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Avoid A Pent Up Purchase This Holiday Season

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Have you had your spending reined in? Do you feel like you’re on a short leash, financially? Have you been unable to indulge in the little splurges for yourself or loved ones that you were used to? The economic climate overall is improving, but that doesn’t mean everyone is rebounding ~ in fact, for some people the sting of financial downturn is still fresh, whether it be from a lost job, a foreclosed house, a lifestyle downsize, or any one of a number of things.

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, this recession hasn’t been all bad, as it’s taught many of us what’s truly important: we’re taking pleasure in the little things like eating meals together instead of going out, watching movies at home with friends instead of splurging on expensive outings, doing crafts with our kids instead of buying them the latest gadget, and so on.

But there’s nothing like the holidays to make you feel the pinch of a pinched penny. This time of year has ALWAYS been a hard one for much of American. People frequently go into debt to buy the perfect gift for themselves or a friend or family member. We throw caution to the wind and plan vacations home, eat meals out, host parties … and make things more stressful than they should be.

As many families are in the midst of needing to cut back, it’s even more of a necessity to live within your means this holiday season, but it’s likely to be even more tempting to overindulge. I call this a Pent Up Purchase. It’s related to a typical symptom of infidelity, the Pissed off Purchase, which I describe in my book Financial Infidelity, and can manifest itself in several ways:

Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing – and the penny pinching many are experiencing – is actually a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

Avoid Holiday Overspending

So where does that leave us, as we stare the holiday season in the eyes? Make sure you’re taking advantage of the GOOD things we can learn from this recession, like I mentioned above. It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the financial infidelity cycle! Spending time with your family – which is often at the core of a memorable holiday experience anyway, even after you strip away the gifts and festivities – can be a good place to start. Or if your family is a source of even MORE stress know your limits and boundaries.

Essentially, the advice that is always relevant during this time of year is even more pertinent now: Take time to rest, to enjoy the season, to be with the people that you love, and let the support of all these things carry you through the stresses you may be feeling about finances, money or the economy.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

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Hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner! For some of us, that’s good news – while others of us are likely dreading the upcoming months. Although many people look forward to this time of year, there’s no denying we face countless stresses starting now and lasting through the end of the year – if not beyond. For this reason it’s not unusual to see a spike in instances of adultery during the holidays. Beyond the “basic” role that stress plays in adulterous relationships, I’ve come up with a number of reasons why it can be even more tempting to engage in a dalliance at this time of year.

Why Adultery Is Higher During The Holidays

  • Sex has no calories – ok, this one’s pretty obvious! There are plenty of activities that involve a lot of stress and a lot of extra eating! Sex is a way to absolve yourself of both … unless it’s with someone other than your partner. In which case, the stress relief is only momentary – and you’ll be left with an affair, which is a lot worse than a few extra pounds.
  • People go into emptiness during holidays, regrets, family they miss, happiness and sadness – as I mentioned, the holidays can be difficult for people. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other so you can face the holiday challenges together.
  • People are more vulnerable – this goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. The good news is, this is a time of year where people are taking time off, spending time with family and friends. So take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of infidelity.
  • People drink more and inhibitions are lower, more prone to sex – ’nuff said. You don’t want to be next years’ sad story.
  • During the holidays there are more parties – this means more people are wearing sexy clothes, dancing together, drinking (as mentioned above) going home together.  This lowers inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret. The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know  your limits.

As a general rule, I tell people not to drink at work-related events, including holiday parties: it’s just too easy to let yourself go, especially when the people around you aren’t setting the greatest examples! If you’re worried things will end badly, you can politely decline to attend certain festivities!

Another tip is – DON’T DANCE! At least not with a co-worker and definitely not someone with whom you may be feeling a bit of heat. Bring your significant other to such events – enjoy their company, dance with them, go home with them and if there IS someone at work that could potentially lure you to cheat, introduce them to your partner as a way of staying honest! I mention the importance of this introduction – and how to handle it – in my book, “Make up, Don’t Breakup.”

  • People are eating more sweets during Christmas, sweets have a biochemical effect on stress. Causes more acting out behavior.  Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself against having a holiday affair!

Don’t Let The Passion Fade!

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Passion is not to be confused with love, but it still is an important part of a relationship – and it’s important to understand WHY it’s important! Because the feelings of passion we experience – especially pronounced at the beginning of a relationship – aren’t actually love, couples should be aware that the absence of passion is not the absence of love. However, losing passion in a relationship is something that should not be taken lightly.

As one therapist on PsychologyToday.com described it:

“But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out — the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.”

Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, it’s easy to get to that point of stagnation. Life is busy and demanding. There are frequently careers in the picture, perhaps kids, home ownership, financial demands and relationship stress, family issues, and much more. I bring this topic up particularly around the holidays when – although it’s a time we SHOULD be using to spend with loved ones and reignite passion in our romances – it’s often instead a period of the year that is incredibly stressful and draining.

How To Keep Romance Alive

I talk about a few techniques to keep the romance alive in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, and I also use these strategies for couples that have been through an affair or feel themselves pulling away from their partner. They work in less serious circumstances to – because, let’s face it, everyone in a relationship at one time or another has needed a little change to their routine. So give them a try this holiday season and focus on what’s important in your life!

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up – go back to the honeymoan! Make these activities your top priority!

A Touch Can Be Magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers

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As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use  the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup.  But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

Bump-A-Holic

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I’ve written earlier about the craze that seems to be infiltrating many communities and homes, creating less than ideal conditions for babies and parents: the bumpaholic. And I believe this type of pregnancy can be less than ideal for several reasons.

It’s for the wrong reasons. We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones  people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.

Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!

Reasons Not To Get Pregnant Right Now

It’s financially stressful. Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.

Doing so can create strain in a relationship. In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires to get pregnant while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.

It’s denying feelings at the core. I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.