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When A Woman Tries To Control, Rescue, Or Fix Her Man

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Every once in awhile I get to experience what it’s like for a man when a woman tries to control, rescue, or fix him. Every time it happens, I get a hint of how humiliating it is for men to have women mother them in this way.

Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will 

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

Have A Snowed In Affair With Your Own Partner

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Many of us – myself included! – have been snowed in the past couple days, thanks to extreme weather hitting many parts of the US. While not being able to get to your scheduled appointments – like work, school, meetings, etc – can be stressful, why not put the time to good use and use the mandatory down-time to rekindle a spark with your significant other?! Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean you can’t heat it up indoors! Here are a few of the things I recommend to have a snowed-in affair, take advantage of the blizzard and get back to basics!

Hot Ideas For When It’s Cold Outside

  • Mix up a hot drink and then cozy up with each other. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot toddy, getting warm together doesn’t HAVE to involve sex! Start out with something simple like a drink to warm you up and snuggle up together by reading a book, playing a game, or beginning a project you’ve been putting off.
  • Let it lead to sex. Studies show that during big storms people usually make love, make babies or fight. Starting by reconnecting with something simple (a book, a game, etc.), as I mentioned above, can lead to a more intimate conclusion. Take advantage of the fact that you don’t have anywhere to be! If you’re like most of us, this will likely be one of the few times when Mother Nature forces you to slow down and simplify! Make the most of your time indoors, since there’s nowhere else you could be, even if you wanted to. Instead of letting your obligations stress you out, let go of your responsibilities by having an affair with your own partner. I mention this technique in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, where I give couples tools for rekindling romance.
  • Get outside. That’s right – it’s cold and snowy and you don’t have to go anywhere so why not relive the excitement that snowdays gave you as a kid?! These types of opportunities often bring out our inner child, so go with it, get playful and see where it leads. You may learn something new about your partner, discover something new you can do together (who doesn’t love making snowmen?), and if nothing else, have a good time goofing around together.
  • Recreate the chemicals you experienced when you first fell in love. Take this opportunity to give a 30 second kiss and/or 20 second hug so you can fall back in love with your partner for Valentines Day during this snow-in.

I talk more about ways to fall in love and stay in love – no matter what the weather – in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up!

Q&A: Personal Question For Dan And Jennifer

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 People who have gotten to know us through our website, through YouTube and through Facebook often wonder what we’re all about. Why do we do what we do? Do we have kids? Do we talk to them about sex? Here are some answers to your most personal questions.

Question: I have a question that’s been burning on my mind ever since I started following you on YT. You guys have kids, right and you guys are American, I take it. So, how do you reconcile what you do on YT (and as a job, I think?) and the kids? Do they know, do they mind or… well, what’s the deal? Anyway, great job, I love your channel. Cheers!

–YouTube Question

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZysGX7PcwI&feature=channel[/youtube]

Our Mission

One of the reasons that we do what we do is because we really believe in it! Our mission on Ask Dan & Jennifer is to educate people about love, sex and relationships in a totally non-judgemental way. We believe people should have a resource for love and sex, without the judgement that often comes with the territory. We want them to have a safe environment where they can ask questions about sex and get an informative answer without criticism – no matter what. We want to address the topics that everyone else is afraid to talk about, like teen sex and contraception or how to have safe and clean anal sex, because there just isn’t enough good information out there about many of the topics that people want to know about. We want people to be able to make informed decisions about love, relationships and sex instead of making decisions blindly and having to deal with the consequences – not because they were afraid to ask, but because someone was afraid to answer them.

Answering Your Most Asked Questions

Do You Have Kids?

Many people want to know – do we have kids? How do we justify what we do with our children? Yes, we do have kids – two girls, ages 8 and 10. We feel like what we do on YouTube and on Ask Dan & Jennifer is important and we really, really believe in it. Our children get the privilege of growing up with parents who are happy together, love their work, and who are trying to change the world. I can’t think of a better example for our kids.

How Much Do Your Kids Know?

So how much do our kids know? Do we talk about the topics we discuss on YouTube with our kids? Yes, in a way. In a very age appropriate way. They know that we talk about love and sex, that we help people with relationship troubles, and that they will get to read all of it when they get older.

Do You Discuss What You Talk About On YouTube With Your Kids?

We don’t discuss the specific topics, but we freely answer any questions they may have in an age appropriate way. They currently have a basic understanding of what sex is, that it’s something that grown ups share when they are in a loving relationship, they know what a condom is and where it goes, and that we will answer any questions they may have in the future without judgement. We not only believe in educating and informing the world about sex and relationships in a responsible way, we also believe in educating our children about sex and relationships responsibly.

Q&A: Will It Be Me Or Her Ex?

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Choosing between two good things is not the easiest thing to do, whether you’re deciding on what dessert to get or which guy you want to be with. However, if you’re one of the good things that a girl is choosing between, it can make for a pretty uncomfortable situation. Is she going to choose you or someone else? What should you do?

Question: I courted a girl 4 months ago and want her to be my girlfriend, but she still loves her ex-boyfriend. but she just told me that she has feelings for me. What should I do?

–Facebook Question

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXgv0hY66pU&feature=channel[/youtube]

The Decision Is Up To Her

Like it or not, she is the one who will have to make the decision in this situation. Does she want to work things out with her ex-boyfriend (and this depends on the reason he’s her ex and not her current beau) or does she want to try having a brand new relationship with you? Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do to influence her decision except being supportive of her. Encourage her to sit down and really think about what she wants. This may be uncomfortable for you to do, but if you don’t support her thinking through this decision and she chooses you, you’ll forever wonder if she’s wishing she would have chosen him. She has to be sure.

Don’t Let Her Play Both Sides

A choice between two men she has feelings for is difficult, and many women in this situation have simply neglected to make a final decision. They end up riding the fence and being wishy washy – a way of getting their cake and eating it too. While you need to support her making a decision, allowing her to play both sides is only going to cause everyone involved pain and emotional damage. She needs to make a concrete decision and stick with it once she’s decided. If she chooses you, she needs to discontinue having contact with her ex-boyfriend. If she chooses him, do the right thing. Don’t call, don’t text and let her go.

Don’t Put Her On A Pedestal

When a guy finds a girl he really likes, it’s tempting to put her on a pedestal. It’s tempting to believe that she’s special, she’s different and she’s THE ONE. Even if she chooses another man over him, he’ll still try to contact her and be in her life in some form or another hoping against hope that she’ll eventually see they were meant to be together. This is only going to prevent you from finding someone who does want to be with you and try having a great relationship! If she chooses her ex-boyfriend, realize that she’s not the only fish in the sea. Sure, it’s going to sting. Allow yourself to feel disappointed, sad and even angry. These feelings are all normal. But at the end of the day, she’s not perfect – she’s human. There are lots of other great catches out there, ones that you may very well develop fulfilling and satisfying relationships with and who do choose to be with you.

Q&A: What You Should Know Before Getting Married

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Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success?

Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

 [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD8hNfX0bpQ[/youtube]

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.