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Are You Setting Yourself Up For Heartache With Unrealistic Dating Expectations?

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The thing about dating expectations is that sometimes, even when you don’t really have any, they can reach right around and bite you right in the butt.

It can be hard to keep expectations at a realistic level and that’s not even the half of it.

Why? Because there’s another person involved with expectations all their own.
Even at its simplest level, dating is full of expectations. From expecting the phone to ring to expecting an email to having high (or low) expectations for a date, they seem to invade our thoughts at every turn.
Even when we try to keep them at a realistic level, we have no control over the other party’s expectations. And that can be difficult especially if you don’t know what those expectations are.

Motives for dating

People date for all kinds of reasons. Some date to find a lifetime partner; others because they’re bored. Some people see it as a sort of social skills practice; others figure that by dating so many people they’ll eventually find the one they’re looking for. Some are dating to get laid. Still others are too polite to say NO even if they really aren’t feeling it.

Setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations

This can easily set us up to have unrealistic expectations in dating. For example, if you are dating to find a lifetime partner and the great guy you’ve gone out with 3 or 4 times is into dating as a numbers game, you may very well have your expectations of the relationship set way too high.

Or what about the girl who keeps accepting a date with a guy she really has no interest in because she doesn’t know how to tell him NO? Is he in for a surprise or what? Sure, he is. He thinks she likes him when the reality is she’s probably only interested in him as a friend. His expectations are sure to be shattered.

How to avoid unrealistic expectations

There are a couple of ways to keep your dating expectations realistic and keep yourself grounded in reality.

Know what you want

The first thing you have to do is know what you want. Why are you dating? You have to know what you’re looking for.

If you are dating to find a lifetime partner, you’re going to want to date people who are looking for the same thing. If you’re dating several people hoping to find the right one, you darn sure don’t want to keep going out with someone looking for a lifetime partner. That’s how things get awkward and people get hurt.

Communication is the key

Never assume anything! If you think that great guy is dating several women and doesn’t think you have forever potential, you need to know that. And there’s no better way than to ask. Unless you have that dreaded exclusivity talk, all bets are off as far as he’s concerned.

Think he’s sleeping with just you? If he’s into dating casually, he may very well being sleeping with other women as well. You’d better talk to him and make sure if that’s not okay with you.

Like attracts like

Here’s the thing. It will be much easier to keep your dating expectations in line if you are dating people who are dating for the same reason you are. It’s that simple. If you’re both dating casually, there’s little room for error. Likewise, if you are both dating to find a lifetime partner.
That doesn’t mean it’s all gravy though. You still have to communicate your expectations and encourage the people you are dating to do the same. It’s much easier for everyone if you’re both on the same page.

All In Good Fun – Or Date Rape?

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Everyone has different fetishes and fantasies when it comes to sex. Its part of what makes us dynamic and charismatic as human beings.We all like different things.

Where do you draw the line though? Is there a fetish or fantasy that is wrong to take part in? Are there fetishes or fantasies that shouldn’t be satisfied? How do you know how much is too much?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Is it weird if I like to knock my girlfriend out and have sex with her without her knowing?

— Dave, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o-d1KoOqYY[/youtube]

Two Consenting Adults

There are a few things you can look at when you’re trying to decide if your fetish or fantasy crosses the line. First of all, is the activity between two consenting adults?

That’s the biggie. If it’s an adult and an underage person, it definitely crosses the line. If it’s an adult and an unconsenting adult, it’s considered rape or date rape.

This can be if they’re saying no or if you’ve drugged them or knocked them out. Generally speaking, unless the sexual activity is being performed between two consenting adults, it is definitely too much. If you find yourself wanting or needing to be a part of a sexual activity that includes an underage person or an unconsenting adult, seek help. There are a number of good, unbiased counselors that can help you through what you’re experiencing.

Causing Harm

So you’ve passed the first test. Your sexual fetish or fantasy is something that takes place between two consenting adults. The second test is whether or not it causes a great deal of harm

to a person. Sure, a little pain and pleasure never really hurt anyone, but you need to take a look at whether you’re doing serious damage…

Are you drugging someone? Are you hitting them, hurting them or leaving any sort of marks behind? These are all things that definitely cross the line when it comes to sexual pleasure. You can find ways to enjoy yourself sexually without hurting another person or causing a great deal of damage.

If you and your partner both like to play a little rough, come up with a code word that means “stop.” When either partner says the code word, the activity immediately stops. This is a great way to experience your fetishes and fantasies while still keeping you and your partner safe.

What it Boils Down to

When you boil it down, sex with an unconsenting adult is considered rape or date rape. If you’ve drugged that person and they wake up and realize what happened, they can definitely press charges against you.

