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Dating During A Recession

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It turns out economic hardship spawns more than “staycations” and at-home cocktail parties. It also has caused a boost in first dates. It seems that this type of uncertainty makes many of us desire companionship and support more than ever.

Searching For Healthy Relationships

According to MSNBC, some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are showing hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com. If money talks, we’re saying that we are looking to quell the loneliness that’s all too common when chasing careers, financial security, our ideal life. When those things are called into question, we go back to seeking good ol’ fashioned relationships.

This should come as no surprise, as most of us have this inherent desire, but it can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view of money both within our selves and with our partners. This craving starts when stress from childhood causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.

A Genuine Relationship

This can come through online matchmaking, saying “hi” to that person we always see in a coffee shop or through a simple friendship. But you don’t need me to tell you how to meet people! The point is, as the MSNBC article states, it’s not just the frequency of our dates that’s changing — it’s also the people we’re choosing to spend time with.

“They’re looking for something that’s genuine in a world that isn’t very secure,” said Bathsheba Birman, co-founder of the Chicago dating event Nerds at Heart. “ith headlines full of why you can’t trust established institutions that you thought you could … people are re-examining their own values.”

And seeking a steady relationship can actually result in SAVING money! The CEO at OKCupik figures a man can spend $100 buying drinks at a bar trying to pick up a stranger and leave with little more than a cold shoulder. But, when he’s in a relationship, a Saturday evening can be as simple as Thai noodle takeout and a movie rental.

So here’s to healthy relationships and sustainable finances!

Inflated Economy And Our Relationships

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USA Today reports that post-recession, the industries that “fell hardest may see a big rebound.” But how far away are we from this rebound – and are we ready?

There’s no denying this could be a much-needed boon for our economy. Recreational spending is down across the board but it has also forced couples in relationships to put off some big ticket items – things they may actually need – until things pick back up. These “pent up purchases” – whether necessary or not – are starting to be acted upon and may provide the necessary fuel to bring the economy out of the doldrums.

Economists are disagreeing about how much pent-up purchasing power exists and when it will be unleashed on the much-needed economy.

According to USA Today:

May’s retail sales, out Thursday, were worse than expected, and consumer spending is expected to remain weak this quarter and next, IHS Global Insight chief economist Brian Bethune says. And that’s despite the fact that consumer confidence is growing — up strongly last month, according to the Conference Board’s consumer confidence index.

The Effect Of A Rising Economy On Your Relationship

But are we – as individuals, couples, families – ready to be the ones that will spur the economy on? As Americans, we want what we want, when we want it, so it’s understandable that we’re getting tired of drastically limiting their spending, waiting for huge deals or opting for lower-priced off-label brands according to a recent survey.

There’s hope on the horizon that this refusal to compromise (or perhaps what some would call selfishness!) could be the ticket out of the economic downturn. On the other hand, I believe this tightening of our belts has forced many of us to re-focus on what’s most important to us. There will no doubt eventually be a bounce-back, but is now a realistic time to hope for one? All the financial limits mentioned above are stressful, it’s true, but if we learned one thing from the past months it should be that overextending ourselves – as a nation as a whole and as individual households – is even MORE stressful in the long run.

Learning From The Economy

While the idea of “pent up purchasing” may be not far off on the horizon, many of us still are and will continue to feel the effects of the financial fallout.

In every downturn since World War II, one economist says, “The sharper the recession, the sharper the recovery. In virtually every case, forecasters underestimated how strong it would be. I think it was a product of pent-up demand.”

No matter if you decide to contribute to the economy by, say, buying that washing machine, or if the belt-tightening must continue, don’t forget the positive lessons that are to be learned from what we as a country have experienced over the past six months or so.

How To Avoid The “Affair Disease”

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Continuing the trend of politicians caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Closely on the heels of Sanford’s news came the revelation that Senator John Ensign was also admitting infidelity. Politician cheating is nothing new, and I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that politicians have higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis. Psychologically, they’re more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.”

Forgiving Adultery?

Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse his actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of tress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What can we learn from Sanford (and others like him)?

Understanding Infidelity

1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.

For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a
preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals
around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have
sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle
all over again.

2). It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.

Sanford’s wife stated that she was aware of the infidelity and the couple was undergoing a trial separation as a way to SAVE their marriage (I call this the “brush with death” and it can be quite effective if both people are on the same page, although in this situation that doesn’t appear to be the case.)

3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.

It’s likely that Sanford subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?

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Finances and budgets can be touchy subjects, so it may seem completely counter-intuitive to discuss money-related issues early on in a relationship, but this is exactly when it needs to happen. I’m not suggesting you ask for a breakdown of the other person’s assets or that you inquire as to how much they make. And I’m not setting forth the idea that you lead your first date with questions about finances, bills, debt, etc. You need somewhat of a foundation to a relationship before you start discussing some of these tougher subjects.

Are You Comfortable With Talking About Money?

In some ways, this financial discussion has gotten a bit easier as we as a society have become somwhat more comfortable talking about money overall. More people talk about how much their rent or mortgage payments are. More people discuss bonuses at work, the great travel deals they got, or how much they paid to repair their car. It’s not taboo anymore and this is good news for introducing these topics into a relationship. You might be able to learn quite a bit about your significant other’s financial situation just through the routine of normal conversation. Certain topics aren’t considered prying, and don’t feel like you’re being nosy – finding out some basic details about your potential partner’s financial situation should be as important as finding out if you’re emotionally compatible (I discuss both these types of compatibility in my book, Financial Infidelity).

What About When?

So, back to the “when” question. There’s no point in delineating the finer points of relationship finances if there’s no future to the relationship. It usually takes some time to figure this out, so I can’t answer the question of exactly when for you. I can say that there comes a point when you’re comfortable enough with each other to talk about more difficult subjects. But don’t use your comfortability as an excuse to put it off. You only need to figure out basics in the beginning, and you likely won’t be completely at ease as money can still have somewhat of a stigma attached to it. Here are some guidelines for generalities you should know early on in the relationship:

-Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.

-Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.

-Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.

As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

Angry Spending: The Next Wave

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Are American consumers so angry they are spending recklessly, disregarding their budget or agreement with their spouse? Last week, I mentioned a study which stated that almost 80% of women are inclined to spend themselves out of misery and would go on a spending spree to cheer up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotional regulator. Ironically this means that worrying about money can lead to spending more, which doesn’t bode well for many people who have had to cut back due to the recession.

Spending Addiction?

In regards to these patterns that are emerging out of our national – and personal! – financial crisis, I coined a new phrase: “Pent up Purchase!” This is similar to a phenomenon I’ve been studying in my practice for years – what I call a “POP shot,” or a “pissed off purchase.” These types of spending obviously aren’t healthy and when we participate in them, we’re playing off of part of the grieving process. Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Our addiction to spending to get that “high” is a common response to spur dopamine production (feel good hormones). Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing is a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

An Affair With Money

This leads to what I call the “money mistress” which can then give way to financial infidelity. This can be every bit as destructive and painful and a sexual affair (in fact, sometimes the two are intertwined!). A “pissed off purchase,” “money mistress” and “financial infidelity” all occur when you engage in reckless spending – whether that be spending over budget, spending behind your partner’s back, or spending as a way to avoid grief and as a type of self-medication.

I’m not trying to be alarmist and draw the conclusion that buying a pair of shoes to make yourself feel better is only one step away from financial infidelity. I’m merely suggesting that the two can lead to each other, and in a climate where everyone is over-stressed, over-worried and more on-edge than normal, these types of behaviors can heighten the likelihood that you will engage in more destructive patterns.

Breaking The Cycle

There’s no denying relationships are stressed right now, and just as we must be more financially vigilant and dedicated on a personal level, so we must be with our significant other. And it’s not just about money. Take some time to de-stress, relationally by spending time with each other in an attempt to take the pressure off of the worry that may be encroaching on your financial life.

It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle!