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You are here: Home / Archives for cheating

Think Cheaters Are Always the Bad Guys? You May Be Wrong…

By melody

It’s all over the media, Maury Pauvich,  Joey Bosco’s “Cheater” series,  the front page of the New York Times with the story of Elliot Spitzer, and of course, Bill Clinton.  Now, in our culture, there is nothing worse than a cheater, is there?

We hate them for being unfaithful to their wives, husbands, girlfriends, or boyfriends, for breaking their contract to be faithful.  We love country and western songs of retaliation for cheaters. (e.g. Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”) In Texas, not so long ago, it was legal to shoot your wife if you found her having sex with someone else.

Cheaters are considered the worst kind of bad guy. Our hearts go out to the poor victims of a cheater’s actions.  It makes for great drama involving our anger, rage and sense of self-righteousness.

Why cheating is so disturbing

The whole concept of “cheating” is something I find intriguing.  If you have a relationship with someone, don’t you want them to want to only be with you?  Of course you do!

That’s why it breaks our hearts when they chose to do otherwise.  But if they want to be with someone else, well, we don’t really have the relationship we thought we did do we? That, to me is the place for the pain.

Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not complete.  I think this is what “Dr. Laura” was trying to say about Elliott Spitzer’s wife, not that she was responsible for his cheating, but that, hey, something had to be amiss in the relationship for this to be taking place.

When someone “cheats” they are seen as the “bad guy” and the poor hapless “victim” is the object of our compassion, while the “cheater”, well, he’s just “bad”.

We have these marriage contracts and unwritten contracts with our partners that we will be “faithful” to them and our rage is incited when they “break the contract”.  We don’t stop and wonder, “Oh, what is going on here that my partner wants to be with someone else?”  No, we think, “That jerk!” (or whatever expletive we choose)

Has someone been wronged?

Our focus is on someone having been “wronged”, “done dirty” and leaving the “victim” to be perceived of as the “helpless victim” of this “bad person” who cheated on them.

When someone is having sex with someone other than his or her partner. Well then, they don’t really consider that person their partner do they?  What has happened is that the partnership is null and void at that point.  So in reality, there can be no “cheating” when there was no partnership in place anyway.

When I realized my husband was having sex with someone else my heart was broken.  But I did not and do not think of him as a “cheater.”  Our relationship was in shambles at that point and he was acting out on the pain he was in by finding someone else.  My heart was broken because the reality of his choosing to have sex with someone else meant that he no longer considered me his partner.  It meant he had given up on us. This is what broke my heart.

What the marriage contract really about

Our contract as a couple is not to ‘be faithful no matter what” or even to remain together no matter what.  Our contract as a couple is to work on being a couple, together.  When that stops happening, then the relationship is in trouble.  The contract is being re-negotiated constantly.

When we settle for a less than intimate connection with our partner we are agreeing to the reality that we are not really in true partnership, and that the possibility exists that our partner may choose to move into an intimate relationship with someone else.

Partnerships, off all sorts, require constant re-negotiation and re-commitment.  When there is a break in the intimate connection of a partnership we are responsible for working toward re-connecting.  If we spend weeks, months, years out of connection with our partner and then find that they have had sex with someone else we have no right to blame them.

I am not saying that having sex outside of a committed relationship is honorable or even “excusable.”  What I am saying is that there is not a “bad guy” and that both parties bear some of the responsibility for what is occurring in the relationship; even the cheating.

Different relationships, different reactions

Christine and Lew had been married for 8 years; they had a lovely 6-year-old daughter and lived in a nice home in Plano.  Lew came to therapy because he had been discovered having had an affair with someone he had met on a business trip.  By the time it had been discovered, Lew had already broken off the relationship with the woman because he had, on his own, realized he didn’t want her, he wanted his wife.

But he knew there were things wrong in the relationship that needed to change and that his having the affair was a symptom of the problems.  Christine came to therapy a few times, but she was so hurt and angry she could not address the problems between them.  She considered that Lew had broken their marital vows and that she had no responsibility in what occurred.

She refused to look at the marriage, insisting that the problem was all with Lew.  She saw herself as a hapless victim of this cheater and that was all there was to the story.  I don’t know what happened to them because with Christine unwilling to continue in therapy, Lew stopped attending.

