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Women Spend More When The Going Gets Tough

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A new survey found that 79% of women said they would go on a spending spree to cheer themselves up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotion regulator, “a way of anesthetising themselves to negative feelings or dissatisfaction with life.” Ironically, this means worrying about money could lead women to spend more.

Spending During A Recession?

SO – if you find yourself wrecking the budget during a financial crisis – when you should be more concerned with keeping money matters in check – you’re not alone. Of course, this doesn’t let you off the hook! The survey – conducted by Professor Karen Pine, from the University of Hertfordshire – uncovers the fact that women are more inclined to spend themselves out of misery when they’re financially strapped, than the times when they’re not. A lack of money is stressful, and the way many women deal with stress is to, well, spend more! Thus, ironically, the recession could actually force more women to overspend.

As I’ve studied addiction over the years, I’ve seen similar behaviors. Of the 700 women in this survey, four out of ten of the women named ‘depression’, and six out of ten named ‘feeling a bit low’, as reasons to go on a spending spree and overspend. This can either lead to, or be symptomatic of, what I’ve come to call financial infidelity – spending money you don’t have behind a partner’s back. Or, if you’re single: simply spending money you don’t have in violation of your budgetary restrictions!

Just as an individual may turn to an illicit love affair to provide the biochemical feelings of connection and experience the thrill of a new romance, over and over again, so, too, they may turn to risky financial behavior for stimulation to give them a high, and get them out of a “funk” or a depression down-turn.

Can Spending Be A Drug?

Not all the women in the survey felt cheered up by the shopping experience. One in four had experienced feelings of regret, guilt or shame after buying something in the week prior to the survey. And seven out of ten women had worried about money during the same period.

The behaviors that stimulate the feelings that drive many to shop when they shouldn’t can easily become addictive, and that’s when it moves into more dangerous territory. As the survey suggests, the ability to regulate emotions is crucial for mental and physical wellbeing and humans adopt a variety of means of doing so, including drugs and alcohol. Shopping is one method increasingly adopted by women, and a Stanford University study identifies one in twenty Americans as compulsive shoppers.

Shopping when feeling depressed is akin to the behaviors that are triggered by other types of addiction. Take stock of your emotions, and the times you feel most prone to engage in a little “retail therapy.” If you’re indulging in spite of your budget – or worse, because of it – you may be headed down a dangerous path that will be unhealthy both financially and emotionally. Work to re-wire the pattern of thinking that leads you to shopping, opting instead for spending time with friends, trying something new like taking a class, head to the gym, or use your energies to volunteer. Work to divert your energy and attention into something positive – the possibilities are nearly endless!

Learning From Michael Jackson

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With Michael Jackson’s passing recently, the world lost a great musician who contributed infinitely to our cultural and musical landscape – he touched so many different worlds from fashion to culture to music and beyond. But there’s no doubt that he lived rather tragically toward the end of his life. From a perspective of the outside looking in, there are a few things we can learn from him in the realm of relationships and finances (and a lot more in many other areas as well!):

What’s your “Imago”?

How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.

Engage In Dialogue

I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations with is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.

Don’t Give Into Financial Infidelity

Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.

Your Money Gram

Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”

Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle

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While many of us are strapped for cash, seeing our income or savings take a hit, and planning our savings strategy, do you know someone who just can’t seem to help making certain purchases they’d be better off not making? Maybe your partner has this struggle, or maybe it’s even something you are dealing with personally. I call this financial infidelity (which is also the title of my latest book) and when I saw it cropping up before the recession, it was usually acted out in the form of larger purchases – maybe even something the person could afford. But now this type of addiction is even more detrimental as many people who engage in this type of behavior honestly CANNOT afford it – relationally OR financially.

What Exactly Is Financial Infidelity?

Of course, a purchase or behavior that qualifies as financial infidelity is dangerous no matter what, but what has the potential to bankrupt your relationship could also have the potential to be even more financially damaging than before. There are a number of ways people engage in financial infidelity – and they don’t always involve large, big ticket purchases. It could be as small as getting an extra $20 back from your grocery shopping, if that’s something you can’t afford and don’t want your partner to know about.

Even when we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity is still likely to be taking place – and in some cases, even more likely. The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Can You Break The Cycle?

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances. You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your “Imago” – the way you look at money based on your past – both as an individual and as a couple.

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

Recession Proof Your Relationship

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Some economists are predicting we could be pulling out of this recession sooner rather than later, but it’s likely that many Americans will be feeling the affects for quite some time to come. As we as a nation continue to battle through job loss, market dives, etc., individual couples and families continue to need a game plan for dealing with the added stress placed on us by the economy. The American Psychological Association reports that 80% of people say the economy is causing added stress in their lives. A certain amount of uncertainty is likely unavoidable for most, but here are a few suggestions for dealing with it.

Your Relationship And Finances

First and foremost, keep your financial talk separate from other leisure activities. Don’t talk about money stresses during a dinner out, while watching a movie together, or while engaging in another couples activity that typically brings enjoyment.

Instead, schedule a time to talk about finances, so you don’t feel constantly on-edge or bombarded by money talk. If each person knows that an appointment exists where the sole purpose is to discuss the budget, finances, etc., they won’t have to worry about other drama that may arise in between these meetings. Be sure to keep these financial discussions – which I recommend be held about once a week – under ten minutes. Attention spans tend to wane, nerves get frayed and stressors really start to show up when you go beyond ten minutes.

Because of these constraints, you’ll want to make sure you have an agenda so you know what needs and concerns need to be addressed. Be prepared to talk about specifics, and then come up with a game plan of how to deal with these concerns. This may mean assigning each person something they need to deal with during the next week, or it may mean acting on something right then as a couple.

Avoiding Financial Infidelity

Remember during these talks to use what I call “Money Love Language.” I discuss this technique in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup, and provide exercises in Financial Infidelity. It involves providing a place where each person can discuss their feelings without fear of retribution. Money is a heated topic and even when doing all the “right” things – i.e., scheduling a time to talk about it, limiting conversation length, etc – tempers can still flare and stress can still be high. When you have your “money meetings,” each person should have a chance to express any concerns, or suggest new ideas without worrying that the other person is going to over-react. Communicating about money in this way is important as it ensures that these exchanges are healthy and not threatening.

Additionally, after such an exchange, plan to do something fun, so that there’s a positive association made with a money discussion. I’ll talk next week about the reasoning behind keeping each meeting under ten minutes, as well as topics that might be worth discussing with your partner.

Polite Marriages Will Suffer

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If you’re like most people, you were probably taught early on that being polite toward others is one of life’s top priorities. And while this advice certainly has a place, it can be detrimental to marriages if taken too literally. There are, in fact, statistics to prove that polite marriages end in adultery. There are two sides of this coin.

When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.