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Can You Win the Approval of the ‘Dating Board’?

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Dating, divorced or not, can be as nerve wracking as a tough job interview.  You never know the questions but at least you know what you should get quizzed on.  You’ve fielded all of the queries from your new interest but it’s time to move on to what I like to call “The Board Room.”

What Is The Dating Board Room?

The Board Room isn’t a physical place.  It’s the culmination of several different people who are going to interview you and present their findings to your lady.  This interview process can take days, weeks or even months, depending on who is part of the board room.  It always occurs, even if you don’t know it.  This is where you may here “You’re fired!”

Who Is On The Board?

The board can consist of several different men and women who have the interests of your lady in mind.  Most women have at least two confidantes; a “best” girlfriend and a close male “GuyFriend.”  Other members of the board normally will include at least one or two other friends of either gender and close family, like her mother and dad.

The Girlfriend

You have to sell yourself to this woman.  Not only is she the closest person to your lady, your lady is probably her best friend.  Early in the relationship The Girlfriend is probably the most important person to not insult, cajole or arouse suspicion in.  Her word will be what seals the deal.  If she doesn’t like you there’s not much hope for your new relationship.

The “GuyFriend”

The GuyFriend can be a tough sell.  Put yourself in his shoes.  Here’s a close female friend of his who is dating this new guy (you).  You’re competing for part of his turf and she will listen to the GuyFriend to determine if you’re a huge creep.  Guys tend to read guys rather well.  If you’re obviously a fraud, the GuyFriend will spot you easily.

Mom and Dad

Depending on how close she is to her family, mom and dad’s opinion of you may be what truly closes this deal.  They raised her, have her interests in mind, and know now to handle your lady when they want her to listen.  Parents also have the job of ALWAYS being the parent and have met her other men.  Mom and dad have the experience of dealing with the good and the bad and will understand your situation.

The Posse

The Posse is her other friends.  The ones she hangs out with now and then but doesn’t share all of her secrets.  One or two may have misgivings about you, it’s bound to happen.  You’re in serious trouble if ALL of them do.

How To Get The Job

There’s only one safe bet to get the job.  Be real.  Be yourself.  Unless you’re a Hollywood actor who never steps out of character and comes back to the real world, people can and will see you for who you really are.  You can only keep up the act for so long.  It’s only a matter of time before your truly colors show.  Remember that a tiger can’t change it’s stripes.  Maybe it can roll in the mud and cover them, but before long someone will see it for what it truly is.

Does Being Divorced Help?

Divorce, hard as it is, can complicate matters even further, particularly if you have children.  Children change the dating landscape and your new lady knows that.  Her parents will be more than willing to impart their wisdom about your situation which has the tendency to be more negative if their daughter doesn’t already have children.

As difficult as things may be, divorce can also be a strength.  You’ve been through something physically and emotionally difficult and come out with a stronger emotional fortitude..  Use that strength in the board room.  Be open about yourself but be true to who you are.  Your lady, her friends and her family will appreciate you more for it.  Before you know it, you’ve got the job.

5 Dating Don’ts for Divorced Dads

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Dating as a divorced dad has the potential to feel like writing with the opposite hand; it’s the same dating you’re used to doing, but you’re going to be doing it differently.

As a married man you’re used to going out on dates with your spouse.  Dates could be simple things like a trip to a local outdoor market, maybe dinner, and then home.

Perhaps they were a quiet dinner and then a movie before bed.  They had the potential to be quality time spent with your spouse doing things you both enjoyed together.

Now that you’re back “in the wild” dating could be a huge eye-opener for you.  The things that worked while you were married may not work now that you’re single and looking.

1.  Don’t Talk About Your Past Marriage

This is the cardinal rule for dating after divorce.  Don’t talk about your marriage unless specifically asked and keep it to a minimum.  Use your best judgment about what you can share but any discussion of your ex can lead to more questions that you may not want to answer.  Early in the relationship anything you say can, and will, be held against you for future reference.

2.  Don’t Get Into a Rut

It’s easy to get comfortable doing the same thing over and over again like going to the same places for dinner over and over again.  Don’t bring your date to the same place for dinner often; it’s monotonous and has the potential to tell your date that you aren’t original.  Not only that you’re telling her that you’re possibly mundane and boring.

This leads me to the next point.

3.  Don’t Skip The Romance

Women love romance.  They thrive on it in many shapes and fashions.  Remember to keep this in mind when planning a date.  Do something romantic like taking her to a romantic show or a fancier restaurant.  If you are going to cook her a meal, decorate your place with roses, a nice wine, relaxing and romantic music she enjoys and make her feel special.

Romance is about showing your lady how much you enjoy making her happy and showing her how you feel.  Many guys that I know are romantic with their ladies even if they aren’t good at telling them how they feel.

4.  Don’t Expect Magic… At First

Culture through television, books, magazines and advertisements have slowly driven us to the point that we expect “magic” to happen in our relationships from the start.  Movies and television shows continually drive into us a concept of love at first sight.  These things are definitely possible but tend to be extremely rare.

Dating is about getting to know the other person, learning about who they are and what they are about.  It is your opportunity to present yourself as a possible mate and companion who can compliment their personality, and they yours.  If you are serious about a person you should try to put forth the effort to know that person as well.

The goal of a first date, if you’re interested in the other, is to make it to a second date.  The goal of a second date is to make it a third date, etc.

5.  Don’t Force It

If you aren’t into her, then be upfront and tell her that you enjoyed your time together but you don’t feel you’re compatible.  Maybe there’s not much of a connection there and you aren’t really that attracted.  It’s important to make sure she understands this even if she’s more into you then you are into her.

