Online Dating Tips & Advice

Online Dating – 10 Tips for Effective Communication

So you’ve signed up to a dating site and it seems like one big people market. How do you approach prospective dates and how do you ensure that you don’t cross the virtual line?

Here are my tips!

1. Remember the online/offline rule.

Whilst I recognize that it can be difficult to be noticed in the crowd that it is the virtual dating world, do give a thought to whether you would behave this way in the offline world.

Saying or doing things that are considered at best inappropriate or over-familiar in the real world, are still the very same things in the virtual world!

2. Don’t be a pest

So you like them. This doesn’t mean that you should bombard them with emails, IM’s, winks, and demands for attention. You may think that it shows how interested you are but the recipient of your ‘affections’ is likely to think that you’re too persistent, needy, over-familiar, and a bit weird…at best.

3. Introduce yourself

Don’t just charge in like a horny bull in a China shop! What would make me take a second glance at an email? Polite, friendly, introduction where he expresses an interest in getting to know each other a little bit more and even injects a little humor.

What turns me off? Anything with the remotest hint of sex or them being suggestive about my exterior, over-familiarity, and being too assumptive – sending an email doesn’t make us a couple!

4. Avoid the Poor Pathetic Me Whine (PPMW)

This is a cornerstone of male behavior online. Basically the guy broadcasts whatever difficulties he’s having; how down/sad/lonely/depressed, etc he is and women flock to him in the hope that they will be able to ‘fix’ his problems and be the one to make him feel better.

Some of these guys even say flat out that they are no good which only serves to make them more attractive! If women told men that they were down/sad/lonely/depressed, men would run in the opposite direction! Don’t tell prospective dates about your problems, talk positively about yourself!

5. It’s an opportunity

It’s not just an opportunity to meet someone and get to know them further, it’s an opportunity to verify information you read in their profile. I’m not saying that you should turn into Columbo but instead of building sandcastles in the sky, discuss things that were mentioned in the profile.

If they’ve been lying, you’ll find out veeeeerrrrrrryyyyy quickly! As an aside, if you don’t take things too seriously and recognize it as an opportunity, you will manage your expectations better.

6. Stick to email contact initially.

Sometimes when it comes to dating online, people are in too much of a hurry to give out their digits! If you dive straight to giving out your number, you’ll regret this if things don’t actually take off. Email contact is a good starting point but always remember that if things progress, it should NOT be your primary form of communication! When you do give out your number, just give one to start with.

7. Either create a new email address or use the sites messaging service.

I know someone who gets emails to her work address from men that she met online several years ago. Until you are pretty sure that things are going somewhere and you’re going to actually start dating, use the site’s messaging service or create an email address specifically for dating. Trust me, you’ll thank me in the long run.

8. No unsolicited X rated pictures!!!!

They say a picture can say a thousand words but sending someone an unsolicited picture of your penis or vagina says one thing – pervert. It is the equivalent of following someone, opening up your coat, and flashing them. Yeuch!

Remember that even if it is solicited…it is likely to send your ‘relationship’ down the wrong path if what you are looking for is a relationship. To be honest, I always wonder why people do this – When I met men in bars, I never wanted them to show me their penises before the end of the night!

9. Ask open questions in your emails

Very basic rule of sales is that if you want to find out more information, you ask open questions – who, what, where, when, how questions that you can’t just say yes and no to. As an extra tip, if they are dodging answering a question when you are speaking by phone or face to face, ask a closed (requires a yes or no answer) to get an answer!

10. End emails and calls in an open manner

If you end emails or even phone calls in a closed manner where there is no action expected of either of you, you may not get a response or you’ll spend a lot of time wondering what is going to happen next. It’s as simple as suggesting something that requires an answer or stating in the call when you’ll both be in touch next.

9 Tips for Better Online Dating Profile Pictures

By nml

One of the best ways to capture someone’s interest when dating online, is a great picture.

One that is blurry, outdated, is of you and your kids, or a group of people might not be the best choice.

Here are nine tips for choosing the best picture to get their attention.

Start by having a picture in your personals profile

When your photo is absent from your personals profile it says that you’re scared of something.

