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Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

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Hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner! For some of us, that’s good news – while others of us are likely dreading the upcoming months. Although many people look forward to this time of year, there’s no denying we face countless stresses starting now and lasting through the end of the year – if not beyond. For this reason it’s not unusual to see a spike in instances of adultery during the holidays. Beyond the “basic” role that stress plays in adulterous relationships, I’ve come up with a number of reasons why it can be even more tempting to engage in a dalliance at this time of year.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

  • Sex has no calories – ok, this one’s pretty obvious! There are plenty of activities that involve a lot of stress and a lot of extra eating! Sex is a way to absolve yourself of both … unless it’s with someone other than your partner. In which case, the stress relief is only momentary – and you’ll be left with an affair, which is a lot worse than a few extra pounds.
  • People go into emptiness during holidays, regrets, family they miss, happiness and sadness – as I mentioned, the holidays can be difficult for people. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other so you can face the holiday challenges together.
  • People are more vulnerable – this goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. The good news is, this is a time of year where people are taking time off, spending time with family and friends. So take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of infidelity.
  • People drink more and inhibitions are lower, more prone to sex – ’nuff said. You don’t want to be next years’ sad story.
  • During the holidays there are more parties – this means more people are wearing sexy clothes, dancing together, drinking (as mentioned above) going home together.  This lowers inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret. The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know  your limits.

As a general rule, I tell people not to drink at work-related events, including holiday parties: it’s just too easy to let yourself go, especially when the people around you aren’t setting the greatest examples! If you’re worried things will end badly, you can politely decline to attend certain festivities!

Another tip is – DON’T DANCE! At least not with a co-worker and definitely not someone with whom you may be feeling a bit of heat. Bring your significant other to such events – enjoy their company, dance with them, go home with them and if there IS someone at work that could potentially lure you to cheat, introduce them to your partner as a way of staying honest! I mention the importance of this introduction – and how to handle it – in my book, “Make up, Don’t Breakup.”

  • People are eating more sweets during Christmas, sweets have a biochemical effect on stress. Causes more acting out behavior.  Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself against having a holiday affair!

Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers

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As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use  the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup.  But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

Erotic Fundamentalism

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Erotic fundamentalism doesn’t have anything to do with the fundamentals of eroticism! Think “religious fundamentalism” and we’re getting closer to the term’s meaning.

Are Opposite Sex Friendships Harmful?

There’s a movement across the land of the free encouraging people to restrict their interaction with members of the opposite sex because an innocent, platonic friendship can become emotional infidelity, eventually becoming physical. I even recently wrote an article for AskDanandJennifer.com about the vulnerability of opposite sex friendships becoming emotional affairs prior to getting physical. However, I did not offer advice at the extreme I heard recently. That extreme advice was to just say no to friendships with the opposite sex. That’s just crazy! Although, I must say, it isn’t surprising in a society where six year old little boys can be suspended from school when they “sexually harass” their teachers!

While there is benefit to paying attention to whether or not you are more excited to see a co-worker than you are your spouse, suggesting you might have a crush on the co-worker with the need to wake up to that fact; refusing to make friends with the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship only adds fire to fuel of infidelity. What you resist persists. It is why various charismatic preachers have been caught with their pants down with the wrong woman or man through the years. Putting too much attention on what’s wrong with sex, suggests one protests too much. And if that is true then before too long it will come around to bite one in the butt.

More Comfortable With Violence Than Sexual Expression?

I don’t know if erotic fundamentalists are like other kinds of fundamentalists who are more comfortable with violence than they are with sexual expression. I suspect they are. A prescription for infidelity that includes refusing to make friends with the opposite sex suggests that sexuality is to be considered repugnant. Sex, more than love, is the source of life. You can have babies with or without love. But only sex brings forth life. In my experience, those who find sex repugnant, find violence appealing.

Our television and movie viewing habits reveal America’s obsession with violence and revulsion of sex. I remember when I read that a movie is given an NC-17 rating when the people copulating in it reach orgasm at the same time. If the director edits the film so that their orgasms occur seconds apart, they can have an R rating and increase their audience.

The Ugly Truth?

I thought I was above the preference for violence over sex thing until I saw “The Ugly Truth” for the first time. Having a not-so-secret crush on Gerard Butler, I couldn’t wait to see him in a chick flick where his character didn’t have to die! As I sat through my first viewing of the movie, I found myself laughing at the raunchy humor while dying a little inside. Gerard quickly fell off the pedestal I’d had him on. In one scene in particular, he uses the phrase “flick the bean” repeatedly, referring to a woman pleasuring herself.

I left the movie remembering his performances in “Phantom of the Opera” and “300,” saying, “King Leonidas and the Phantom do not say, ‘flick the bean!’ They’re too classy for that!” Then I added, “Of course, they kill people but they don’t say, ‘flick the bean!'” I was humbled to realize I was just like every other American who was comfortable with violence, uncomfortable with sex.

I went back and saw “The Ugly Truth” a second time. It really is best not to put anyone on a pedestal whether they are a real part of your life or part of that grand public parade out there. It was much better for me the second time around!

We do not need to constrict our expressions of love, affection, and friendship with anyone – opposite or same sex person. Resisting the natural inclination for innocent flirtations with and genuine support of friends will not cure what ails us. Being attracted to someone other than your spouse or significant other simply means you are still in the game. You are still alive and vibrant. And, if you like this language, it means your kundalini is healthy. Take responsibility for how you express love, affection, and friendship but please don’t call it quits. If you do, you’ll not only do violence to your heart and soul; you’ll likely find yourself single again and able to flirt all you want with whomever you want while your broken heart keeps you company.

The Good Wife

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A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?

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We’ve all seen it over and over … politicians (and others who are vocal and visible) preach morality, family and the like, and end up falling victim to an affair. Then, what’s perhaps more surprising to us, is that the spouse (usually the wife) decides to stick it out. To forgive and forget and work through whatever issues have arisen. This decision baffles a lot of us, and it’s one that Governor Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, recently tried to explain in a recent interview. She’s the gracious, forgiving woman being called a “role model,”by the Washington Post, and a “media genius” by Newsweek.

Infidelity Is An Addiction

In June, when Gov. Sanford admitted that he had not been traveling along the Appalachian Trail, but in fact, traipsing around Argentina with the mistress he had met eight years ago, Jenny was cool and composed. She and her sons then moved out of the governor’s mansion, but the former investment banker turned stay-at-home mother of four has decided to give her husband another chance, for a reason I completely agree with: Infidelity is an addiction and – just like when someone’s addicted to drugs or alcohol – it becomes nearly impossible to break away.

For this reason, I deem adultery the “forgivable sin” and, in my book Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery, delve into reasons why people need to conquer this biochemical craving for connection and have an affair with their own partner!

As Jenny aptly put it, “Everybody would like an escape sometimes. I’d like somebody 5,000 miles away I could E-mail. It’s not exclusive to men, but I know that isn’t realistic.”

Affairs Are Self-Medicating

Engaging in an affair can provide the desire for an illicit self-medicating, thrill-seeking “high” that many people seek. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An affair fulfills the biochemical craving for connection, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself. In order to re-instate that connection with our partner I suggest taking some time apart and doing what I call a “brush with death,” which Jenny has already done.

More instructions can be found in my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup, but when you do this “break up to make up” correctly, you’re operating from the position that you don’t know what you have till you lose it. This is a technique that jolts most people into getting their feelings back and falling back in love with their partner.

Forgiveness Is Divine

Or, in the words of Jenny Sanford:

“All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else, and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into being a good mother and wife. Now I think it’s up to my husband to do the soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his court.”