Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for maryannecomaroto

Tramps vs. Prostitutes

By

I’ve been noticing a somewhat disturbing trend in the way some women interpret their sense of power. It has to do with what used to be considered shameful, and downright humiliating, but now is common practice: admitting, or even advertising, that you’re the other woman and you’re having an affair with a married man.

Now, I myself have dated a married guy. It was many years ago, when I was young and immature, and I tried to convince myself that the things he was telling me were true. I wanted to believe that he was no longer sleeping with his wife, and that he would eventually leave her for me. I wanted to believe he would make good on his promise to marry me instead.

Who Is The Victim Here?

As you might imagine, there was a lot of anxiety and heartache that went along with this relationship, but what made it even more difficult to bear is that I felt I had to go through it alone. I was way too ashamed and frightened to share my indiscretions with anyone, and it sure as hell never occurred to me to call the newspapers and advertise what was going on. During all that time we struggled through our doomed relationship, I never would have dreamed of blowing the lid off everything. Something inside me knew that even though we were in love, and even though we told ourselves and each other that it would all work out eventually, we knew we had rung a bell we couldn’t un-ring, and that eventual disaster was the most likely scenario. And the greatest victim? His wife, of course. I often feel sad about the pain she had to go through because of what we did, and that was even without anyone else knowing about it.

All For The Money

So now, fast-forward twenty years… and where are we now as a culture? Well, announcing your infidelities is not only acceptable, it’s downright fashionable! Women are coming forward in droves to alert the media of things they should more appropriately feel humiliated and regretful about. “Hey everybody, check me out, I had sex with Tiger Woods!” What a wonderful example of what womankind is willing to sink to – thank you for taking us all down with you in your trampy media frenzy. And why on earth would a woman do this to herself, behave in such a vile, disgusting manner with no regard for the feelings or lives of others? One word: money. Money is the reason these women come forward and spill to the tabloids all the details of whom they slept with and when and where. Money is the reason we know about all the details of the celebrities’ private sex lives and affairs. It all comes down to these women seeing dollar signs and not being able to listen to the voice of integrity. And this is the new type of prostitution – getting paid to share your sexual indiscretions with anyone who will listen.

Is Low Self-Esteem The Culprit?

I’m curious to consider what would cause some women to take such a gigantic step backwards in our cultural evolution – why, after so many hard-won strides forward, a woman would sabotage herself by unraveling everything we have done for ourselves and worked so hard for? It’s impossible to say. I think, though, that we can start pinpointing the cause if we look at one particular area that seems to be lacking: self-esteem. If you have no personal integrity, no desire to go out and make an honest living rather than leeching off the misery of others, then the things you tell the news reporters say a lot more about you and your infidelity than they do about the people whose lives you are ruining.

Seize The Day

By

All my senses come to attention as I hear the sound of fire trucks passing through. I feel a slight increase in my breathing and send out my silent hope that whomever the fire trucks are for will be okay. As I pause to consider the situation, I’m curious to know why it often requires calamity in order for us to really start appreciating things and seizing the day.

My desk is a great example of how things become so easily ignored – all around me are photos of the people who are important to me, trinkets that have some sentimental value, cards given to me by loved ones, a medallion that Mother Theresa blessed, a small statue of the Buddha, and so forth. And yet even right now, my focus will wander onto other things, and I’ll completely fail to see what’s right in front of me. However, it has to be said that I’ve come a long way – these days I don’t need the wake-up call as frequently as I used to, simply because I have stayed committed to being present and staying awake, and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to make progress on that front.

Awake!

But of course the reason I react so strongly to the familiar sirens now is because it’s personal for me – I used to be that person who stayed in the comfort zone until something came and forcibly shook me out of it from time to time. I was spiritually asleep, and these interruptions would suddenly show me the temporary and fragile nature of life. I would get a fleeting glimpse of what it was like to be awake, only to slip back into slumber again.

