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Are You Dom or Sub? Sexual Compatibility in the Bedroom

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“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

Take a moment and think about your current relationship. If it’s good, it’s probably because you two match up well – one of you is predominately dom, and the other is predominately sub. If your relationship is tense or otherwise not ideal, it could be that you inadvertently ended up with a person who is the same type as you.

Two doms together are no good. Two subs together are also not good. If you’re matched up with the wrong partner, your sex life will be out of sync. Neither of you will be able to fulfill the other person if you both want to be tied up.

What to do? If you’re already paired up, explore the possibility of one of you switching roles and see how that feels. Some people find pleasure in both the dom and sub roles, depending on their mood.

If you are currently looking for a partner, keep this concept in mind while searching. Look for clues in other people that will indicate if you would be a good match or not. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache.

Look at Others

Now take a moment to think about other relationships you know. How about your parents – is one of them the dominant type? Are they still together?

Think about the unhappy couples you know. What’s the source of their friction and frustration? What about the happy couples you know? Chances are, they are a good match because one is dom and one is sub.

I have a good rule of thumb for figuring out who wears the pants in a relationship – it’s the person who does most of the driving and whose voice is used as the message for the home answering machine.

But it’s not always so cut and dried. I thought long enough about one content couple I knew and figured out that the woman is a dom type who plays the submissive role.

Meanwhile, her husband is the sub type who is playing the dom role, and for some reason, this works for them. If one of them didn’t assume this role, then the whole thing would be off balance and they would run into problems.

Why do I think I’m such an authority on this? Well, I’m a self-proclaimed slut – I’ve had lots of sexual partners, LOTS of hands on research, and all that experience has given me insight on sexual compatibility in a way that someone who has only had sex with a handful of people can’t know.

I only wish I had this figured out ten years ago.

BDSM 101 – Moving Beyond Plain Vanilla Sex

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A male friend of mine told me about something embarrassing that happened to him. He was in the throes of passionate sex with his girlfriend when, in a gesture of instinct, he put his hand over her face.

Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, “What are you doing?”

Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.

She felt the opposite – she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it – that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.

What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?

I still haven’t found a good term for non-vanilla sex – chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.

Don’t get me wrong – vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to “11,” like Nigel in Spinal Tap.

Taking it to “11”

First off, make sure you’ve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?

How about places – have you branched out from bedroom? I’m partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now we’re crossing the line.

Consult the Checklist

Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. You’ll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.

Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!

Test Your Comfort Zone

As for me, I knew I liked rough sex, but I sure didn’t know I got turned on by a gentle face slap. My guy tried that one on me one time and I had a similar reaction to the woman with the hand on her face – I was shocked, but paused to process it. Did I like it? At first I didn’t, then found myself fantasizing about it later. As you can see, you can surprise yourself.

Be “Try-Sexual”

It pays to try new things, even if you think you might not like them. If you find you’re not crazy about it, don’t do it again. As long as you keep open communication going, pushing your boundaries shouldn’t “ruin” things. It’s all a learning process.

You can also experiment with swatting the bottom during sex, or pinning your partner’s hands above his or her head while you’re making love. Take a candle and drip hot wax on your partner – it’s easy to monitor this one – the higher up you hold it above someone when it drips, the less it hurts.

Someone once told me that they loved sex because it reminded them of what it was like to be a kid. “EXCUSE ME?” I said, eyebrows raised. “And just what kind of childhood did you have?” He laughed and explained, “With sex you get to be really messy and play make believe and just have fun!”

What a great attitude. Give your hang-ups a rest and explore with an open mind. Work the kinks OUT. Oh and by the way – my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this article? He ended up breaking it off with his girlfriend. It turns out they weren’t sexually compatible, and now they are both with better matched partners. In my next article, I’ll talk more about sexual compatibility when it comes to kink.

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

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Those are two words that you don’t normally see in the same sentence: shy and dominatrix.

Is it possible to be both? Here’s a question from Melissa who is a little confused. She always considered herself to be submissive, but lately, she keeps meeting others who want her to dominate them.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a submissive and  lately I’ve been meeting people that want me to dominate them. When I try I get shy and can’t do it.

So how do I NOT be shy when they asked me to do this?

–Melissa, Washington

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZpYYy8rar0[/youtube]

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Of course it’s possible. Anything is possible…

If you consider yourself to be submissive and yet you find others wanting you to dominate them, I can see where this could get a little confusing.

The big question I have for you is ‘Why are you attracting these people?“.

If you are truly submissive, why do these people keep wanting you to dominate them. It’s normally quite obvious where a person lines up – a little to the top or to the bottom.

