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Are You Setting Yourself Up For Heartache With Unrealistic Dating Expectations?

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The thing about dating expectations is that sometimes, even when you don’t really have any, they can reach right around and bite you right in the butt.

It can be hard to keep expectations at a realistic level and that’s not even the half of it.

Why? Because there’s another person involved with expectations all their own.
Even at its simplest level, dating is full of expectations. From expecting the phone to ring to expecting an email to having high (or low) expectations for a date, they seem to invade our thoughts at every turn.
Even when we try to keep them at a realistic level, we have no control over the other party’s expectations. And that can be difficult especially if you don’t know what those expectations are.

Motives for dating

People date for all kinds of reasons. Some date to find a lifetime partner; others because they’re bored. Some people see it as a sort of social skills practice; others figure that by dating so many people they’ll eventually find the one they’re looking for. Some are dating to get laid. Still others are too polite to say NO even if they really aren’t feeling it.

Setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations

This can easily set us up to have unrealistic expectations in dating. For example, if you are dating to find a lifetime partner and the great guy you’ve gone out with 3 or 4 times is into dating as a numbers game, you may very well have your expectations of the relationship set way too high.

Or what about the girl who keeps accepting a date with a guy she really has no interest in because she doesn’t know how to tell him NO? Is he in for a surprise or what? Sure, he is. He thinks she likes him when the reality is she’s probably only interested in him as a friend. His expectations are sure to be shattered.

How to avoid unrealistic expectations

There are a couple of ways to keep your dating expectations realistic and keep yourself grounded in reality.

Know what you want

The first thing you have to do is know what you want. Why are you dating? You have to know what you’re looking for.

If you are dating to find a lifetime partner, you’re going to want to date people who are looking for the same thing. If you’re dating several people hoping to find the right one, you darn sure don’t want to keep going out with someone looking for a lifetime partner. That’s how things get awkward and people get hurt.

Communication is the key

Never assume anything! If you think that great guy is dating several women and doesn’t think you have forever potential, you need to know that. And there’s no better way than to ask. Unless you have that dreaded exclusivity talk, all bets are off as far as he’s concerned.

Think he’s sleeping with just you? If he’s into dating casually, he may very well being sleeping with other women as well. You’d better talk to him and make sure if that’s not okay with you.

Like attracts like

Here’s the thing. It will be much easier to keep your dating expectations in line if you are dating people who are dating for the same reason you are. It’s that simple. If you’re both dating casually, there’s little room for error. Likewise, if you are both dating to find a lifetime partner.
That doesn’t mean it’s all gravy though. You still have to communicate your expectations and encourage the people you are dating to do the same. It’s much easier for everyone if you’re both on the same page.

Online Dating? 5 Signs You Should Run Like Hell!

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Sometimes the big bad world of online dating can be very confusing.  It seems it gets harder and harder to know when to trust a potential date.  Use these 5 tips to know when you should pursue a connection or run like hell.

1. He takes no time to get to know you

So you get an email from someone telling you they’re interested in getting to know you. You check out the profile and see potential. Then you reply saying you are interested as well. The next email says, “Great! Let’s meet!”

Whoa Nelly! Slow down there just a bit. Two emails, especially short one or two liner emails, are not enough here. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not telling you to drag it out for months or even weeks, but do give it a few days at least.

But maybe more importantly, make sure you are having conversations with substance. You should be talking, asking questions, and really getting to know each other before a rushed meet. Otherwise, how do you even know he’s someone you want to know. And vice versa.

I learned this lesson the hard way recently with a date. He had emailed saying hello. I emailed back asking how he was. The very next email asked if I wanted to meet.

I agreed and was in for not only horrible date, but one that ended in text message harassment and physical threats.

Was that a bad call or what? I had no idea what I was getting into and, obviously, I made a bad judgment call. Don’t make the same mistake.

2. He makes you a goddess in 2.5 emails

This guy will woo you with romantic notions and flowery words.  He will become “hooked” in record time and will proceed to fill your head with more cornball notions than you’ve ever seen or heard before.

One of the problems here is that, at first blush, it’s easy to get caught up in it all. That part of you that has been single and feeling less than desirable is thinking, “Well, it’s about time!”  Back away for awhile and try to look at the conversation objectively.

