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The 12 Commandments Of First Dates

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Thou shalt not speak of your ex or theirs

The golden rule of the first three dates is NEVER discuss your ex. I could write a whole post on this but as a guideline, if exes come up, keep it vague and move on. You should both have way more to talk about than each other’s pasts loves. Find out about each other before you even think of venturing into the shark infested ex waters.

Talking about your ex may give the impression that you’re not over them and it also may cause your date to draw, rightly or wrongly, conclusions about you. Even worse, sometimes people adjust their behavior and true character on the basis of the information that you reveal. Just don’t go there!

Thou shalt manage your expectations

Expectations, whether you have too little or too much tend to be behind a lot of problems with dating and relationships. You need to go on a first date with eyes open and with your feet firmly in reality.

If you go with too little or with too high expectations, this will not only skew your perception of the person and the date, but it is likely to cause you to ignore important signals about whether this is someone you should pursue further dates with.

Thou shalt leave your jaded, cynical, self at home

I’ve had more bad dates than hot dinners (OK slight exaggeration) but I still kept on going on dates. It’s best not to tar everyone with the same brush and if you can’t stop being negative, you shouldn’t be dating. Positive mental attitude!

Thou shalt make an effort with your appearance

It’s not all about the surface stuff but unfortunately it is the first thing that’s noticed. Hair combed, teeth brushed, breath smelling good (or at least of nothing), not too much perfume or after shave, no B.O., and avoid fashion faux-pas.

Thou shalt be a decent conversationalist

Conversation and communication is all about the exchange hence you must have a good balance of listening and talking. If all you can hear is your voice or theirs, the balance isn’t right. Be careful of spending your brain power thinking about what you’ll say next instead of listening. Ask questions but don’t interrogate, and steer clear of danger topics like religion or politics.

Oh and yes, it goes without saying that you should actually talk and make an effort to overcome your shyness as nobody wants to feel like they’re talking to themselves…

Thou shalt use your manners

There are few things worse than sitting at a table with someone who has hideous table manners or is rude to staff at the place you’re having your date. Don’t talk with your mouth full, do use the cutlery, and don’t even think of being rude to the waiter/waitress who is serving you.

Do open doors, say thank-you and just be generally polite. You don’t need to roll out the red carpet but don’t let your date end up believing that they went out with an ill-mannered person! And for God’s sake don’t burp or fart!

Thou shalt steer clear of anything overtly sexual

I beg you please, unless the sole purpose of the date is to get a shag (I have to wonder why you bothered with the date though…) you will create the wrong impression if you make the focus of the date getting into each other’s pants.

Don’t stare at their breasts/crotch all the time, don’t crowd their personal space, don’t leer, don’t touch inappropriately, and don’t talk dirty. If you kiss, don’t grope them like a randy teenager and it’s probably best not to badger them to have sex.

Thou shalt not get wasted!

I’m not trying to ruin your fun but getting really drunk where it actually impacts on your basic abilities such as walking, talking, or your judgment, is not a very good idea. I prefer to get drunk with people I know and that I’m really comfortable with.

Do you really want to wake up the following morning and be cringing over your slurring, silly behavior, or even worse, puking?

Thou shalt not display aggressiveness….or cry…

Getting angry on a first date or blubbering is a major, major no-no. Both actions show that you’re not really in control of yourself or an ideal date candidate. Being unable to control your temper or just being generally aggressive is actually a red flag and as for the crying, it is likely to make the other party feel highly uncomfortable, especially if you’re crying over someone else… It’s best to keep your emotions…balanced….

Thou shalt not eye up other people

So you’ve spotted a bit of totty – Is it a good idea to be staring at them or keeping tabs on other hot prospects in the room whilst you’re date is sitting there? Oh hell no!

