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Tips For A Lasting Relationship

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One of my biggest tips for a lasting relationships is scientific – but bear with me, as it has implications and advice for the real world. One of the best things you can do to ensure a happy, satisfying relationship that will endure through life’s ups and downs is to recreate endorphins. So what exactly does that mean? Endorphins are the same brain chemicals we feel when we begin to fall in love. They show up elsewhere, too, or course, when we’ve accomplished a goal or done something risky. But they show up in love because we’re anticipating the excitement, risk and – yes- perhaps the accomplishment of meeting someone new, starting a relationship, and all the details that brings with it.

When The “Fire” Dies

But it’s likely that after only a little while, those feelings of risk, excitement and accomplishment begin to wane. We know most of the stories our partner tells. We know all their secrets – and all of the details of their day-to-day life as well. We’ve learned much of what there is to know about their past, their likes and dislikes, their struggles and their hobbies. We’ve probably settled into a routine in this new relationship and what was once exciting and unsure has become second nature. This is not a bad stage in a relationship – on the contrary, it can be exciting in its own way as you get to know someone intimately and become comfortable enough with them to develop a life and support system with them. But that doesn’t change the fact that many relationships plateau here, and this often leads to trouble.

So, put into practice, what can you do to increase endorphins? As I suggest in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which focuses on getting through the dips in order to form a lasting relationship – I recommend that you linger. An example is a 20 sec hug which releases the feel good, happy, dopamine rush. Also a 30 second kiss which releases the cuddle hormone Oxytocin and which bonds you to your partner. I’m sure you can come up with more of your own!

More Tips To Make Your Relationship Last

• Make sure you fight fairly. I discuss this in Financial Infidelity that it’s so important to have a 10 minute heart-to heart each week, with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give 3 solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Fighting fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe.

• Make sex a priority, Schedule it in. Some examples are:

“Sex vows”

“Kidnap your partner” – take turns scheduling something – non-sexual – that you enjoy as a couple. Build on that intimacy, and see where it leads!

Use your imagination and come up with different ways to feel close to your partner, even when you don’t, well, feel close to your partner. Those endorphins will keep your body, spirit and mind happy in this relationship, making it last for the long haul!

Sex: The Ultimate Stress-Buster

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What’s free, fun, and the ultimate way to beat stress? Sex of course! This is especially good news in a downward spiraling economy where people find themselves under more pressure, and often with less money. Sex is a great way to break through a stressful run and – perhaps best of all – it’s free.

It’s all about the endorphins. Even a 20 second kiss or hug raises your endorphin levels, and re-affirming your connection with your loved one is a guaranteed tension reducer. But why stop there? Having sex releases more calming hormones than any other type of pre-cursor (i.e., a kiss or hug).

It’s A Human Need

Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. In relation to fidelity, this is what can lead to spending money behind a partner’s back, or conducting an illicit affair. But the good news is you don’t have to seek out these risky behaviors in order to find that high.

Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better. Sure, the more stressed out you are, the busier you are, and the less likely you are to focus a great amount of energy and thought into the necessity of sex. But I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

Why Sex Is So Important In A Relationship

You probably don’t need me telling you all the psychological and financial benefits of having sex. Of course it’s also an important, crucial way to connect and unwind with your partner. During stressful times it can be hard to squeeze in even something enjoyable like sex. Stress typically doesn’t do a lot to put someone “in the mood,” but that’s why it’s even more important to make time for it. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and aside from the proven mental and physical benefits, it’s emotionally beneficial as well. Staying close and connected to someone important in your life during times of great stress is a must. It helps you stay grounded, and re-establishes important relational bonds.

The importance of sex – both emotionally and psychologically – is something we should bear in mind regardless of the economic climate. Connecting with our partners is crucial to a healthy relationship as well as a healthy mind and body. And considering sex is enjoyable, it’s something good you can do for yourself that should be relatively easy.

What is Sex Honesty to Me?

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When Dan asked me to be a part of their new site, I began to think about what sex honesty means to me, and how I think it can help so many people out there. My first thought was, “you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex.” Let me break that down.

What Exactly Is Safe Sex?

Safe sex doesn’t just have to mean protected sex with a condom or some sort of birth control – although that’s crucially important as well, in most cases! Safe sex should also mean intimacy with your partner, trust in your partner and in your relationship, and commitment to each other. You can’t have all these things – what I would deem as the broader definition of “safe sex” – without having honesty in a relationship. If you don’t know that your significant other is going to be honest with you, how can you trust them? How can you have true intimacy? How can you really commit to a person or a relationship if you’re not even sure what that relationship encompasses, or who that person is. Therefore, you can’t have safe sex without honesty.

In a sexual relationship, the converse is also true: you can’t have honesty without safe sex. Using the broader definition of safe sex – one that encompasses intimacy, trust and commitment – you’ll find that all these components must be present in order for honesty to factor into the equation. If you remove one of them, it becomes much harder to be honest. Sex honesty is an inter-connected idea, a cycle that must be maintained by both people in order to have a healthy relationship. Since you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex, a couple has to work on making sure that both honesty and the components of safe sex are present in their relationship. That doesn’t mean that everything is going to be in perfect balance all the time, but learning to identify the deficits that may arise in these areas can go a long way towards insuring a healthier, “safer” sex life, and a more fulfilling, honest relationship.