If he immediately started in with nothing but excessive compliments and talk of finally finding the “one,” you have a problem.  Not only that but if, in those first few emails, you suddenly have much more in common than it seemed from his profile, he may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

One guy I was chatting with didn’t have an occupation listed on his profile. When I suggested we perhaps after getting to know each awhile we might want to exchange phone numbers to continue the conversation, he responded that he didn’t have a phone.  After all, he is a teacher too and being one myself, I could empathize with the amount of money teachers don’t make.

Really? Kind of a coincidence isn’t it? And, if we were really both in the same profession, I would have thought he would have mentioned it sooner.

3. He doesn’t respond to what you say

He emails. You respond by commenting on what he said. You throw in some observations and ask some questions. He replies completing ignoring the questions and responding only to a few ideas–ideas that he introduced into the conversation to begin with.

Maybe he’s flattered you by asking for more pictures which you obligingly send. Tit for tat right? But when you ask for more pictures of him, he completes ignores the request. The same applies if you ask questions regarding his profession or occupation, his kids, or previous relationships.

4. He’s so hot, but…

You get an email, open the profile, and then start drooling all over your keyboard. Wow! Could someone that hot really be interested in me?

Stop. Reign in your hormones and check out the rest of the profile. Is that one unbelievable photo the only one? Does it look like it came with the $7.95 picture frame he just bought?

If so, this dude very well not be who he claims to be. Can you say 350 pounds in a wife beater? Not only that but, if he’s posting a fake picture, it’s a relatively safe bet that the rest of the profile is fiction as well.

5.  He just seems fishy

If things just don’t add up, he is probably not who he says he is. If he changes what he says or things he says don’t match what his profile says, these are first signs he may be lying. Other signs would be if after chatting for awhile, he won’t exchange contact information or shows no signs of meeting.

I met a guy a few years ago who completely fit this bill.  He purportedly had a civil government job which required he split his time between two states. After exchanging phone numbers and missing his call any number of times, I realized that he was only calling during the day.  Voicemails always said he would try me again and never suggested I call him, and there was always excuse as to why he couldn’t call in the evening.

Also, I never heard from him on the weekends.  He only emailed and called Monday through Friday.  Pretty good sign he was either married or had a girlfriend at the least.

Stay safe and trust your gut

The biggest thing is to trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then something is probably wrong. If you find yourself going against your instincts, it just means that he’s very good at making women trust him.  He’s got the whole game down to a science. Walk away.

It really almost goes without saying that you should never provide personal information too quickly, and yet many women make this mistake.  While I am usually very guarded about such things, I have found myself lately revealing too much, too soon in some cases.

When the guy in #1 started harassing me with texts and I talked to my boss about it, his first question was “Does he know where you work?” Thank goodness I could honestly answer “No.”  And yet there have been many cases when I have given that information out without a second thought.  It becomes easy to become complacent, so until you are really sure you know someone, caution should be the rule rather than the exception.

Would You Date Someone Who’s Been Married Multiple Times? Here’s Why You Should…

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It finally happened. You met someone you really like. There seems to be a connection, you have a great timetogether, and you think that maybe it’s time to take the relationship to the next level.

And then it happens. She tells you she’s been married four times. Yes, four.

So, what do you do?

Run for hills? Head to the little boy’s room never to return? Make your excuses and then “lose” her phone number?

Or do you grow up and little bit and give her the benefit of the doubt?

The cold, hard truth

The truth is she’s not a serial rapist or a serial killer or even necessarily a serial bride. She’s a woman who made some choices that didn’t quite pan out. Granted they may have been bad ones. I’ll give you that and thenask you this. So what?

There are actually a couple of things to think about here. First of all, haven’t you been in relationships that didn’t work out? How many? Uh huh, that’s what I thought. The only difference is she married them; you didn’t. Maybe she’ll judge you and consider you someone who has commitment issues based on that. Hmmm.

Relationships, and marriages, fail for many reasons. There may have been an abuse issue, an alcohol or drug issue, a control issue, or maybe even a death. Sadly, in today’s world these things happen way too often.

And remember, it takes more courage and heart to leave an abusive or alcoholic relationship than to stay in one.