Thou shalt not use your mobile phone

This is especially the case if you own a Blackberry. Put your phone on silent/vibrate and only respond to ‘urgent’ calls, preferably when you go to the toilet. Obviously don’t spend all night checking your messages! Short of actually looking bored, there is no better way to convey your disinterest if you spend the date emailing, texting, or taking calls…

Thou shalt not pretend that you’ll pay or go halves

If you have no intention of paying or splitting the bill, don’t do ‘the reach’ if you can’t follow through. Guy’s in particular find it very annoying when women do ‘the reach’ and then mark the guy down for accepting their offer!

Top Ten Tips For Dressing For Dating Success

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I’m all for individual style and taste but if you want to ensure that you don’t send the wrong messages, there are some style tips that you can’t afford to miss.

Groom from the inside out

I don’t care how hard you’ve worked, how little time you have, and bla, bla, bla, there is absolutely no excuse for lacking in personal hygiene and grooming. Your date doesn’t think “Oh…poor thing, they’re so busy” they just think “Hmmm, not a great first impression”.

This means that you should be clean smelling (don’t put deodorant or perfume over sweat or other dubious body odors), snowflake free (I know that people have dandruff but you don’t need to wear it like a shawl over your shoulder), teeth brushed, breath checked, and bogeys cleaned out of your nose.

To tan or not to tan

If you want to bronze up for your date, I’d steer clear of looking like an Oompa Loompa. Go for your tan the day before so that you don’t rock up to your date looking like a lobster or being in so much pain from sunburn that you can’t enjoy yourself.

Go easy on the fake tan because unless your date shares the same penchant for looking seriously orange, you’re gonna look dayglo….

Don’t try to kill your date with your perfume/aftershave or clown face

Heaven help your poor date when you douse yourself in so much scent that you can be smelt in outer space. A dash of scent is a lot better than eye wateringly, nose bleeding, brain wrenching levels of scent. If you need to take off your makeup with a trowel, it’s too much! Wear the appropriate amount of makeup for the date

Dress your breasts

I’m pleased that you’re proud of your breasts whether they’re real or fake, but if I had a pound for every woman who ever complained about guys spending half the date staring at their breasts, I’d be sitting back counting my cash instead of writing this.

If you don’t want your breasts to be the focal point don’t make them the center of attention by not leaving very much to the imagination. That doesn’t mean cover up like a nun but if your top is something closer to a nipple cover, or you might as well not have bothered with a top at all, you’re wearing too little!

Make. An. Effort

I don’t mean turn up looking like the dog’s dinner in black tie (unless this is actually the dress code) but if you roll up looking like you literally rolled up, you send a very clear message that you are lazy and that you don’t care about what your date thinks of you. This means wear clean clothes, don’t be full of creases or rumples, and basically look like you tried.

Wear clothes that fit

There is nothing worse than finding yourself on a date in too tight shoes, crotch strangling trousers or even worse camel toe, waist pinching attire that only gets tighter the more that you eat, or clothes that make you look like you have a few tires hidden underneath.

It’s not just because it’s more flattering when you wear clothes that fit; it’s actually a hell of a lot more comfortable. Do you really want to be sitting there being petrified of standing up and revealing that you’re literally letting it all hang out? Oh and be careful of trying out new shoes. I have enough experience of barely being able to walk to know that you should not let the date be their first outing.

Don’t be a walking fashion faux-pas

I suggest you rethink any of the following:

  • White socks, black shoes – If in doubt stick with black, navy, or grey socks.
  • White bra, black top – So distressing, it hurts to type it…
  • Socks and sandals – Why wear sandals with a pair of socks?
  • Spandex – Just say no!
  • Medallions – There are some that are actually in fashion but if you look like you’re competing with Mr T or your local pimp, you’ve gone too far.
  • Too short trousers – Do you want to be mistaken as a schoolboy?

Knickers, Knickers, Knickers

It’s not sexy when you show your thong so don’t parade it and keep baring string and bum! Likewise, knicker lines or visible panty lines depending on how bad they are can actually ruin the line of your outfit.

Be careful of flashing as well which tends to happen if you wear things that are literally skimming your crotch…

Easy on the excess body hair

Although this falls under grooming, it needs a place of it’s own. I’m not talking about a bikini wax or sorting the ‘ole back, sack, and crack… This is more for the ladies but unless you know your target audience, I’m not sure that visible hairy armpits should join you on the date. Likewise, if you have really obvious leg hair, wear trousers!

