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Internet, Love And Marriage

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It may be hard to believe that there are any households out there nowadays without internet connectivity, but there are, and if you’re single and living in one of them, you’re less likely to be in a relationship. After all the feedback we hear on how the internet can hurt our relationships, it may seem counterintuitive but the data is there, at least for now.

Does The Internet = A Greater Chance At Finding Love?

A new study shows that adults who have Internet access at home are much more likely to be in romantic relationships than adults without Internet access. And it’s not just because people spending lots of time on the internet are meeting their significant others there, although that factors in. In addition to finding that people are more likely to be in romantic relationships if they have Internet access in their homes the study revealed that the Internet is the one place that gaining importance as a place where couples meet. This study, called “Meeting Online: The Rise of the Internet as a Social Intermediary” proves that Internet access has an important role to play in helping Americans find mates.

“With the meteoric rise of the Internet as a way couples have met in the past few years, and the concomitant recent decline in the central role of friends, it is possible that in the next several years the Internet could eclipse friends as the most influential way Americans meet their romantic partners, displacing friends out of the top position for the first time since the early 1940s,” said Michael J. Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University and the lead author of the study.

How To Keep It In Check

This should come as no surprise, as most of us have a desire for connection with someone else – as well as a readily-available internet connection! But online dating can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful, through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view interaction within our selves and with our partners. It can become a particular factor in people who are used to constant stimulation and change – much like what we see on the internet!

This craving starts when stress causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down.

So no matter where you meet your significant other – online, in person, through friends, wherever – keep in mind that all the search for constant stimulation is great in our culture and can cause stress and thrill-seeking behavior. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.

Beware Of Dating Via Social Networks

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A woman in the UK recently set up a Facebook page to help her facilitate sexual encounters. The page, entitled “I Need Sex” has since been shut down but before it was, the owner, Laura Michaels, said she met up with and slept with 50 men. Admitted Michaels, “I know that it was risky behavior but that was part of the thrill.”

According UK paper The Sun, Michaels admitted some people might “look down on me” for her behaviour and said some might even say that she may as well have been a prostitute because then she would at least have been paid for sleeping with so many different men, but she said: “I don’t see it like that at all. I was satisfying my own desires by setting up the group.”

Social Networking vs. Online Dating Sites

Gathering dates on social networking sites can be much riskier and more dangerous than utilizing online dating sites for a number of reasons, one of which being dating sites are set up to deal with issues of safety and privacy whereas social networks aren’t focused on that in terms of facilitating meetings and dates. Another issue is that it’s possible for people looking to date or hook up on social networking sites may more often be like Laura Michaels: seeking a thrill. Utilizing this method can be a bad way of trying to get attention.

As Michaels admitted to, this behavior is risky. People seeking it out usually have problems with intimacy and aren’t of the caliber that would create a healthy, fulfilling, safe relationship. It’s this thrill-seeking behavior that can often lead to affairs and other relationship troubles down the road.

It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead. It could be the case that people looking for lots of casual encounters via social networking are seeking out a way to mask the fact that they don’t want to deal with their emotions or don’t know how to engage in true intimacy. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

How Social Networking Can Kill Your Potential Relationships

Additionally, social networks – while they certainly have a number of good, positive aspects – have created a culture of self-indulgence where it’s easy to broadcast any and everything about yourself and find exactly what you’re looking for. This is another behavior that’s fraught with problems when it comes to the point of trying to create a committed relationship. People who have been going a mile a minute, playing fast and loose with sex, emotions and everything in between will find that they have a difficult time honing in on a relationship.

Of course, people seeking these types of thrills aren’t usually concerned with a potential relationship down the road and that’s just the problem – they’re in it for the high the feel in the moment without examining what’s making them seek that high. Just as I encourage couples suffering from this thrill-seeking behavior to communicate with each other, I would instruct single people indulging in risky behavior to communicate with themselves; dig deeper than indulging a momentary desire and learn what feeds the need to act in such a way.

Here There Be Weirdos: How To Meet Great People Online

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For every successful “I met my boyfriend online” story, there are probably one hundred hilarious, awful, or creepy stories to prove the adage, “Now I see why he looks for dates online.” While online dating is no longer taboo or even uncommon, it can still be very tricky to successfully maneuver (and with your optimism about dating still intact, no less).

Be Truthful In Your Profile

If you hiking makes you wheeze and you would rather watch a Lifetime movie than a documentary, say so. Don’t write what you think others will like. (Similarly, if not superficially, don’t post pictures which are, um, dishonest.) Wake up! As soon as you meet, that person will see the real you anyways (unless this is some wacky sitcom in which you hire an actor to play you on the date, because you accidentally bleached your hair the night before). When you finally meet, this person may not feel you are his or her type (it stings, I know, but that’s life) after all; not to mention, your date might be peeved that you lied.

Resist The Urge To Be Snarky Or Apathetic

“Internet dating is so lame.” “I’m only doing this to shut your friends up.” Don’t worry. I get it and so does everyone else who reads your profile: you are embarrassed. You are ashamed that you are shopping online for a boyfriend like you shop for shoes. You worry that people will see you as one of the aforementioned cases of why can’t she get a date in the real world? Get over it. Millions of people date online, whether out of convenience, in an effort to save money, or as a way to connect with someone prior to physically meeting. Coming across as judgmental or bored on your profile will not wow anybody.

Be Selective With Whom You Meet

Don’t devalue your time or yourself by talking to people with whom you’re not stoked about or interested in. Rather than feeling obligated to talk to or meet with someone out of worry of seeming cold, politely decline. Otherwise, you will be wasting your time and theirs if you don’t see a relationship coming out of it. Similarly, don’t feel pressured into continuing contact with pushy people. There seem to be a lot of them online.

