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The Pitfalls Of Addictive Love

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In ancient Greece, there were five words to describe different kinds of love. Romantic love was called eros, the love between friends was referred to as philia, and storge was a natural affection that occurred between people. Thelema was love based on a desire to do something, and agape was a selfless, giving love. By comparison, we only have one word for love in English, and even though we have lots of words describing different aspects of love, those words are not love itself, but rather facets of it.

Addictive Love

On the surface it would seem that addiction is a different thing entirely, but it’s surprising how much these two ideas can overlap. There are two levels of meaning for addiction – one is the etymological root, addictio, which simply indicates a surrender or giving something over. In modern times, however, we interpret this more as an enslavement, habits or practices so traumatically habit-forming that the person caught in the habit sustains lasting and significant psychological or physical damage. This puts addictive love on its own level, and as you can imagine it can lead to some pretty dangerous places if it is left to its own devices.

Thomas Moore, the author and spiritual leader, maintains that most of our addictive behaviors are brought on by us misinterpreting and distorting our soul’s longing. Over the years I have come to notice that when we are not truly in touch with who we are, we don’t really know what we want or need. This can lead to us regressing to comfort behaviors we learned in childhood – potentially destructive ways to deal with perceived longings. In the case of being externally referenced in the “object love” catagory, oftentimes this can set us up for entering into addictive relationships again and again.

Being repetitive in itself is not a bad, thing, however – many of our successes count on us being able to engage in and repeat positive patterns. It’s when the repetitious behavior is destructive or harmful that we need to identify it and do something about it. If we can spot it, we can take the opportunity to look more deeply inward and examine our actions.

Are You In An Addictive Relationship?

How boring is that, though? In a world full of interesting bad boys promising fun and adventure, opting for less drama may seem like the wrong choice… at first. If you are starting to suspect that you are one of the hundreds of thousands of people who engage in addictive relationship behavior each year, you might want to ask yourself the following:

  • Do you feel excited by a sense of the forbidden in your relationship?
  • Do you get antsy or agitated when you don’t know where this person is?
  • Do you feel like your attraction for this person is beyond your control or bigger than you?
  • Are you overcome with a natural high whenever you speak to this person?
  • Have you noticed that this persons values and behaviors are not like yours?
  • Do you find yourself rationalizing their behavior more and more as time goes on?
  • Do you find yourself doing and saying uncharacteristic things when you are around this person?
  • Do you go to extreme lengths to please this person or be sexy for them, hoping that they will remain interested in you?
  • Do you find reasons to stay in the relationship even though you know it’s unhealthy or even a dangerous addiction?
  • Have some of your other important relationships (family, friends) been damaged by this relationship?
  • Do you feel increasingly unfulfilled by the direction the relationship is heading?
  • Do you know somewhere inside that this is not the right person for you, yet you still don’t leave?

Being aware is important, and it’s a great starting point if you think you may be addicted to your relationship. Having the strength to look at your own situation in an objective way takes a lot of courage. So here’s what I would say: if you are in a dependent relationship that you think edges over toward addiction, start keeping a journal and make note of anything that seems suspicious to you. There are plenty of groups out there that help people deal with the patterns that lead to addictive relationships, and they can help support you in your quest to attain a healthy love life. If you’re at a loss for where to start, find a local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

A Delicate STD Matter

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We’ve all been there: we get lulled into a false sense of comfort for one reason or another, and as a result we end up trusting the wrong person. It can be a harsh lesson, especially in the case of one of my students, who emailed me with her ethical dilemma. All names in the following story have been changed.

Dear Maryanne,

I feel so stupid that I’m even in this situation, but I need some advice for an ethical question that has come up. A friend of mine set me up with a man named Alan, whom I already knew to be a great philanthropist in our community. She recommended him as a potentially great match for me, and so we started going out. Things progressed quickly, which I felt comfortable with because my friend liked him so much, and he did in fact seem to be good and upstanding. Within a short time, we decided to spend a night together.