Now it doesn’t matter that you may be scared of someone who knows you discovering that you meet people online; the lack of photo may be interpreted as:

too scared for people to see what you look like
you’re hiding something

Pictures will give you a far higher rate of success. Rather than go through the rigmerole of not putting up a photo, them asking you for one, and then giving them one, and then maybe hearing from them, maybe not hearing from them….jeez, I’m exhausted just typing that. Just put up your picture.

I beg you to choose a decent photo

Let’s cut the BS. Online dating sites are like a marketplace full of…products…some would say ‘cattle’. Now, much like in the supermarket, eye-catching and attractive products that market themselves well, rise up the shelf for people to see them.

If you fail to choose a photo that represents you in the best light, you are adding extra work to a prospective pursuer because they end up having to ‘visualize’ what you may look like when you’re not clowning around/obscuring your face/making dumb faces/fading into the dark. They may read the finer detail (your profile) but coupled with a decent photo, you have a higher chance of success.

Choose a photo that is representative of you

I’m not even going to let you read between the lines of this – Do not under any circumstances use a photo that you borrowed out of a magazine, royalty-free image service, or the photo frame you just brought. This is the dating equivalent of a violation of the trade description act.

Opt for a photo that has you looking relaxed/happy/friendly

You may think that pouting or setting your jaw makes you look hot but other people may think you’re a bit scary. People don’t want to decipher whether you are mean and moody like your picture – let your photo reflect the positives about you that you should have been mentioning in the written part of the profile.

Don’t be obscure or abstract

My brief foray into dating online had me being confronted with pictures of the sun, churches, trees, and pets. I don’t want to date the sun, church, or a tree, and I don’t want to mess with any pets!

All these photos show is that you like pictures of the sun, you’ve been to a church, you’ve hung by a tree, and you like putting up a picture of an animal more than you do of yourself. As an aside, showing a pet doesn’t prove that you’re caring and sharing. Ladies in particular are no longer fooled by that little trick.

Accentuate your best features

Look at yourself in the mirror and pose as you would for the photo. Now let’s say that all you see is a mirror full of gum and the back of your throat – is this what you want prospective dates to see? Practice smiling until you either find a photo that makes you look attractive or, you discover that big wide open smiles aren’t for you and go with a ‘candid’ photo. It would be a wise idea to ensure you look well groomed in the photo as opposed to ‘just got dragged backwards through a bush.’

Make it a close up

Of your face that is. If the person needs to squint or try to get you on zoom, you’re not close enough. It goes back to – what are you trying to hide?

Be careful of other people

If there are several people in the photo, choose one where you are the dominant person in the photo – you need to be the focal point. If the photo is too busy or you’re fading into the distance, they won’t even know who you are.

Remember that if there are only two of you in the photo, people may draw conclusions. Obviously, don’t post a pic of yourself with your ex!!!!

I love kids…but not in profile pics

If you are successful in meeting someone, they have plenty of time to meet your kids. Until then they really don’t need to be in the photo with you on a dating site, whether they are yours or someone else’s.

Online Dating? 5 Signs You Should Run Like Hell!

By lisaquirke

Sometimes the big bad world of online dating can be very confusing. It seems it gets harder and harder to know when to trust a potential date. Use these 5 tips to know when you should pursue a connection or run like hell.

1. He takes no time to get to know you

So you get an email from someone telling you they’re interested in getting to know you. You check out the profile and see potential. Then you reply saying you are interested as well. The next email says, “Great! Let’s meet!”

Whoa Nelly! Slow down there just a bit. Two emails, especially short one or two liner emails, are not enough here. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not telling you to drag it out for months or even weeks, but do give it a few days at least.

But maybe more importantly, make sure you are having conversations with substance. You should be talking, asking questions, and really getting to know each other before a rushed meet. Otherwise, how do you even know he’s someone you want to know. And vice versa.

I learned this lesson the hard way recently with a date. He had emailed saying hello. I emailed back asking how he was. The very next email asked if I wanted to meet.

I agreed and was in for not only horrible date, but one that ended in text message harassment and physical threats.

Was that a bad call or what? I had no idea what I was getting into and, obviously, I made a bad judgment call. Don’t make the same mistake.