Are you sending mixed signals? Maybe you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

The really big thing you have to ask you self is “Are you sure about what you want?”

Sometimes we end up in a role, whether in life or sex, and find ourselves wondering how we got there. Maybe it’s time for a change and maybe not, but it’s worthwhile taking some time to get really clear about what you truly enjoy. Try on various roles and see what fits you best.

Start Slowly

If you do want to try the dominant role, then just start slowly rather than trying to put on the whole show all at once.

Just try little things and work your way up. That will give you time to decide if that is the role that you want or not. You don’t have to get dressed up in leather and spike heeled boots, tie him up, and punish him on the first try.

Start small and work your way up. Find and test your limits gradually. This works anytime you want to overcome shyness with with any area in your life. Take the first little step in that direction. The important thing is to take that first step.

Is Having Cyber Sex Before Physical Sex a Good Idea?

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These days it’s nearly impossible to begin a relationship without using some form of cyber communication during those critical “getting to know you” weeks.

From meeting online via a dating website to having a casual chat over instant messenger, the likelihood that you’ll have at least one online conversation with your potential lover is extremely high.

One of the main differences between online and face-to-face conversations is the amount of social inhibitions experienced by the chatters.

Because online communications encourage an atmosphere of anonymity, it’s easier for most people to open up about themselves. The lack of physical/visual social repercussions online, such as a frown of disapproval, makes online chatters less vulnerable to emotional hurts, and therefore much more willing to take chances by saying things that might otherwise be considered “inappropriate” in person.

Under such relaxed social constraints, it’s easy to imagine how a casual late night chat can quickly turn into an arousing exploration of each other’s sexual fantasies. But is engaging in this type of risqué talk with someone you’ve recently met and may eventually sleep with a good idea? Might it ruin those first “magical” moments if and when you do decide to have physical sex together?

The Pros and Cons of Having “Cyber Sex” Before Really “Doing It”

Pro – It’ll Give You Both a Chance to Explore Your Sexual Compatibility Safely.

Rather than risking a potentially awkward first time with a new partner, having cyber sex beforehand can provide both parties with an opportunity to verbally explore each other’s likes and dislikes in a fun and consequence-free environment.

Maybe she is much more sexually aggressive than he is, or maybe he has certain kinks that she is strongly against. Whatever differences and similarities are discovered, it’s much better to test out certain ideas online than it is in person. Wouldn’t you like to know your new crush actually enjoys being tied up before you whip out your studded leather cuffs?

Con – What Happens in Cyber-Land, Stays in Cyber-Land

It’s true, the uninhibited social freedom of cyber sex can go straight to some people’s heads like the bubbles in any great bottle of champagne. Because of this, the difference between someone’s online sexual persona and their real life sexual behavior can be shockingly different…

Although you and Mr. New Love did every position in the book during your torrid affairs in Cyber-Land, the reality might be that you’re a very shy and cautious lover. Once Mr. New Love really gets you between the sheets, the difference between Cyber-Land you and Real you might be very confusing to him. So confusing it might seem like a betrayal since you portrayed yourself to be one way when in fact you’re another. Sounds very much like lying, doesn’t it? And that’s never a good start to any relationship.

Pro –  Fantasies Can be Very Revealing

Not only can exploring each other’s sexual fantasies be a wonderful way to test out your sexual compatibility, but it can also lead to a whole slew of other insightful topics of conversation. Bringing up different sexual likes and dislikes can reveal where someone stands on a variety of socially political issues such as homosexuality, marriage, religion, feminism, etc. For example, when you are having cyber sex try shifting the fantasy toward something “taboo” and see how your partner reacts. It’s very easy to then bring up that topic later on for further clarification and discussion. There’s nothing like trying out a Nun/Priest role playing fantasy to bring out someone’s religious and political convictions!

Con – Your Writing Skills Don’t Match Your Sexual Skills

This problem can go one of two ways. Either you’re a fantastic writer who‘s bad in bed, or you’re a fantastic lover who can‘t write. In the first case, your partner may be disappointed the first time you “really” have sex since cyber (written) sex with you was mind-blowing due to your uncanny way with words. In the second case, your lack of verbal finesse might ruin your chances of ever getting your partner into your bed at all. If for some reason you believe your writing skills do not match your real sexual prowess, then it’s probably best to avoid cyber sex with your crush until after you’ve had physical sex with them at least once. That way no one will be unfortunately disappointed or unreasonably dissuaded from having sex with you.

Otherwise, Enjoy It!

