So you find a fantastic girl online, fire off an email to her, and sit back and wait… and wait… and wait.  Despite checking your inbox every 15 minutes for 2 days straight, there is no sign of a reply at all.

This is not an uncommon scenario for men, who never stop to think about the woman’s side of the equation… why doesn’t she email back?

The good news is that there are 6 common reasons that she doesn’t reply.  Some are simple fixes, others are a little more difficult to overcome.  Here they are:

Problem 1 – You didn’t get her attention

Good looking women get A LOT of emails every day… super hot women on busy sites can easily get over a hundred a day!  That’s some serious competition!  If you don’t get her attention fast, you’ll be forgotten instantly as she moves on to the next guy without even giving a thought to replying to you.

So how do you get her attention?  That’s a little more complex.  For starters: be interesting, insightful, interested in her, and funny as hell!

This doesn’t apply just to “hot” women… even “average” women require you to get their attention in order to get a reply.  They’ve all been pursued by a lot of “average” guys on the internet, and you need to stand out in order to have a chance.

Problem 2 – She thinks you are shallow

Women get a lot of guys looking for one night stands.  This is pretty common and they put up a lot of defenses to help them automatically disqualify any guy who appears to be interested in them for the wrong reasons.

Very attractive women know that most guys are just contacting them because they are hot.  As much as it’s an ego boost for them, simply knowing you think they are hot doesn’t actually give them any real reason to write you back.

So, in order not to throw up her red flags:

• Don’t ask her for sexy photos.
• Don’t kiss her butt and tell her how hot she is over and over.
• Don’t ask her how much she weighs or what her body type is.
• Don’t immediately ask for full body photos.

Yes, you will want full body photos before you go on a date (and she will expect the same from you), just don’t be over the top about it.

Problem 3 – Your photos suck

It doesn’t matter how great your email is, if your picture makes you look terrible, you aren’t getting a response!  Period!

Before you start worrying about your gut or thinning hair, let me give you some good news… it’s usually not you, it’s your photo.  No matter what you look like, a great photo will attract women to at least take a closer look, and even open your profile.  And no matter how good looking you may be, a bad photo won’t even get her attention.

If you don’t have a photo that makes you look great and stands out from all the poor quality photos out there, it’s time to get one.  Find a friend with a good camera and go snap some headshots outside, in a nice location, with soft natural light.  Or better yet, get an amateur photographer off craigslist.org to do them for free for the practice.  It will make a huge difference!

And of course… if you don’t attach either your photos (or a link to your photos) in your email, it might not even get read.

Problem 4 – You were crass, rude, or sexual

Many guys think they should be forward and sexual with women… like they are some sort of sexual James Bond who can’t lose.  While there is a time and a place for it, many men go too far too quickly.  A lot of things can turn a woman off, but few like being crass, rude, or overly sexual in an opening email.

She’s a woman, not one of your buddies, so don’t try to get her attention through shock value.  Yes, it works from time to time, but for the most part, she’ll just delete you as being a pervert, and move on.

• Don’t use any four letter words… you know the ones I mean.
• Don’t ask her what her favorite sexual position is.
• Don’t ask her about her erotic fantasies.
• Don’t ask if she has any nude photos.

She gets enough of those emails every day from creeps and perverts… don’t be one.

Problem 5 – You tripped her red flags

You can’t always know what is going to trigger a negative reaction in another person, but there are some common things that will turn most people off. Common red flags are baggage, exes, addictions, failures, anger, and obvious insecurities.  These should never even be hinted at in an opening email.

Or any email.

Or your profile.

Ever.

So:

• Don’t email her more than once before she replies.
• Don’t bring up anything in your past (like exes).
• Don’t talk about the bad dates you have had so far.
• Don’t talk about why you think online dating sucks or how hard it is.

Besides, she’ll have lots of time to figure out what she doesn’t like about you on the first date!

Problem 6 – She’s just not that into you

This isn’t so much a problem as a simple fact of life.  No matter what you do, some women just aren’t going to be that into you.

Maybe she only dates short dorky poor guys, maybe you remind her of her brother, maybe she’s allergic to super hot guys with sexy hair… you’ll probably never know.

This is one of those things that you can’t let get into your head.  If you’ve presented yourself in your best light, have a great photo, display your personality and value as a man… and she still doesn’t email you back?  It’s just not meant to be, so don’t over think it, just move on to the next girl.

Happy dating!

Here is a common mistake a lot of people make in their online dating profiles:

They have a photo.  One.  Single.  Photo.

Almost all online dating sites give you space, or a “backstage” photo gallery, where you can usually add at least 6-10 more, above and beyond your main one.

Out of all the online dating profiles out there, less than 10% actually fill up this backstage gallery with photos.

And these people say, “I have a photo. They can see what I look like. That’s good enough.”