In the end, however, it’s these wake-up calls that have transformed me over time, and now that I know what to look for and how to respond, this has helped me stay awake for more of the time. If I have a day where I wake up feeling sore, it’s just my body telling me to take it easy for a day or so – it’s not a reason to complain or make excuses for my age. If I don’t always get what I want, rather than looking for someone to blame or playing the victim or doubting my competence, instead I just keep on living, knowing that good things are on their way, perhaps even better than what I originally asked for. When I lost my father to a heart attack, it became clear to me that I should never deny myself the opportunity to love, even when I have not been loved in the way I wanted. Unfortunately, that was a lesson learned the hard way.

I do sometimes think that I’d like staying awake to be easier, that it can be a hassle sometimes to have to constantly be vigilant and try to stay present for the important things. It’s like the old Zen tale of all the masters gathering to discuss where to hide the Key of Life. One suggests that they could hide it at the bottom of the ocean, but the others say it would be too easy to find there. Another suggests the top of a mountain, but again the others dismiss this option. Finally, after much discussion, they finally realize where the best place to hide the key is, the place where humans would never think to look – inside themselves.

Choose Pro-Dad Over Pro-Life

By

This is most certainly a rant rather than a blog, but I hope you’ll allow me this indulgence, and excuse my use of strong language. This is an issue that many single mothers, including me, can related to, and I think it’s important to address.

You may have heard the news about Scott Roeder, who was recently found guilty of first-degree, premeditated murder. He admits to having shot Dr. George Tiller, and it only took the jury just over half an hour to reach a guilty verdict.

From the Associated Press: Scott Roeder had confessed publicly before the trial and admitted again on the witness stand that he shot Tiller in the head in the foyer of the Wichita church where the doctor was serving as an usher. He testified he felt the lives of unborn children were in “immediate danger” because of Tiller.

I cannot imagine the pain and emotional outrage the Tiller family must be going through right now. This kind of senseless loss is unfathomable, and as I think about this situation, I’m noticing my own prejudices coming to the surface. Putting emotions aside for the moment, I’m curious as to why we direct our anger toward the symptom rather than the illness.

Preventing Abortion?

How about instead of shooting the messenger, let’s analyze the message. If more women stopped using their insecurities and then their bodies to entice men into relationships, and if more men would take responsibility for their actions and, well, man up, perhaps the abortion rate wouldn’t be as high as it is. Sex is is not about playing around – it’s a responsibility, and becoming a parent is a possible outcome that needs to be taken very seriously. If we get in line with our inner wisdom, we would easily see that the equation is simple: if you want the enjoyment of sex, you have to accept the potential consequences, as well. Perhaps if we dealt with the buried issues that cause us to use sex as a bargaining chip, there would be less inclination to use abortion as birth control.

Biologically, the point of sex is reproduction, but if you look around at the number of kids with absent dads, it’s easy to see that people don’t really take their responsibilities seriously.

So what if instead of Pro-Life, America went Pro-DAD? Then the news might read more like this:

Across the country, men are suddenly stepping up to the plate, as the responsibilities of having sex finally become clear to them. They have finally begun to comprehend that their place as fathers is to personally show their children how to survive and get along in the world, while the mother takes on her role in teaching the children to love themselves. In this way, parents are now able to provide a situation in which they raise their children as a team, and create a dynamic of mutual respect where the child feel safe and secure. Without this partnership, a single mother struggles to meet all the needs of the child, both physically and emotionally. Men and women everywhere are coming to the conclusion that each of us has a responsibility to be honest about our actions. As a result, the abortion rate has dropped dramatically.

Being Single On Valentine’s Day

By

A couple of days ago a reporter asked if I would help him with a column he was writing about Valentine’s Day. He started off by asking, “If you’re single, where should you go to meet people?”

Well, that’s a question that’s impossible to answer without more information. I mean, where should you go to eat if you’re hungry? First you need to specify what kind of food you like, or you may end up at completely the wrong restaurant! If you don’t outline your preferences and desires, then it’s like saying that any random relationship will do, when obviously that’s not the case. I mean, you can show up at any bar and meet someone, but will they be someone who is right for you?

