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Will You Be a Victim This Break-Up Season?

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Valentine’s Day is just over a month away but according to new research from Yahoo! Personals, Cupid is charting a tricky course for the next few weeks.

The study shows we are now in National Break-Up Season, the period between the December holidays and Valentine’s Day when people are more than twice as likely to think about breaking up than at any other time of the year.

January, with all its focus on resolutions to be healthier, richer, and happier, naturally leads couples to take stock of their relationships and think about whether they are with the right person. Love is in the air alright, but not for everyone…

According to Yahoo!Personals,  nearly 4 out of 10 people will reassess their dating life.

"’Find a new love’ is up there with ‘lose weight’ and ‘save more money’ as a New Year’s resolution," said Anna Zornosa, vice president and general manager, Yahoo! Personals. "People tend to ‘put up’ with current relationships in order to have a partner for holiday gatherings, but once the festivities are over it’s time to decide whether to fish or cut bait."

National Break-Up Season affects not only people ending the relationships but also those being left and the friends who will be asked to console and counsel them. Looking at break-ups from all sides of the story, Yahoo! Personals has created a Survival Guide offering advice on how to make a break-up less painful for everyone.

Here’s what you’ll find at http://personals.yahoo.com/breakupguide:

  • The ultimate guide to beating the break-up blues This helpful guide is jam-packed with tips from psychologists, dating experts and fellow singles to help get that pit out of your stomach, heal the wounds and fill the void.
  • 10 steps to breaking it off Is she too controlling? Is he too aloof? Too allergic to your dog? Whatever the imbalance, we have the official step-by-step guide to ending the drama and the relationship on as high a note as possible.
  • How to support your friend though the rough patch A shoulder to cry on is a nice place to start. But how do you know exactly what your heart-broken friend needs in order to move on? We have the answers so that you can help.

Click here to read the full press release on Business Wire.

If you do find yourself in the middle of a break up, here are 5 things that we think will help.

  1. Get a journal to vent your pain, anger, and frustration.
    Never under estimate of putting your thoughts on paper.  It allows to get your feelings out of your head and prevents them from eating you alive from the inside out. It can keep you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. Write out all of those nasty things that you would like to say in your journal instead – you’ll feel just as good and will avoid any unnecessary altercations with your EX. 
  2. Don’t try to stay friends – at least not at first…
    In the beginning, you both need time to heal and truly get over the relationship. Trying to be friends during this stage, will only cause you to hold on to those old feelings. If you have obligations that require you to stay in contact like children or your job, don’t talk about your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know may be a volatile topic. Keep your conversations relevant to your children or work and away from highly those charged emotional topics. 
  3. Delete them from your life.
    Delete their phone number from your speed dial, delete all of their emails, cards, and letters. We recommend that you get rid of anything and everything in your home that holds any energy or emotional charge from the relationship. Everything that your keep ties your energy to theirs and will make it very difficult to attract new experiences, and new people, into your life. 
  4. Give yourself time to heal.
    Don’t jump right into another relationship to fill the emptiness that you may now be feeling. Allow yourself time to experience the pain and feel the anger. Understand that you are not your anger and you are not your sadness. They are just experiences, however intense, that should be welcomed into your life just as much as joy and happiness. We need these experience to grow and to become stronger. The best way to get over something hurtful is to allow yourself to truly experience it. Here is a terrific program that has helped both Dan and I get rid of tons of old emotional baggage: The Sedona Method  
  5. Focus on you.
    Take the time right after a break-up to examine your life. Get in tough with what’s really important to you.  Often in a relationship, especially a long term relationship, our passions and goals get intermingled with our partner’s. Sometimes, we can even forget the things that we really love and enjoy.   Here’s a great resource to help you get back in touch with your true passions: The Passion Test

Is it OK to Have Sex for the Sake of REALLY Good Sex… With No Relationship Commitments?

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The Question:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old daughter. I’m 35 and he’s 28. He is now seeing a 22 year old girl for the use of her truck – I believe. He says that he still loves me (maybe just for the sex) and we have continued to have sex since breaking up. He is, however, very irresponsible in a relationship. The sex is great between us and I have a hard time turning him down because I do still love him. I think that I may want him back because I can’t stand to see him with someone else or to think that he is sleeping with another person.

Should I stay with him just for the sex? Or should I make him make a choice of getting no sex unless he’s willing to make the relationship work between us? What should I do?

The Answer: Our answer to this question may seem controversial to some, but here goes…

What is a relationship?

A relationship can be defined as “a state of connectedness between people”. Because of the fact that the two of you have a child together, you will always have a parental relationship and parental responsibilities. The choice that each of you have to make is what type of relationship you want in addition to being the parents of your daughter.

Here are just a few ideas:

An intimate relationship is a relationship with a great deal of physical and/or emotional intimacy – romantic or passionate love and attachment with or without sex.

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as “friends with benefits”) is the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

Friendship, is a relationship that results when two people have found a common ground and consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance of one another.