If you are happy with being “good enough”, that’s okay.  But if you want to be in the elite 10% of people who get 90% of the attention to themselves, you’ll need to maximize this huge asset.

Here are 3 good reasons why you should fill your backstage photo gallery:

Reason #1

It will get the eyes of people who search for profiles with backstage photos (on websites which have this search function).  A lot of people search this way because they know people with backstage galleries are usually more serious about online dating.

Reason #2

It will keep people looking at your profile longer.  Scanning through a page of photos takes time, and the more exposure someone has to your profile, whether it is photos or text, the more likely they are to commit to emailing you.

Reason #3

It allows you to give your readers a much deeper impression of your life, and creates a much stronger connection with their subconscious.  This gives you that all important lasting impression.  This is the most important reason by far.

You are familiar with the expression “a picture is worth a thousand words”, right?  This is a fantastic opportunity to give your reader a few thousand extra words about you without the effort of writing them!

Here are a few examples of what you can accomplish quickly and effectively by creating an extended photo gallery:

• Display your sense of adventure – post photos of you somewhere exotic or doing something exciting.
• Display your sense of culture – post photos of yourself at a play, art gallery, or museum.
• Display your sense of style – post a few photos wearing your best threads!
• Create comfort – post photos of you with your friends or family (just not ones that make you look like you are with an ex!)
• Display a sense of fun – post photos where you are smiling, laughing, or hamming for the camera.
• Display your sporty side – post photos of you actually doing the sports you enjoy, instead of just listing them in your profile.

Why photos are so important

If you can do all these things with photos instead of having to write about them, do it!  People relate much better to what they see than what they read.  Photos make a sensory connection with the subconscious mind, which is a much deeper and stronger connection than you can make by writing about the same thing.

This will make your readers remember you much more vividly, which in the competitive world of online dating, is a very good thing.

Here are a few other tips to consider when adding backstage photos:

• Try to be smiling in all your photos.  It conveys much more personality than photos where you aren’t.
• Photos where you are making eye contact with the camera are always stronger than photos where you aren’t.
• Never post photos where you look like a dork.  Yes, it is important to convey a sense of fun, but not at the expense of displaying a sense of class.
• Don’t use cropped photos where people can see your ex’s severed arm around your shoulders.  If it is a clean crop, it’s fair use.  A good photo is a good photo.
• If you have the space, try to post a photo for every trait that you talk about in your profile.  Backing up your words with pictures is always good.
• Fill up your backstage gallery with as many photos as you can.  Ask your friends to take photos of you for your profile (you don’t have to tell them what it is for) while you are out having fun.  Bring your own digital camera with you if possible.  A full backstage gallery will help your online dating immensely.

One last thing. The photos should all be different.  10 nearly identical takes of the same scene really does nothing for your profile.  Don’t fill it for the sake of filling it, fill it with quality photos.  The people coming to your profile will love it.

Happy dating!

Wouldn’t it be great if people read your entire profile simply out of respect for the effort you put into it?

The sad truth about profiles

Sadly, this is the opposite of reality.  The truth is, people rarely read all the way through your profile before deciding to move on.  The second they get bored, they close it and skip to the next person… usually before the end of the first paragraph!

So, is not reading the whole profile the fault of the reader for not having a great attention span?  No.  It is the fault of the writer for not hooking them in the first paragraph!

The opening hook

Most online daters fail to appreciate the importance of the “opening paragraph hook.”  This is a critical tool in any writing, but especially in online dating profiles, where you must get your reader, man or woman, to become involved in your profile enough to want to see it all the way through.

Your first paragraph is absolutely the most critical in your profile. It sets the tone for your entire piece. It hooks the reader.  It gets them curious, and makes them want to read more.

Consider this… when you pick up a magazine or newspaper and start reading an article, if you get bored during the first paragraph, how much more do you usually read?  NONE OF IT.  And that’s exactly what’s happening with the people reading your profile, they aren’t getting hooked and are wandering off.

How to lose their attention

Want to know one of the best things you can write to lose their attention immediately?

Try this:

“I hate writing these. It’s so hard to describe everything about yourself in words. Each time I do I feel I never come close enough to who I really am. Oh well, I guess I have to put something, so here it goes.”

In this common and pessimistic paragraph, you are telling the reader that you are uncreative, lacking personal insight, and just as average as every other online dater out there who starts their profile the same way.  This is a bad way to kick off your profile!

How about this one…

“I’m smart, funny, confident and outgoing.  I’m looking for someone who likes to have a good time, laugh, hang out, and travel.  Most of the sports I enjoy are outdoors.  I like to hike, ski, go camping and rollerblade in the park.”

Why is this bad?  Because there are at least 100,000 profiles on every dating site that start almost exactly the same way.  They all turn into a blur and vanish from the reader’s memory as soon as they move on.  Besides being a list of adjectives and hobbies (which is boring) there is no spark, no connection, no uniqueness to this paragraph at all.

