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John Edwards’ Situation Looks Bleak – Can It Be Saved?

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By now, the news of John Edwards’ admittance to fathering a child with a woman working on his campaign has hit the airwaves and is making its way around the media. Talk shows, news programs, morning shows ~ everyone is riffing off of this admission and everyone has something to say about it. One thing seems to be the general consensus: that following Edwards’ earlier admission to having an affair with this woman, yet denying paternity of the father, no one is actually surprised he’s reneged on this earlier claim.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

Make Financial Fidelity Your Resolution

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As we enter the new year, it’s important to take stock of our finances and what we expect our financial ad relational future to look like this year. Financial fidelity is something anyone at any income level at any stage in a relationship can benefit from. It stems from being honest with your partner about your finances. Sounds simple enough, right? Basic relationship 101? It may SEEM simple, but if that were truly the case, finances wouldn’t be one of the leading causes of divorce. The truth is, many couples – no matter how long or short of a time they’ve been together – struggle when it comes to being honest about their money.

What Is Financial Infidelity?

What I call “financial infidelity” (and which I talk about extensively in the book Financial Infidelity) can take on many different forms. It can be as simple and mundane as keeping $20 for yourself when you go to deposit a check or it can be as complicated and public as keeping a woman in every city. The basic idea underlying financial infidelity is that it’s something you’re trying to keep from your significant other. To some, a $20 withdrawal may not be a big deal but if that’s beyond what you’ve discussed in your personal relationship as being over the limit then it’s a form of financial infidelity.

Staying financially faithful can look different at different phases of a relationship. If you haven’t been together for that long, for example, your conversation would be different than a couple who’s been together for years. You might start by doing things like:

  • Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.
  • Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.
  • Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.
  • As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

Reward Yourself For Fidelity

A couple who’s been together longer would go more in-depth and be up front about how you and your partner are dealing with money without shame and blame or judgement. Do a budget and if you are a spender you will see how different it is to pay your bills. Give yourself a reward – not money – if you follow this. Spend time at home re-prioritizing, which costs nothing. And again, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.

I encourage you to find a system that works for you and talk to your partner about money and financial expectations. Here’s to an open, honest and successful 2010!

North Ireland Rocked By Cougar Affair

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Here’s a twist on the typical political affair: this time, the person perpetrating the affair was a woman. And her lover was 19. She’s Iris Robinson, a member of the Irish parlaiment and wife of Ireland’s first minister. Additionally, a radio show in Britian is alleging that Ms. Robinson organized a nearly $83,000 business deal to establish her lover’s business without declaring her interest. The program also pointed guilted the first minister, saying he became aware of the relationship and the deal but didn’t alert authorities.

What Drives An Affair?

I’ve written a lot about the affairs we see perpetrated by politicians ~ it’s nothing new. Typically the reasons boils down to similar reasons for just about everyone in positions of power: they’re more vulnerable to engage in this type of behavior because of stress, separation and loss – factors which I deal with in-depth in my book Adultery The Forgivable Sin, where I discuss healing the hurt after an affair. These aspects can come from a variety of places: stress from their job, separation from their significant other or family, loss of a higher position, an election, money, their youth or any one of a number of things. It’s likely that Ms. Robinson (an ironic name, we know) was suffering from any or all of these things but her transgressions go deeper.

The so-called cougar mentality (older women who give their time and affection to younger men) can rear its head for a variety of reasons.

1. Lack of affection from their partner (this is a common theme in a variety of adulterous relationships, not just ones featuring a vast age difference)

2. Low self-esteem, the need for attention and acceptance. No matter how well the cheater’s partner treats them, no matter how good the relationship is, they need a larger “audience” to boost their ego.

4. Sex addict. Just like a drug addict, the sex addict isn’t thinking about the destructive consequences to themselves or others. Their focus is driven by the addiction.

5. When a person can’t deal with reality very well, they escape by cheating. Some people escape to drugs or alcohol, some escape by playing the fantasy world.

The Link Between Affairs And Financial Infidelity

The financial issues make this particular affair even more interesting as Ms. Robinson committed financial infidelity not just against her husband (by utilizing her finances to engage in a sexual affair) but also, potentially, against her responsibilities as a politician. Garnering such substantial support for someone who turns out to be a lover should be scrutinized. As I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity, people typically commit this type of infidelity (and sexual infidelity as well) against their partners as a way to escape a certain problem. This could be true in the Robinson’s personal life and it could also be true in her public and political life as well.