2. He makes you a goddess in 2.5 emails

This guy will woo you with romantic notions and flowery words. He will become “hooked” in record time and will proceed to fill your head with more cornball notions than you’ve ever seen or heard before.

One of the problems here is that, at first blush, it’s easy to get caught up in it all. That part of you that has been single and feeling less than desirable is thinking, “Well, it’s about time!” Back away for awhile and try to look at the conversation objectively.

If he immediately started in with nothing but excessive compliments and talk of finally finding the “one,” you have a problem. Not only that but if, in those first few emails, you suddenly have much more in common than it seemed from his profile, he may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

One guy I was chatting with didn’t have an occupation listed on his profile. When I suggested we perhaps after getting to know each awhile we might want to exchange phone numbers to continue the conversation, he responded that he didn’t have a phone. After all, he is a teacher too and being one myself, I could empathize with the amount of money teachers don’t make.

Really? Kind of a coincidence isn’t it? And, if we were really both in the same profession, I would have thought he would have mentioned it sooner.

3. He doesn’t respond to what you say

He emails. You respond by commenting on what he said. You throw in some observations and ask some questions. He replies completing ignoring the questions and responding only to a few ideas–ideas that he introduced into the conversation to begin with.

Maybe he’s flattered you by asking for more pictures which you obligingly send. Tit for tat right? But when you ask for more pictures of him, he completes ignores the request. The same applies if you ask questions regarding his profession or occupation, his kids, or previous relationships.

4. He’s so hot, but…

You get an email, open the profile, and then start drooling all over your keyboard. Wow! Could someone that hot really be interested in me?

Stop. Reign in your hormones and check out the rest of the profile. Is that one unbelievable photo the only one? Does it look like it came with the $7.95 picture frame he just bought?

If so, this dude very well not be who he claims to be. Can you say 350 pounds in a wife beater? Not only that but, if he’s posting a fake picture, it’s a relatively safe bet that the rest of the profile is fiction as well.

5. He just seems fishy

If things just don’t add up, he is probably not who he says he is. If he changes what he says or things he says don’t match what his profile says, these are first signs he may be lying. Other signs would be if after chatting for awhile, he won’t exchange contact information or shows no signs of meeting.

I met a guy a few years ago who completely fit this bill. He purportedly had a civil government job which required he split his time between two states. After exchanging phone numbers and missing his call any number of times, I realized that he was only calling during the day. Voicemails always said he would try me again and never suggested I call him, and there was always excuse as to why he couldn’t call in the evening.

Also, I never heard from him on the weekends. He only emailed and called Monday through Friday. Pretty good sign he was either married or had a girlfriend at the least.

Stay safe and trust your gut

The biggest thing is to trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then something is probably wrong. If you find yourself going against your instincts, it just means that he’s very good at making women trust him. He’s got the whole game down to a science. Walk away.

It really almost goes without saying that you should never provide personal information too quickly, and yet many women make this mistake. While I am usually very guarded about such things, I have found myself lately revealing too much, too soon in some cases.

When the guy in #1 started harassing me with texts and I talked to my boss about it, his first question was “Does he know where you work?” Thank goodness I could honestly answer “No.” And yet there have been many cases when I have given that information out without a second thought. It becomes easy to become complacent, so until you are really sure you know someone, caution should be the rule rather than the exception.

Top 10 Most Common Online Dating Mistakes

By nml

Not having any luck dating online?

You may be making these mistakes.

1. Being a Winking, IM’ng, and Email Whore

Imagine if you went to a club and winked at someone all night, maybe even leered at them and you hadn’t introduced yourself yet?

Imagine that you kept knocking on someone’s door or leaving umpteen messages for them even though they didn’t so much as know your name?

Yes…they probably would think you were strange and potentially a stalker….

Dating online on one hand puts distance between people but in another way creates an immediacy and intensity that can become very uncomfortable when you don’t know or barely know the person.

Slow your roll and don’t bombard. Remember that all you have seen is a photo, read a profile, or even had a brief bit of communication.

