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Start Dating Your Way Into A Great Relationship

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Because of who I am, people ask me for dating advice frequently. I certainly have some favorite tips I like to hand out to those in need. So whether you’ve come back to the dating world after a breakup or divorce, or just after an extended break from romance, try these tips to get you on the right path to finding and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Declutter Yourself

  • To learn what you DO want, define what you DON’T want. Everyone has some things that are non-negotiable – some people won’t tolerate smoking, others won’t tolerate gambling, and so forth. To learn how to make an effective list of deal-breakers, get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.
  • Prepare yourself for your new relationship everyday by doing little things to de-clutter your soul. It’s time to start letting go of all those old love letters and photos that only remind you of heartbreak. Start looking toward your future and be ready for love!
  • Desperation doesn’t look good on anyone. No matter how desperate you may feel inside, rushing into things at the first sign of chemistry is not likely to end well. Remember the last time you were head-over-heels about someone and did a bunch of stupid things you now wish you hadn’t? This time around you have an opportunity to do things differently: think it through. Something SEEMING perfect is a lot different from it actually BEING perfect.

Attract The Right Kind Of People

  • Starting off with “sexy” may seem like a smart move, but is that really how you want people to value you?
  • You are a human being, not a product in a display window. Don’t go out there trying to sell who you are.
  • Relax and know that there is enough love out there for all of us, plenty to go around and around. So smile! You don’t have to compete with anyone to come out a winner in this game. There’s plenty of love out there that everyone can win.
  • Put off that urge to merge until you’ve found out some vital things – what are this person’s relationship goals? Where do they see you fitting into that framework? Jumping into bed is not going to create a foundation if one wasn’t there to begin with.
  • You want to aim for a balance in the flow between give and take. You bring certain things to the party to offer; what does the other person bring? Knowing this right from the beginning can help you avoid a situation where you’re doing all the giving all the time, and they’re doing all the taking.
  • Aim to be with someone who likes the kind of person you really are. I used to think I would attract a greater number of people by trying to be what I thought people wanted, but the key to finding someone who fit me well was to embrace my true self, and let that shine through to attract the right person!

Be Your Best Self

  • Notice how you act and how you feel when you’re around the person you like. Do they bring out your best qualities, or do they bring out some strange things you don’t even recognize as being you? There are some subtle differences between excitement and fear. There’s a difference between feeling energized, invigorated and refreshed, as opposed to anxious, unsure, and insecure.
  • Safety and integrity are important – don’t compromise on your core values! Use your common sense and take care.

But the best thing I could ever say to you, the advice that will see you through every trial and tribulation, is the one you can start putting into practice today: Great relationships begin within!

All Friends With No Benefits

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Spring has come around yet again, and you know what that means – less clothing, more flirting, and more fun!

Here are some tips to keep your fun from turning into disaster: First, remember to pay attention now or pay later. Keep your wits about you. Second, be honest with yourself whether the fun you’re having is worth the consequences, whatever they might be. Third, remember to use a condom! In the meantime, here are the answers to a couple of your questions.

I met this girl at school and ended up falling for her. However, at the time she had a boyfriend who was moving to France. I saw her a couple of times before they officially broke up and then asked her out on a date. She said yes, then flaked on me twice (both times legitimate-ish reasons such as her grandparents’ anniversary do and something else).

We eventually went out a couple of times and texted each other a bit, then suddenly after our second date when I kissed her goodnight on the cheek she didn’t text me for over a week and just ignored my email (I tried to contact her three times). Then she started to talk again and we have seen each other about every two weeks since. I have kissed her on the cheek a couple of times and once on the lips, but that’s it.

When we are out we have such a good time and get along great, and although there is not much physical contact she flirts back. She has since then invited me to go on holiday with her and her family. I’m just not sure where I stand. Are we going out? Her old bf is in a relationship but she isn’t going out with anyone else and never talks about other guys with me. On Valentine’s Day I gave her a card and chocolates, and she gave me the same. She lets me pay for coffees and other things like that. But my question is: Who am I to her, a friend or a boyfriend?

—James, UK

Ah, James, it’s so cute to hear about people giving each other cards and chocolates on Valentine’s day… if those people are kids! You’re an adult now, so it’s time to start using your words to say what you mean, and to find out where you stand. All you have to do is ask her what she wants, and be straightforward about what you want. She’ll appreciate you not playing games, and in the process you’ll learn whether there’s any mileage in pursuing her or not. But here’s a tip: if you’re not getting any clear signs from her, chances are it’s because she’s not that into you, so prepare yourself.

Every time I meet someone and we wind up liking each other, it always turns out she just wants me as a friend. Even though they all tell me they would date me. Is there any way I can stop winding up the “best friend?”

