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Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

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About half way through Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir that picks up her life where Eat, Pray, Love left us, Elizabeth shares a charming scene where she and her fiancé tell each other their worst faults. They lay it all on the line like a test: this is who I really am. Can you still love me?

“Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’ Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

~ “Felipe” from Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, “Committed.”

I find the scene charming because my husband and I did the exact same thing. The only difference was we did it on our very first date! But I imagine the same dynamics drove both conversations and that was insecurity born of painful, challenging divorces and other dysfunctional relationships mixed with a deep desire that the new beloved understand what he or she was getting into in order to reduce damage done to the other.

Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

Honestly, unless you’re a complete newbie to the relationship scene, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve had just one long romance (that may or may not have gone bad) or a string of monogamous (or not so monogamous) relationships; you know the stuff about you that sabotages romance and good loving. You know the places you go to with words, attitude, and actions that drive a wedge between you and your partner, whoever your partner is. Your partner knows those things about himself or herself as well. The longer you’ve been together, the better you know those things about each other.

So what do you do with those things to keep from sabotaging your relationship? And, by the way, sabotage can look as dramatic as the relationship falling apart or as mundane as simply ruining an afternoon or a single day. How do you love the unlovable parts of your lover?

Perhaps I’ve hinted at where to begin? That would be with you. A quick way to turn down the heat of repulsion that your partner’s words, attitude, or actions have engendered is to recognize that you have things about you that repulse your partner as well. Whether it’s the times when you suddenly feel like complete strangers to each other (and not in a good way) or the times certain reoccurring behaviors drive you batty, you are both only human and so you are both going to be guilty of doing or saying things that turn the other person off. Accepting this can help lighten up how you feel about the issue and how you feel towards your lover.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

Loving the unlovable parts of your lover doesn’t mean forcing yourself to interpret annoying things as charming. Although that is one way to tackle it, love is bigger than that. Love often means allowing people to make mistakes, take risks, do things that go against our ideals while managing the ego’s war inside that would really rather control the other person than make allowances for them.

And so if your lover, for instance, has a habit of taking off their shoes and playing with their feet and toes every night when they settle down on the sofa beside you to watch a little T.V. and it’s something that makes your skin crawl, you have some decisions to make. Do you really need to go to battle over this and make them change their behavior? Maybe so. If so, make it as much about you as you can.

So, rather than blast them for being gross or insensitive, make it about your limitations and how you need them to do this for you. Ask if there’s anything in return you can do for them to make their life with you more comfortable. There’s no easy way to say, “This right here must stop.” But if it must stop, better to make the request than to let discomfort turn into resentment.

However, maybe you don’t really need to turn this into a battle. Maybe you love to suck on those toes when they are freshly bathed and so you think you can create peace inside yourself over this presently irritating habit. Give that a try before creating a battle over this. Work with yourself to see if you can change rather than asking your lover to change. You may not ever like your lover’s habit but even if it can become a neutral event in your daily routine, neutrality can be an expression of loving your partner in spite of this particular unlovable habit.

Open Your Eyes And Heart

Of course, a third option is to join in the fun, remove your own shoes and socks and play with your feet and toes!

Felipe’s advice as Elizabeth Gilbert relates it is really good. It suggests that loving the unlovable parts comes down to facing them squarely and determining with complete honesty whether or not you can accept the bad with the good. At the very beginning of a romance, this can save a couple a lots of time, trouble, and heartache if the truthful answer is “No.” In that case, you can go your separate ways before harm is done.

But if the truthful answer is yes then you proceed with growing the love between you with open eyes and hearts. This practice begun early in the relationship can help you navigate a lifetime of choosing each other as lovers over and over again as each day uncovers the mystery of who you each are in the world and to each other.

A Little Sexual Tension Can Be Just What A Relationship Needs

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One of the most challenging issues for a woman in relationships is creating the space and freedom for her man to be The Man in their relationship. One of the most challenging issues for a man in relationships today is choosing to be The Man, in spite of the resistance to it they both experience.

“You have to be the lion. You can’t have your woman be the same as you.”

~ Justin, 32

What Justin has to say isn’t just a nice poetic thought. It’s a challenge to a man to step up and be the lion – the man. Some meet that challenge easier than others, yet it is a challenge nonetheless. It is also a challenge for a woman to choose a non-competitive, receptive role with her man. If that sounds boring, keep reading to find out more because the fact is that the more alike a man and woman are (if they are both the lion), the more their relationship is filled with either strife or boredom.