Contrast this to Jayme and Ryan who have now reconciled after a year of exploring what went wrong with their idyllic marriage.  They both came to recognize that things they did contributed to the environment of disconnection that led up to Jayme going outside of their relationship for intimacy she felt was lacking in her marriage.  She still loved her husband, and didn’t want a divorce, but was feeling a desperately needy.

Her having chosen to remain home with their new child over Ryan’s protests had resulted in Ryan being angry and critical of Jayme.  With all the chemicals of having just had a child going through her system, combined with an immature reaction to his rejection of her led to her reaching out to another man for comfort.  Ryan, hurt and angry, divorced her quickly after discovering the “betrayal”.

But through months of therapy, he was able to resolve his anger by recognizing that he had responsibility in what happened, too.  Jayme, struggles with her shame about what happened, but realizes, too, that she was in a terrible place and made bad choices.  Both have begun to forgive each other, and themselves, for  the behavior that led to the affair.

“Cheating” is only a symptom of a relationship with problems.  Even if the “cheating” is a result of a sexual addiction; the addiction is the problem, not really the cheating.  Addictions are caused by a need, a wound; pain that needs to be resolved by the person and an addicted person cannot express or experience true intimacy.

The partner of someone with a sexual addiction has accepted a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

If you are concerned your partner is “’cheating” then you have to acknowledge you would not be having that fear if the relationship were right.  Stop ruminating about the cheating and start working on the relationship.

Filed Under: Infidelity, Cheating, & Affairs Tagged With: affairs, breaking up, cheating, divorce, how to have sex, marriage

Can I Trust Her Or Is She Playing Me For A Fool?

By loveandsex

Relationships are all about trust.  It is what builds the foundation for a healthy partnership.  It is essential that you trust your partner and that your partner trust you.

However, early on in relationships, it is normal to have questions and suspicions while you are still building that foundation of trust.

The question for you is what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let your suspicions run your life and ruin your relationship?  Or are you going to face them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been going out with this girl for 2 months now and I really like her a lot.  She also has a 7 year old daughter.  I just don’t know if she really likes me or if maybe she likes 2 guys at once.

We live an hour away from each other so we don’t see much of each other.  I asked her if she maybe likes another guy or just doesn’t want her heart broken. She told me no, she doesn’t like another guy. Why would I say that? She just doesn’t want her heart broken. She has told me she wanted to take it slow and that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do but, I just want to know if she really likes me or is just playing me.

How could I find this out?

– John, Illinois

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGH7cNj2lco[/youtube]

Confronting Your Partner

Whether you live far away from each other or are just in a new relationship, you’re going to have a few things that come up while you’re still getting to know each other.  Do you think she likes someone else?  Does she think you’re not committed?  No matter what the question is, it is important to confront your partner and discuss the matter at hand like two adults.

When confronting your partner, don’t do it in a hateful or spiteful manner.  That will only serve to put them off before they even hear what you have to say.  Bring it up without being accusatory.  Remember, you’re not pointing fingers!  You simply want to hear their side of the situation. That said; when you’ve spoken your peace, listen to your partner.  Actually listen.

Trust Your Partner

If your partner tells you that you’re her one and only but she just doesn’t want to move too fast, you should take what she says and leave it at that.  Unless you don’t trust her, you have no reason to believe otherwise unless she’s given you a reason.

This is where trust comes in and learning to trust your partner like this is part of building a strong relationship foundation.  If you tell you’re partner that you’re committed and she doesn’t believe you, how would that make you feel?  What if she continued to ask the same question over and over, no matter what you told her?

You’d feel a little bit like a broken record, and that she didn’t trust what you said enough to believe it.  This is a bad way to build a relationship.  Trust what they say until they prove that you can’t.

Remember, people are innocent until they are proven guilty.

That doesn’t mean that you should go looking for things to prove your partner likes someone else or isn’t all that into you.  Snooping around shows that you don’t trust your partner as much as grilling them continuously about the same thing no matter what they say.

If you find yourself looking for reasons that you’re right, despite what your partner is telling you, you may be unconsciously sabotaging your relationship.  In that case, seek counseling.  You shouldn’t be digging around trying to find a way to pin something on your partner when she clearly says that it’s not true.