2. Using Sexual References in Profile Names

I don’t care how big your penis is, how great you are in bed, how big your boobs are, or anything else to do with sex. Would you wear a sign around your neck broadcasting these things in the ‘real’ world? Oh hell no!

Using sexual references in your profile name set the tone from the outset and establish you as someone who is on the pull, looking for sex. Whilst you may think that it helps you stand out, you will do, but it won’t be for the right reasons.

3. Not reading the profile – RFTP

This is what I call ‘Read The Effing Profile’! Let’s take it back to the real world again. Imagine that I advertise to fill the position of ‘Software Engineer,

Must have 3 years experience minimum and be proficient in X, Y, Z’ and I get inundated with people who have never done this job, are proficient in A, B, and C, but not X,Y, and Z. It is annoying!

Now I know that this is dating and we’re all hoping that that special someone will give us a chance, but considering that the very basis of online dating is filling out a profile and stating your criteria, it seems very redundant that the bulk of people don’t bother to read the profile…

4. Focusing on sexually charged conversation

I am amazed at how quickly people go from winking, to talking about sex and flashing their private parts over email! If you were having this type of contact so quickly in the ‘real’ world, it is likely that things wouldn’t go anywhere serious very fast…and it’s the same in the virtual world.

If all you want is some sexual fun, knock yourself out, but be wary of engaging in this type of sexual banter if you are genuinely on the lookout for a relationship because it does set the tone.

5. Lousy Photos

Either use a decent one or don’t bother. Out of focus, fake ones, pictures of anything but you, confusing ones with kids and other women or men in them. You get the picture.

Choose a photo that has you looking at your best. You are effectively advertising yourself to a prospective date and whilst it isn’t about the superficial, once you decide to use a photo, use a good one because it is likely to be what is used to determine whether to read the profile (yes some people do this) or make contact.

6. Bad spelling and grammar

Do you want prospective dates to think you’re illiterate or younger than their shoe size? Whilst we all make slip-ups, if you’re entire profile is littered with grammatical and spelling mistakes, it implies that you haven’t made an effort.

If in doubt, put it through a spell check on Word or get someone else to check it for you. Remember: this is how you sell yourself!

7. Writing in CAPITALS

IT’S VERY CONFRONTATIONAL WHEN YOU SEND EMAILS TO PEOPLE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW DEMANDING THAT THEY GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU OR LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE. Nuff said…

8. Assuming that we’re all cut from the same honesty cloth

People, people, people! You cannot, and really shouldn’t assume that because you have been truthful that everyone else around you is. There are a lot of liars out there and you need to get your spidey senses on high alert and be a bit of a sleuth.

Learn to look for the contradictions and gaping holes in people’s ‘stories’. Take off the lust glasses for long enough so that you can be on high alert for red flags and little eeeny, weeny lies…that eventually become bigger problems.

9. Unsolicited (or even solicited) Sexual Photos

Sending photos of your private parts or semi-naked self to people that you don’t know or have had some contact with online, is like flashing…

10. Desperado…please come to your senses

Desperation actually can sell, especially if you’re a man because there are a lot of women out there that will think “Hmmmm…I’ll make him feel better…”, but it is wise to steer clear of being desperate and using your tales of misery as conversation pieces. It’s kinda depressing.

Online Dating: The Single Mom Conundrum

By lavalife1

I’m a single mom and my child is the first thing on my mind at all times. But I don’t want to be defined by my single-mom status.

I am so much more than that and besides, the label has such depressing connotations — desperation, loneliness, sadness. Yet I am none of those things. So when it comes to online dating, when is the ideal time to reveal your single-parent status?

My first ad on Lavalife was honest. I said that I was a single mom but not looking for anyone to rescue me, thank you very much. I got a few hits from really strange guys. One sexy guy smiled at me, but said he’d only be interested in some fun, as he’d had enough of the single mother type. I was furious. I’m not a type just because I’ve had a child. So after some depressing experiences, I’ve stopped mentioning my child in my ad.

Is that wrong?

“No,” says Sherrie Schneider, co-author of The Rules for Online Dating, “Nowhere in your ad should you mention your children. Don’t say that you love hugging your three-year-old, talking walks with your teen and never, ever, post a photograph online that shows you with your kids.”