Having Sex – More Than What Meets The Eye

This is also why I think having sex with someone should be more than a spontaneous decisions. It’s hard to be honest with someone you don’t know very well and therefore it’s difficult to have a truly honest, sexual relationship with that person. This, I believe, is often why casual sex doesn’t work out to the benefit of both people involved. Sex should be something that’s arrived at through intimacy, trust, commitment and honesty. By skipping those steps, you’re selling yourself and your relationship short.

Additionally, honesty in a relationship means fidelity – sexually, financially, and emotionally. I talk about putting relationships back together in my books “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin,” and Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?” and highlight the idea that monogamy is a conscience decision. Fidelity – in its various forms – is a decision you make to stay honest in your relationship. Fidelity, honesty, sex, and finances are all inter-connected. In a healthy relationship this can be a great thing!

So, to make a short story long, I would answer that sex honesty to me is the culmination of intimacy, trust and commitment – all which ideally lead to fidelity and fulfillment in a relationship!

Less Is Enough – Relationship Survival Tips For A Receding Economy

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Remember in school when it was so important to have just the right pair of jeans or to carry a shoulder bag instead of a backpack? To a certain extent – depending on your circle of friends and acquaintances – things can stay this way as we grow up and become adults. Are there certain brands you just have to have? Are there gadgets that seem absolutely necessary?

When The Tables Get Turned

The interesting thing about this recession we’re facing is that the tables, in many cases, seem to have turned. Instead of being looked down on for not having the right brands, the right accessories or the right clothes, kids – and we adults too – are being judged when they DO have these things. As more and more people cut back, those that don’t have to do so are under more and more pressure and scrutiny. The idea that a child – or adult for that matter – should feel ashamed because they don’t have the right toys or clothes is being turned on its head.

It’s for this reason that even celebrities – who in most cases have more than enough – are not “strutting their stuff” out of respect for the predicament we as a nation find ourselves in. So how do we handle these issues if we’re the person who’s feeling guilty for not cutting back, or if we’re the one who is unable to continue in the lifestyle we once were accustomed to? The answer, while simple, is something we can take to heart when dealing with issues of money and friends.

How To Handle The Recession In Your Relationships

1. Be honest. I’m not suggesting you should divulge how much you’re making (or not making) but rather that many taboos of money have fallen away – even more so in this economy. It’s OK to tell friends that you can’t afford the Sunday brunch you had planned or that you’ll have to save up for a weekend away. If you’re in a position that hasn’t changed since the recession, don’t feel guilty for continuing to live your life the way you want to. But do be aware of those around you. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Be sensitive. If you have a friend who doesn’t have the resources she once did, while you shouldn’t feel ashamed for continuing to live your life, acknowledge what she’s going through. Suggest meeting for coffee and someone’s house or having a movie night at home. You’d be surprised at how much this can help take the pressure off. And if you’re the person who’s having to cut back, understand that not everyone is having to make the sacrifices you are and that’s OK.

Using my Smart Heart dialogue – which I mention in both Financial Infidelity and Make up Don’t Break up, will enable you to do this. This method of communication reminds us to take the other person into account and, while it’s designed to be used with couples, works quite well with friendships, too. Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age – or they may be used to assuming a certain status or lifestyle, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it! Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a close friendship or relationship can be difficult but is important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Please understand I’m not suggesting you air your gritty budget details to everyone, but letting the people in your life know what’s going on – in broad strokes – is perfectly acceptable and understandable nowadays.

Women Bringing Home The Bacon In A Recession

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I’ve noted before that more and more women are making more than their partners and spouses, and although statistically in many jobs, men still make more than women, the balance of monetary “power” in many relationships is shifting. So how is this balance holding up in the recession? Turns out, it’s shifting even more toward women as their status as breadwinner continues to become more and more prevalent. According to a New York Times study. over the passed year – as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce.

Is This Good News?

This can be both good and bad news. It’s good because more women being primary money-makers is an opportunity to finally disprove the outdated idea that supporting a family is a man’s job. But on the other hand, for many, this isn’t what they had in mind. Being forced into a breadwinning role because of far less-than-stellar circumstances is probably far from what most women had in mind. Making more than a partner because the partner is out of work is not really something positive.

CNN.com talked to a few women who know about these pros and cons first hand. One women laments that now her boyfriend of 17 years has become needy, saying, “We haven’t gone out to a restaurant since and are buying store brands at the market. He’d never admit it, but he’s become more needy. When I’ve had a stressful day at work, it’s hard to come home and be upbeat and supportive.”

Another woman blames the recession for her breakup, as her boyfriend had to relocate to find work: “Between September and January, my boyfriend has been laid off four times. He applied for tons of jobs in Los Angeles, but got zero response. Then he posted his resume in Boston, where he’s from. He got 10 calls quickly. We decided it was best for him to move back to Boston. The recession has split us up.”

Yet another working woman explains how the duties have shifted to her stay-at-home spouse: “My husband Paul is now responsible for keeping the house clean, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking our son to practices, helping with homework, plus walking the dog.”

Communicating With Your Partner Is The Key

I’ve always stressed in my practice and with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced? It’s crucial to have constant, two-way communication, but each person must also be committed to making reasonable changes if necessary and compromising when applicable.