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Can A Bad Relationship Make You Sick?

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Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived at our relationships. Was it a choice, or something we just “fell” into? Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Were we comfortable being alone? Did we know how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved?

Are You Paying Not To Be Alone?

But, instead of asking some of these questions, most of us have our go-to relationship move, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our “hostage.” The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Stop Blaming your Partner!

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from return. And our go-to culprit is our new partner! Because we’re blaming the wrong person, the relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!”

Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves. We must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in a relationship that is in sickness and health, until death do you part.

5 Myths About Guys You Thought Were True

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There are a number of myths out there floating around about guys and gals, usually perpetuated by members of the opposite sex. Some have a bit of rooting in fact, while others don’t. Here, I debunk a few myths about males. Let’s start at the beginning.

All The Good Ones Are Taken

The problem with this one begins right there with the word “all.” We’re all guilting of a generalization once in a while, but to categorize around half the planets’ population in one statement? It’s intellectually and physically impossible! Instead, I always thought So many men, so little time. And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available, is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know thisuntil you do, in the long run, no one else will be able to know the true you either!

A Man Is Ruled By His Penis

Really. This may be the worlds oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think youll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case youre the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason. Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!

All Men Only Want Sex

Again with the word “all.” It’s simply not true! If it WERE true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do – but don’t sell yourself short.

It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value your sex appeal the most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. What do you value most about yourself really? What do you believe to be true about who you are? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief so get a handle on this, and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe its time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what youre putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, youre 100 times more likely to attract the same!

Men Are Dogs

If you approach any man thinking hes a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; dont make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone youre interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. Its the loving thing to do. We dont need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesnt jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!

Good Guys Are Boring

If you’re a drama junkie, this might be true. So again, it’s important to know who you are, who you identify with, and what type of people you go after.

If you’re not into the drama, consider this my mother once told me something I have never forgotten: that if youre bored, youre boring. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think its a mans job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!

What’s Fake About You?

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What comes with knowing yourself? Oftentimes it’s too overwhelming and intimidating, and we return to our previous patterns. If we’re persistent enough to embrace who we really are, it can still be a lonely road. Sometimes, finding out the truth about ourselves just seems to be too much trouble. So we keep making the same mistakes and falling into the same patterns because we haven’t really unwound and understood the root of these patterns in the first place!

The Pursuit Of Happiness

To Hell with it! We say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, that we are what we are, and get on with life.

We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we look for more, more, MORE! For Gods sakec THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!

Doing As You’re Told

But much of it is a facade. According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (they) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed!

While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step. The energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, to be fake, is extraordinary.

What Is Fake About Me?

1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:

  • Fake skinny – you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.
  • Fake nice – you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who dont seem to care what others think.
  • Fake rich – you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.

You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!

2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!

3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)

4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.

5. Know this is not all of who you are. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your hearts true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!

Can Your Friends Or Lovers Be Holding You Back?

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The mutual flow of respect and support is essential to all healthy, sustainable relationships. Whether friends or lovers, we all want to believe those closest to us want for us to thrive, to fulfill our dreams and to achieve inner and outer success. Yet when this isn’t our experience, we might want to look more closely at the nature of these relationships.

What Is An Unsupportive Relationship?

When I first began to realize this, it was as I got my first big break in my budding media career. I squealed with delight when the producer called from a popular syndicated radio show asking to interview me. My heart pounded, my mouth went dry ~ I had worked so hard and now it seemed things were about to unfold. I was ecstatic.

The funny thing was, the one person I thought would be the happiest for me was anything but. Upset by his confusing affect, I pressed the matter. “Aren’t you happy for me? This is what I have worked so hard for, to get the message out there, but you seem upset?” He looked at me and unexpectedly said, “Now what, you’re going to be some big star and have to start traveling. I don’t want to be with someone who …” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t have to, as it turned out; his attitude towards me and my success was a major culprit in ending our relationship a few painful years and many missed opportunities later. Opportunities that I passed up, afraid he would leave me if I didn’t.

It would take me years to identify and learn the importance of surrounding myself with supportive people.

Signs Of Unsupportive Relationships

Making Ourselves Small – you notice you place others’ needs or wants above your own, or hold back your wants and desires because you are afraid to alienate friends or lovers.

Hiding Our Success – you hide or minimize or significant events or progress towards your heart’s desires, not to arouse negative response, rejection or criticism

Jealousy – notice people who say they love or care about you are giving you mixed messages about your good fortune or advancement toward your goals. I.E. You just graduated from law school, your friend slaps you on the back and sarcastically says, “How does it feel to be part of the bottom-feeders club?” or “Ya know, most lawyers don’t even end up using their degree!”

Undermining– someone you care about purposely says or does something to throw you off track. Perhaps your single roommate conveniently doesn’t tell you your hot new boy friend called, twice; or doesn’t mention your name to someone who could help your career when they said they would; or worse, bad-mouths you behind your back.

Competitiveness – maybe your buddy hits on a someone you have had your eye on for quite some time and then says something like, “Hey dude, snooze you lose.” Or picks your brain about your latest idea, takes it without telling you, and uses it themselves without cutting you in. This is a huge sign of someone who is using you to further their own ends.

Devil’s Advocate – this person is always telling you why you can’t do something or why it won’t work, even when you don’t ask and they’re not an authority on the subject. “No one’s ever done that before.” “You can’t do that; you don’t have a license!” or “Where are you going to get the money to do that?” “She’ll never go out with you!” etc.

What To Do If You’re In An Unsupportive Relationship

If you suspect someone you care about or love is holding you back, consider this: Great relationships begin within! No matter what they’re doing, we need to look first at how we treat and care for ourselves. Relationships stem from this fundamental truth.

One of my husband’s and my marriage vows is “I want what you want for yourself,” and the friends I have today are as much fans of my living a rich, fulfilling life as I am of them doing the same. I am grateful every day to have them all in my lives!

Presents Or Presence?

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I got an email recently after I gave a talk at a booksigning. I’d talked about being present and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who were also present. The woman explained she had been dating a man she met recently who was a successful lobbyist, but who was just as distracted. Here’s what she had to say about the rest of the story.

Being Present In Your Own Life

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town…we’ve known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly “present” with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating website and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile … Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his!

She followed up with another note a few days later.

Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I’m sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Thank you…

J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. We all know the drill: tall dark and handsome, good in the sack, rich, whatever. At some point we start to realize these arent things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

Choosing Someone Who Is Present In Their Own Lives

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted werent essential at allor, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than hot and successful being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent. Things like being present to their lives and yours, someone who’s kind, honest, purposeful, and so on. Create your own list! But check it twice as the holidays approach so you don’t make any mistakes. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?