elainewilliams

Dating After 50 – Welcome to the 21st Century!

Following the death of my husband, there came a point in time where I decided to enter the dating world. My social life had been reduced to people I saw at work and my kids’ friends. Living in a small community combined with being self employed, I realized I was becoming a bit of a recluse.

I knew I had to make some changes in my life in an attempt to move forward and not remain stagnant. It was a bit daunting, being single and dating after having been married for twenty years.

Whoa! This is Dating Now!

The first thing I discovered was that dating had changed drastically from what I remembered. Everything associated with online dating, dating services and matchmaking services felt foreign.’ It left me feeling oddly out of place for a woman who had not participated in any type of dating for twenty-five years or more.

My initial thoughts were that it would be a relatively uncomplicated means to boost a sagging social life. Yes, I admit to being naïve.

The Online Dating Experience

I soon discovered that with online dating, “normal” took on a new definition. I was blithely unaware that some would view my boys, ages 12 to 21, as liabilities, even though I had no intention of searching for a new “father” for them.

In filling out dating profiles, I was scrupulously honest, however, I learned not everyone followed this rule. By now, I suspect you the reader may be wondering in what sandbox my head was buried all these years.

For some reason I attracted men who didn’t know or care anything about commitment, caring or long term relationships. The more I talked to other daters of various ages and sexual orientation, I was surprised to discover similar experiences across the board.

The New Dating Dilemma

I had to wonder how had dating become such a dilemma? Dating in the 21^st century seemed rather hit and miss. Many times it’s an opportunity to get what you can and move on. I hated feeling like I was at a smorgasbord and in danger of being passed over for a newer, tastier dish.

By the time most of us have reached fifty years of age, life’s experiences have wounded us in some way or another, which of course colors our thoughts, feelings and relationships. However, I was still a bit taken back to discover some “fifty-somethings” have let basic courtesy, caring and honesty skills fall by the wayside.

What I Know Now

I learned to steer clear of emotionally unavailable partners; men still “attached” to other women and men who dated but obviously preferred to remain loners. Many men were good men in their own right, but not right for me.

I began to ask myself, why be with someone who contributes nothing to my life? I deserved better.

My early dating experiences reinforced the notion that a relationship should begin as friends, letting a partner show true interest and caring before jumping into any intimacy.

It took several unhappy experiences before I realized being true to myself is my real power. After dating for two years, I made the decision not to date superficially, but find instead a man who will enhance my life as I will enhance his. Why should anyone settle for less?

Coping With Life After the Death of a Spouse

By elainewilliams

A life change from married to widow is not an easy transition. Whether you’re ready or not, a new life takes shape and somehow we must learn to adapt. Some days even the smallest change in our life can sometimes seem like too much to handle.

Once a widow or widower, your life has turned around drastically. Some of the obvious changes:

1.Size of Income

Income is sometimes halved or can even become nonexistent with the death of a spouse.

2. Tax filing status, and the tax implications

It may be appropriate to use an accountant for income tax preparation, especially in the first two years of loss.

3. Socially

When you are no longer part of a couple, friends and acquaintances may not be sure where you fit into the social circle. At times, you’re not sure where you fit in anymore. Don’t be surprised by adjustments, which may mean letting go of old friends. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet new people, when you are ready.

4. Economically

Bills don’t wait for recovery from the death of a loved one. Your children may need daycare and college age children still need books and tuition. There remains the immediate need to buy food, clothing, and everyday essentials.

Children up to eighteen years of age are eligible for social security benefits. As a surviving spouse you may also receive benefits until the youngest child reaches the age of sixteen.

Getting help from a financial planner can be of great benefit in the financial aspects of becoming a widow or widower. Debt can quickly become overwhelming.

5. Family

As the surviving spouse, we do the best in the solo role of mother and father. It helps, especially for young children, to keep life as normal as possible. You’ll find some days are easier than others.

6. Physically

Economic and lifestyle changes can be the most taxing challenges. Stress will rear its head in the oddest of places and circumstances. Take care of yourself in the kindest way possible or you may find it difficult taking care of anything else. Don’t berate yourself for the dirty laundry or the unmowed lawn.

7. Emotionally

The death of a spouse can throw you into an emotional tailspin. Processing grief is individual and it takes time. There is no right or wrong way to approach it. Don’t rush into any major decisions, especially in the first 12 months of loss.

8. Support

It can be helpful to accept help from outside sources; family, friends, grief support groups, therapists. Keeping fears and emotions suppressed can serve to make you ill and perhaps delay the entire grief process. And it is a process.

Try to move slowly through each day, each week. Don’t rush through the terrible feelings, but try to face them head-on, when you can, and release the tears. Yes, some days will be excruciating, but you’ll discover there is still joy to be found.

One day you may awake to find you’re feeling a little better, and perhaps you’ve evolved into a new person; one who is no longer afraid of new challenges as they arise. You may be surprised to discover that remaining open to life gives each of us the opportunity to reach a new normal.

How Dating Is Different After Divorce Or The Death Of A Spouse…

By elainewilliams

Is there a difference in dating after loss of a spouse or following a divorce? Each occurrence is a major life change, subject to emotions of loss and anger or perhaps betrayal and abandonment.

Some who have lost a spouse may argue that death is worse, being final and out of your control, while divorce is a choice. I disagree.

How Death & Divorce Are Similar

If the spouse you love has divorced you, the choice has been taken away from you, similar to losing someone to death. You also have the added complication of perhaps feeling as if you’ve been thrown away, an understandably devastating experience.

I have experienced both divorce and death, and the aftermath in each instance is neither pretty nor painless. Aftershocks in each case can be experienced years later.

Both situations involve pain. Does death hurt more than divorce? When you lose the person you love, however that occurs, it is a permanent wound on the heart. Loss of any kind is never easy.

Dating After Death or Divorce

Dating after major life changes such as divorce or death, many times holds the same difficulties and rewards. One thing remains the same irrespective of your previous relationship status; dating again after being in a long term relationship means taking your time and re-entering the dating world with the mindset of proceeding slowly.

Start a relationship with no expectations other than starting as friends and see what may develop. If the relationship doesn’t enhance your life, be prepared to move on.

If you’ve lost your spouse and are considering dating, you have to be mindful of not falling into a trap where you’re looking for an exact replica of your previous partner. Your loss has changed you, so you’re no longer the same person with the same needs.

Divorce can carry its own burden of loss and changes. In the aftermath of divorce or death, neither life experience should be rushed through or downplayed. Both take time and energy in which to heal.

After the death of a spouse, there’s a period of time where you may be unwilling to allow another person into your life. Emotionally, you’re on an up-and-down swing with the grief process, and adding another facet to your life such as a new partner is sometimes untenable. If you’ve been out of dating for many years, expect dating to have changed.

Be Sure You’re Ready to Date

If you’re not sure you’re ready to date, you may be open to making poor choices in a new relationship. Whether divorced or widowed, sometimes we think we’re healed but in reality we’re just lonely and want to fill the empty void. In either situation, give yourself time before making any big lifestyle changes.

A divorced person getting back into dating could also be emotionally grieving the loss or abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you’re ready to pursue a new love interest or do you really need some time to remain single.

One of the most important things in resuming dating, no matter what the past scenario may be, is to allow someone into your life who shares the same values emotionally and psychologically as yourself. Don’t settle into a relationship just to have someone in your life.

Being single doesn’t mean you have to be lonely, not if you enrich your life with people and activities you enjoy. Don’t depend on another partner to make or keep you happy, because you’ll be doomed to disappointment. Ultimately, what’s inside fulfills us and adds to who we are; no matter if you are divorced or widowed.