Dress to impress

Even if you have to go straight from work, jazz up your outfit with a different top or shirt, change your shoes, remove a jacket and look like someone who wants to create the first impression. Don’t wear a tracksuit (unless your date is at the gym) and do try to inject a bit of color rather than looking like you’re off to a funeral. Jeans are a very safe bet as they go with a hell of a lot things and can be dressed up or down.

Enjoy!

Top 10 Most Common Online Dating Mistakes

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Not having any luck dating online?

You may be making these mistakes.

1. Being a Winking, IM’ng, and Email Whore

Imagine if you went to a club and winked at someone all night, maybe even leered at them and you hadn’t introduced yourself yet?

Imagine that you kept knocking on someone’s door or leaving umpteen messages for them even though they didn’t so much as know your name?

Yes…they probably would think you were strange and potentially a stalker….

Dating online on one hand puts distance between people but in another way creates an immediacy and intensity that can become very uncomfortable when you don’t know or barely know the person.

Slow your roll and don’t bombard. Remember that all you have seen is a photo, read a profile, or even had a brief bit of communication.

2. Using Sexual References in Profile Names

I don’t care how big your penis is, how great you are in bed, how big your boobs are, or anything else to do with sex. Would you wear a sign around your neck broadcasting these things in the ‘real’ world? Oh hell no!

Using sexual references in your profile name set the tone from the outset and establish you as someone who is on the pull, looking for sex. Whilst you may think that it helps you stand out, you will do, but it won’t be for the right reasons.

3. Not reading the profile – RFTP

This is what I call ‘Read The Effing Profile’! Let’s take it back to the real world again. Imagine that I advertise to fill the position of ‘Software Engineer,

Must have 3 years experience minimum and be proficient in X, Y, Z’ and I get inundated with people who have never done this job, are proficient in A, B, and C, but not X,Y, and Z. It is annoying!

Now I know that this is dating and we’re all hoping that that special someone will give us a chance, but considering that the very basis of online dating is filling out a profile and stating your criteria, it seems very redundant that the bulk of people don’t bother to read the profile…

4. Focusing on sexually charged conversation

I am amazed at how quickly people go from winking, to talking about sex and flashing their private parts over email! If you were having this type of contact so quickly in the ‘real’ world, it is likely that things wouldn’t go anywhere serious very fast…and it’s the same in the virtual world.

If all you want is some sexual fun, knock yourself out, but be wary of engaging in this type of sexual banter if you are genuinely on the lookout for a relationship because it does set the tone.

5. Lousy Photos

Either use a decent one or don’t bother. Out of focus, fake ones, pictures of anything but you, confusing ones with kids and other women or men in them. You get the picture.

Choose a photo that has you looking at your best. You are effectively advertising yourself to a prospective date and whilst it isn’t about the superficial, once you decide to use a photo, use a good one because it is likely to be what is used to determine whether to read the profile (yes some people do this) or make contact.

6. Bad spelling and grammar

Do you want prospective dates to think you’re illiterate or younger than their shoe size? Whilst we all make slip-ups, if you’re entire profile is littered with grammatical and spelling mistakes, it implies that you haven’t made an effort.

If in doubt, put it through a spell check on Word or get someone else to check it for you. Remember: this is how you sell yourself!

7. Writing in CAPITALS

IT’S VERY CONFRONTATIONAL WHEN YOU SEND EMAILS TO PEOPLE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW DEMANDING THAT THEY GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU OR LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE. Nuff said…

8. Assuming that we’re all cut from the same honesty cloth

People, people, people! You cannot, and really shouldn’t assume that because you have been truthful that everyone else around you is. There are a lot of liars out there and you need to get your spidey senses on high alert and be a bit of a sleuth.

Learn to look for the contradictions and gaping holes in people’s ‘stories’. Take off the lust glasses for long enough so that you can be on high alert for red flags and little eeeny, weeny lies…that eventually become bigger problems.

