single parents

How To Date A Single Parent

You are jogging in the park one sunny morning, when you find yourself keeping time with a beautiful woman. She smiles, you smile, and eventually, when you slow down, you ask her out on a date. “Sure,” she says, “but can I bring my kid along?” Eek! Don’t worry. This is not typical of single parents, although that seems to be a big fear in the minds of kid-less folks. Here’s what it’s like to really date a single parent.

Finding The Time

Regardless of whether or not you like kids, you may find yourself in a situation where you are drawn to single mom. Depending on your depth of emotion for this person, you may decide it is worth the extra time and effort. The first hurdle you’ll encounter is her abundant lack of time. As a single parent (presumably working), she is always on the go. Doing the job of two parents means doing double-duty. In order to go on dates, you need to be prepared to book pretty far in advance. Not only that, but dates may be cancelled at the last minute due to flaky babysitters or sick kids. You will have to be patient and understanding, two things that can be very hard to remember by the third rain check.

One of the most important things to remember in dating a single parent is to let them run the show where their child is concerned. Rushing them along before they’re ready for the next step will not make your relationship progress faster. It’ll make it die harder.

Getting Accustomed To The Child

The child presents a multitude of new issues in himself. For one thing, he may have lingering issues about his father (whether he’s absent or in the child’s life still) and who the heck is this new guy? Another situation is that the child can feel jealous of his mother’s attention (once completely wrapped around his finger) now being somewhat focused on a stranger. This all depends on the child’s personality. He may love or hate you, want to be around you all the time, or want his mother all to himself.

Many single parents are extremely protective and may choose to not introduce you to the child until you are both serious about this relationship. This will help you to determine if both of you are ready to take the next step.

Dating Another Single Parent

When you are a single father, dating another single parent can be great – or it can be the Apocolypse. When you think about how hard it is to date a woman when there is a child involved, think of how much harder it would be with two or more children involved. All of a sudden, he’s worried about her kids liking him while she’s worried about his children. To make it even more complicated, the kids may not like the other kids. It certainly adds a very complex level, yet if you can make it work, it can be turned into a unique, but loving family unit.

Single Mother Raising Boys, Oh, My!

By elainewilliams

My kids were 11, 18 and 19 when their father died. Many days I felt at a loss as to how to help my boys deal with their grief.

How Death Affects The Kids

My oldest son moved away from home, no doubt attempting to establish his independence. Emotionally, I had a very difficult time with this. He was living in a dumpy apartment and associating with people I didn’t know and appeared to have embraced a partying lifestyle.

Even though my 18 year old remained at home, he became distant, leaving me to wonder what was going on inside. I knew intuitively he was as wounded as I felt, but he refused to acknowledge or share anything.

My youngest would cling to me, emotionally and physically. He once asked what would happen if I died also. I reassured him I expected to live a long time, but reassured him that his aunt would take care of him if something did happen to me. What do you say? I admit that for a short while I feared something would happen to me also.

Dealing With Life

Day-to-day living was sometimes excruciating, but there was no getting away from it, life had to be dealt with. The first two and a half years I would never want to relive, but we all came through it, handling each day not always perfectly, but the best we could at the time.

Hopefully we all learned from the mistakes and moved forward. As a parent, you don’t want to see your kids hurting or making the wrong choices, but ultimately, it’s not up to you.

My kids and I grew through the last several years, and perhaps the best thing learned was that life does go on. No one can ever say life after loss is easy, but that’s just life; sometimes it smacks you when you don’t see it coming. If we’re lucky, we rise to the occasion in the best way we know how.

Life wounds each of us in various ways, it’s how we come out of the wounding that tells the truest sense of who we are, or can be.

As a mother raising boys, I’ve found it’s a work in progress, but if we meet the challenges and do the best we can, that’s all we can ask of ourselves.

5 Dating Don’ts for Divorced Dads

By jason

Dating as a divorced dad has the potential to feel like writing with the opposite hand; it’s the same dating you’re used to doing, but you’re going to be doing it differently.

As a married man you’re used to going out on dates with your spouse. Dates could be simple things like a trip to a local outdoor market, maybe dinner, and then home.

Perhaps they were a quiet dinner and then a movie before bed. They had the potential to be quality time spent with your spouse doing things you both enjoyed together.

Now that you’re back “in the wild” dating could be a huge eye-opener for you. The things that worked while you were married may not work now that you’re single and looking.

1. Don’t Talk About Your Past Marriage

This is the cardinal rule for dating after divorce. Don’t talk about your marriage unless specifically asked and keep it to a minimum. Use your best judgment about what you can share but any discussion of your ex can lead to more questions that you may not want to answer. Early in the relationship anything you say can, and will, be held against you for future reference.

2. Don’t Get Into a Rut

It’s easy to get comfortable doing the same thing over and over again like going to the same places for dinner over and over again. Don’t bring your date to the same place for dinner often; it’s monotonous and has the potential to tell your date that you aren’t original. Not only that you’re telling her that you’re possibly mundane and boring.

This leads me to the next point.

