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Single and Valentine’s Day – Make it Fun!

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I recall vividly my first Valentine’s Day as a widow, four years ago. I knew there would be no one to buy a small chocolate gift for, nor was there a gift to be received from my husband who had passed away nine months before. Knowing how special days can weigh on someone who is facing them alone, especially for the first time, I decided to think ahead and create my own day of fun.

Thinking about various ways I could spend the day, I settled on celebrating in a low-key manner with close friends. I felt I really didn’t need to be alone on a day when most couples celebrate or think of each other, thus reminding me of what I didn’t have. And since my kids were older, they were off on their own adventures.

A Single Gal’s Plan Of Action

After deciding on a plan of action, and unwilling to spend the day alone, I treated myself and invited two girlfriends out to dinner with me. It was a way to be with others who I cared about and I knew cared about me. It was also a way to bring some light-hearted normalcy to my social life, which was seriously lacking.
I had turned down several dinner invitations during the cold winter months and holidays. I had tended to isolate myself, so our dinner was an unexpected delight – an enjoyable evening of conversation and laughter, something I hadn’t experienced in some time.

I talked and connected with two people who I’d known for some years, and to whom I’d grown closer since the loss of my husband. By dinner’s end I was thankful that I’d thought ahead to create new memories, and thankful for the support of my friends. It felt good to laugh again, a simple joy. Afterwards, we went to see a movie, a lighthearted comedy that brought up more laughter.

Finding Joy And Laughter This Valentine’s Day

At the end of the evening, once I was back in my own home, I remembered that in grief, or divorce, we are missing an important part of what once was — but it doesn’t mean there has to be an absence of joy and laughter in our lives. You can smile again, even if at first it’s only one evening at a time.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day – open yourself to joy and laughter. It’s not reserved for those who have never lost; it is there for everyone if we keep our minds and hearts ready for the life that comes our way.

Single Mother Raising Boys, Oh, My!

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My kids were 11, 18 and 19 when their father died. Many days I felt at a loss as to how to help my boys deal with their grief.

How Death Affects The Kids

My oldest son moved away from home, no doubt attempting to establish his independence. Emotionally, I had a very difficult time with this. He was living in a dumpy apartment and associating with people I didn’t know and appeared to have embraced a partying lifestyle.

Even though my 18 year old remained at home, he became distant, leaving me to wonder what was going on inside. I knew intuitively he was as wounded as I felt, but he refused to acknowledge or share anything.

My youngest would cling to me, emotionally and physically. He once asked what would happen if I died also. I reassured him I expected to live a long time, but reassured him that his aunt would take care of him if something did happen to me. What do you say? I admit that for a short while I feared something would happen to me also.

Dealing With Life

Day-to-day living was sometimes excruciating, but there was no getting away from it, life had to be dealt with. The first two and a half years I would never want to relive, but we all came through it, handling each day not always perfectly, but the best we could at the time.

Hopefully we all learned from the mistakes and moved forward. As a parent, you don’t want to see your kids hurting or making the wrong choices, but ultimately, it’s not up to you.

My kids and I grew through the last several years, and perhaps the best thing learned was that life does go on. No one can ever say life after loss is easy, but that’s just life; sometimes it smacks you when you don’t see it coming. If we’re lucky, we rise to the occasion in the best way we know how.

Life wounds each of us in various ways, it’s how we come out of the wounding that tells the truest sense of who we are, or can be.

As a mother raising boys, I’ve found it’s a work in progress, but if we meet the challenges and do the best we can, that’s all we can ask of ourselves.

The Best Years are Yet to Be, if You Allow It…

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Recently I was asked to describe the best years of my life. When I was younger, I remember summers going on seemingly forever. What wonderful times, playing tag or touch football until dark with the neighborhood kids, staying out until you had to come inside to take a bath and jump into bed. Endless, wonderfully carefree summer days.

