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How A Disagreement Can Bring You Closer

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I was planning this week to write about about how to handle financial disagreements when they do arise in your relationship, and with all that’s been going on in our country, it’s a perfect time to bring in some specific examples and unpack the tools needed to get through stressful financial times. Now, couples are faced with a great opportunity to band together against the financial infidelity taking place in the world around them, and use this time to work together toward long term financial success, yes, but perhaps more importantly toward relationship success as well.

Disagreeing About Money

Fights about money crop up frequently in most relationships and with added stresses – like potential job loss, inability to pay bills, possibility of foreclosure, etc., etc. – arguing about ANYTHING can be painful, but talking about money heaps stress upon stress. In order to avoid the fallouts that often come in these high-stress situations, it’s important to focus on using “attachment language” when you argue, and also ensure that your partner has a “safe landing” during what can often be heated discussions. In other words, don’t blame each other. Look at the situation as objectively as possible. Allow each person to state their fears, concerns and frustrations without interruption or fear of reprisal, and by doing so create a safe place in which financial discussion can occur.

The “rules” for arguing are the same now as they were before “Financial 9/11,” but it’s even more important to put them into action at this point in time. A failure to do so can have an opposite-than-desired affect, and push your partner and family further away from you. When we’re facing difficult circumstances we need the support of those around us – and often these relationships, when maintained properly, can themselves help to reduce our feelings of stress!

How It Can Bring You Closer

Another way to mitigate stress surrounding money in your relationship is to focus on the good things that can come from a personal or national financial downturn. Yes, there are a few good things worth mentioning … things like:

*People are taking time to connect. Whereas before, most people knew how to make money and create some amount of success for themselves, the focus can now be on connecting with your loved ones and family.
*It’s enabled us to focus on simpler things: spending time with family, cooking meals and eating together, watching a movie at home, etc.
*We’re learning that money doesn’t HAVE to buy us happiness – happiness can come from the important relationships and interactions in our life.

There’s no better time than now to put this knowledge into action and focus on how much your relationship means to you.

Don’t Shop ‘Till Your Relationship Drops!

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Most people don’t have a lot of extra money right now. For most of the country, couples and households are worrying about how to pinch pennies, not which hot-off-the-runway item would be best added to their wardrobe. But that doesn’t mean there’s not financial infidelity going on. It’s very stressful to have so much financial pressure put on your relationship and constantly worrying about making ends meet can take its toll.

“Me” Purchases

When you’re craving a “me” purchase, sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do can be to try and hide it. To pay for it in cash you’ve squirreled away, to charge to a credit card or account your significant other doesn’t know about. Making an off-budget purchase that – in different economic times – would be no big deal, can suddenly turn into a trouble spot in your finances and in your relationship.

It’s normal to need to unburden the stresses of always having to think about money, and it’s also perfectly normal to want to be a little self-indulgent from time to time. But we need to learn to do so in a way that doesn’t cause greater stress down the line. These behind-the-back purchases can lead to fights as well as more financial pressure. In this situation, you’re only fueling the problem, not fixing it!

Being Open And Honest About Finances

The first thing to do – before you attempt to make and then hide a purchase – is to discuss your finances with your partner. You may already be doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll need to tweak your budget as you go along when you find things that work and things that don’t. Talk with your partner about the possibility of having even a small discretionary spending budget. This may mean planning for a pedicure date with your girlfriends, or getting even $25-$50 a month for personal expenses like a new t-shirt you’ve been wanting or brunch with a friend. It’s important to connect and draw support from friends and family during tough times, and sometimes that costs money so it’s good to have a game plan for how to deal with that.

Keeping this in mind, you will still have to accept that keeping up appearances can be exhausting. Whether or not your friends and family are in the same economic place that you are, it’s OK to be up front with them. Money is a difficult subject to breach, even among friends, and I’m not suggesting that you air your dirty laundry, but if you have friends who aren’t stretched as thin, they may not think twice before making a lunch date. Instead, you may want to be prepared to suggest more economically-friendly ways to spend time together, like enjoying a picnic in a park, having tea together at your house, etc.

On the flip side, be conscientious of people who may be struggling more than you and take their circumstances into account. While a recession is painful and frustrating, it can be a good time to get back to basics and realize we don’t need the latest trend to come off the runways or an expensive meal to connect with the things and people we care about!

What To Do When Your Partner Lies About Money

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Money is a difficult topic to talk about – no matter how close you are with the other person, how long you’ve known them and how much you trust them.