One of the unfortunate things is that any type of affair will never allow you to ESCAPE a problem but will instead create more stress, thereby helping the adulterer spin out of control in a cycle of stress/infidelity, stress/infidelity, and so on. This sad situation is yet another example of the powerful being addicted to risky behaviors, and drives home the necessity of fostering a loving, communicative relationship where you can be honest with and about yourself, and with and about your partner.

Tiger And Elin: Brush With Death

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As more and more media outlets are reporting that Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin, may in fact be getting a divorce, I have a suggestion for them: break up to make up – or what I call a brush with death. One publication was reporting that Tiger offered Elin a hefty sum just to agree to stay with him for two years, so at least for one reason or another, he apparently wants the relationship to continue. Of course it’s completely understandable why Elin would just want to cut and run. She’s likely humiliated and burnt out on all the attention and speculation she’s received not only the past few weeks but over the last several years of being in the spotlight. She’s probably more than a little shell shocked and I would recommend that anyone in that situation give themselves some space.

Can Tiger And Elin Make It?

But I think it’s possible for them to eventually put the pieces back together. Sure, no one can really know what Tiger’s motivation was for offering her a settlement to stay with him but it shows that he DOES want her to stay with him in some way. And Elin has a right to be upset and angry – she SHOULD be angry over the way she was treated. I delve into the specifics in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, but something like this can’t be fixed overnight of course – there are deeply engrained patterns at work here and a lot of betrayal and deception at play. Which is why I recommend the brush with death – which I also talk about in the book, Adultery The Forgivable Sin – or breaking up to make up: the idea that the couple wants to make things work in the long run, but need some time to sort through their anger, frustration and other emotions on their own.

Overcoming The Obstacles

Now, I’m not talking about something where the couple breaks up with the “cushion” that it “might work out at a later date.” (How many times are we all guilty of saying, hoping for, or believing that?) What I’m talking about is an intentioned break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome.

But here’s the catch: the couple HAS to be committed to working things out, or else this can just be used as a license to act out on temporary emotions – actions that often have lasting implications. This would obviously only make the situation worse. When done for the right reasons – and under supervision of a therapist or counselor – A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Remember that creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning.

Tiger Woods’ High Priced Infidelity

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How’s this for high priced financial infidelity: Tiger Woods averaged 40-60K a weekend spent on high-priced call girls. That’s the word coming from an escort service owner who says she counted Tiger as one of her frequent clients. The owner of the agency told eonline:
People like Woods (rich, famous, etc.) utilized her business because “it’s supposed to be discreet. When you pay it’s established that it’s a business relationship. You don’t have a girl thinking he is going to leave his wife for her and they will fall in love and have a fairy tale relationship.”

How Infidelity Relates To Financial Infidelity

This also makes sense in light of statistical facts that even a “normal” affair only ends in a sustained relationship 1-3% of the time. Yet people like Tiger Woods commit financial AND physical adultery all the time – either by blatantly paying for sex via a service, or by paying to be romantically involved with a person that isn’t their spouse. I typically talk about financial infidelity – as I do in my book of the same name – as any time one person goes behind their partner’s back to make a financial purchase. It’s a symptom related to other problems that cause people to have physical affairs and it can be anything from getting extra cash back at the grocery store to use on yourself, to keeping a separate bank account for your own purchases.

Sure, Tiger Woods’ story is a bit extreme and most people aren’t spending that much behind their spouse’s backs, but the same conclusions can be drawn wether you’re dishonest about $40 or $40K and whether you’re just committing financial infidelity or if you’re also engaged in a physical affair. I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally (generationally) by balancing stress and brain chemicals, through Psychotherapy, medical work up and treatment as I do with my patients with a team approach with an MD.

Stress Can Contribute To Both Kinds Of Infidelity

People who have experienced severe stress, loss and separation with their parents at an early age suffer an impact on their hormones. This hormonal change results in what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection to establish certain equilibrium physically. Having done much research on the subject, I believe these feelings follow people into adulthood as we see with people like Tiger Woods who are under a lot of stress. People who engage in an affair (emotional, financial, physical, or otherwise) are usually looking to self-medicate these feelings but what they’re really doing is creating even more stress, separation and loss in their lives.

Until they learn how to deal with the base causes of their emotions, they likely won’t be able to eradicate this cycle from their lives.