This goes both ways.  She may not be that into you.  It isn’t the end of the world.  The ocean is large and there are many, many fish.  She may be honest and tell you that she isn’t or she may make it apparent by not wanting to go out again or continually brushing you off.

Don’t take it personally, most people hate confrontation and they don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings.  Go into a date with an open mind and remember that you’re both here to get to know one another, not to meet before running to the courthouse to get married.

Dating is about fun and enjoyment.  Meeting people new is exciting and fun and just because you don’t make good “mates” doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.  Just keep in mind that dating, like most other things, requires work and what you put into it you will get out of it.

How Sex Is Different After Divorce

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Just kidding! It’s not…

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married. 

3 Tips to Help You Get Over a Break Up – Quickly!

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Love is a complex concept that philosophers, scientists and romance novelists have struggled with for centuries, if not a millennia.

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala “soul-mates”), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically “take” – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

Prolonged grief can turn into depression so think about how long you have been grieving and if it affects other aspects of your life.

Focus On “What” and Not On “Why”

The devil is in the details. Focusing on the “why” will happen.

Why did I not do this, or why did she not do that?

Trying to understand the why of breakups and why feelings change is like expecting yourself to understand what love is.

If you don’t know “why” you will focus on yourself.

What did I do? What COULD I have done? These aren’t the “whats” we are looking for. We are looking for “What can I do to move forward?”

Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind to help get passed a break up.

3 Tips to Help You Get Passed a Break Up

1. Remember Grief is Natural.

You’re not less of a man (or woman) if you feel pain. We’re human, we have emotions and feelings. Welcome to the top of the food pyramid.

2. Get the Support You Need

Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel supported?”

Contact your friends and family and let them in. Nothing shows love like opening up to your loved ones and letting them help you. At our weakest we can be at our strongest.

3. Stay Busy and Productive

Ask yourself, “What can I do to stay busy?

Sitting around and moping can be tedious and affect your health.

Get out and exercise, take yourself out to a movie, go see a friend. Don’t sit and feel sorry for yourself, stay active. Exercise will increase your health and will make you feel better.

Love can make you feel immortal. It can also hurt. That is the other side of the coin.

Think about “what” you can do with yourself after a breakup instead of “why” the break up happened.

Look at how you can love yourself and rely on yourself and not the love of another person. In the long run, you are all you really have control over.

Dating Tips for a Single Father

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Dating as a single father is probably one of the most frustrating experiences that a man can go through.

No matter how hard you try to pretend you’re not, at the end of the day you’re still a man with potential lady-repellent.  Overall, most women love children and love to play with them.  The difference between your child and the “other” children is that your child is YOURS and shares genetic code with a another  woman.

A single woman who doesn’t have children of her own is going to look at your child differently – because if she’s dating you, she’s dating your child.

Subconsciously the female mind is keyed into things that as a man, we’re just not aware of.  Our minds are wired differently, and women view children in more granular and deep ways than most men can dream of. We may see our child as a bundle of joy, but the non-parental partner sees a beautiful child AND a living, breathing, relationship technical difficulty.

Biggest Concerns Women Have When Dating a Single Father

Am I Becoming a Mom?

This is probably the biggest fear that I’ve heard.  Children are a huge responsibility, and someone who hasn’t experienced it may see raising children as a crushing weight that can be overwhelming.  Am I becoming a mom?  Does he expect me to help raise his child?  What will happen to our relationship?

Do I Have to Know His Ex-Wife?

Let’s face it; women love attention and affection.  A woman loves to know she’s the only woman in your life and she puts value in that.  No woman wants to feel like she’s in second place, and an ex-wife can be a constant reminder that your current lady isn’t Number One.  This can drastically affect her faith in your affections towards her, and really varies based on your relationship with your Ex.

In the long run, your girlfriend is dating your ex-wife, in a twisted sort of way.

Secondly, meeting the ex-wife (or ex-husband if roles were reversed) forces a woman to compare herself to your Ex.  No one wants to feel judged, and we are all our own worst critic.  How do you feel when you look at your ex-wife’s new man?  Take that and multiply it by twenty.

But He Has a Child…

You can’t change your past just like you can’t predict the future.

The fact that you have a child with another woman is something she’ll have to deal with.  There’s a profound emotional intimacy that people share when they have children, and women tend to be hyper aware of this.  The fact that you found this intimacy with another woman and created a child can leave a the woman you are dating gasping for breath because of how she sees this bond and connection.  That doesn’t mean that you can’t share that intimacy with another woman.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the issue that makes most women see divorced fathers as “tarnished” or “damaged goods.”

What’s a Guy to Do?

What I have found through personal experience, research, and discussions with other men, is that communication and patience are the keys for almost all of these concerns.

Be upfront about your situation and don’t hide that you have a child.

If you really are “shopping” for a mom, you need to be extremely honest about this.  If you are not, do your best to clearly articulate what you are looking for with your girlfriend.  Ask her to share what her concerns are and address them with her.

Be clear on your expectations.

Your Child Is Your Responsibility

On that note, raising and disciplining your child are your responsibilities.

You can’t pass the buck to do this.  You are the parent and the authority figure.  It’s your job to teach your child to respect the relationship you have with your lady, not hers.  If you don’t step up to this and nip it in the bud early, then expect lots of problems later on, especially with teenagers.  If you let your child step on your partner, you’re probably going to find yourself single again.

Being a single father is a big deal.

It’s tough and comes with a lot of difficult choices and discussions.  Be honest and communicate with your partner.  Be patient and help her when she has a tough time with the situation.  Communication is the key to unlocking the potential of a worthwhile relationship that you, your partner, and your child can enjoy together.