Continuing the trend of politicians caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Closely on the heels of Sanford’s news came the revelation that Senator John Ensign was also admitting infidelity. Politician cheating is nothing new, and I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that politicians have higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis. Psychologically, they’re more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.”

Forgiving Adultery?

Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse his actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of tress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What can we learn from Sanford (and others like him)?

Understanding Infidelity

1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.

For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a
preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals
around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have
sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle
all over again.

2). It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.

Sanford’s wife stated that she was aware of the infidelity and the couple was undergoing a trial separation as a way to SAVE their marriage (I call this the “brush with death” and it can be quite effective if both people are on the same page, although in this situation that doesn’t appear to be the case.)

3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.

It’s likely that Sanford subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

Seventy-two-year-old Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi has made sex and scandal part of his political legacy He’s survived 17 criminal trials without conviction, and the most recent scandals allegedly involve some of the women in his administration. 

Does He Have the Infidelity Gene?

UK newspaper the Times Online says his opponents see him as a doddering septuagenarian addicted to mysterious injections; supporters paint him as a tireless Don Juan, capable of satisfying two or three women at once. Whatever the case, there’s no denying that the Italian PM may have that infidelity gene that researchers think they identified!

Not to diminish the attempt of Berlusconi to include women as 30% of his administration, but they all tend to be former starlets who gained fame when he was a TV mogul.   Because of this, a number of people have given him the nickname, “un magnaccia,” a colorful term for pimp, because of the time he’s spent finding work for “showgirls” rather than solving government problems.

Thrill-Seeking Behavior

Berlusconi is clearly engaging in a thrill-seeking behavior common in people with high-stress, high-risk jobs, like politicians. Politicians have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel.

Add to this that I believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. I call it the bio-chemical craving for connection. It usually stems from three things: stress, loss or separation and leads to thrill-seeking behavior to avoid that feeling of emptiness.

According to Berlusconi’s personal physician, Bersulsconi, “has a strong sexual personality, and they are highly attracted to him. But it quickly turned to legend, and he has been the object of a disgraceful violation of privacy that would never be permitted in the US.”

Sex has always played a role in Berlusconi’s image. But that doesn’t mean that he, or others who are similarly disposed, has to live in this shadow or have an unhealthy relationship with sexuality.

As people begin to spend more and more time online for both work and pleasure, it’s only natural that you’re going to meet people online through websites and even through friends.

Sometimes, however, people build relationships with others online, even if they’re currently in a relationship with someone in the real world. Is virtual cheating really cheating?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Just recently I found out that my husband has been e-mailing other women online. When I confronted him, he said he did not think it was cheating. We have a great marriage and sex life. How do I get past this and begin to trust again?

–Katie, California

The Dishonesty Factor

While many couples define cheating differently, one way of looking at it is through the dishonesty factor. Whether it’s an online relationship or watching pornography when you’re not around, if your partner is dishonest with you about it or only takes part in these activities when you’re not around, you can pretty much bet your partner is cheating on you.

Not cheating in the “I had sex with someone else” sense; we’re talking emotional cheating here, which is often more hurtful than purely physical cheating. If you look at “cheating” through the dishonesty factor, any activity which your partner is dishonest with you about or tries to hide from you can be considered cheating.

Virtual Cheating – How Does It Make You Feel?

If you and your partner have a different take on cheating, for example, if you both feel like cheating is simply having a sexual tryst with someone else, it probably still doesn’t make you feel too great if your partner is chatting online or developing romantic relationships with other people online behind your back.

Just because it might not fall under your definition of cheating, if you’re not comfortable with it, it’s time to speak up!

This goes for anything in your relationship. If you’re not comfortable with something, it’s important that you discuss with your partner the way the virtual relationships and chatting makes you feel so that you can begin to work it out and find boundaries that make you both happy.

Talking To Your Partner

So you’re uncomfortable with your partner developing romantic relationships online, and you may even consider it cheating. It’s time to bring it up to your partner and let them know how you feel. It’s important not to be critical, regardless of how angry and hurt you might be.

Don’t let the argument escalate! Take the time to sit down and really talk to your partner about how it makes you feel and why you consider it cheating or why you don’t. Listen to what your partner has to say about it. If you both give each other the chance to present your sides of the issue, most likely you can work out a solution that makes both of you happy!

You should also take this opportunity to clarify the boundaries of online relationships and online chatting. Talk with your partner about what is okay and what isn’t. Make suggestions and even talk about some hypothetical situations and how they might make you feel if they happened.

You can begin to shape some clearer lines about what is acceptable and what isn’t when it comes to virtual relationships and chatting – only you and your partner can decide what is right for you!