When a man and woman are romantically involved and when they allow themselves to embody the masculine principle in him and the feminine principle in her, sexual tension is created which heats up the fire of their love and longing for each other. It stokes the fires of their passion in a way that makes sense to their bodies and minds.

Whether you consider the history of the last one hundred years that has allowed women to come full force into their own in the work force, religion, and politics or the fact of the present necessity of women having to make it on their own in their jobs and careers; there have never been so many men and women on this planet living together in such relative equality as there are today. However, there are a number of ways a man and a woman in love can allow themselves to experience the richness of his masculinity and her femininity (him being the lion and her being the lioness) in spite of the pressures and demands of 21st Century life. Here are a few.

How To Be The Lion

When you feel the desire to protect her, follow it. If she protests that she’s capable of taking care of herself, gently insist. In time, you’ll teach her to trust you and that’s a very good thing. Open doors and pull out chairs for her. Stand up when she leaves or approaches the table. This old fashioned chivalry does more than simply flatter her. It makes a statement on your behalf that you are The Man.

You are in a relationship; she’s yours, so undress her with your eyes. And sometimes, when you’re preparing to make love, undress her with a sense of confidence, even authority. Embody the lion and be the king of your pride! If you’ve been together awhile, she may have begun to teach you to listen rather than give her advice. If you are receptive to that, you are a pretty cool dude. All of us, men and women, can stand to be better listeners. But sometimes you have something very valuable to give her in terms of logic and advice. If you need to prepare her for it so that her frustration is eased, do so. However, when you know she needs to hear what you have to say, say it.

How To Be The Lioness

Practice receptivity. He’s your fellow, not some stranger, so when he ogles you, enjoy it. Also, receptivity is more than just allowing someone access to you. And it has nothing to do with being a doormat! When you take joy in your own receptivity and how he fills you, delighting in it, being fed by it; well, that’s just a huge turn on for a man!

When he touches you, respond positively. A smile, a moan, catching your breath, turning in his direction communicate that you are a willing recipient to his advances. Turn the dial down on competing with him. Competition in a relationship shows up in large and almost imperceptible ways. You can teach yourself to recognize when you feel that drive inside to speak or act so that you can best him and thereby choose to just not go there. The more you practice, the easier it gets to spot it.

Certainly, there are times when competition is fun! This ain’t no 1950’s handbook on how to be happy lovers! It is just that one of the driving forces in a man is to protect his lover, not compete with her. When competition is the name of the game most of the time, it’s exhausting and can make a less competitive woman appear inviting.

These are just a few ideas but I hope the point is made. Sexual tension has to do with balance. If you are both the lion, the similarity in energies can lead to either fighting or apathy. If you allow yourselves to pair off as the lion and lioness instead, suddenly you are circling each other in a dance of passion that makes daily life a lot more fulfilling!

One Way Successful Couples Make Love Last

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Waiting at my doctor’s office, I picked up the May 2010 issue of Reader’s Digest because Michael J. Fox was on the cover. Between Michael’s intellect and sense of humor, I can always count on not only enjoying his interviews, but I always come away from them enriched. The Reader’s Digest interview proved satisfying, as expected.

Of course, everything in Reader’s Digest is short and digestible. So out of just a few, brief paragraphs answering a question about the success of his marriage to actress Tracy Pollan, Michael gave me the following gem.

He said that the key to his marriage with Tracy “is the capacity to give each other a break. And to realize that it’s not how our similarities work together; it’s how our differences work together. You have to realize that someone can care for you and still not understand your every motive, emotion, need, and desire.”

Give Your Partner A Break

It’s a quality that can tear apart a relationship is unspoken expectations. Conversely, a quality that can build up a relationship is the ability to cut each other some slack as you come to appreciate how your differences work together.

I remember that as a young newlywed it sometimes seemed that the differences between my husband and me were evidence that 1) we might have made a mistake, 2) I might have made a mistake, 3) our differences were proof that our relationship wouldn’t make it, and 4) our differences were proof that there was something “wrong” with one or both of us. I suspect my husband experienced our differences in our early years as something that confirmed his sense of inadequacy. That is a heck of a lot to put on the differences between two lovers, but people do it all the time!

I think one of the expectations we come to new love with is that our beloved will always understand us, be able to anticipate our desires, meet our needs, and appreciate our motives. It’s fantastical thinking and in the very early days may actually seem true! When the chemistry is fresh, young lovers can magically read each other’s minds, confirming that moving forward with this stranger is a good idea. But the newness wears off as young lovers get to know each other and the chemistry unique to new love dissipates, taking the ability to read each other’s minds with it.