I recommend that the two of you have a heart to heart, open and honest discussion about what you both want and are willing to accept around your relationship as adults and your relationship as parents.

It is critical to check your ego at the door.

We have been known to use a code word or a physical object to use as a flag when someone’s ego starts flaring up. Once that happens, any intelligent conversation is over. If someone’s ego takes over the conversation (you’ll know when this happens by tone and number of snipes the other person starts making), take a 15 minute break in separate rooms to allow yourselves to cool down. And then resume the conversation.

A brief discussion on jealousy.

Jealousy can be defined as “a boundary-setting custom developed for limiting sexual access to those relationships that a group defines as important.” It’s that feeling of fear, suspicion, or envy over something you perceive as your possession.

I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment here…

In modern society, many people mistake a romantic relationship, for a purchase contract. If we could simply understand that we do not and should not ‘own’ or try to control another person, there would be no jealously.

Jealousy is a very primitive emotion based entirely on fear and the desire to control other people and their actions – When in reality, the only real control that we have is over ourselves and our actions.

Jealousy and fear are engrained in our society and encouraged by governments and religions to exercise control over the population. That’s why when you get married, you sign a “marriage contract“, to take possession of your spouse… (I warned you this was going to be a little controversial.)

Here’s an idea. Try replacing jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love in all of your relationships. You’ll be much happier in all areas of your life once you let go of fear and wanting to control others. Really – give it a try…

Staying with him just for sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for the sake of good sex! IF you’re both emotionally mature enough to enjoy it without feeling guilty or trying to make the other person feel guilty.

Take a step back to understand the reasons that you want to have sex with each other. Are you trying to fill an emotional void? Trying to hold on to previous feeling about each other? Do you simply enjoy it? What are your personal reasons? Make sure they resonate true to you and actually bring you joy. Don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

Making him choose between sex and relationship.

My advice on this one – Don’t ever push a man, or anyone else, into a corner by forcing a decision like that, they’ll run every time :-).

Instead, take some time to REALLY get to know each other on an honest and very deep level. This is that heart to heart discussion that I mentioned at the beginning.

If you can’t be honest with each other, you lose from the beginning.

In summary…

  • Spend some time with yourself to understand what you really want out of the relationship.
  • Talk to each other openly and honestly about what type of relationship your both want and will agree upon – and stick to it.
  • Replace jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love.

Relationship Secrets… Should I Have Told Her?

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The Question: I’ve been seeing a girl for 4 months. We were serious but she started teaching and wanted to take it down a notch because she is under so much stress from the internship and she has anxiety attacks and is on medication for them. I found out today that another reason she can’t be serious with me is that I get mad at things she thinks I shouldn’t.

During the 4 months we have been seeing each other I’ve kept it a secret that I have anger issues from a head injury I got a couple of years ago. This injury left me with small lesions that affected my mood, memory, and some motor and thinking skills. Even though I’ve been through therapy for it and have gotten somewhat better, I hate telling girls, or anyone else, because I don’t want to use it as a crutch or a sympathy card.

I got so worried after tonight that she was seriously going to dump me that I sent her an email telling her of my ailment. The last girl I dated and told her about it kinda disappeared, so I’m a bit scared what she will do because I really like this girl. I just couldn’t let her keep thinking that I’m a jerk when my anger is only so much in my control.

Should I have told her about the lesions and how they affect me or should I have kept my mouth shut? 

The Answer:

Whether you should have told her or not doesn’t really matter since you already told her. What’s done is done. As a rule I never regret absolutely anything. You can choose to learn from all your choices and experiences and do something different next time, but stay away from regret and self doubt. They only hurt you and lead to uncertainty, which leads to more regrets. 🙂

But keep this in mind for the future… You should always talk about a serious or emotional topic in person, never on the phone or via email. In an emotional situation like this, if you really need to get it off your chest, type up that email and then save it in draft or delete it all together. You’ll feel better and will still have the opportunity to let things cool and have a calm chat in person.

From my perspective, full disclosure is a must if you’re considering a long term committed relationship with someone. Otherwise, secrets (small or large) seem to create a heaviness over the relationship because you’re always wondering if the other person will find out. Most likely, your partner will find out anyway because secrets have a way of coming out eventually.

It is however a good idea to wait to share certain intimate details until it looks like the relationship is actually going somewhere. Picture going on a first date with someone and you both go through a laundry list of countless little things that "the other person should know". Most of those are completely irrelevant if you don’t build a relationship. Unless you have a firm foundation and you truly want to be together, none of that stuff really matters… and it could torpedo your chances of getting to know each other.

Regardless of any disability, she was attracted to the person you are today, and the person you’ve been for those four months. Period.

Your best chance to salvage the relationship and keep her is to confront the anger problem aggressively. Start a new anger management therapy program, or whatever else you think will work, and include her. But definitely take action to make it better. That way she’ll see that you truly care for her and you’re serious about making her happy and being with her.