—Nick, US

There are so many benefits to having a girlfriend, including all the public displays of affection, hugging, kissing, and the wonderful feeling of having someone you’re exclusive with. To get that, you need to look at what you’ve done so far, and compare it to what you should be doing if you want to get that extra step further. Knowing what to do differently can be tricky with women, mostly because our concern for our own safety over the past two millennia has prevented us from having the liberty to come out and say exactly what we want.

Ensuring success in dating is not that different from ensuring success in any other area. You have to define what you want, make a clear plan for getting it, and execute your plan. Remember that what you want is a dating relationship with one girl who meets your criteria – not friendships with a lot of different girls. So find a girl that you’re interested in dating, and ask her on an actual DATE. Girls are keenly aware of the the difference between a date and just hanging out, so if you use that specific word, she won’t be in any doubt as to your intentions. After a few dates, she should have given you a real kiss, or at the very least some very clear signs as to whether or not she’s into being more than friends.


Heart Smart Decisions – The Inner View

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Here’s something I say quite often: you must learn to use your head before you give up your body, so that you don’t break your heart. While it sounds simple and straightforward in theory, most of us only learn this lesson after getting our hearts broken again and again. The problem is that when infatuation kicks in, it’s a pretty strong magnet, and often we interpret it as a sign that our Happily Ever After is on its way into our hearts again. So in many ways, it is not the other person who breaks your heart, but rather yourself. Love is something that happens internally, inside yourself. You share that energy with the person you love, and when the energy changes back from a two-person entity to a one-person entity, the change is painful. So how can you avoid that?

Learn What You Want And What You Don’t Want

Well, you can’t. Not the answer you were hoping for? Unfortunately, that’s just something we all have to deal with, just like the sun rising and setting everyday. No matter how much you want it to stop, it won’t, and unless you’re going to spend your life chasing down crazy ways to try to get the sun to do your bidding (like so many of us do with love), then you’ll just need to learn to accept that heartache is a part of the process of learning what you want and what you don’t want.

In my case, I had plenty of opportunities to learn these things, over and over again. I felt like my heart had been snapped in two hundreds of times by love, and by men. I felt like I had nothing else to dream about or to aim for, and that every time I took a chance on love again, it would just end up in sadness and abandonment. So after a lot of soul-searching, I decided to stop looking for the magic perfect relationship, and start looking for what I really wanted instead: someone who would be true to me, who would not ignore me, who would not dispose of me, and who would treat me with the love and respect I deserved.

You Deserve Love And Respect

And after many years and lots of looking, I did finally find that love and respect. What was both frustrating and enlightening, though, was that it was right here tho whole time – inside of myself, in my own heart. I was looking for that true love in the arms of another; I was looking for it in the beds of men I thought would complete me. The big moment was when I realized that I’m already complete – this is the biggest lesson on the road to becoming heart-smart.

So, with that in mind, we can now aim to share ourselves selectively with others who have similar values, people who know that a healthy relationship includes not just attraction, but real compatibility and respect. It’s time to give up chasing the sun and concentrate on getting heart-smart!

 Here are five tips to get you started:

 1. Seek the higher truth – you may feel that true love is something “out there,” but you need to learn and accept that it’s inside of you.

2. Given that sex automatically leads to feelings of expectation and bonding, you need to take a step back and think before taking that giant leap forward.

3. Treat the true love inside yourself accordingly – don’t compromise your integrity, your desires, and especially your safety.

4. Remember that FEELING love and being with the right person are not necessarily the same thing. That feeling can steer you wrong if you’re not smart about it.

5. Your mind is your servant; use it to develop a habit of self-inquiry so that you can best serve your soul.

How About A Greater Tomorrow Right Now?

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When we fall in love, we fall hard, and it seems to do something to our brains. We start out as reasonable, sensible people who act accordingly, and then all of a sudden we get hypnotized by this other person, and all reason and sense gets thrown away. Next thing we know, we’re bending our values and boundaries around to accommodate what we think this other person wants us to be, and then at some point when the dust of reconstruction settles, we’re left wondering which dumpster it was where we discarded ourselves.

While it’s interesting to sit and wonder, you’re probably busy trying to get back some of your freedom, so that you can take a step toward the future where you can feel good about who you are and find a good relationship. Instead of waiting for all that to happen then, here’s some advice to start living that greater tomorrow now.

Dear Maryanne,

“Should I just give up on him? My best friend and I have always been close. We always opened up to each other, and the way we act towards each other is, well, different. But there’s one catch–he’s gay. I decided to tell him how I felt, anyways. And guess what! He loves me too, ‘so much,’ and he couldn’t imagine never talking to me ever again. I’m his best friend.

So I realized he didn’t understand that much yet, and I decided to wait. But then one night came and something happened, he felt like no one loved or cared about him, so I opened up fully to him. I guess my friend talked to him, too, since he told me that she said we should both be together. I replied back telling him whatever he wants to do, it’s his choice. His answer was, ‘But I have a boyfriend.’