Like most things, the decision to have cyber sex before physical sex with someone new is a gamble. The opportunity to explore each other sexually without having to worry about physical consequences, appearances, and social inhibitions is understandably tempting. My only words of caution are to remember that your cyber persona and actions will influence how your potential lover perceives you, as well as their expectations for your “real” first time together. However, if you’re a little mindful of these things and don’t go crazier in Cyber-Land than you would in your bedroom, then cyber sex can certainly add a lot of playful flirtations to those first few weeks of heart-racing acquaintanceship.

5 Wicked Ways to Get Kinky in the Kitchen

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It’s no surprise to learn one of the sexiest places in a house is the kitchen; the delicious smells, the beautiful colors, the way everything simmers together, tempting our senses into complete and utter abandon…

Unfortunately most of us never get the opportunity to fully explore all of the hidden erotic treasures patiently awaiting us in our kitchen drawers because we’re too busy reheating yesterday’s pizza to actually spend three savory hours indulging in our sensual creativity.

So here’s my suggestion – make a little cooking date with your lover on a Saturday, or a Sunday, or whenever. Treat it just as you would any other date, give the children to their grandparents, get a babysitter, etc. Make sure the two of you have plenty of time to relax and to really “get into” whatever happens to come up.

Go through your cupboards, your refrigerator, and your pantry with kinky eyes.

Ask yourself questions like “how would that feel running up my spine?” or “how else could this fork be used?”

Before you know it everything will seem wonderfully tempting, and you’ll be well on your way to making steamy memories that will no doubt have you blushing the next time you stick that boring old pizza into the oven.

If, however, you still need a bit of inspiration to get your naughty juices flowing, keep reading.

Five Very Wicked Ways To Turn Your Ordinary Kitchen Accoutrements Into Brazenly Devilish Sex Toys

1. The Spanking Wooden Spoon – Near and dear to my own playful heart, I get a fluttery feeling every time I use one of these classic, extra-large wooden stirring spoons. For the edgy players among you, using a spoon for spanking purposes is not a very shocking idea.

After all, whenever a paddle’s not handy, a wooden spoon will always do the trick! It’s sturdy, fairly wide, and gives that yummy mix of sting and thud. Oh come on, be daring and give your partner a soft teasing whack – their reaction might surprise you!

2. Chip Clip Nipple Clamps – Warning, not for the faint of heart. I’m a little hesitant to make this suggestion because it has to be the right kind of chip clip – you should only use ones that are flat on the inside, NOT the kind with little teeth or jagged edges meant to hold the bag closed tighter! Although impromptu nipple (or other body part) clamps are a fun idea, remember how easily this skin can be damaged and use your common sense. Smaller clips have less power so are better suited for this pain/pleasure toy. And don’t forget to sooth those fire-hot nipples afterward with a little melting ice from the freezer…

3. Really Hot Chocolate – Find a great recipe for homemade hot fudge and make it together. The aroma of melting chocolate alone should get your mind wandering into happy land. Once it’s finished and cooled enough that you can touch it without burning yourself, begin to finger-feed it to your lover. Remember, the point is to be sensual and indulgent. Do it slowly, deliberately.

Watch as your lover takes your finger into their mouth, let yourself feel the roughness of their tongue, pay attention! Don’t be afraid to get sticky and very messy. You know this activity has gone well when all of his, um, “fingers” and all of her “lips” have been completely covered in chocolate – preferably over and over again!

4. Rolling Pin Massage – Grant it, this suggestion is more fun and light-hearted than the others, but we all need a little relaxing warm-up don’t we? I know it’s a funny image, but using a rolling pin to massage the sides of your back, butt, thighs and calves actually feels great! The big handles make it really easy to use and you can get wonderfully long strokes out of it.

Feel free to laugh along the way, but eventually your partner will appreciate the real massage he or she is getting – even if it is from a rolling pin!

5. Guessing Game – Cover your lover’s eyes with a blindfold, or if you think they won’t cheat just tell them to close their eyes. Pick about twenty-five different cooking utensils (tongs, forks, basters, etc.) and use them of various parts of your lover’s (naked) body. Pinch them with the tongs, blow air in their face with the baster – you get the gist. Have your lover try to guess what you are using on them.

For every correct guess, offer them a sexual favor of their choice, and for every wrong guess they have to do something for you. Clearly this simple game can go in many different directions, so you can take it as far as you’d both like.

Of course, these ideas are just the beginning. Your kitchen’s sexuality completely depends on your own unique imagination and preferences, so please don’t ever feel limited to what you’ve heard or what other people have done!

Give yourself and your lover the freedom to be silly, kinky, weird. Something memorable is bound to come out of all that loving energy!