I told the reporter, “Finding the right person to start a relationship with isn’t just about meeting someone. If you approach it that way, then you’re relying on luck, which can waste a lot of time and emotion. If you don’t want to waste time trying out a lot of different options, then you need to focus on what you really want, and be clear about that. Then you need to hang out at the places where you think that type of person will be. It’s surprising how little effort you actually have to put in when you set a strong intention. Or, if you prefer some of the excitement of chance, you can mix with the sort of people you get along with, and see what happens. Your choice.”

The Secret To A Great Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

He then asked about coping strategies for singles on Valentine’s Day. This is a pretty simple attitude adjustment, and works like any other aspect of life – you can either celebrate what you have, or bemoan what you don’t. There’s no reason not to treat yourself like royalty on Valentine’s Day, or any other day for that matter. You’ll find that life will mirror how you treat yourself, and Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to turn over a new leaf of loving yourself more and more everyday. The sooner you start doing this, the more people will want to be around you.

But the reporter still wasn’t getting it. “So, where’s the best place for people to look for romance?” he asked.

The truth is, there is no magical place to look for love, except inside yourself. The world reflects only what you put out there, and if you’re giving love then you’re bound to get it in return. So quit looking for some special venue where you think the love is, and start getting things align within yourself instead. Focus on what you want, and that focus will carry you to where you need to be to meet the right person. You’ve already tried it the other way around, by just looking for “someone” and ending up with whomever you found. How did that work out for you? Instead, try doing the things that make you happy, and hanging out with the people who reflect that happiness.

In other words, the key is not trying to meet someone, but rather finding out who you are and being clear about what you’re looking for.

Are You In A Relationship With A Boy, A Guy Or A Man?

By

A fulfilling physical relationship can be amazing. The sex may be great, you may have a high level of physical compatibility, and every time you’re together it reminds you what a great couple you are. But what about beyond that? What would happen if, despite using protection, you suddenly became pregnant? Just because your partner is good in bed doesn’t mean he’ll automatically be good as a dad.

Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that a journey of nine months will culminate in a wedding or at least a commitment, don’t you think it would be a better idea to find out now, before it’s too late, what kind of man he is and what you and your child would have to look forward to with him? It’s important to know if you’re with a man who understands the potential surprise consequences of sex, and feels an equal and unconditional responsibility no matter what the outcome.

In other words, it’s important to learn whether you have a boy, a guy, or a man.

A Boy

Boy sees girl, and the first thought in his head is what she would look like naked.

The girl introduces herself, and the boy immediately thinks that she wants him.

The girl gives the boy her phone number, and he’s starting to think that getting laid is a real possibility.

The girl agrees to a date, and the boy decides to bring a condom.

The girl allows a kiss, and the boy pushes it to second base.

The girl gives up and allows the touching, and the boy pushes on until he gets sex.

Sooner or later the girl wants a commitment, and which point the boy starts shopping for other girls.

This sort of story happens most often among teenagers, before either party has recognized their self-worth. Sometimes, however, the adult version of this scenario can have a lot of similarities.

A Guy

Guy sees gal, and immediately ponders what she would look like naked.

The gal smiles at him, and he knows she’s wanting him.

The gal says she’ll call the guy, but just to be safe he gives her his office voicemail.

The gal sets up a date, and the guy suggests early drinks on a Tuesday, just in case he needs to bail.

The gal pictures their future children, while the guy just hopes she doesn’t talk through the whole date.

The gal initiates sex, and the guy rehearses his story so he can get out of there as soon as possible.

The gal calls the guy constantly, while he thinks, I knew I should have bailed.

The gal writes him off as a typical male pig, while he wonders if she’d be game for some more sex.

A Man

Man sees woman, and wonders what she’s aiming for in her life.

The woman opens up a little to him, and the man wonders how genuine she is.

The man asks her out, and the woman accepts without hesitation.

The woman tells the man about her dreams and goals, and the man notes how much they have in common.

The woman notices over time that the man’s actions back up his words, he builds respect.

The man opens up to the woman completely, she drops her drawers.

The woman and man are honest with each other, and do their best to enhance each other’s lives!

To be close to someone is one of the most natural desires in the world, and along with that comes the desire to be touched, to be held, and to have sex. We are all on our own paths of growth, and when we start to want to build a relationship, it’s important to remember the differences between boys, guys and men, even if children aren’t involved.