What makes a good opener?

So, what makes a good opening paragraph?  Here’s one of my favorites.

Headline:

“I used to play guitar for KISS”

Profile:

“Yes, I used to play guitar for KISS… Sure, it was in my parent’s back yard, my guitar was a broom and my best friend played some upturned trash cans for a drum set… but man did we rock the neighborhood. I never did make it into KISS or any other band, but I’m still in love with the guitar… and my best friend became a garbage man!
Now a little more about me…”

This WILL get someone to keep reading your profile!  It’s unique, funny, filled with images, and is something a lot of people can relate to from their childhood.  Unfortunately, you can’t just copy this one, as you have to create something congruent with who you are, in order to portray an accurate version of yourself.

While it is important to open your paragraph with something that is absolutely unique to you, but displays strong value to the reader, the real key is to make a CONNECTION.  Combine both uniqueness of your topic and a healthy dose of your personality, and make the reader feel like they aren’t just skimming a profile, but having a face to face conversation about your life!

The profile itself

Now go look at your online dating profile.  Ask yourself… is there anything really exciting and unusual about my opening paragraph?  Is this something someone would get really excited about reading?  If in doubt, ask some friends of the opposite sex.  If the answer isn’t an enthusiastic 100% two thumbs up… it’s time to hit the keyboard for a rewrite.

Happy dating!

Don’t underestimate the power of your headline.  Next to your photo, it is one of the most powerful marketing tools of your online dating profile.

A good headline can draw crowds of people, even if you don’t have a photo.  A bad headline however… can make you all but invisible.

In no particular order, here are the 10 worst headlines out there… so common and boring that people don’t even see them as they skim through ads.  Use these and fail.

Number 10

HEADLINE: “Insert funny headline here.”
WE THINK: “Wow, people are still using this tired old line?”
This wasn’t funny years ago, and everyone has seen it dozens of times since.  Be creative. If you’ve seen it somewhere before, it’s old news.

Number 9

HEADLINE: “Clever headline #28492”
WE THINK: “Ugh, at least it isn’t ‘Insert funny headline here!’”
This lame old headline just won’t die.  Do you really want something this boring and unoriginal to be the first thing people read about you?

Number 8

HEADLINE: “how abot diner and drniks”
WE THINK: “You can’t even spell properly in your headline? Is our first date going to be at Chuck E Cheese?”
There is NO excuse for spelling errors in your headline, and yet it is so common.  First impressions are everything, and your headline counts.  The “dinner and drinks” headline itself is also overused.

Number 7

HEADLINE: “Love to laugh.“
WE THINK: “So? Who doesn’t?”
People write this as if it makes them unique… but have you ever known anyone who didn’t enjoy laughing?  Although this headline intends to display value by making you look special, it actually reduces your value by showing that you are average.

Number 6

HEADLINE: “I’m looking for someone special.”
WE THINK: “Wow, I’ve just been hanging out here waiting to show myself to someone who was LOOKING for someone special! Now that you’re here, I’m saved!”
Because you are looking for someone special, does it mean that the truly special people should come check you out?  Nope.  No one cares what you are looking for, they only care what they are looking for.  Use your headline to build your own value.

Number 5

HEADLINE: “Hmm, I don’t know what to write here.”
WE THINK: “Stumped already? Our first date is going to suck.”
If you can’t think of your own headline, you’re either heavily medicated and should not be out dating or you lack any thought processes at all.  There is no excuse.  None.  Steal something off the front page of Yahoo if you have to.

Number 4

HEADLINE: “I’ll fill this in later.”
WE THINK: “Too lazy to even write a headline? I can’t imagine how much fun our relationship will be…”
If you can’t be bothered, why should anyone else bother with you?  Seriously, laziness is one of the biggest turn offs there is.

Number 3

HEADLINE: “One last try…”
WE THINK: “One last try… because you’ve struck out so many times already?”
Showing weakness or failures is never a great way to get anyone attracted to you.

Number 2

HEADLINE: “Single and looking.”
WE THINK: “Really?  On an online dating site? Shocking.”
This redefines redundant, and tells the reader nothing more than that you are exactly the same as the other 50,000 people reading the site that day.

Number 1

HEADLINE: “Hello,” or “Hi.”
WE THINK: “Nice to meet you, I’ll be going to read some INTERESTING headlines now.  Bye!”
This is definitely one of the most common and boring headlines out there. It is completely uncreative and lacking any effort. People won’t even see it listed amongst the other interesting and funny headlines out there.

And there you have the top 10 most useless online dating headlines.  These also fail as subject lines for first emails.  The rule is, always be interesting, exciting, funny, or fascinating.  Never, ever be average.

Happy dating!