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Tiger Woods’ Indescretions

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Tiger Woods has all but admitted his philandering ways, most recently coming out with a statement saying that he has “let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart.”

It remains to be seen how everything unfolds, how many women come forward, and what exactly he’ll admit to, but for now the couple is seeking privacy, which is a prerogative we should all honor.

Why Do People Cheat?

In the November issue of The New York Daily News an article about “What Makes Men Cheat” reports that people cheat because something is missing from their lives – even though everything may appear perfect. The article mentions that just because people have mastered something – in this case, playing a sport – doesn’t mean they’ve been able to learn how to have a healthy, honest, and emotionally intimate relationship. Tiger and his wife are successful, rich and have two darling children. It’s possible that this last component may be a contributing factor for his affair(s).

When a new baby comes into the picture men lose center stage status. They might begin to feel like a neglected sibling, fighting for attention from their wife. Of course, no one wants to admit this because feeling competitive with your child or baby just seems silly. Statistics show that a set-up for adultery is created with this complex combination of feeling neglected, feeling guilty, and repressing those feelings.

How To Heal After An Affair

Reports are now surfacing that Tiger is amending his pre-nup to include an extra “payout” to his wife Elin if she stays with him for a certain length of time. Of course, I don’t believe you can buy love, but I do believe that people can move beyond affairs and relationships can heal. I discuss this concept extensively in my book, “Make Up Don’t Break Up.” If both parties are willing to reconcile, a new, healthy relationship can be built from the ground up. Healing is possible, and privacy at this time is key for the couple to sort out their complex feelings.

Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

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During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Beware The Holiday Relationship Hangover

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You know how a hangover feels ~ you likely had a good time the night before but then the morning comes and you feel sick, tired and – if you can remember anything – know that you likely made some bad decisions. So it is with what I’m calling the holiday relationship hangover.

The holidays have the opportunity to be both inspirational or detrimental to a relationship. If we look around, we’ll find there are so many opportunities to make bad decisions, and the circumstances we surround ourselves with during this time of year certainly don’t help. We’re going to holiday parties, drinking more than normal, stressing out about family, celebrating a new year, socializing beyond our means, eating more than we should and in short, creating an environment that can be potentially hazardous to our relationship.

Holidays And Adultery

There are several major reasons people commit adultery, which I talk about in the book, Adultery- The Forgivable Sin. One of the main ones is to counteract feelings of stress, separation or loss. The holidays can bring ALL these feelings up at once. There’s so much to stress out about, we are easily reminded of loved ones that are no longer with us or of family we find it hard to be around. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other.

Another reason people stray is due to the biochemical craving for connection. During this time of year, people are more vulnerable and they’re looking for someone to connect with. The good news is, this is also a time of year to reconnect with family and friends, so take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of an affair.

And of course there are all the outside factors I mentioned briefly above: alcohol, parties, sweets, and so forth. These things in and of themselves lower inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret – when taking all together it can be especially dangerous! The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

Protect Yourself From Holiday Stress

Bad news for candy and chocolate lovers – sweets also have a biochemical effect on stress. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your holiday stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself.

You also might want to practice saying “no” – especially in this economy more and more people are staying in instead of partying, cutting back on gift-giving and hanging out at home with the people who are closest to them. After all, that should be what the season is about, any way!

How To Have An Affair… With Your Partner!

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These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last such as an affair, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.

Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong, passionate relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!

To Confront Or Not Confront: A Mistress Or A Lover

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We’ve all seen it, if not in real life then on TV or in the movies: The faithful wife or husband confronting their partner’s love. It happens time and time again, as the main character meets up with her cheating husband’s mistress.

To Confront Or Not To Confront

The question in itself may sound crazy: Should the jilted partner ever confront the “other woman” or man? But I believe that such a confrontation is sometimes warranted. You don’t have to do it in person, but a phone call can work just as well. In some situations, an confrontation with this person may be an important step of letting go and moving on, whether or not the couple decides to work things out. But as we’ve all seen in the media – in both fact and fiction – such a meeting can be harrowing and dramatic. Here are ten tips to ensure a productive confrontation with the lover of your unfaithful partner:

 1. Pick a neutral public place to meet

2. Never humiliate the lover or your mate in front of friends, coworkers, children or family members.

3. Tell the lover you do not wish to hurt him/her, but you will love your partner and know the feeling is mutual.

4. Make it clear that you will fight for the relationship and that you and your spouse have a history together.

5. Ask for time to make it work.

6. Point out that if your partner leaves the relationship still doubting and full of remorse, the lover will not get a fair shake and might get hurt even worse later on.

7. Look your best.

8. Remain cool, but firm. Remember, these are peace talks.

9. Try to see this person as a wounded child, too. Validate their feelings.

10. Point out the negatives of your partner’s situation- the children, the grim realities of maintaining two households.

Don’t Let The Angry Tiger Out Of Her Cage

You might prefer the idea of tackling your partner’s mistress, but instead aim for empathy, not sympathy. When making the decision to work things out with you partner, there will be many issues to deal with, but at this juncture you are looking to clear the air with the lover. Understand that they may have been a victim of the affair too. They may not have known the truth about your relationship, and even if they did that merely points to the fact that they have their own series of problems to work on.

The point here isn’t to cause a fight or create drama beyond what you’ll already be dealing with, but to bring closure to a situation with the “other” person, so you and your partner can focus on yourselves and making your relationship work again.