Secondly, are you the same person you were 20 years ago? 10? Even 5? Do you make decisions the same way now as you did in the past? Have your values and maturity levels changed?

As we grow and mature, we gain experiences, both good and bad, that shape us into the people we are today. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and we move on tomake more decisions.

Think of it this way. When you’re dating in your 30s and 40s, you’ve been through some crap. Unless you’ve been locked in a closet for 30 or 40 years, you’ve done some things and made some choices that were less than stellar.

Do you want to be judged on the basis of just those choices?…

Slow learners

The thing is that some of us are just slow learners. It sometimes takes more than one bad decision for us to learn the lesson.

Life, however, making sure we eventually get it, has a way of giving us the same ones over and over until we finally do learn it.

And so we fall for the same wrong kind of guy again and again. At some point though that proverbial light bulb comes on and we finally get it. It’s at that point that growth occurs. Thatwe figure out not only where we’ve been going wrong, but why.

Very probably we begin to look back over our lives and make some realizations.Maybe growing up we didn’t feel loved and valued by our parents. Maybe we made one huge whopper of a mistake that made us come to the conclusion that we weren’t deserving or worthy of love.

Now, all those failed marriages begin to make sense. We figure out what it was we were looking for in those bad relationships and we realize that we have to find that within ourselves.

Why she’s not a bad risk

Guys, this makes someone a good risk, not a bad one. What you have stumbled onto here is a woman who knows herself inside and out. She knows what she wants in a relationship and, more importantly, what she doesn’t. She is now capable of creating a loving, nurturing, caring relationship.

She comes from a place other women have never been and she has learned things other women never will.

The thing is this. Those things, those decisions made her the person she is today. I know that the person I am would not exist otherwise.

And the person I am today is one helluva catch. The lucky man who discovers and accepts who I am on every level, is in for a lifetime of love like he never imagined.

Chances are she’s one helluva catch too. Are you willing to let her get awaybecause of your preconceived notions of who she ought to be?

Are You Undateable?

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Recently I met a man online.  We exchanged a few emails and I began to think that maybe, just maybe, he had dating potential.

A few emails later, he disclosed that he is currently living with his ex. Not because they are involved, but because he can’t afford to live on his own.

And besides, this way he gets to be with his son, but it does make it hard to date.

Trying hard not to judge, I agreed to a meeting which he canceled due to a work obligation. Okay, no problem.  We’ll just do it another time.

Then he invited me to a movie matinee.  Hmm….could be fun. The next email said he’d have to let me know.  He needed to check his finances.  And, big surprise, he canceled.

The next thing he suggested was that I come to meet him. At his home. With his 2-year-old son present. His ex wouldn’t be there, but he was really unable to afford the gas to come to me.

Really? By this time, I was completely turned off.

So, step by step what’s the problem here?

It’s not about money

Before you call me shallow, let me just say this is not at all about how much money the man makes or what kind of car he drives.  I’m not a gold digger and I’m not looking for someone to support me. I can do that all by myself thank you very much.

But really if he can’t even afford the gas to drive 30 miles to meet me, there’s more wrong here than just his income.

In one email conversation he went on and on about how he needed to go back to college to finish his education and make some money.  Yet, he still hasn’t done so and seems to only want to give the idea lip service.

Can you say lack of motivation? Lack of goals? How is that attractive?

Ummm…he lives with the ex?

How in the world is a man who lives with his ex in a position to become involved with someone else? She gave him a place to stay when he needed one and he gets to be with his son.  Well, isn’t that just fabulous?  I’d say girlfriend isn’t stupid.

She gets someone to help with the bills and a built in babysitter. She did him a favor? I think not.

I get that it’s important for him to be with his son. In fact, he gets points for that. However, this is really not the place for a man who professes to want to find a long term partner to be in. I mean seriously, what woman wants to date a man who can’t even take her back to his place for a romantic evening? Not this one.

And then there are the children

I don’t know about you but a man who suggests a first meet with his 2-year-old son present, worries me just a bit.  Oh and did I mention that he planned to bring his 8-year-old daughter to the matinee date?

Most single parents understand that introducing the children right away is not a good plan. Children of single and divorced parents are often vulnerable. Introducing them to someone you don’t know or who may or may not become a part of their lives is just irresponsible. Not to mention, it’s just bad parenting.