Its not that Schneider advocates pretending that the kids don’t exist. If there’s a fact box to check that asks whether you have any, you should check yes, but you shouldn’t offer any further info on the topic if you want to attract a man.

Operating on a need-to-know basis is also advocated by Sharon McKenna, author of Sex and the Single Mother. “It seems deceptive not to disclose it, but unless they ask you directly or you’re out on a date and it seems like there’s a real chance of romance, telling them isn’t necessary,” she says, “But, if it feels like something good could develop, you need to tell them straight away.”

One single mom I know, Ally*, admitted to placing two ads, one that mentions her child and one that doesn’t. “My barren ad attracted more men,” she says, “It’s like the Internet mimics the real world. Who knew?”

Strangely enough, being a single dad doesn’t seem to have the same effect on the number of hits you get or mean that you only hear from single moms. James says that his ad, which mentions that his children are the most important thing in his life, brings him lots of dates. “Honestly, I think that women feel like I’m less likely to be a jerk because I’m a dad,” he says, “Which is probably true to some extent, as having children made me become a lot more mature and dependable than my childless friends.”

When looking through personal ads it can be cringe-inducing to see how some guys use their kids to show you how nice they are. Putting pictures of your kids up on a dating site is pretty creepy whether you are male or female. But when browsing through ads, this tends to be something guys do much more readily. “I would never do that,” says James, “My kids aren’t some kind of bargaining chips for me to show what cute babies I can make.”

Another friend, Helen, always mentions her son somewhere in her profile, though she does it discreetly. “As much as I am looking for someone, I am screening people as well,” she says, “I wouldn’t want to be with someone who dislikes children or doesn’t get the limitations that having a child places on dating. For example, I cannot just go on spontaneous dates or away for a weekend without enough notice to get a sitter.”

I had a few interesting IM chats with a guy who seemed interesting but just didn’t get the single parent thing even though we’d discussed it (briefly). He’d email me in the middle of the day and ask if we could meet for drinks that evening, then get irritated when I’d say no. He just couldn’t understand that it was impossible to get away with an hour’s notice. Needless to say, we never actually met in real life.

Before you do actually drop the bombshell that you are a mom, it’s going to be a whole lot easier if you know a little about your potential paramour’s history. McKenna asks whether her dates have been married, how they feel about children and other subtly probing questions. “It gives you some context and you’re better equipped to tell them your story,” she says.

How they feel about you having a child is a good indicator of whether or not you could continue to date them. Though it’s really good if a guy is interested in hearing about your child, you don’t want it to be the sole topic of conversation. When a guy is overly interested in your child it can be a turn-off. Ally finds it creepy when a date shows too much interest, which has happened: “Open and interested is good. Offering to baby-sit is weird.”

Unfortunately, no matter how cool you think a guy is, he may lose interest once he finds out about your kids. “It just means that he wasn’t the right guy,” says Schneider, “And not worth worrying about.”

Finding out that there are plenty of men out there who won’t date single parents can be shocking but if you don’t disclose about your children you’re looking for trouble. “You don’t need to be with people that are so rigid they won’t date someone with a child, how they react to you telling them about your child is a great screening process,” says McKenna, “If they lose interest in you because of your child then screw them, they wouldn’t have been worth dating anyway.”

* Names have been changed to ensure privacy

Sidebar:

Hollywood’s Hottest Single Moms

Reese Witherspoon

After divorcing Ryan Phillipe, Reese became single mom to Ava (aged 8) and Deacon (4) which hasn’t stopped her enjoying dates with recent co-star Jake Gyllenhaal.

Kate Hudson

Kate’s gorgeous son Ryder (3) was born during her six-year marriage to Black Crowes front man Chris Robinson.

Michelle Williams

Two-year-old Matilda is the spitting image of daddy Heath Ledger, but the couple recently announced that they’d split and would be parenting solo.

Krista Allen

Having a 10-year-old son, Jake, hasn’t stopped this celluloid beauty dating some of the world’s most gorgeous men, including George Clooney.

Meg Ryan

Ryan chose single motherhood and adopted her baby, Daisy True, from China in 2006.