Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for sex education

A Delicate STD Matter

By

We’ve all been there: we get lulled into a false sense of comfort for one reason or another, and as a result we end up trusting the wrong person. It can be a harsh lesson, especially in the case of one of my students, who emailed me with her ethical dilemma. All names in the following story have been changed.

Dear Maryanne,

I feel so stupid that I’m even in this situation, but I need some advice for an ethical question that has come up. A friend of mine set me up with a man named Alan, whom I already knew to be a great philanthropist in our community. She recommended him as a potentially great match for me, and so we started going out. Things progressed quickly, which I felt comfortable with because my friend liked him so much, and he did in fact seem to be good and upstanding. Within a short time, we decided to spend a night together.

When the subject of condoms came into the conversation, Alan insisted that he had been tested for STD’s and was clean. Who in their right mind would accept that as an excuse not to be safe? Me, apparently, even after warning my goddaughter about safe sex and sending her to college with your book and a supply of condoms. I wasn’t even smart enough to follow my own advice.

Unfortunately, within a few days of sleeping with Alan, I became infected with herpes. Alan refuses to talk about it with me, becoming evasive when I asked him to send his test results to my doctor. So now I don’t know whether I should warn my friend not to set Alan up with anyone else, or just put this whole episode behind me and forget about it. I don’t want to cross any ethical lines, but at the same time I don’t want other women to go through what I’m going through now. Help!

Thank you in advance,

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is always difficult to deal with when we discover that the guy we thought was decent and honest is actually the opposite of all those things. It can shatter your trust and cause untold amounts of emotional distress. It’s especially difficult to have such a harsh lesson dealt to you when you have obviously been doing your best to use your CORR® relationship techniques. You have learned the hard way that it’s not enough for someone else to endorse someone – you have to do all the detective work yourself.

But that doesn’t mean snooping or digging around – it’s as simple as communication and observation. Ask the 14 questions outlined in Hindsight, add any of your own, and then wait and see. If you become sexually involved too early, the “wait and see” part can become distorted, as your affection and attachment to this person can cloud your judgement and make you blind to any warning signs that come along. Of course, you probably realize all this now.

There is a silver lining to your cloud, though. You have the opportunity to love yourself and turn this seemingly negative experience into a way to grow and learn. So how will you figure out what to do now, as a child of the Divine? Here are some tips to get the ball rolling:

  • Spend a few days re-centering your ego. Get away from asking for outside validation by covering all your mirrors with construction paper. Look inward instead for answers, remind yourself about all the ways in which you are unique and strong and gifted, and watch how quickly you move back to a center of internal reference.
  • Cleanse yourself with a clearing ceremony. Make a ritual of writing down everything you need to heal, and all the things you want to let go. You can let a few friends in on it, make a beautiful and sacred place to hold your ceremony, and surround yourself with beauty and wisdom.
  • Take a break from sex. Six or nine months of dating without sex may seem like forever, but you’re worth the wait, and a period of abstinence can help you keep your thinking clear. Use the opportunity to look at why you trusted Alan so soon, and next time when you date, let the trust build naturally over time. You will see how you behave on dates, as well as what sort of men you are attracting.

I think you’ll find, that if you’re patient and gentle with yourself, that as you go through this process your answers will surface. You will soon see what is the most appropriate way forward for you. Please do contact me if you have any more questions.

Q&A: Should I Talk To My Parents About Sex?

By

Lots of people have questions about sex, especially those in the younger generation. Who is responsible for answering questions about sex? Should a child or teen turn to their friends to learn about sex? Or should they turn to television, movies or music?

I’m 13 and I’ve known about sex since I was 10 years old. Should I ask my parents to tell me about sex, even though I already know?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0cMNIlT0G0&feature=channel[/youtube]

Shirking Responsibility

So should a teen ask his or her parents about sex? Some teens – and parents – would answer that question with a resounding, “No!” In fact, many teens get their sex education from their friends, their friends’ parents, comics, video games, movies and music. But it isn’t the entertainment industry’s job to teach kids and teens about sex. It’s the parent’s job. Much in the same way that a parent should teach a child that the stove is hot, a parent should teach their child about sex. Now that doesn’t mean you have to give your kids tips on the best sex positions, but teaching them about why sex should be approached carefully and safely is a parent’s job. STD’s and pregnancy can hurt a teen as much, if not more, than if a child puts their hand on a hot stove. Besides, who wants their kids learning about sex from the backseat of a car in the video game Grand Theft Auto? Have you seen that video game? It’s time for parents to step up and get past their discomfort and talk to their kids about sex. And it’s time for kids to stop thinking it’s “gross” to have your parent give you sex education because well, they might know a thing or two.