When Your Love Is Young

By the way, as I refer to “young lovers” in this article, I’m talking about the love between two people being young. I’m not referring to age. And the “chemistry” in the above paragraph isn’t a reference to science! It’s that succinct term we all use to refer to the magic of connection that happens between lovers.

If you think about it, chances are the couples you most admire are those who are made up of two people who are each comfortable in their own skin as well as comfortable in the “skin” of each other and the relationship. There is just something about couples who cut each other some slack that is comforting and sexy. I’m not talking about the kind of giving each other a break that will result in one of them being a doormat. I’m talking about two people who genuinely appreciate each other – even the differences between them.

When we appreciate our differences, we welcome the other’s person’s perspective as something that heightens our life experience. We know that our life is richer because of those differences.

For instance, in one couple you have a dominant personality and promoting personality wedded to each other. If they can appreciate and embrace their differences; then rather than driving each other crazy, the promoter brings a joie de vivre to the serious nature of the dominant one. And the dominant one helps keep the promoter honest.

Learn To Embrace Your Differences

Or if you have an analytical type wedded to a supportive type and they embrace their differences; then the supportive one helps the analytic relax and go with the flow while the analytic helps the supportive one consider multiple options when problem solving. These are broadly sweeping examples but the point is that our differences don’t have to be red flags that something is wrong. Instead, they can be spices that enrich the flavor of our relationships.

The next time the person you love most in the world makes you nuts with how they’re different from you, stop and consider how the difference enriches your life. If they’re different, they have something you lack. You chose them. Figure out how you benefit from this difference and try a little attitude adjustment. You just might find your attraction for him or her grows exponentially as a result, and with that the quality of your relationship as well!

How To Handle An Adult Daddy’s Girl

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“Who’s your daddy?” is a sexy question some men ask their women. It suggests that he’s in charge, loving and protecting her, taking good care of her. Asked of a daddy’s girl, it raises all kinds of issues! If you date or are married to a daddy’s girl (or if you are one), keep reading for tips on how to create happiness with the woman whose heart belongs (maybe) to daddy.

Daddy’s Girls Come In All Different Packages

Some daddy’s girls were the typical tom boy, excelling in all things masculine, bonding with their dads and making them proud. Many of these women grew up to be powerful in the workplace. Sometimes, they are easy to love because “guy stuff” is something they’re comfortable with. From their husbands’ hobbies to topics of conversation to what he watches on TV, they are right there, genuinely enjoying it all. However, some of the tom boy types are so loyal to their dads that no other man stands a chance of measuring up as good enough.

Other daddy’s girls are such because dad went missing when they were young. Perhaps he abandoned the family or died or just wasn’t emotionally available. She’s daddy’s girl because she still longs for his approval. She wishes above all that he would or could “see” her. This type of daddy’s girl can be a challenge to love as she wants you to take the place of the man she’s been missing her entire life. Living up to the image of a phantom father is tough.

There’s another kind of daddy’s girl who is submissive – even subservient. She grew up believing her father’s happiness depended on her performance. She may have been abused by him or she may have been taught that walking on egg shells around him, keeping him from getting angry or upset, made a difference for her. However it happened, as an adult she believes her happiness depends on the happiness of her man. In the beginning she can seem like the ideal woman, but this much submissiveness eventually becomes tiresome.

Handling A Daddy’s Girl

It’s the common elements among the various kinds of daddy’s girls that you can work with to erase relationship stress, creating relationship satisfaction instead. For instance, daddy’s girls believe that they are the most influential person in their men’s lives. They feel superior to the men in their lives. Whether they treat their men like father figures or little boys, they see themselves as “the big one” in the relationship. Daddy’s girls feel like most everything falls on their shoulders to fix or take care of. This sets them up to experience frustration with their men who are too often perceived as incapable of doing most things “right.”

To move from relationship stress to satisfaction, a daddy’s girl first has to give up the feeling that she is superior to her man. The best way to do this is for her to make a spiritual practice of stopping the following behaviors:

1. Stop correcting him in public and in private.

2. Don’t do for him what he can do for himself – unless it is an act of sheer, unadulterated generosity.

3. Stay out of the middle of his relationship with his mother.

4. Do not take over a task he is in the middle of accomplishing, even if you believe you can do it better.

5. Catch any attitude of superiority and drop it.

6. Don’t sigh, roll your eyes, or emit anything approximating, “tsk, tsk, tsk” as a response to anything he says or does.