Depending on what happened, there is likely to be enough physical evidence for a conviction. The same goes for an underage person or a person who says “no” but you end up having sex with them anyway.

Be careful and keep your fetishes and fantasies between you and another consenting adult, because not only can sex with an underage person or unconsenting adult cross the line sexually, it’s also illegal. It’s always better to be safe than sorry!

Find a consenting adult that enjoys what you do and have fun experimenting with sexual fetishes and fantasies with them. As long as everyone involved is okay with what is happening and no one is getting seriously hurt or damaged, it can be fun and exciting to experience sexual pleasure through your fetishes and fantasies!

What Should I Do if My Family Doesn’t Approve of My Lover?

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If you find yourself in a situation where one or more family members don’t approve of your relationship with your partner, you’re not alone.

Often, family members won’t like a partner because they don’t think they’re good enough for you, or for other reasons.

It can be difficult trying to please everyone you care about, including your family and your partner. Does family come first?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My cousin and I have been closer than close for 2 years – Never letting anything get in the way. We are always there for each other. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and she has been recently single for 2 months. I’m in a good relationship and everything is going great. We even started having sex. My cousin is totally against it and now wants me to end my relationship with him. What should I do? He’s the only guy that I have been active with and I love him… but I also believe that family comes first. How could I get my cousin to see that were no different and that she shouldn’t try to intervene in my sex life?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxzhXsq9vRA[/youtube]

Making Your Own Choices

If you’re a legal adult, you can make your own choices about who you want to date and when. Perhaps you don’t want to date anyone or perhaps you want to date someone your family doesn’t approve of. Either way, it’s your choice. It’s no one else’s!

However, that doesn’t make it any less difficult of a situation to deal with if your family is consistently hassling you over who you’re dating. It can be hard to have a positive, successful relationship with someone if your family always has something negative to say about your partner, but it can also be hurtful to be in disagreement with your family over who you’re dating. What do you do? Who do you choose?

You Shouldn’t Have To Choose

You shouldn’t have to choose between your family and who you want to date. Your family should love and accept you no matter what. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. If your family is upset and doesn’t approve of who you’re dating, try having a heart to heart talk with them when your partner is not around. Let them know how much you care about this person and how much they care about you. Let them know that you’re really happy and that you want to continue seeing this person. Let them know politely that it really isn’t any of their concern who you date or who you don’t date.

Many times, if you give your family the chance to really understand that your partner makes you happy, they simply will let it go because they want the best for you. This doesn’t happen all the time though, and some people are stuck making a choice even though they shouldn’t have to.

Making A Choice

If you have to make a choice – as in, if your family is truly threatening to disown you if you continue dating someone they don’t approve of – step back from the situation and consider all the aspects of it on your own. Don’t let your partner or your family members have an influence on your decision. This is something you must do on your own!

Really think about what the members of your family mean to you and how much your partner means to you. Give yourself time to mull it over, because either way, it’s going to be a life altering decision. Once you’ve come to a decision, it’s important to let everyone know that you didn’t want to, nor should you have had to, make the choice.

Keep in mind, many people that choose their families over their partners end up falling out with their families later because it never is the same between them. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to continue dating your partner or not. If they make you happy, it’s no one else’s business who you date!

How To Know If She’s Straight (and interested in you…), Bisexual, or Lesbian?

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When you’re in a club, or another place where lots of people get together to hang out and possibly meet dates, you can sometimes find yourself overwhelmed.

If you’re there looking for a date, it can sometimes be hard to figure out if a girl likes you, or is even interested in you. For all you know, she could be gay or bisexual.

If you’re at a strip club, it can be even harder to figure out if the stripper herself is interested in going out with you or not. How can you tell?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very good when it comes to knowing someone’s strengths and weakness, at work, playing sports, habits, tendencies and what not. But when it comes to meeting women it’s a different story. Like if I went to club.

How do I know which women are straight, bisexual, lesbian?  What are some of the signs? Women walking around in a club and you see them pass by several times, is it their way of checking you out?

And what are your thoughts on dating strippers? Is there away I can incorporate scouting into meeting women?

– Brian, Okla.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XElRFLqoIIk[/youtube]

Getting To Know A Girl’s Body Language

If a girl likes you, she will generally have certain body language. She may lean into you when she talks to you, or she may have her eyes totally focused on you when you’re talking. It’s not limited to that though. There are thousands of different ways that a girl can show you that she’s interested in you, without even saying a word!