Thinking About It?

If you’re thinking about talking to your parents about sex – or if you’re a parent thinking about talking to your kids about sex – go for it. Ditch the discomfort and learn how to be open and honest. Kids – you may have learned about sex from Johnny’s dad’s funny magazine while his parents weren’t home, but that doesn’t mean you know everything about sex. Ask your parents. You don’t necessarily have to tell them you’ve already heard some things about sex, you definitely need to ask them to share their thoughts and opinions with you, as well as the facts. Parents – if your kids ask about sex, answer their questions! You might be shocked at the ages that some kids are coming up with certain types of questions, but you won’t do any good by refusing to answer their questions. Your kids will still be curious, and they’ll end up getting their information elsewhere. Provide your kids with the truth and they’ll respect you for it.

Safer Sex

The only way teens and even adults are going to start having safer sex is if people get over their fears about sex and start talking about it. Talking about how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy is the only way to stop it from happening  – knowlege is power and in this day in age, no one has to be afraid to talk about sex anymore.

What Is YOUR Plan B? The Truth About Emergency Contraception

By

Contraception talks are often limited to women who don’t use it, encouraging them to explore different forms of contraception such as birth control pills and condoms. What if you’re one of the women who do already use contraception? Most forms of contraceptions are between 85% and 99% effective – in fact, no form of contraceptive is 100% effective. So what is YOUR Plan B if you happen to be in that lucky 15%?

What Is Emergency Contraception?

Emergency contraception, also known as the “morning after pill” is just that – it’s contraception that is used in the event of an emergency. If you miss a few birth control pills, the condom breaks, or your diaphragm spills as you’re taking it out. Emergency contraception isn’t regular birth control, meaning you can’t have sex without protection every time and simply use emergency contraception afterwards to prevent pregnancy. It also won’t protect you against sexually transmitted diseases or infections. But it can help when something goes wrong with your normal contraception methods.

What Is Plan B?

Plan B is the brand name of emergency contraception that is available at your local pharmacy or Planned Parenthood location. You don’t need a prescription for Plan B, but insurance won’t help pay for it either. It works – about 7 out of 8 women that would have become pregnant if they didn’t use Plan B didn’t. Plan B is most effective 72 hours after having unprotected sex or a contraceptive failure, and the longer you wait, the less effective it will be. You certainly don’t have to wait 72 hours either – take it as soon as you can after the event in question to maximize your chances of not becoming pregnant.

How Does Plan B Work?

Plan B works the same as birth control does – in fact, the chemicals are very nearly the same in the two medications, with the exception that Plan B has much stronger doses. Both Plan B and birth control work to stop the release of an egg from the ovary, as well as making the lining of your uterus inhabitable for a fertilized egg should one try to implant itself. Plan B is not an abortion – it won’t work if you’re already pregnant. It simply prevents pregnancy from happening in the first place.

Here are some things you should know about Plan B:

  • When you take Plan B after a contraception failure or unprotected sex, you are preventing pregnancy from that particular occurance. There is no long term pregnancy prevention with Plan B.
  • There are risks associated with Plan B, such as blood clots and stroke, which is higher if you smoke. These risks are similar to those with birth control. Ask your pharmacist or Planned Parenthood representative about these risks.
  • There are few side effects with Plan B, but it is not side effect free. You can experience changes in your menstrual cycle, nausea or dizziness. Ask your pharmacist if you have any questions about side effects with Plan B.

It’s Better To Be Prepared

Birth control doesn’t work all the time. Even the best birth control methods still have a very small window in which you can get pregnant. If you don’t want to have a baby, you should have a backup plan. You can get Plan B before your contraceptive even fails, so you’ll be ready if something happens. Shouldn’t you have a Plan B?

Update: Representatives from Plan B have contacted us with new information about their product. It is no longer called Plan B, but Plan B One Step. Those 17 and older are able to get Plan B One Step without a prescription, but those 17 and under must have a prescription for emergency contraception. Visit www.PlanBOneStep.com for more information.

What Are Crabs And How Do You Get Them? Dangerous Sex Toys?

By

You’ve probably heard of the term “crabs” before, and we don’t mean the kind you get at the local seafood joint. Crabs are a curable, although annoying, sexually transmitted disease that you can get a number of ways – including non-sexual ways, such as sharing underwear with someone if it hasn’t been washed in hot water first.

