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Andrew Young Covers For John Edwards

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News broke this week that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth are splitting up, which actually happens in the majority of adultery cases (65%). And since this is such an extreme case, it’s easy to see how – if they weren’t receiving the proper counseling or commitment – this could have happened.

Prior to John Edwards accepting paternity of the daughter he fathered with a woman working on his campaign, his aide had accepted responsibility for this child. On the eve of his aide, Andrew Young, releasing a tell-all memoir (which he’ll be discussing this week on 20/20) that was set to reveal Edwards as the real father – among other admissions and accusations we’ll likely just have to wait to find out about – Edwards himself finally made his guilty admission: that in addition to having an affair he copped to last year, he had also fathered a child.

Denials Give Way To Emotional Issues

These denials, cover-ups, subsequent admissions, more lies and cover-ups and more admissions indicate is likely trying to work through some severely emotional problems. Of course, all affairs and lies are wrong, upsetting and emotionally draining, but it’s likely to get blown out of proportion into an even wider scope when the cycle of stress, lies and affairs is perpetuated by someone in the spotlight – and when more and more drama is piled on as the lies compound.

I think it’s time that we as a society began to look at adultery for what it truly is: an addiction. Just like no other addiction should be excused or justified, so must we demand restitution for infidelity. But looking at it as an addiction or “affair disease” will also help us understand and treat the problem.

We need to stop glamorizing adultery, or – alternatively – bastardizing it. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name). Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure, and so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What Causes Adultery

Adultery can be triggered by feelings of stress, separation and loss. Here again, these are all things Edwards has experienced and – because of his role in the public eye – experienced at an intense degree. The stress of his job not to mention the stress of attempting to run a presidential campaign. The fear of separation from his wife as she battled cancer. The loss of a child he fathered with Elizabeth. This things have all likely played out to their conclusion, resulting in the affair and subsequent attempted cover-up.

One of the things we can learn from the fall from grace is that we need to learn to articulate what we’re feeling before it’s too late. It’s likely that Edwards subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing the election or losing his wife or losing his son – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear and loss by deciding to cheat. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

Have A Snowed In Affair With Your Own Partner

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Many of us – myself included! – have been snowed in the past couple days, thanks to extreme weather hitting many parts of the US. While not being able to get to your scheduled appointments – like work, school, meetings, etc – can be stressful, why not put the time to good use and use the mandatory down-time to rekindle a spark with your significant other?! Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean you can’t heat it up indoors! Here are a few of the things I recommend to have a snowed-in affair, take advantage of the blizzard and get back to basics!

Hot Ideas For When It’s Cold Outside

  • Mix up a hot drink and then cozy up with each other. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot toddy, getting warm together doesn’t HAVE to involve sex! Start out with something simple like a drink to warm you up and snuggle up together by reading a book, playing a game, or beginning a project you’ve been putting off.
  • Let it lead to sex. Studies show that during big storms people usually make love, make babies or fight. Starting by reconnecting with something simple (a book, a game, etc.), as I mentioned above, can lead to a more intimate conclusion. Take advantage of the fact that you don’t have anywhere to be! If you’re like most of us, this will likely be one of the few times when Mother Nature forces you to slow down and simplify! Make the most of your time indoors, since there’s nowhere else you could be, even if you wanted to. Instead of letting your obligations stress you out, let go of your responsibilities by having an affair with your own partner. I mention this technique in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, where I give couples tools for rekindling romance.
  • Get outside. That’s right – it’s cold and snowy and you don’t have to go anywhere so why not relive the excitement that snowdays gave you as a kid?! These types of opportunities often bring out our inner child, so go with it, get playful and see where it leads. You may learn something new about your partner, discover something new you can do together (who doesn’t love making snowmen?), and if nothing else, have a good time goofing around together.
  • Recreate the chemicals you experienced when you first fell in love. Take this opportunity to give a 30 second kiss and/or 20 second hug so you can fall back in love with your partner for Valentines Day during this snow-in.

I talk more about ways to fall in love and stay in love – no matter what the weather – in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up!

Fighting Fair Is Necessary For Fidelity, Passion And Health

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On the heels of the news this weekend that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will allegedly be separating, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage people to learn how to fight fair. Fighting in a relationship is not in itself a bad thing – in fact it’s usually necessary for a relationship to survive. A relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I talk about the dialogue necessary to fight fair in my book Make Up Don’t Breakup (which will be re-released in March with new chapters).

Additionally, Brad and Angelina are definitely in a unique situation, but also share some common denominators that many of us have experienced. Angelina is likely looking for a new adventure as a response to her feelings of separation and loss she may still be dealing with due to her mother passing away. She’s experiencing what I call a Biochemical Craving for Connection. This can be momentarily assuaged by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior such as requesting and open relationship, traveling, working, or engaging in an affair (among many other things) but it only leads to a more pronounced cycle of stress, separation and loss when each “adventure” winds down and the person is left with the original feelings.

Have A Heart To Heart Talk With Your Partner

I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give three solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Arguing fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe. Here are a few other pointers:

  • Ask permission – you want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.
  • Put time limits on the “fight” – it’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.
  • Use “I” sentences – don’t blame or criticize.
  • Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
  • Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
  • After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created.

John Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

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The New York Daily News came out with an article on John Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Understanding Adultery

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts with the affair disease, who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

How To Avoid Destructive Behavior

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable. It’s caused by stress and fear of separation and loss. As I’ve mentioned before, successful people in the spotlight – like Edwards and Tiger to name only two – experience these emotions intensely and regularly because of their line of work. Edwards was likely especially challenged by fear of separation and loss when he lost his child and when his wife struggled through cancer during the elections. All these components can add up to make the life he faced as a politician even more stressful and frightening.

Of course I would never excuse someone’s adulterous, lying behavior but if we can seek to understand it, like we seek to understand other addiction I believe we can keep couples together.

Make Up, Don’t Break Up This Valentine’s Day

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Everywhere you look in the headlines, one famous couple or another is breaking up. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are supposedly calling it quits, while Brad is rumored to be back in contact with Jennifer Aniston. And Elin has put her divorce proceedings on hold while Tiger allegedly hashes it out in rehab. I spoke to OK!Magazine on this very subject, saying that I believe most relationships CAN be kept together. In my practice, 98% of couples can work things out, you just have to be honest about addressing what problems you’re facing, and committed to dealing with them.

Ok, it’s not THAT easy, which is why I’m re-releasing my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up, with new, updated insights into why we do what we do, how to break bad behavior patterns, the male dilemma of intimacy, and how to make the decision to stay together! I address topics like gender wars and long distance relationships. I also expand on a few of my techniques, which I’ve mentioned in my blog posts before, but I think bear repeating especially in light of upcoming Valentine’s Day and with people focusing on love and relationships.

How To Break Bad Behavior Patterns

  • Don’t underestimate the Biochemical Craving for Connection. More than being needy or clingy, we all need to connect in a deep and meaningful way with our partners. But some people have exaggerated feelings of stress, separation and loss that cause them to seek out illicit behavior in order to fill this craving. If you’re in this situation, you can avoid a lot of heartache by identifying it and dealing with it early on.
  • Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.
  • Consider a brush with death. This can be an extreme measure when it looks like a relationship may be coming to its end. This is a scenario in which a couple agrees to spend time apart with the intention of working things out and getting back together. – A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Remember that it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly.

Whether or not you’re in a rocky relationship, I encourage you to take this time, when “love is in the air” and focus on some things about your relationship that you’d like to improve upon or change. Have an affair with your own partner and plan for some romance!