As long as he’s happy, I guess I’m happy too, right? I don’t want to be selfish. I always helped them whenever they had troubles, and not once did I ever tell his boyfriend what he did (he cheats).

Now I don’t know anymore. Like I said, he was gay. But later on, he said he’s getting to the point where it seems like gender doesn’t matter anymore. Today, he told me about this girl. And how he felt like he caused her brain cancer, and that he loved her. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to help but I was too depressed. Lately I’ve been having no feelings whatsoever. If I smile, it only lasts for a couple of minutes. I barely laugh anymore. The only emotions I receive are depression and anger.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore. At times he would say the sweetest things, like how most guys would tell the girls they love most? But then later it’s as if that never happened. I’m starting to believe he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t feel the same exact way. And me holding onto him is just hurting me even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

– Julie (15, Denton, Texas, USA)

Dear Julie,

I think you made a very astute observation: “me holding onto him is just hurting me even more.” I think you should definitely take your own advice on this one, put a stop to the fruitless waiting right now, today, and start getting on with healing yourself and preparing yourself to be ready for a healthy relationship with someone who can love you back in the way you love them. You already know that your best friend is never going to be what you want him to be (i.e. a straight man), and so every moment that you continue to wait for the impossible to happen is just one more step into self-delusion. Keeping yourself trapped in a dead end also prevents you from being emotionally available to explore other things, like loving yourself and finding out who you really are.

Letting go is painful, but that pain is temporary, unlike the endless pain you’re suffering now by hanging onto him. When you allow yourself to let go, you’re also opening yourself up to love again. And it will happen, but the great thing is that next time you’ll be able to choose someone who can love you back equally, in a situation where both of you are able to celebrate your true selves.

Dating And Mating Like A Rich Person – Without Spending A Penny!

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There are so many expenses tied to relationships and dating. Pretty much everything you do when you’re dating someone costs money. Meals, movie tickets, concert tickets, gas, new clothes, even hotels and plane tickets – it all adds up. And of course there’s the gifts to think about… lots and lots of expensive gifts.

And as you stay with someone longer and longer, their financial obligations seem to become as much your issue as theirs. You pay off your lover’s credit card so that they can relax and be happy. You help them with their rent, or child support payments, or even paying their taxes. And yet, so very few of us invest time in the one place that would probably help us salvage our souls – the therapist’s office!

Find Out Who Your Partner Really Is

Believe it or not, most relationships hit their high point after only six weeks. Once you’ve played your hand, slowly laying down your cards via texting, sex chat, perhaps even some real contact, and lots of insecurity, this person will eventually learn that you are only human, not the fantasy being they had imagined you to be, and the downward spiral begins. That is, if you don’t find out who they really are first and make the first move toward the door.

I was thinking that what would be ideal is if we formed our fantasies (and thus our search for reality) not based on bank balances or dress sizes, but on who people really are on the inside. That in itself may seem like a fantasy, but this is the millennium where things are really starting to turn around for us. More and more people are waking up and becoming self-aware, letting that higher consciousness override the biological drive to go all the way with the first mate that seems halfway reasonable. Our advantage over primates is that we have this inner ability to examine and contemplate our actions, to think about consequences before heading down the road that leads to disaster, and to have the freedom to choose not to take that road.

Stop Playing The Blame Game

This means we have the opportunity to turn humanity into something more evolved. Life is a gift, but it’s also a responsibility. For the first time, I’m really starting to be able to imagine a world in which we embrace this personal responsibility and let go of our blame game. We can choose to do the things that serve us well, and more importantly, choose not to do the things that damage us and damage others. We can stop looking outward for the answers, and turn within to find the contentment and bliss we are looking for. Gone will be the days when penises were said to rule men, and women were said to be slaves to PMS. We will no longer blame Mother Nature for our indiscretions – we will follow in the footsteps of those who dedicated their lives to following their true selves!

Love Doesn’t Cost A Thing

So, what does any of this have to do with the rituals of dating like a rich person? When you finally see the answer, you’ll wonder how you never noticed it before, even though it’s always been there before your eyes. The secret to dating and mating like you’re rich is to accept the truth that you are a unique expression of the divine, and you are the most valuable possession you will ever have. Your true affection is neither bought nor sold with money or desperate acts. You do not have anything to prove in order to deserve love, or to give love. The only person you need to love is yourself, and then send yourself out there to collide with the person who is the right match for your gift of love! And best of all, this happy ending comes at no cost to you whatsoever. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Great relationships begin within! If you want a guide on how to start this wonderful, loving relationship with yourself, and how to start down the road to ultimate awareness and higher consciousness, get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers today!