3. Don’t Skip The Romance

Women love romance. They thrive on it in many shapes and fashions. Remember to keep this in mind when planning a date. Do something romantic like taking her to a romantic show or a fancier restaurant. If you are going to cook her a meal, decorate your place with roses, a nice wine, relaxing and romantic music she enjoys and make her feel special.

Romance is about showing your lady how much you enjoy making her happy and showing her how you feel. Many guys that I know are romantic with their ladies even if they aren’t good at telling them how they feel.

4. Don’t Expect Magic… At First

Culture through television, books, magazines and advertisements have slowly driven us to the point that we expect “magic” to happen in our relationships from the start. Movies and television shows continually drive into us a concept of love at first sight. These things are definitely possible but tend to be extremely rare.

Dating is about getting to know the other person, learning about who they are and what they are about. It is your opportunity to present yourself as a possible mate and companion who can compliment their personality, and they yours. If you are serious about a person you should try to put forth the effort to know that person as well.

The goal of a first date, if you’re interested in the other, is to make it to a second date. The goal of a second date is to make it a third date, etc.

5. Don’t Force It

If you aren’t into her, then be upfront and tell her that you enjoyed your time together but you don’t feel you’re compatible. Maybe there’s not much of a connection there and you aren’t really that attracted. It’s important to make sure she understands this even if she’s more into you then you are into her.

This goes both ways. She may not be that into you. It isn’t the end of the world. The ocean is large and there are many, many fish. She may be honest and tell you that she isn’t or she may make it apparent by not wanting to go out again or continually brushing you off.

Don’t take it personally, most people hate confrontation and they don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. Go into a date with an open mind and remember that you’re both here to get to know one another, not to meet before running to the courthouse to get married.

Dating is about fun and enjoyment. Meeting people new is exciting and fun and just because you don’t make good “mates” doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. Just keep in mind that dating, like most other things, requires work and what you put into it you will get out of it.

Online Dating: The Single Mom Conundrum

By lavalife1

I’m a single mom and my child is the first thing on my mind at all times. But I don’t want to be defined by my single-mom status.

I am so much more than that and besides, the label has such depressing connotations — desperation, loneliness, sadness. Yet I am none of those things. So when it comes to online dating, when is the ideal time to reveal your single-parent status?

My first ad on Lavalife was honest. I said that I was a single mom but not looking for anyone to rescue me, thank you very much. I got a few hits from really strange guys. One sexy guy smiled at me, but said he’d only be interested in some fun, as he’d had enough of the single mother type. I was furious. I’m not a type just because I’ve had a child. So after some depressing experiences, I’ve stopped mentioning my child in my ad.

Is that wrong?

“No,” says Sherrie Schneider, co-author of The Rules for Online Dating, “Nowhere in your ad should you mention your children. Don’t say that you love hugging your three-year-old, talking walks with your teen and never, ever, post a photograph online that shows you with your kids.”

Its not that Schneider advocates pretending that the kids don’t exist. If there’s a fact box to check that asks whether you have any, you should check yes, but you shouldn’t offer any further info on the topic if you want to attract a man.

Operating on a need-to-know basis is also advocated by Sharon McKenna, author of Sex and the Single Mother. “It seems deceptive not to disclose it, but unless they ask you directly or you’re out on a date and it seems like there’s a real chance of romance, telling them isn’t necessary,” she says, “But, if it feels like something good could develop, you need to tell them straight away.”

One single mom I know, Ally*, admitted to placing two ads, one that mentions her child and one that doesn’t. “My barren ad attracted more men,” she says, “It’s like the Internet mimics the real world. Who knew?”

Strangely enough, being a single dad doesn’t seem to have the same effect on the number of hits you get or mean that you only hear from single moms. James says that his ad, which mentions that his children are the most important thing in his life, brings him lots of dates. “Honestly, I think that women feel like I’m less likely to be a jerk because I’m a dad,” he says, “Which is probably true to some extent, as having children made me become a lot more mature and dependable than my childless friends.”

When looking through personal ads it can be cringe-inducing to see how some guys use their kids to show you how nice they are. Putting pictures of your kids up on a dating site is pretty creepy whether you are male or female. But when browsing through ads, this tends to be something guys do much more readily. “I would never do that,” says James, “My kids aren’t some kind of bargaining chips for me to show what cute babies I can make.”

Another friend, Helen, always mentions her son somewhere in her profile, though she does it discreetly. “As much as I am looking for someone, I am screening people as well,” she says, “I wouldn’t want to be with someone who dislikes children or doesn’t get the limitations that having a child places on dating. For example, I cannot just go on spontaneous dates or away for a weekend without enough notice to get a sitter.”

I had a few interesting IM chats with a guy who seemed interesting but just didn’t get the single parent thing even though we’d discussed it (briefly). He’d email me in the middle of the day and ask if we could meet for drinks that evening, then get irritated when I’d say no. He just couldn’t understand that it was impossible to get away with an hour’s notice. Needless to say, we never actually met in real life.

Before you do actually drop the bombshell that you are a mom, it’s going to be a whole lot easier if you know a little about your potential paramour’s history. McKenna asks whether her dates have been married, how they feel about children and other subtly probing questions. “It gives you some context and you’re better equipped to tell them your story,” she says.

