michaelfreeman

Recovering From A Long-Term Relationship Breakup

Ending a long-term relationship can feel traumatic. You may encounter some emotional hurdles before you can relax and enjoy the single life.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, even if it didn’t end well, you’ll probably experience a sense of loss. Loss of companionship, intimacy, routines, rituals, and shared pleasures. Suddenly you have more time than you know what to do with. There’s no one to talk to about the ordinary day-to-day concerns, and you have to start inventing things to do on a Saturday night.

Remember Why You’re Separating

The emotional intimacy is something you can’t immediately replace. If you initiated the break up, you may start to have a creeping sense of regret as the benefits of companionship come to light. If it was your partner who initiated it, you may feel a sting of painful emotion whenever you’re reminded of things you’ll miss.

While you’re in that period of adjustment, you need to come up with ways to see this as a positive time in your life. Don’t wallow in thoughts of what you miss; concentrate instead on all the things about the relationship that led you to leave.

Even if your partner initiated the break up, you should realize that it’s for the best: You deserve someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you. And regardless of whether you wanted a separation, there’s a good chance that your relationship was strained in the end – you probably feel as if a burden has lifted. Try to fixate more on that feeling of freedom that any sense of loss.

A New Beginning

It’s important to look at the emptiness of the post-break weeks and months as the germination period for a brand new beginning. You’re free to explore the social world and seek some of the things you missed in the relationship.

The time after a break up of a long relationship is the chance to investigate who you are as an individual, what you love, and how you enjoy spending your time. In as many ways as you can, surround yourself with things that give you pleasure and people who share your passions.

It’s also important that you spend time with yourself during the post-break-up time, and not rush desperately into finding a replacement. Rebound relationships rarely work (unless they’ve been simmering for a long time already) because they are undertaken to fill a void.

Whether you’re open to a new sexual relationship may depend on how vulnerable and emotionally stable you feel (as well as whether you prefer to save sex for a committed relationship). But if you’re seeking a substantial relationship before you’re recovered, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Confidence in the Future

You might feel anxious about your future prospects, and be filled with doubt over whether you’ll ever be happy, especially if this is your first major relationship or break-up. Just realize that anxiety and painful emotions are fleeting, and keep the phrase “this too will pass” as your mantra. Life often works like this: You experience some hardship, but then your future brings unexpected people and events that make you grateful for the experience. Take please in imagining a future that’s much more fulfilling than your recent past.

How To Break Up With A Nice Guy

By michaelfreeman

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

6 Reasons People Stay In Relationships

By michaelfreeman

Sometimes, it’s clear that a relationship is unhappy, unsatisfying, and possibly even harmful for us. If there’s no hope for your relationship, it’s important to end it as soon as your situation allows.

Sometimes staying in an unhappy situation is a deliberate sacrifice: For example, some people stay with an incompatible partner if children are involved. However, often it’s simply passive choice stemming from indecision, fear, and even a misguided sense of loyalty.

Why Can’t You Leave?

If your partner stands in the way of you living a fulfilling life, you need to leave ASAP – life’s too short. All relationships require some amount of compromise, but giving up the possibility for happiness is not part of the deal.

Many people find themselves staying simply for their partner’s benefit. This is a mistake: It’s not only unfair to you, it’s unfair to your partner, who deserves someone that truly wants to be with him or her.

Maybe you’re “just waiting for the right time.” But there is never a good time to break up: There is almost always pain and discomfort involved. That persistent delay is your mind’s way of avoiding the pain and hardship of breaking up. Down the road, you may experience acute regret for the time you wasted.

I encounter six major reasons why people stay:

Guilt – You can’t stand causing your partner pain
Loyalty – You feel a devotion to the history you share with your partner, even if it’s a bad one
Misplaced priorities – You place your partner’s needs above your own
Expectations – You feel pressure from family (yours or your partner’s) and friends to stay together
Financial or logistical reasons – Financial and lifestyle concerns make it too difficult to leave
Anxiety about “the moment” – You fear how your partner will react, especially if your partner has a pattern of emotional or physically abuse

Regarding the last point, sometimes the thought of initiating the breakup can be so intimidating that the individual is paralyzed, sometimes for years. Much of the time, the best approach to leaving such a relationship involves a good deal of distance (The advice to “always tell them in person” doesn’t always apply!).

Take The First Step

The longer you wait, the more invested in the relationship you both become. By the time you have the courage to pursue a life you want, you may have kids, financial obligations, and a whole list of reasons why you can’t leave. The first step is accepting that you will have to take action to change your situation. Stop envisioning disaster scenarios and start deciding exactly how you’re going to proceed.

Remember, the pain of a break up is temporary and will pass relatively quickly. It causes much more suffering to avoid the decision and stay in an unsatisfying relationship, wasting your time (and your partner’s time!) in a relationship you no longer want.