When the subject of condoms came into the conversation, Alan insisted that he had been tested for STD’s and was clean. Who in their right mind would accept that as an excuse not to be safe? Me, apparently, even after warning my goddaughter about safe sex and sending her to college with your book and a supply of condoms. I wasn’t even smart enough to follow my own advice.

Unfortunately, within a few days of sleeping with Alan, I became infected with herpes. Alan refuses to talk about it with me, becoming evasive when I asked him to send his test results to my doctor. So now I don’t know whether I should warn my friend not to set Alan up with anyone else, or just put this whole episode behind me and forget about it. I don’t want to cross any ethical lines, but at the same time I don’t want other women to go through what I’m going through now. Help!

Thank you in advance,

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is always difficult to deal with when we discover that the guy we thought was decent and honest is actually the opposite of all those things. It can shatter your trust and cause untold amounts of emotional distress. It’s especially difficult to have such a harsh lesson dealt to you when you have obviously been doing your best to use your CORR® relationship techniques. You have learned the hard way that it’s not enough for someone else to endorse someone – you have to do all the detective work yourself.

But that doesn’t mean snooping or digging around – it’s as simple as communication and observation. Ask the 14 questions outlined in Hindsight, add any of your own, and then wait and see. If you become sexually involved too early, the “wait and see” part can become distorted, as your affection and attachment to this person can cloud your judgement and make you blind to any warning signs that come along. Of course, you probably realize all this now.

There is a silver lining to your cloud, though. You have the opportunity to love yourself and turn this seemingly negative experience into a way to grow and learn. So how will you figure out what to do now, as a child of the Divine? Here are some tips to get the ball rolling:

  • Spend a few days re-centering your ego. Get away from asking for outside validation by covering all your mirrors with construction paper. Look inward instead for answers, remind yourself about all the ways in which you are unique and strong and gifted, and watch how quickly you move back to a center of internal reference.
  • Cleanse yourself with a clearing ceremony. Make a ritual of writing down everything you need to heal, and all the things you want to let go. You can let a few friends in on it, make a beautiful and sacred place to hold your ceremony, and surround yourself with beauty and wisdom.
  • Take a break from sex. Six or nine months of dating without sex may seem like forever, but you’re worth the wait, and a period of abstinence can help you keep your thinking clear. Use the opportunity to look at why you trusted Alan so soon, and next time when you date, let the trust build naturally over time. You will see how you behave on dates, as well as what sort of men you are attracting.

I think you’ll find, that if you’re patient and gentle with yourself, that as you go through this process your answers will surface. You will soon see what is the most appropriate way forward for you. Please do contact me if you have any more questions.

Setting Yourself Up To Succeed In The New Year!

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Can you remember what your New Year’s resolutions were last year? How did that work out for you? Let’s see, mine were: to be less judgmental, and to slow down and take myself less seriously. No easy task for the hyper-vigilant monster that dwells deep in (and, unfortunately, outside) my subconscious.

For some of us the ritual of setting New Year’s resolutions is an attempt to temporarily assuage the harsh reality of our lifestyle, for others a gleeful renunciation of inconsequential nonsense because…we can. Yet statistics show us that an overwhelming 40% of folks who resolve to better themselves actually achieve their goals! Here are some helpful tips from an enthusiastic veteran of this annual tradition that can help you succeed, too!

 How To Succeed This Year

1) First, you may want to review your last attempt at setting your intentions. Were you successful? Why, or why not? Setting achievable goals is an art. Anyone can set them, but is a different thing all together to achieve them.

2) Want it, bad! I notice when I pick something I want to exclude, heal or change about myself or my life, I am almost always successful when I really and truly want it! Therefore, I am willing to stretch myself and do what it takes to make it happen. So you gotta ask yourself, how much do you really want it?