Bottom line

Be in a position to date. Period. The dating pool is full of deadbeats and losers. If you’re going to get the girl, you need to be attractive to the girl.

Have something to offer. Be the guy that every girl wants to be with. Get your priorities in line and learn what attracts women. Then be that!

How to get there from here

Go to school. Yes, college is expensive. Motivation and drive, on the other hand, are girl magnets. I want a guy who knows what he wants in life and knows how to get it. Get a student loan, get a grant, get a move on dude!

Ditch the ex. So you’re working your butt off and now you’re back in college, good for you. Money is tight, apartments are expensive. Uh huh. So what? Get a roommate or rent a studio apartment. To get the girl, you need your own space.

Your night with the kids? Fabulous. Women love men who love their children. So wait for another night for your date. Find someone who wants to trade babysitting. Doesn’t cost you a dime that way. Putting your children’s needs first attracts women like crazy.

And seriously

Dating is hard enough. As the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince. Don’t make it more difficult by being the guy no girl in her right mind would go out with.

Are Friends With Benefits REALLY Beneficial?

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When you’ve been single awhile, friends with benefits might just seem to be the answer to your prayers.

You’re alone and lonely, you miss the closeness, you miss being touched and desired, and you may think a FWB (Friends with Benefits) relationship is just what you need.

But have you considered all of the consequences it brings with it?

Imagine a friend approaches you and suggests the two of you embark on a friends with benefits relationship.  If you are attracted to your friend or have wished that your friendship was something more than just a friendship, you might think you have nothing to lose.  You run through all the pros in your mind. Regular sex, intimacy, spending time with someone you like. Hmmm, those sound pretty good!  What the heck? Why not?

Setting the ground rules

One of the first things that usually happens is a discussion of the ground rules.  You may decide that while you are sleeping together you won’t sleep with anyone else.  That if either you meets someone with ‘relationship potential,’ you’re free to walk away without any hassles.  You discuss the fact that it’s not a relationship.  No romantic feelings should be involved.  It’s just about the sex.  Or is it?

Those pesky hormones

The problem is, especially it seems for women, that feelings do develop.  Biology gets involved releasing hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us form an attachment when, in reality, none exists.

It’s almost certain to happen.  She imagines she feels more than she really does. And this, my friends, is how you end up getting hurt.

If you already have some feelings for your friend, you may go into these FWB relationships thinking that he’ll develop feelings for you.

Guess what? It isn’t going to happen.  If he was going to develop feelings for you, he more than likely already would have.

Men do not have the same biology issue that women have.  He is totally able to have his cake and eat it too without any pesky old feelings getting in the way.  He’ll say good bye, forget about you until next week when he gets horny again and that will be that.  He isn’t going to fall in love with you just because he starts sleeping with you.

Single white female seeking nothing

Sometimes you might think that this will be good for you until you do meet someone with relationship potential.  From my own personal experience, the problem with that is that, well, you kind of stop looking.  I mean your body has formed an attachment to this guy, your heart is involved, and you’re having sex on a regular basis. Why on earth would you keep looking?

You should. This is bound to end badly, but often women delude themselves sticking their heads in the sand pretending it’s all okay.

It’s not all okay

Inevitably, it’s got to end either because you can’t deal with the unreciprocated feelings or because he’s getting nervous about them.  Either way, you’ve probably not only ended your friends with benefits relationship, but your friendship as well.  And, the cold hard truth of the matter is, it’s just not worth it.

The biggest blow will likely be to your self esteem.  It will start as a fleeting thought such as “I guess I’m not good enough to have a relationship with. I must only be good enough for sex.”  Soon, that little thought will blossom into a full fledged attack on your self worth.  Next thing you know, you believe you’re not good enough.

Just say no

Do you really want to be that girl?  No sex in the world, no matter how good it is, is worth the risk.  The negative feelings of self worth, the possible loss of a friendship and the possibility of missing out on someone who is right for you are a big price to pay for a roll in the hay.

So, the next time a friend approaches you with just such a proposition, take a minute to really weigh the pros and cons.  If your friend cares about you at all, he’ll respect all of the reasons why friends should remain just friends.