At first, she may make eye contact with you across the crowded club. Does she hold that eye contact or look away? Is she walking by you a lot on purpose, or is she just going to the restroom? If you open your eyes and take a hard look at a girl’s body language, it’s pretty obvious whether she’s into you or not. If not, move on! There might be another girl around who is trying to make you notice her!

Gay, Straight, Bisexual?

When looking for a date in a club, or another place, how can you tell if a girl is gay, straight or even bisexual?  Here’s some news – you really can’t. Nobody really wears a sign on themselves proclaiming their sexual orientation, but in some ways it’s obvious. Take a look at the girl and watch her for a few minutes from afar to get a feel for what she’s like.

You might be able to tell right away. If not, just see if she’s interested in you. Ask her out! If she says no, take heart and move on. It could be because she’s gay, or bisexual. It could be because she just broke up with her boyfriend or lost her job. In dating, there’s no way to instantly tell if someone is available or not. You just have to test the waters and see.

At A Strip Club

Many men visit strip clubs to get a good show, but some visit strip clubs as a replacement for a relationship. If you’ve ever dreamed of getting romantically involved with a stripper – or thought a stripper might want to be romantically involved with you – you are probably one of the latter people.  Just a quick note on that.

Strippers generally will show tons of interest in you when you have a few dollar bills in your hand. It’s their job, and it’s how they pay their rent. If a stripper gives you lots of attention while she’s performing and you’re paying, take it with a grain of salt.

However, if she approaches you off the clock or seems interested in you in other ways, feel free to ask her out. There’s nothing wrong with dating a stripper if she really likes you. It might be a good idea, however, not to put all your eggs in one basket. Get out and go to other clubs where you can meet other girls as well.

Can You Win the Approval of the ‘Dating Board’?

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Dating, divorced or not, can be as nerve wracking as a tough job interview.  You never know the questions but at least you know what you should get quizzed on.  You’ve fielded all of the queries from your new interest but it’s time to move on to what I like to call “The Board Room.”

What Is The Dating Board Room?

The Board Room isn’t a physical place.  It’s the culmination of several different people who are going to interview you and present their findings to your lady.  This interview process can take days, weeks or even months, depending on who is part of the board room.  It always occurs, even if you don’t know it.  This is where you may here “You’re fired!”

Who Is On The Board?

The board can consist of several different men and women who have the interests of your lady in mind.  Most women have at least two confidantes; a “best” girlfriend and a close male “GuyFriend.”  Other members of the board normally will include at least one or two other friends of either gender and close family, like her mother and dad.

The Girlfriend

You have to sell yourself to this woman.  Not only is she the closest person to your lady, your lady is probably her best friend.  Early in the relationship The Girlfriend is probably the most important person to not insult, cajole or arouse suspicion in.  Her word will be what seals the deal.  If she doesn’t like you there’s not much hope for your new relationship.

The “GuyFriend”

The GuyFriend can be a tough sell.  Put yourself in his shoes.  Here’s a close female friend of his who is dating this new guy (you).  You’re competing for part of his turf and she will listen to the GuyFriend to determine if you’re a huge creep.  Guys tend to read guys rather well.  If you’re obviously a fraud, the GuyFriend will spot you easily.

Mom and Dad

Depending on how close she is to her family, mom and dad’s opinion of you may be what truly closes this deal.  They raised her, have her interests in mind, and know now to handle your lady when they want her to listen.  Parents also have the job of ALWAYS being the parent and have met her other men.  Mom and dad have the experience of dealing with the good and the bad and will understand your situation.

The Posse

The Posse is her other friends.  The ones she hangs out with now and then but doesn’t share all of her secrets.  One or two may have misgivings about you, it’s bound to happen.  You’re in serious trouble if ALL of them do.

How To Get The Job

There’s only one safe bet to get the job.  Be real.  Be yourself.  Unless you’re a Hollywood actor who never steps out of character and comes back to the real world, people can and will see you for who you really are.  You can only keep up the act for so long.  It’s only a matter of time before your truly colors show.  Remember that a tiger can’t change it’s stripes.  Maybe it can roll in the mud and cover them, but before long someone will see it for what it truly is.

Does Being Divorced Help?

Divorce, hard as it is, can complicate matters even further, particularly if you have children.  Children change the dating landscape and your new lady knows that.  Her parents will be more than willing to impart their wisdom about your situation which has the tendency to be more negative if their daughter doesn’t already have children.

As difficult as things may be, divorce can also be a strength.  You’ve been through something physically and emotionally difficult and come out with a stronger emotional fortitude..  Use that strength in the board room.  Be open about yourself but be true to who you are.  Your lady, her friends and her family will appreciate you more for it.  Before you know it, you’ve got the job.