In the 21st century, with more and more women are out-earning their peers, and even sometimes their partners, things are changing for men as well.

According to a recent survey of men – broken down into five sections: Lifestyle, Dating, Sexuality, Power & Money and Men in 2008 – more and more men are also breaking out of what could be considered traditional “gender roles.” Whether that means they are supporting the women in their lives, taking on more domestic roles, or becoming more monogamous, the survey debunked many of the standard stereotypes to show that the modern man is one driven by a sense of values, loyalty and family.

The Numbers Might Surprise You

* 60% of men are nostalgic for the days when a handshake in business meant something
* 77% of men look for girlfriends with “wife potential”
* 69% of men would never cheat on their partner
* 57% of men cook at home and enjoying doing it
* 56% of men said that being a good father or husband makes a man “manly”
• 61% of men feel that no commercial depictions of the male gender are accurate ones

Of course there are no doubt still men who fall outside these percentages. The survey talked to women, too, to get their take on similar subjects and found a number of interesting things: 20% of women admitted to having had more than 15 sex partners, while only 17% of the male respondents said have had more than 15 partners.

By contrast, when women decide to “settle down” with someone, they tend to be more satisfied with that person and with their sex life. Thirty-four percent of females respondents said they would not change a thing about their lovers, while only 17% of men said the same. Additionally, 23% of female respondents are completely satisfied with their sex lives, versus only 14% of males.

Honesty And Finances

The survey definitely went a ways towards helping to debunk some myths about both genders and how they perceive themselves and their relationship. If we can be this open and honest in the context of a survey, we should practice that kind of honesty in our relationships, especially where money is concerned, as finances can be a huge source of strife for couples.

Many of the percentages expressed in the above scenarios also have a monetary component to them, and it’s important to talk about that component as well, since it often creates underlying issues. Learning to talk about money can be a difficult experience for some. But the social taboos around finances tend to be falling away, too and this can be a good thing when it comes to discussing your financial future with someone. Start early on in the dating process and get to know each others’ views and priorities.

The New York Times has an interesting article about another victim of the recession: the easy divorce. The article mentions that couples used to argue over who got the house, the assets, etc. Now they’re arguing about who gets stuck with these things – which have often depreciated in value, and can be costly to maintain, sell, or simply hang on to.

The article mentions several couples that have been either planning to divorce or in the midst of divorce before the market took a downturn. Now, in some cases, they’re forced to put the proceedings on hold, and are living under the same roof with someone they’d prefer to be separated from.

Re-Evaluating Your Motivations Towards Divorce

If nothing else, the financial situations of many couples are forcing them to think harder about the “ease” of divorce – and I’m a firm believer that most marriages can be saved. Of course it’s miserable to share your home with someone who – if things had gone differently – would’ve been out the door months ago. Take this opportunity to re-evaluate more closely the reasons for breaking up or divorcing, it may end up being just what your relationship needed. By utilizing methods of financial and personal discussion – which I also talk about in my book, Make up Don’t Break up – you may be able to come at some of your problems from a more neutral place.

Money can be the number one relationship wrecker and if money problems have helped get you into a situation where you want to divorce it may seem counter-intuitive to think that during a financial crisis you can repair your relationship. I would encourage you to put effort into re-building your relationship. If you have to share a house, you may as well try to make your partnership work.

Communication Is The Key

I recommend couples considering divorce or a break up use the “Money Love Language” that I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity. This language is a way of thinking and talking about finances that helps you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with. Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship – like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now!

When it comes to stressful financial times, remember: both people need to know what’s going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like they can voice their concerns. If the burden is falling on one person, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity – where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other’s back as a way of mitigating the added stress they’re feeling.

Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do other things with each other to attempt to rebuild your relationship – watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!). Listen to music together, meditate, cook dinner together, exercise together. Use these unexpected financial transitions to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person’s view of money.

I’ve noticed a lot more people playing the lottery recently. Maybe they figure now is the time they’d need the win most, or because things are so bad economically they haven’t got anything to lose. Aside from the fact that playing the lottery can simply be an irresponsible financial decision, in some cases there’s more that comes into play. These people may be prone to magical thinking.

What Is Magical Thinking When It Comes Your Finances?

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, when it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their
partners.

Some questions to ask yourself in order to reveal this type of thinking are:

• Are you a gambler?
• Do you expect to win if you buy a lottery ticket?
• Do you believe it’s just as easy to find a rich spouse as a poor spouse?
• Do you believe you can influence your financial situation, or do you think that things
will eventually “just work out”?
• Do you avoid discussions about money?
• Do you feel financially secure, even if you don’t have money put away?

Don’t Turn A Blind Eye To A Financial Crisis

There are no “magical solutions.” In other words, you likely won’t win the lottery, and even if you do, you haven’t changed any behaviors, you’ve just added more money into the equation. Turning a blind eye to a financial crisis won’t make things better. Putting off planning for the future doesn’t REALLY make for less work in the short-run.

Many people engage in these types of magical thinking patterns because they’re afraid to rock the boat with their partner – and as we all know, issues of money lend themselves to being rocky! At some point or another, most people have been guilty of magical thinking, but in most cases, they can navigate through the temptations to think things will just “get better” by talking with their partner and discussing fears and finances. They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive.

If you find yourself prone to magical thinking – planning to win the lottery or hoping your financial issues will just work themselves out – it’s crucial for your own mental and financial well-being that you break down barriers of communication and talk about these issues. It may not be comfortable at first, but this is one “magic spell” that needs to be broken!