I’ve been noticing a somewhat disturbing trend in the way some women interpret their sense of power. It has to do with what used to be considered shameful, and downright humiliating, but now is common practice: admitting, or even advertising, that you’re the other woman and you’re having an affair with a married man.

Now, I myself have dated a married guy. It was many years ago, when I was young and immature, and I tried to convince myself that the things he was telling me were true. I wanted to believe that he was no longer sleeping with his wife, and that he would eventually leave her for me. I wanted to believe he would make good on his promise to marry me instead.

Who Is The Victim Here?

As you might imagine, there was a lot of anxiety and heartache that went along with this relationship, but what made it even more difficult to bear is that I felt I had to go through it alone. I was way too ashamed and frightened to share my indiscretions with anyone, and it sure as hell never occurred to me to call the newspapers and advertise what was going on. During all that time we struggled through our doomed relationship, I never would have dreamed of blowing the lid off everything. Something inside me knew that even though we were in love, and even though we told ourselves and each other that it would all work out eventually, we knew we had rung a bell we couldn’t un-ring, and that eventual disaster was the most likely scenario. And the greatest victim? His wife, of course. I often feel sad about the pain she had to go through because of what we did, and that was even without anyone else knowing about it.

All For The Money

So now, fast-forward twenty years… and where are we now as a culture? Well, announcing your infidelities is not only acceptable, it’s downright fashionable! Women are coming forward in droves to alert the media of things they should more appropriately feel humiliated and regretful about. “Hey everybody, check me out, I had sex with Tiger Woods!” What a wonderful example of what womankind is willing to sink to – thank you for taking us all down with you in your trampy media frenzy. And why on earth would a woman do this to herself, behave in such a vile, disgusting manner with no regard for the feelings or lives of others? One word: money. Money is the reason these women come forward and spill to the tabloids all the details of whom they slept with and when and where. Money is the reason we know about all the details of the celebrities’ private sex lives and affairs. It all comes down to these women seeing dollar signs and not being able to listen to the voice of integrity. And this is the new type of prostitution – getting paid to share your sexual indiscretions with anyone who will listen.

Is Low Self-Esteem The Culprit?

I’m curious to consider what would cause some women to take such a gigantic step backwards in our cultural evolution – why, after so many hard-won strides forward, a woman would sabotage herself by unraveling everything we have done for ourselves and worked so hard for? It’s impossible to say. I think, though, that we can start pinpointing the cause if we look at one particular area that seems to be lacking: self-esteem. If you have no personal integrity, no desire to go out and make an honest living rather than leeching off the misery of others, then the things you tell the news reporters say a lot more about you and your infidelity than they do about the people whose lives you are ruining.

In 1968, Andy Warhol predicted that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” It struck a chord and has been a favorite phrase of those achieving fleeting media publicity ever since. Between reality TV and the Internet, Warhol’s prediction has come true in ways unfathomable prior to the 1990’s when the Internet first gained commercial status.

Since November 2009, there is a new breed of publicity grabbing hustlers that ought to strike fear in the heart of philandering men the same way Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction, when her character, Alex, declared to her lover, “I will not be ignored!” High profile, philandering men beware, there are women who will use you to grab their fifteen minutes of fame at the expense of your reputation and your family’s peace of mind.

Gaining Attention

Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, was outed for having an affair by the woman he had the affair with. Sound familiar? Tiger Woods now infamous long list of women claiming to have been his lover is seared in our memories as part of the 2009 Holiday season background noise.

You don’t have to have the celebrity status of a Tiger Woods or Jesse James. With today’s fifteen minutes of world wide fame, YouTube can accommodate the whims of any woman in the tiniest community who has just a little knowledge of web sites that require you to sign up, sign in, and load up a little information and then, there you have it; your life as you know it ruined by the other woman, using the affair to create notoriety for herself.

When a number of the women Tiger slept with came forward with their names, faces, and occupations, people were stunned that those women had the audacity to draw attention to themselves rather than disappear into the shadows for fear a scarlet letter “A” be emblazoned on their lives. What kind of woman reveals her status as the lover of an adulterer? What kind of society encourages such displays?

I have a hunch about this. Women are born with an innate desire for their men to protect and provide for them. Never before in history has society offered the other woman the means to either force her adulterous lover’s hand to protect and provide for her or to do that for herself by taking advantage of multiple forms of media to plead her case to the public.

Using An Affair For Publicity

John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, raised people’s ire recently with published photographs that included a picture of her lying on her back in bed, looking seductively at the camera as she clutched their child to her breast. She reportedly posed for the pictures because she needed the money. With no apparent regard for good taste or the questionable appropriateness of using her child this way, Rielle used her affair with the former senator and presidential candidate to provide for herself monetarily.

In 2010 in the Western world, the other woman has more power to take care of herself at her lover’s expense than ever before in recorded history. While notoriety and ephemeral fame are short lived providers, they give the other woman a weapon that serves her, not him. That is the distinction that could make this public tell-all by the other woman a new and growing trend. Time will tell.

One source is referring to Elin and Tiger Woods the “married divorced couple” and with the pair’s decision to move back in together to help “rebuild his image,” it seems that this nomenclature may actually make sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time apart after something as painful as infidelity, in fact it’s something I suggest. An intentional break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome. A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. But – the brush with death is only potent if done for a long enough period of time – it’s possible they may need more time apart to appreciate their relationship.

Did Tiger And Elin Spend Enough Time Apart?

Elin and Tiger spent time apart, but did they spend enough time to successfully achieve the desired affects of a brush with death? Of course it’s impossible to know a couple’s true circumstances and motivation but my concern is that Tiger is motivated by a public perception that wants to see him picking up the pieces and he may not have taken the sufficient steps to make the relationship work with the one person that really matters in this equation: his wife.

The source quoted in People magazine says: “The marriage is all smoke and mirrors, but Elin will help Tiger rebuild his image and gain new sponsorships because this is what his life is all about. She is doing this more for the kids and holding the family together then anything else.”

When To Move Forward

People in situations similar to Elin’s typically need something to pour themselves into after such a catastrophe and it’s not uncommon to put even more effort into one’s family. But without properly working through the root causes of each issue, all the family focus or “brushes with death” in the world won’t be enough to put lives back together. Is there a way to know when you’re ready to move forward with a relationship after something so painful? There isn’t one easy answer to that question but I believe healing can begin to start between a couple when it’s started individually.

I encourage people in this situation to use “Smart Heart” skills and dialogue to cure the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection – this creates a safe place of communication where each partner can be honest about their shortcomings and fears. Divorces occur as people do not have the tools to cure this disease, it is treatable/curable and forgivable when treated properly.