Second Date Ideas… Keeping it Fun and Exciting after the First Date

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The Question: I have a second date with a special girl. I live in the Cleveland Ohio area. I found a place we can go to see x-mas lights on a horse-drawn wagon. She has a daughter and I’m thinking she is ready to settle down.  I really like her and I’m ready to settle down. Do you think that the horse drawn wagon is a good idea and not too pushy or romantic?

The Answer:

The horse drawn carriage ride definitely sounds romantic and also very thoughtful. Everyone goes to dinner at some fancy place on their first dates – that’s not special. She’ll appreciate that you actually came up with something creative and romantic.

If you want to stand out from the crowd, always strive to be yourself, to be different… Don’t go on the same dates everyone else goes on, and don’t copy what everyone else does. Do something exciting and memorable, and most importantly – have fun.

Fun and happiness is extremely infections… people just can’t get enough.

One caveat… if she seems at all uncomfortable around you, then it may be best to take her to a more public place place like a restaurant. That way she won’t spend the evening with her guard up and the two of you should have a lot more fun. That’s usually more of a first date issue, but still keep it in mind.

In the end, you two will have to decide together. Tell her what you’re planning and let her choose what she’s most comfortable with. Better yet, brainstorm some ideas together, and come up with fun ideas for future dates. That way you’re way more likely to reach third date and beyond. 🙂

A word of caution on the topic of settling down… you’re not there yet. Don’t rush it. If you’re too focused on the end goal of “setting down” you could sabotage the relationship before it takes off by being too pushy or needy. When the time is right and you’re more comfortable around each other (you’ll know when that is…) – talk openly about how you both honestly feel about settling down. Make sure that you have that conversation in a neutral, no pressure environment and be prepared to listen to what the other person has to say.

Take this one day and one date at a time. Enjoy your time with her now and see how your relationship grows and evolves.

You’re definitely on the right track… keep it creative and exciting and fun.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent guide 300 Creative Dates.

Friends After Break Up… Why Won’t He Return My Calls?

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The Question: Last year Jim and I dated for a month then broke up. We’ve known each other for 4 years and after the break up last year we still remained friends. And then, this year in April we got back together again but he broke up with me about a month ago. He said he never wants to see or speak to me. Please tell me why he suddenly doesn’t want to be friends? Please help me because I need to know this to get over him.

The Answer:

There are many reasons why he may no longer want to be friends.

Here are some possible reasons why some find it difficult to stay friends after a breakup…

  1. He may need time to heal emotionally. It could be painful to see you.
  2. He may be seeing someone else and fears that being friends with you may jeopardize his new relationship.
  3. If the breakup was difficult, he may be angry at you and need some time to cool off.
  4. Being around you may bring up emotions and feelings that he’s trying to suppress.

It could be one of these or a hundred other different reasons and you’ll make yourself crazy trying to guess what that reason is. In the end, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter because it’s an emotional decision, not a logical decision. When we try to identify the ‘why’, what we’re really doing is trying to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision. If you stop and think about this for just a moment, you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense to even try. So whatever the reasons, he’s decided that the two of you can’t be together and you need to face that and move forward with your life.

If you continue to try to figure it out, you’ll just end up blaming and finding all kinds of faults with yourself, which will in turn make you miserable. If you keep pushing him, you could end up spoiling any chance of a future friendship.

So STOP! Yes, right now. It’s time for you to move on with your life and find happiness.

One of the best ways to get over the pain of a relationship that has ended is to get back out there and date some new people – find that connection again.

Contrary to what some people think, we don’t believe it’s necessary to be miserable and alone for a certain period of time after a breakup just to avoid the rebound zone. Being lonely and alone won’t make you or anyone else happy. It’s almost like punishing yourself for no reason.

But what about these rebound relationships that we’re always hearing about? Don’t people warn you to stay away from rebound relationships?

Well, yes and no. Just be aware that when you break up with someone it’s very common to find someone that’s the exact opposite of the last person you were with. More specifically, the exact opposite of whatever you think didn’t like about your previous partner. This is good and bad. It’s good because experiencing many different types of people and relationships allows you to better identify the exact type of person who is really right for you. It’s bad because, this new ‘opposite’ person may also be opposite in all of the things that you actually liked about your previous partner. Just keep this in mind as you find yourself attracted to new people. Stop and ask yourself what it is that you like about him or her and make sure that it’s not just that they are ‘not’ like your previous partner.

By the way, if you do prefer to be alone for a while that’s OK too. It’s your life; you make the rules. Do what feels right in your heart.

Trying to figure out why your last relationship ended isn’t going to help you, it’s only going to make you miserable. So, keep an open mind, call up some friends, and go meet some new people. Listen to the advice of those you trust most and then always, always follow your heart even if it goes against their advice. You are in control of your destiny and what’s right for them may not be what’s right for you.