This is evidenced by the fact that money troubles is one of the top causes of divorce. Any one of a number of money-related topics can be difficult to deal with, but confronting your significant other if you suspect them of lying about money is one of the harder discussions to have.

If one person in a relationship is going behind the other’s back when it comes to finances, there could be a number of things he or she is doing with the money – they could be spending it on themselves, they could be keeping some out of their paycheck for themselves (if this wasn’t already agreed upon), they could have been dishonest about the cost of a purchase – and the list goes on and on.

Is Your Partner Lying About Spending Money?

What’s perhaps more important than where and how this money is being spent, is WHY this money is being spent. When you confront your partner about their behavior, don’t judge or get angry. The person doing the spending could be afraid of the reaction they’ll get if they were to tell the truth, and by introducing anger into the discussion, you’re doing just the thing they’re fearful of.

Instead, provide what I call a “soft landing” using my Money Love Language, which I talk about in “Financial Infidelity.” Create and environment of empathy, clarity and validation – not shame.

There are a couple of exercises put forth in my book that are beneficial in this instance. Utilizing the Money Gram helps you how your money history – it uncovers why you spend by looking at the patterns from your family and your past.

Was money dealt with in a secretive way? Have you been treated like a child in the past in regards to money? The second exercise is Mirror, Mirror which shows where the person spends, why they’re inclined to spend, and calls for transparency.

What Can You Do?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is prone to hide purchases or lie about finances, it’s important to reward them when they’re NOT spending instead of getting mad when they ARE. This helps encourage honesty and builds an environment of safety that the spender will feel safe in.

Power is the Ultimate Drug – The Relationship Between Power, Money and Your Relationship

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One thing the financial crisis has shown us – now more than ever before – is that power is closely tied to money. Bernard Madoff is a good example. He saw a weakness in the system and took advantage of people and companies – to the tune of around $50 billion. Madoff’s downfall – and others like him – help show that now – more than ever – it’s important to be financially accountable.

Being Open And Honest About Finances With Your Partner

You may not have access to other people’s money, you may not be able to play the stock market against the odds. In fact, you may be on the other side of the fence along with most Americans: cutting back and trying to avoid a financial catastrophe of a different kind. But in both of these situations, being honest with your partner about your finances is crucial.

I suggest using the techniques I put forth in my book, Financial Infidelity, to figure out what factors influence how you think about – and talk about – money. I call this your MoneyGram – it’s your “financial makeup” if you will. Delving into your familial financial history can be enlightening to both yourself and your partner and can help you discover money behaviors and relationship dynamics within your family. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent, overcome and solve money behaviors you face now – and in the future, including a dislike for discussing money.

How You View Your Money

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, the dynamic of viewing money as a game of power in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners. This can be especially problematic in this economic climate, where markets, accounts and careers are already primed for financial catastrophes anyway! It is crucial during these times of extreme crisis and/or risk that decisions be well though through, discussed openly, and ANYTHING but rash!

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

Recognizing your financial past (your money gram) and understanding eachothers’ risk-taking tendencies can help mitigate personal financial struggles.

Does He Have The Infidelity Gene?

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Seventy-two-year-old Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi has made sex and scandal part of his political legacy He’s survived 17 criminal trials without conviction, and the most recent scandals allegedly involve some of the women in his administration. 

Does He Have the Infidelity Gene?

UK newspaper the Times Online says his opponents see him as a doddering septuagenarian addicted to mysterious injections; supporters paint him as a tireless Don Juan, capable of satisfying two or three women at once. Whatever the case, there’s no denying that the Italian PM may have that infidelity gene that researchers think they identified!

Not to diminish the attempt of Berlusconi to include women as 30% of his administration, but they all tend to be former starlets who gained fame when he was a TV mogul.   Because of this, a number of people have given him the nickname, “un magnaccia,” a colorful term for pimp, because of the time he’s spent finding work for “showgirls” rather than solving government problems.

Thrill-Seeking Behavior

Berlusconi is clearly engaging in a thrill-seeking behavior common in people with high-stress, high-risk jobs, like politicians. Politicians have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel.

Add to this that I believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. I call it the bio-chemical craving for connection. It usually stems from three things: stress, loss or separation and leads to thrill-seeking behavior to avoid that feeling of emptiness.

According to Berlusconi’s personal physician, Bersulsconi, “has a strong sexual personality, and they are highly attracted to him. But it quickly turned to legend, and he has been the object of a disgraceful violation of privacy that would never be permitted in the US.”

Sex has always played a role in Berlusconi’s image. But that doesn’t mean that he, or others who are similarly disposed, has to live in this shadow or have an unhealthy relationship with sexuality.