I call this a “spiritual practice” because simply making up one’s mind to make these changes once-and-for-all is impossible. It takes diligence, returning again and again to simply stopping the daddy’s girl behavior while getting comfortable being a new kind of woman in your own life and in his.

Now, the title of this article is “How to Handle an Adult Daddy’s Girl.” So let me speak to just the men for a moment.

The adult daddy’s girl you are in a relationship with has a lot to offer. These women, even the submissive ones, know how to get things done. Using an old fashioned term, they make awesome “help mates.” However, they have a habitual way of relating to men that can pour could water on your desire.

If you don’t want to lose her but you fear if nothing changes she’ll run you off, try the following (or try it before things get that bad!):

1. When she tries to take over a task you are in the middle of accomplishing, invite her to relax and let you finish. Remind her that you are an adult, capable of taking care of things even if you do it differently.

2. If she makes a habit of correcting you, challenge her to stop treating you like a child. A daddy’s girl can think she’s just sharing how she feels or believe she is doing you a favor. Unless she treats every other adult in her life the same way, correcting them, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on believing it is her job to correct you – unless you give her that responsibility.

3. If she’s the submissive type, encourage her to trust you with her dreams and her ability to make her dreams come true. Let her know your life won’t come apart at the seams if she experiences some autonomy.

The best way to handle a daddy’s girl for optimal relationship happiness is to know yourself as a grounded masculine man who desires a woman (not a mother or a little girl). That way of being will result in words and deeds from you that invite her to be that woman with you.

I Could Have Told You So!

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By the time this is published, I’ll be out of the woods. You see, my husband and I are in the middle of a situation created by the differences between the sexes, and my goal is to refrain from making this particular difference an issue. I so want to point out an oversight he’s made! But that is exactly what would make this particular difference an issue. So, I figured I’d write about it instead.

So here’s what’s going on. To set this up, I need to tell you that my husband and I work together from home. We have separate offices and actually spend a lot of time apart but are mostly just a few steps away from each other. With our lifestyle we get a lot of quality time together. It also means that we like to go out for lunch regularly in order to connect as a couple, rather than as business partners.

Beginning the day after tomorrow, we have commitments that will require a four-day separation. It means that tomorrow is our last day to have lunch together before we go four days hardly seeing each other. I was looking forward to having him to myself tomorrow at lunch. I was also looking forward to lunch with him my first day back.

With two phone calls this afternoon, he arranged for us to have lunch with his son tomorrow and he arranged to have lunch with a friend on my first day back. You’re probably saying, “What is the big deal?” Well, it isn’t a big deal. But it became an opportunity for me to NOT give him a hard time about not seeing the big picture.

The Difference Between Men And Women

That’s the difference between the sexes that we are caught in at the moment. As a woman, I see the big picture and I’ve been making plans around the big picture for weeks! As a man, he is very focused and efficient. The difference means he is missing the opportunity for two separate romantic encounters – the “good-bye” lunch and the “I’m home” lunch.

So, I made the decision that without bitterness, pettiness, or hurt feelings I would leave this alone. I would not point out to him the “mistake” he made. Nor, on the other end of it, when he’s hurting as much as I am that he added more separateness to a time of separation, will I point out to him that he made a “mistake.” To be perfectly clear, I twice put the word mistake in quotes because no mistake has been made. There is absolutely no value distinction between seeing the big picture verses being focused and efficient. Rather, it’s a difference in perspective that can sometimes be beneficial and other times drive a couple crazy – that’s all.

With the exception of the relief that writing this article gives me, I choose to let it go. I can promise you that the marital bliss will be great and far superior to the short lived thrill of being able to say, “I could have told you so.”

Embrace The Difference Between The Sexes

Let me share with you those rewards. If I keep my cool and refuse to let this situation hurt my feelings, I will experience his missing me, which is flattering. I will experience his longing for me, which is also flattering but, more importantly, his longing for me will deepen my yearning for him. When we finally have the time to be alone, conversation will be deep and meaningful as we share our experiences born of the recent separation and our lovemaking will be fun and especially satisfying!

Do you see? There is so much more satisfaction awaiting me by allowing, even embracing, this particular expression of the differences between the sexes. Your relationship is a daily laboratory for growing more love when you take potential problems and turn them into opportunities instead.

Next time you find yourself caught in the battle of the sexes, try slowing down to find the opportunity in it. The pay off could be delightful!