Marriage and Babies

Marriage and the subsequent birth of my three boys followed. Each of their births is etched indelibly upon my memory. My oldest arrived two weeks early, dark haired and perfect, a little miniature human being. Always active and a handful, but a wonderful, compassionate person who turned 24 this year.

My middle son arrived screaming, as if he could hardly wait to enter the world. He was the head banger. If he fell, he always managed to hit his head. Following his speedy arrival, he’s been laid back ever since and has a wonderful, dry sense of humor. That was a memorable 22 years ago.

My youngest son was a real surprise when I discovered myself pregnant at 35. We were whisked into the delivery room with only twenty minutes to spare. He arrived screaming, eager to see what was going on. I’ll never forget the moment my husband looked at me and said, “You make beautiful babies.” That beautiful baby is now 16.

The best years and memories are scattered so delightfully throughout my life, and most center around family. At times the images arrive in vivid, fresh detail, as if I’m looking at a photo album.

The Unthinkable

When my husband died, there was a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say “the best years of my life” again. I felt stuck, emotions running from lonely and confused to isolated. I tried to understand, but many days I felt as if I was drifting with no purpose or passion.

In a gradual process, the darkness lifted. Five years later, I realize there are many days that I will be able to look back and say, “These are some of the best years of my life.” I have become so much more empowered from the experiences I’ve been given, managing to take something good out of each “sad” experience.

I now find it exciting, knowing there is so much before me, and some of the best years of my life are yet to come.

Been Out of the Dating Game for A While? Here Are Some Pointers That Will Save You Time And Heartache

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You’re a widow, divorced or caught in the midst of life’s circumstances. Perhaps you’d never thought this would happen to you at this time of your life, being alone.

Maybe you’re alone by choice but not really sure if you want to remain that way. There are plenty of choices of where to go from here, but the tough part is making the one that’s right for you.

If you’ve been out of dating a number of years, you may find the dating scene has changed considerably.

I hadn’t dated for 25 when I stumbled back in. I experienced a wide array of emotions; shock, dismay, impatience, annoyance and even moments of wonder.

Some Pointers That May Save You Time and Pain

Learn to recognize those who are “takers” – those who want a physical relationship and nothing more. If you’re also looking for a noncommittal relationship, this may work for you. However, be aware that once intimacy enters a relationship, the rules change. Many times it leaves the door open for attachment and ultimately, unfulfilled expectations if one party leaves.

Unsafe and Unprotected Sex

We tell our children to use condoms and practice safe sex. We owe ourselves the same. Educate yourself on sexually transmitted diseases and how to avoid them.

A Free Meal is Only a Free Meal If…

If you are treated, there’s no obligation other than a gracious thank you. If you don’t feel a connection with someone, offer to pay for your portion of the check.

Abusive Relationships

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, whether verbal, mental or physical. Walk away. Don’t hold false hope that things will get better.

Smooth Talkers

We all know at least one, don’t we? They’ve had a lot of practice to talk their way through just about anything and anyone. Do I need to say more?

Needy Relationships

Everyone likes to feel needed from time to time, but if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly bailing someone out, save yourself the stress and your wallet.

Emotionally Unavailable Individuals (Surface Daters)

They talk a good game, but can’t deliver any lasting commitment or anything beyond the immediate moment. They have a difficult time offering support in any substantial way, show no real caring in you as an individual, nor do they exhibit a real interest in sticking around.

These relationships (for want of a better word) start fast and fizzle shortly thereafter.

Clinging and unwarranted jealously might feel empowering at first, but be cautious about being sucked into a relationship based on this type of need. Do you seriously want to be in a relationship where your every move is questioned and up for inspection?

Dating Can Do a Number on Your Self-Confidence

In today’s world dating can take a hard shot at your self-confidence. You begin to wonder if the right person will ever come along. You’ve done your best to be proactive. Everyone says you’re intelligent, attractive… and yet you’re still batting zero on the dating scene. Is it you or is it everyone else? It may be a combination of both.