That said, the same goes for you.  Your partner should trust you enough that if you say something isn’t happening, it’s not!  Take it at face value and move on.  Move on with your lives together and don’t address the same situation unless something new comes up that leads you to believe otherwise.  If you build your relationship on trust and acceptance, you’ll have a long, steady road together.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: affairs, cheating, dating, long distance relationships

How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship

By loveandsex

Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’  How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

– Ulrika, South Africa

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XkGF2yZygM[/youtube]

Recognition

Recognizing that this is happening is the first step to emotional recovery.  It takes a lot of courage to face something head on, especially if it’s an emotional issue you’ve been trying to keep buried.

Recognizing that past relationships are affecting your current one is a milestone, and if you’ve even come that far, you should take a breath and congratulate yourself.

Know Your Triggers

Is there something that triggers you to revert back to your old relationships, at least in your unconscious mind?  You may not know them right away, so it’s important to work towards discovering them.

You can write down what happens when you start to push your partner away, or if you become withdrawn or even angry.  This is much easier to do once you’ve really recognized what your behavior is.

The ”why” will come later!  After some time of writing down or keeping track of what happens when your behavior comes into play, you will begin to notice a pattern.

Knowing Your Patterns

With consistency, you’ll begin to learn more about yourself and your behavior patterns.  You’ll know what triggers you, and the sequence of events that happen afterward.  Do you get angry?  Do you become withdrawn?  Do you suspect your current partner to be cheating on you, just because your old partners did?

After some time of really being open and honest with yourself about your behavior patterns, you will be able to understand more of what is going on and then you can begin to delve into the deeper aspects of why this may be happening.

Seek Counseling

Counseling is a wonderful option for people who are carrying around emotional baggage.  An unbiased therapist can help you to work through your emotional issues and let them go.  Be it a traditional counselor, a new age healer or a hypnotherapist, they can use their knowledge and expertise about the human psyche to help you gain back control over your life and your relationships.

Remember, your therapist is not there to solve your problems for you.  They are going to give you the tools you need to work through the problems on your own, and the right therapist will be with you every step of the way.

During this process, you should be open and honest with your partner.  Now is not the time to hide things from them, because you’ll need their support more than ever.  Any partner worth their salt will be understanding and willing to help you, because you’re willing to help yourself.

If you find that you need to be alone to truly come to grips with yourself and get rid of your emotional hangover, be honest about that too.  Chances are you’ll be respected and given your space.  Give yourself time and lots of love, and you can start on the path to healing and emotional recovery!

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: affairs, cheating, dating, marriage counseling

Cheating and Infidelity – 5 Tips For Healing The Hurt

By lisa

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake – it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively

Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time

A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other.

In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Filed Under: Infidelity, Cheating, & Affairs Tagged With: affairs, breaking up, cheating, divorce, lying

What To Do When You Catch Your Cheating Man With Another Woman…

By victoryarogers

You’ve just started dating this incredible guy, one you are sure will be the father of your children, even though you’ve only gone out 3 or 4 times, and suddenly you bump into him in public while he’s with ANOTHER WOMAN.

What do you do? Do you tell him off, run the other direction or say hello?

Stay calm! 

Just breathe. Relax and play it cool. If you make eye contact or if he literally is face-to-face with you, just say “hi” and something casual then move on (even if you are shaking and totally dying inside).

The other woman does not need to know you are also dating him. You are better than that and don’t need to stoop to competing with her. Believe me it is just as uncomfortable for him that you’ve run into each other at this awkward moment. If he cares about you romantically, and you’ve played it cool, he will call you soon and make up some excuse.

It’s all about "the talk"

Here’s the deal ladies, unless or until you have had “the talk” with each other about being exclusive, you are both free to date other people. And most likely, he IS dating someone else other than you. Not every man dates more than one woman at a time, but many do. That doesn’t make him a cheater when a relationship is new.

But I will say that this is another reason why it is a really wise to hold back on the passion especially when love is new. I’ve had clients say “but if he’s dating someone else and I won’t sleep with him then he will go elsewhere for sex and fall for her.” He may also go elsewhere, but it doesn’t mean he will fall for her. That’s not how a man falls in love.

Even if he does begin sleeping with another woman in the early stages of your relationship, it doesn’t mean he LIKES her any more than you. In fact he may be totally into you and just using her.

If you play it cool and take it slow, you will be the one he chooses to give up all others for!

Victorya Rogers is the author of The Automatic 2nd Date. To learn more about Victorya Rogers, visit ManToKeep.com.

Filed Under: Infidelity, Cheating, & Affairs Tagged With: affairs, cheating, dating

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