9. Unsolicited (or even solicited) Sexual Photos

Sending photos of your private parts or semi-naked self to people that you don’t know or have had some contact with online, is like flashing…

10. Desperado…please come to your senses

Desperation actually can sell, especially if you’re a man because there are a lot of women out there that will think “Hmmmm…I’ll make him feel better…”, but it is wise to steer clear of being desperate and using your tales of misery as conversation pieces. It’s kinda depressing.

10 Tips for Surviving Valentine’s Day Whether You’re Single or Attached

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As the big day approaches, it’s easy to lose perspective and go into meltdown mode…

1. Remember that Valentine’s Day is ONE day out of a whole 365 days!

If you’re attached, keep yourself grounded in this reality and avoid making Valentine’s the tipping point of your relationship.

If you’re single, much as it might seem like the entire universe is celebrating their love on the 14th, they aren’t, and you can’t let your whole emotional world collapse. Love is something to be celebrated all year round.

2. Manage your expectations but most importantly communicate them.

Are you expecting the sun, moon, and the stars even though you’ve only been in your relationship for a short period of time? Does your partner dislike Valentine’s day and hasn’t previously lived up to your expectations?

I’m not suggesting that you remove the element of surprise or spontaneity, but if you’re the type of person that is likely to feel very disappointed if the day isn’t what you expect, it’s time to discuss your expectations so that you can 1) find out if they are realistic, 2) share your thoughts with your partner, and 3) free the both of you to have a day that you can enjoy.

3. Do not create drama or get stressed about it.

It’s supposed to be a celebration of love but it is very easy to ruin the lead up to it or the actual day.

Whether you are the type of person that resents Valentine’s day and feels inadvertently pressured by your partner or the commerciality of it, or whether you’re that person who lives for Valentine’s day and expects a big gesture, if the person you are with is at conflict with your outlook, you will find yourself in the very unpleasant drama zone.

4. Remember that you’ve saved some money and been spared the pain of scratchy underwear and other such tacky gifts.

It can be quite difficult to come up with something original and inspired for Valentine’s day and there aren’t many of us who haven’t had love dice, love cheques, cheap flowers from the petrol/gas station, furry handcuffs etc, never mind paying over the odds to be packed like sardines into a restaurant with a set menu.

It’s not about throwing the cash around if you are attached, and if you aren’t, pat the extra cash, or treat yourself to something nice.

5. Don’t go on a first date.

There is a lot of expectations and unnecessary pressure when you have a first date on Valentine’s. Be very careful of knee-jerking into a new relationship as we make some of our worst decisions when we’re insecure and desperate to avoid singledom.

6. If you’re single, embrace the day and spend it with those that you love most.

Some of my best night outs have been when I’ve been single on Valentine’s. If you’re not the type that can let the day pass without feeling a bit anxious, hang with your other single friends,

7. No drink dialing.

Do you want to wake up on the 15th with a banging headache and regrets that you’ve made a fool out of yourself calling your ex, or even worse, you’ve slept with them? No matter how horny or sentimental you get, wait till the next day to see if you still feel the same when you’re sober.

8. Don’t seek validation from the day.

If your relationship has issues, gritting your teeth and eeking all of the sentiment out of the day is going to be the equivalent of papering over the cracks of your relationship. Don’t rely on this day to make your relationship but certainly don’t use it as the sole reason to break your relationship either. Likewise if you’re single, don’t think that the absence of a mate or a date invalidates you.

9. Valentine’s day extends to self-love.

As Luther Vandross said “Love the one you’re with” and this time, that’s YOU. V-day spells a great time to evaluate where you are and what you want out of life and your relationships. If there is any overhang from the past, start to deal with it and get happy before you throw yourself back in the dating saddle.

10. Make an effort and small gestures all year round.

If you do this, Valentine’s day won’t feel like guzzling water for the first time after being lost in the desert for a year…

To learn more about Natalie Lue, visit http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.