Don’t Wait For Others To Contact You

Take the initiative and send them a note. If they are not interested, they will likely either ignore your message or gently turn you down (sometimes you will encounter jerks, but why let the bad manners of others bother you?). No harm, no foul. Try again.

Give It Some Time

You won’t meet Prince Charming right away. Hell, you may not even meet Prince Um-Okay for a while. Nevertheless, if you are serious about finding a relationship, you shouldn’t give up after the first bad date. Along those lines, if you start chatting with someone you like, don’t rush into the first meeting. Keep up the conversation. Getting to know a person is the best way of ensuring the first date will go well, since you will have weeded out any incompatible people long before you ever meet up.

How to Chat Safely Both Online And Off

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Protecting your identity may seem like common sense, but when we start flirting, chatting, and enjoying ourselves a little too much, we can sometimes forget that there are predators (sexual, identity theft, etc) both online and off. Here are some key things to remember next time you start feeling a little too comfy with the person on the other end of the line – whom you’ve never actually met.

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Trust Your Instincts

Your instincts are one of the best ways to tell if someone is for real or not. Your body has ways of letting you know that something isn’t right, and if you start getting that feeling, it’s best to trust your gut. You may know exactly why you’re not feeling comfortable with someone when dating online, but then again, you may not. Someone may seem on the level at first and even second glance, and everything might seem to check out. Logically, there might not be any reason for you to be suspicious. You may only have a “feeling” that something isn’t quite right, but just because you don’t know “for sure” doesn’t mean you need to ignore it. If you feel like something is up, it likely is. Trust yourself. Don’t allow yourself to be uncomfortable with someone simply because you aren’t sure why. In many instances, it’s better to follow your gut.

Guard Your Privacy

It never hurts to be extra cautious and extra safe. Until you really, really get to know this person both online and off, it’s important that you guard all aspects of your privacy. Do any and all talking through a safe source, such as an anonymous phone chatline or an anonymous online dating website. Never give out your email address, your real name, your telephone number, your address or where you work. Instead of worrying about what is safe to share and what isn’t, keep it simple and don’t share anything until you’ve really gotten to know someone and are able to trust them.

Know When To Get Out Of A Freaky Situation

If you suspect you might be talking to someone who isn’t on the level, or have even met them in person, don’t be afraid to get yourself out of a bad situation A.S.A.P. You don’t owe anyone anything and your safety and well being is your top priority when dating and chatting online and over the phone. While there are some very good liars out there, many of them will give you several clues that will let you know that something just isn’t right. For example, be on the watch for angry outbursts and manipulative language or behavior. Do not tolerate disrespectful comments or any type of derogatory behavior towards you. Watch out for inconsistent information such as birthdays, horoscope signs, age, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc. Many people who lie will tell you one thing at one time and something completely different another time because they’ve completely forgotten what they’ve lied about in the first place. Also, another telltale sign that something is amiss is evasiveness. Someone who is honest and straightforward won’t have any problems answering reasonable questions, but someone who has something to hide will often skirt the questions or provide evasive, vague answers. If you feel that you’re in a situation that is not 100% honest, it’s time to cut all ties and move on.

Q&A: Online Dating – Can You Fall In Love Without Meeting?

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There are a lot of questions when it comes to online dating, but very few answers as online dating is still new, uncharted territory for many people. Can you fall in love online, or do you need to meet them first? How can you stay safe if you do end up meeting them in person? Here’s what you need to know about love and online dating.

Question: Hi Dan & Jenn, I have an online dating question. I signed up for a dating website last week and a man, two years older than me from California e-mailed me a day later. We’ve been e-mailing each other constantly and texting/talking ever since, and he’s just told me that he wishes to be with me until he grows old- he even mentioned flying me to California whenever I wish to visit. The problem is, is it possible for a man who’s never officially met me to develop such strong feelings for me so quickly? I’m honestly really baffled by this.

–YouTube Viewer

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Possible But Not Probable

While theoretically it is possible to fall in love online without having met them first, but it’s definitely not probable. There are too many unknowns when it comes to a relationship with someone online to really say for sure if you love them or if they love you. You may really like them and even have strong feelings for them (or vice versa) but is it really love? If someone tells you they love you before you even meet them, take it with a grain of salt. Often, people are unable to accurately express strong feelings for someone and may just be using the word “love” because they don’t have any other way of explaining how they feel.

In Love With The Idea Of You

When using online dating sites, there are lots of things you and your partner don’t know about each other and it’s difficult to say you love someone without knowing these things. For example, your partner may know what your favorite color is and what you like to eat for dinner, but he doesn’t know how you smell or how your hand fits in his. He’s unaware of your mannerisms, how you move and how a hug or kiss from you feels. These are all essential components of a relationship that can’t be obtained over the Internet. Generally, when someone says they love you when they haven’t met you in person it means that they are in love with the “idea” of you. Their imagination has filled in all the blank spots, and naturally they are in love with that person. But that’s not the real you! The way you kiss or hold his hand may be completely different than the way he’s imagined it.

What To Do If You Do Meet

If you do decide to meet in person, it’s important to consider online dating safety first until you’ve met a few times and have gotten to know each other. Meet him in a public place during the day for a short amount of time. A half hour coffee is probably enough to get your feet wet and allow both of you to decide if you want to meet again. At first, pay your own way so you aren’t indebted to him in any way, and make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and when you plan to be back. Take it slow and get to know them before being alone with them.