3) Make a public declaration! You don’t need to alert the press (unless, of course, you feel the need), but you might want to gather a few friends (one could work) and declare your resolve. Surrounding yourself with supportive people is an essential part of any success; always has been, and, as far as I can see, always will be. Got cheerleaders? If not, get some!

4) Post your goals where you can see them! For something to become a habit it takes 40 days of repetition. Put ‘em in a place you will see, until they become as habitual as brushing your teeth. Good idea, put ‘em on your tooth brush. Get creative. My girlfriend gave me a teddy bear with a timer to help me take timeouts!

5) Get back on the horse! Just do it! Look, no one is perfect, and this is never the objective. It’s about practice, about replacing self-defeating habits and behavior with juicy, practical alternatives that move you towards thriving. So, you fall off the horse, brush yourself off and get back on! The sooner, the better. Don’t waste your time beating yourself up. There is no proof that it helps, and is usually a unproductive waste of time!

6) Half time! Mark your calendar/iPhone/whatever, six months out to check in with yourself! Heck, mark your calendar every month with a pop-up, but set it up in advance. Especially if you’re like me, I love little surprises that remind me to feel good about myself!

7) Reward yourself! You deserve it! Think of something that will motivate you throughout the year. Something you want for yourself or maybe your children. Maybe start a retirement or money-market account with all the money you are saving by not buying cigarettes or by partying less. Whatever helps motivate you in healthy ways!

And, in case you were wondering, yes, I have been less judgmental, and am doing my damndest to take everything (including myself) less seriously! As I speak I am sitting in Carmel Valley just overlooking the ocean, about to take a walk with my husband and our dog, Bella, our treat to ourselves for a job well done in 2009.

The Best Gift Of All

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With the holidays passing and the new year rapidly approaching, this is definitely the season for us to be counting our blessings, especially given the amount of chaos that touched so many of our lives this year. However, there is one gift in 2009 that is above and beyond all the other blessings.

A New Adventure

This generation is moving from a focus on the self to a focus on the greater community, and that shift in consciousness indicates that it’s time to redefine ourselves and prioritize according to what is most important for us as a whole. Love is reclaiming its rightful place in the center of our lives, and a new generation is joining hands to face a better future. Is there anything more exciting than the thought of us heading down that road together?

The road is not only the start of a new adventure, it’s a way for us to connect heaven and earth, our hearts and imaginations, and all of our unique gifts and wisdom. If music is what happens between the written nots, then this new collective soul of ours is composing an entirely different song. We are ready now, more than ever, to celebrate who we are and what we have fought for.

My heart is full of thanks for those who have stood beside me during this leg of the journey, as I manifest my desire to mend broken hearts and heal the wounds of suffering. I send love to everyone who has helped with this journey, and to those who have benefited from it. I send love to those who are searching for knowledge, and to those who help provide it. I send love to those who are in a difficult place, who feel frightened and alone, and to those whose hearts are overflowing with a passion for helping. I send love to those who have accompanied us here, who have written in, offered a caring shoulder, stayed with us as we have grown together, and to those who continue to strive for something higher as we head down the road less traveled. These blessings could not have have happened without your continued presence!

Because of the fantastic company I am blessed with this past year, I am really looking forward to the coming year. 2010 is going to be an exciting year for “Ask Maryanne”!

Tiger Woods – Shame On Who?

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Men have plenty of excuses for Tiger Woods’ sexual mis-steps ~ things like: “Powerful men have a higher sex drive” or, “Men are just wired that way” or, “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—if we’re looking for excuses, let’s come up with something original. On second thought, why make excuses at all?!

Let me direct your attention to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.

Choices, Choices

It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. Maybe my view point will explain things better – I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with! Or THINK they can get away with!) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:

First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.

Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. Take note: NONE of these reasons fall into the “we actually love him and want to stand by him” category.” This is immature and romanticized. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!

Getting Some Peace Of Mind

Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework. Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!

And fourth – and last (for now, anyway) – Do you want to stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?

Great relationships begin within!