eddie

Why Do Happy Couples Suddenly Fall Out Of Love?

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Knowing Why is Helpful

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie

7 Personality Traits You Need to Survive a Break-Up

By eddie

Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful break up, I noticed a strong shift in different areas of my life. I’d become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved – I was simply able to enjoy life more.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well.

Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea of what a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort – with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 Most Important Traits for Overcoming a Break Up Fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from break ups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.

Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we are able to break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.

Persons who practiced meditation and other mind-controlling techniques before the break up were in a better position to handle these situations.

4. High Self-Esteem

Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then a separation would of course be a drastic experience for you.

It is very important to develop a natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a break up or divorce.

To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.

5. Having an Extroverted Personality

You can divide mankind in two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.

I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break ups much easier.

They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a break up.

Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is very difficult to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.

6. Being the Action-Type

How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action-solution type, or do you tend to hide yourself away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where the humanity divides in two types.

Of course we all know that it’s better to be a problem solver, unfortunately this doesn’t make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it’s possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.

The action-type personality suffers much less from break ups or divorces. Taking action drives away fears.

7. Experience in the Dating-Game

“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a break up.

If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game”, then you have a crucial advantage: You don’t have to pose this question to yourself – you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs, when you are ready. You’d know how it’s done.

This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.

What is the magic formula for overcoming a break up, you might ask?

It is understanding where your personal problems are and reacting upon them. It is developing the traits for surviving a break up or divorce faster and easier.

That’s what I do in my personal coaching.

You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.

You alone have the key for your wellbeing. Use it.

Can A Break Up Actually Be A Good Thing?

By eddie

For most people, a break up or divorce is the most excruciating experience they have had in their lives. It is like losing a part of yourself, a part which is vital for your very survival.

What if I tell you that your break up can actually be a good thing?

What if I tell you that it is an opportunity to find your real self and evaluate your position in life, the ultimate test for life’s upcoming challenges?

The only thing you have to do is to take the right fork in the road when standing at the crossroad.

Why do we suffer so much after a break up?

The usual break up or divorce starts in the same manner: the partner leaves, one way or the other.

How the one left behind copes with this experience is determined by 3 main factors:

1. The nature of the relationship to their partner
2. The expectation they had of the relationship
3. Their personality and personal experiences

A break up is a devastating experience for everyone. Whether or not the person left behind will suffer beyond the borders of normality depends on their expectations and experiences. The healing depends on their ability to face these factors. If they can “look into the core”, identify their behavior and fix their problems, then the healing will take place and there will be improvement in other areas of their life as well.

A break up discloses mercilessly all our weaknesses and hidden pain we have carried around since childhood. We must seize the chance to uncover and get rid of them once and for all.

A case study of two broken hearts

Case no. 1 – Kevin:

When his wife left him after 3 years of marriage, Kevin was devastated. He called in sick for work and didn’t leave the apartment where they used to live for about 6 weeks. He felt as if the very reason for his existence just vanished. He completely lost his center and will for life. All he could think of was the life he had. Although he knew that his marriage was definitely over, he could not stop wishing she would come back. This thought was the very spark of his life and his so called existence.

After 6 weeks, the initial shock was gone and he slowly started to ask himself where he was headed. He felt he was walking on a thin line towards a crossroad: to his left and right was a deep and dark abyss. He knew that he had to choose which road to follow, and this decision would determine his future life.

So he finally walked out of his apartment, met some friends, spoke with them about his fears and the way he felt. He did some research, and with the help of a friend, who is a psychotherapist, he discovered the main source of his problems: a strong lack of self-esteem and self-love.

His life had been happy because his beautiful wife gave meaning and value to his life. His happiness came from outside, rather than from the inside.

Through the coaching of his friend and a disciplined self-study, he not only overcame the divorce, but also remarkably improved his quality of life. Everything seemed to have changed: his relationships with others, his progress at work, his attitude towards women, his life goals.

He had become an entirely new person.

Case no. 2 – Julia:

Like Kevin, Julia was devastated. Her boyfriend left her in a very rude way: he sent her a text-message stating that it was over and that he had found somebody else. Needless to say, Julia suffered exceptionally. She had put all her hope into this relationship and planned on getting married. Her previous relationships had all been disastrous, from cheating to abusive boyfriends.

Unlike Kevin, she didn’t lock herself up in her flat. She partied for days, avoiding being alone. After one month of destructive behavior, she refused to talk to anyone about her experience, even not to her best friend she had known since high school.

Unable to be alone, she took drugs and alcohol to bridge over the times when nobody could go out with her.

After 4 months in agony, she met this interesting man who made her feel good. Suddenly her life was back on track again. She fell in love, and they quickly moved in together and lived comparably happy.

Julia was pleased… until the next break up hit her without mercy.

What is the difference between Kevin and Julia?

Was Kevin smarter than Julia? Of course not. Did Julia suffer more than Kevin? No, their pain was comparable.

The difference between them was the ability to identify their weak points and the willingness to make the necessary changes.

Kevin realized the inescapable necessity of taking the right path at the right moment. He was prepared to face the pain and invested time for his healing as opposed to letting himself go and avoid the pain.

Julia chose to jump into a new relationship right away rather than face her problems. She was caught in a vicious cycle.

Of course, Kevin had the luck to find the competent help and certainly, Julia had a bad childhood, but both had a choice.

The choice for a better life.

There are many Julias out there right now with similar cases. I hope they all will realize eventually that in order to change their lives, they have to take their break ups or divorces as opportunities and not as a burden.

Use your break up to look deep into your own abyss and face the monster inside.

If you can’t do it alone, get the help you need.