How they feel about you having a child is a good indicator of whether or not you could continue to date them. Though it’s really good if a guy is interested in hearing about your child, you don’t want it to be the sole topic of conversation. When a guy is overly interested in your child it can be a turn-off. Ally finds it creepy when a date shows too much interest, which has happened: “Open and interested is good. Offering to baby-sit is weird.”

Unfortunately, no matter how cool you think a guy is, he may lose interest once he finds out about your kids. “It just means that he wasn’t the right guy,” says Schneider, “And not worth worrying about.”

Finding out that there are plenty of men out there who won’t date single parents can be shocking but if you don’t disclose about your children you’re looking for trouble. “You don’t need to be with people that are so rigid they won’t date someone with a child, how they react to you telling them about your child is a great screening process,” says McKenna, “If they lose interest in you because of your child then screw them, they wouldn’t have been worth dating anyway.”

* Names have been changed to ensure privacy

Sidebar:

Hollywood’s Hottest Single Moms

Reese Witherspoon

After divorcing Ryan Phillipe, Reese became single mom to Ava (aged 8) and Deacon (4) which hasn’t stopped her enjoying dates with recent co-star Jake Gyllenhaal.

Kate Hudson

Kate’s gorgeous son Ryder (3) was born during her six-year marriage to Black Crowes front man Chris Robinson.

Michelle Williams

Two-year-old Matilda is the spitting image of daddy Heath Ledger, but the couple recently announced that they’d split and would be parenting solo.

Krista Allen

Having a 10-year-old son, Jake, hasn’t stopped this celluloid beauty dating some of the world’s most gorgeous men, including George Clooney.

Meg Ryan

Ryan chose single motherhood and adopted her baby, Daisy True, from China in 2006.

Dating Tips for a Single Father

By jason

Dating as a single father is probably one of the most frustrating experiences that a man can go through.

No matter how hard you try to pretend you’re not, at the end of the day you’re still a man with potential lady-repellent. Overall, most women love children and love to play with them. The difference between your child and the “other” children is that your child is YOURS and shares genetic code with a another woman.

A single woman who doesn’t have children of her own is going to look at your child differently – because if she’s dating you, she’s dating your child.

Subconsciously the female mind is keyed into things that as a man, we’re just not aware of. Our minds are wired differently, and women view children in more granular and deep ways than most men can dream of. We may see our child as a bundle of joy, but the non-parental partner sees a beautiful child AND a living, breathing, relationship technical difficulty.

Biggest Concerns Women Have When Dating a Single Father

Am I Becoming a Mom?

This is probably the biggest fear that I’ve heard. Children are a huge responsibility, and someone who hasn’t experienced it may see raising children as a crushing weight that can be overwhelming. Am I becoming a mom? Does he expect me to help raise his child? What will happen to our relationship?

Do I Have to Know His Ex-Wife?

Let’s face it; women love attention and affection. A woman loves to know she’s the only woman in your life and she puts value in that. No woman wants to feel like she’s in second place, and an ex-wife can be a constant reminder that your current lady isn’t Number One. This can drastically affect her faith in your affections towards her, and really varies based on your relationship with your Ex.

In the long run, your girlfriend is dating your ex-wife, in a twisted sort of way.

Secondly, meeting the ex-wife (or ex-husband if roles were reversed) forces a woman to compare herself to your Ex. No one wants to feel judged, and we are all our own worst critic. How do you feel when you look at your ex-wife’s new man? Take that and multiply it by twenty.

But He Has a Child…

You can’t change your past just like you can’t predict the future.

The fact that you have a child with another woman is something she’ll have to deal with. There’s a profound emotional intimacy that people share when they have children, and women tend to be hyper aware of this. The fact that you found this intimacy with another woman and created a child can leave a the woman you are dating gasping for breath because of how she sees this bond and connection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t share that intimacy with another woman.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the issue that makes most women see divorced fathers as “tarnished” or “damaged goods.”

What’s a Guy to Do?

What I have found through personal experience, research, and discussions with other men, is that communication and patience are the keys for almost all of these concerns.

Be upfront about your situation and don’t hide that you have a child.

If you really are “shopping” for a mom, you need to be extremely honest about this. If you are not, do your best to clearly articulate what you are looking for with your girlfriend. Ask her to share what her concerns are and address them with her.

Be clear on your expectations.

Your Child Is Your Responsibility

On that note, raising and disciplining your child are your responsibilities.

You can’t pass the buck to do this. You are the parent and the authority figure. It’s your job to teach your child to respect the relationship you have with your lady, not hers. If you don’t step up to this and nip it in the bud early, then expect lots of problems later on, especially with teenagers. If you let your child step on your partner, you’re probably going to find yourself single again.

Being a single father is a big deal.

It’s tough and comes with a lot of difficult choices and discussions. Be honest and communicate with your partner. Be patient and help her when she has a tough time with the situation. Communication is the key to unlocking the potential of a worthwhile relationship that you, your partner, and your child can enjoy together.