As a widow of almost five years, I’ve found what worked best for me was pursuing my own interests. Involve yourself in activities and work that stimulates you, instead of placing that burden on a prospective partner. When you feel more whole as an individual, you might just find that perfect someone popping up into your life when you least expect it.

How To Start Living (and Dating) Again After The Death Of Your Partner

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As a widow of almost five years I know how hard it is to pick yourself up after the loss of a spouse. In the early days it’s sometimes difficult just getting out of bed.

You wonder if that numbness will ever recede or will your life remain a monotonous series of nothing-ness. Eventually, a new normal will creep into your life, and a healing can take place, if you allow it.

Dating Can Be Fun!

Dating again can be a wonderful experience, if you decide that is the right course for you. Whether you’re looking for another partner or still undecided, there are some exciting ways you can create a life that is rewarding for YOU.

Try something a little different each week. Start out easy and don’t set yourself up for defeat.

How to Create a New Life

Go to lunch by yourself for the first time. I recall the first time I did this after my husband’s death. I live in a small town and was sure everyone who knew me was staring at me since I felt so self-conscious. Bring something to read while you wait for your food order, even if it’s just your mail.

Have you been invited out but declined social events or dinners because you’re solo and know everyone else will be paired up? Go anyway. If you think you’ll feel awkward, ask if you can bring a girlfriend.

Don’t wait for someone else to jumpstart your life. Take charge, even if you’re only moving ahead at a snail’s place.

Take Charge!

Call up a girl or guy friend and meet for a movie. Many times I’ve gone by myself. Either way is fine, just know you don’t need someone else to have a great time. Get yourself out of that rut and invest in you.

Do you like to dance? Check out places around town or in the neighboring towns that offer dance lessons, no partner needed.

How about that pottery or water color class you always thought would be interesting? Look into instruction at your local colleges, art stores or artist colony.

Be Active

If you’re an outdoors person maybe you’d like to research some hiking trails. There’s plenty of clubs that cater to various levels of hiking endurance and ability. Again, check your local sporting goods store bulletin or ask around.

Cross country skiing, snow shoeing, horseback riding. There are all kinds of fun things to do.  If you prefer a slower pace, how about meeting with friends for a walk a few times a week?

Find Out What’s Available Near You

Have you ever asked yourself if it would be fun to go canoeing or kayaking? I live near a state owned park and they rent kayak and canoes on the weekend. Kayaking is a glorious, freeing experience, out on the water in the middle of a lake or paddling down a creek.

Go to a local sporting goods store and find out where there are classes or groups that meet for kayaking. You won’t be sorry.

How about traveling? Is it too scary a prospect going alone? There’s plenty of groups that cater to singles, whether you want to hike, bike, kayak or just take in the sights in a leisurely fashion.  Do a search on the internet for “vacation tours” or “singles vacation packages”.

How about some relaxing time at the beach? The last few years I’ve found affordable rentals in the off season on east coast beach vacations. Invite a friend or two and your relaxing vacation can cost you as little as $600 with airfare.

Off-season the weather may be a little cooler, but there are still many sunny days. Recently two writer friends and I rented a beach house and we split our time between writing, reflecting, relaxing and laughing.

Try Something Indoors

If you’re more of an inside person, check out local chess, knitting, quilt or crochet groups. Go visit the nearest craft store.  It’s amazing what is available whether you like designing your own projects or creating a masterpiece from a kit. Activities that you enjoy engage not only your hands but also your mind.

Have you thought about volunteering to deliver meals to seniors or helping out at a nursing home once a week?

Yes, it’s difficult when you first get out there, but each time you venture out, it does get easier. You’ll make new friends and find new adventures. Who knows, you may find the next love of your life, but it may never happen if you close yourself off from the joy of living a fulfilling life. We all deserve a good life, so open your arms to the one that will bring you happiness.