Virgin girl gets crabs – did she get them from her sister’s vibrator or from somewhere else? What exactly are crabs, how do you get them and what can you do to get rid of them?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiSQDbi2SzI[/youtube]

What Are Crabs?

Crabs are lice – like head lice, only much smaller, that live in the pubic area. Crabs are tiny and hard to spot, and lay eggs on the hair shaft or follicle like head lice do. Crabs are generally spread through sexual contact, although this doesn’t have to include penetration. Any sexual contact, including vaginal sex, anal sex, or any type of pubic area to pubic area contact. People with crabs (also known as pubic lice) don’t always look like they have pubic lice, and it can be hard to spot. If you have multiple sex partners, make sure you check yourself regularly.

Symptoms of crabs include white dots – which are the crabs’ eggs – in your pubic hair (easier to see if your pubic hair is dark) and can often be spotted easily with a magnifying glass. Intense itching is one of the most common symptoms, even before you begin to see eggs. If you suspect that you might have pubic lice, see your doctor. Your doctor can prescribe a simple shampoo that will remove the crabs as well as their eggs.

Avoiding Crabs

There are some ways you can avoid getting crabs, although, if you have multiple sex partners, it can be difficult to spot right away and you might come into contact with them. You can also get crabs from wearing unwashed underwear of someone who has crabs, or sharing sex toys with someone who has crabs. To avoid exposing yourself to crabs, avoid sharing sex toys with anyone, and always wash your sex toys after use (even if you’re the only one who uses them. You might not get crabs from yourself, but it’s just better hygiene and will avoid spreading unwanted bacteria). You can use a special sex toy cleaner, or simple soap and hot water.

Getting Educated

While crabs are an unwanted sexually transmitted disease, they’re curable and certainly not one of the worse. Many other infections and sexually transmitted diseases can be spread by sharing sex toys or having multiple sex partners. Many of these infections can be treated, but some can’t. It’s important to educate yourself about sexually transmitted diseases and infections and learn how they’re transmitted, what the symptoms are and how you can protect yourself. Using condoms greatly reduces your risk of contracting a number of STD’s and infections. You’re worth the time it takes to explore different resources and take charge of your sexual health. Being smart, safe and informed can save you a lot of time, money, heartache and health problems later.

Help! He Doesn’t Want Anything To Do With My Baby!

By

It’s an unfortunate yet age old situation – a girl gets pregnant, knows who the father is, yet he wants nothing to do with her or the baby because he doesn’t believe it’s his. Some men, even if they know they’re the father, will still want nothing to do with the child. What’s a girl to do?

A girl gets pregnant and knows her boyfriend is the father – but he disagrees. Now he wants nothing to do with the baby! What can she do?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esBGSpwvRHA[/youtube]

Is It Him? Is It Someone Else?

If you’ve only had one sex partner in between menstrual cycles, generally, you can pretty much bet that he’s the father. However, if you’ve had more than one partner, you can’t be sure of who the father of your unborn child might be. Of course, if you’ve had multiple sex partners, your partner may be unsure of whether he’s the father or not as well. You might be “sure,” but you can never be 100% sure of who the father is if you’ve had multiple partners without a blood test.

Getting A Paternity Test

If you’re in a situation where you’re pregnant and you’ve had more than one sex partner, it’s important to have a paternity test done. Even if you’re sure of who the father is, a paternity test can still be helpful if your sexual partner is unsure of whether he could be the father or not. This can be done while you’re still pregnant, but can be dangerous for the fetus. A simple blood or saliva test after the baby is born will tell you for certain whether a sexual partner you’ve had is the father of your child or not. This will also help you legally should you pursue child support down the road if the father still wants nothing to do with the baby. Some paternity tests are expensive, and you might be tempted to contact a television show for a paternity test, but don’t do a show unless you’re a million percent certain of who the father is. Being proven wrong on a television show is embarrassing and time consuming – if you’re even a little doubtful, shell out the dough for a private paternity test. You’ll be glad you did.

Your Options

You can legally and physically prove that your sex partner is, in fact, the father of your child, but you can’t make him be a dad. It takes a lot more to be a “Dad” than sharing genetics. If he wants no part of the child’s life, there’s nothing you can do. It can be difficult to wrap your head around, but it is what it is and there isn’t anything you can do to change that. Unless you’re prepared to be a single mother, you need to consider your options. There are many available to you and you should learn about them and understand them. There is abortion and adoption if you don’t wish to have a child, depending on what your beliefs are. Think about what you want to do before you have a paternity test.