Have you ever had one of those knock down, drag out fights where you knew when you opened your mouth to speak that you were going to wind up with raised voices, hurt feelings, and the belief that this argument would never be resolved? Chances are that the invitation to the fight came wrapped in a package that appeared innocent but turned out to be hiding anger that was just waiting to erupt; like a toxic bearing snake-in-a-can, blowing up in your face and wounding your heart.

What Causes Knock Down, Drag Out Fights?

There is a physiological reason for those kinds of fights that began the day you were born and dates all the way back to when humans first appeared on this planet. Before I tell you more, let me say that I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny for writing the book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” Their book was a big eye-opener for both my husband and me. I cannot recommend it highly enough! But now, let’s get back to the purpose of this article.

There is an innate difference between men and women that shows up in infants. Infant girls do not like lack of contact or isolation. They cannot tolerate it. As such, baby girls are experts in the art of eye contact and bonding rituals. It is a survival skill that keeps parents interested in them and their welfare. From birth through the rest of their lives, women are sensitive to the degree of separateness or closeness in all their relationships. It makes them sensitive to the consequences that will come if they do not behave well. It means that fear of abandonment is their biggest trigger.

Infant boys do not like sudden stimulation. They cannot tolerate it. They startle faster than girls and it takes less to startle them. Men are hard-wired for hyperarousal because of its great benefit in defeating predators. Throughout history, whether animal or human, our predators have been crafty stalkers and attackers. The hyperarousal of the males could mean the difference in whether an entire tribe flourished or was killed off. Because being over stimulated causes a cortisol dump that is quite painful to experience, even infant boys will protect themselves from it by avoiding direct eye-contact with their parents. Usually, this results in parents either turning their attention away from their baby boys or over stimulating them in order to hold the baby’s attention. That results in baby boys experiencing shame, which brings on a painful cortisol dump that takes hours to dissipate. It means that men avoid resolving conflicts with their women because those conversations so often mean hearing what he did wrong (in specific, excruciating detail), resulting in feeling shame and the pain of the cortisol dumps. It means that shame is a man’s biggest trigger.

Putting It All Together

In general, fear being a woman’s biggest trigger and shame a man’s isn’t a big deal. It is how we manage the fear and the shame that causes stress to a relationship, resulting in the knock down, drag out fights that deplete us of energy and threaten our love.

Here is the secret then to not only avoiding the knock down, drag out fights but communicating in a way that protects your weaknesses and builds on your strengths.

As a woman, if you are already feeling fear, you can bet he is already feeling shame. As a man, if you are already feeling shame, you can bet she is already feeling fear. This is true even if neither of you has spoken yet! If you can feel the feeling in yourself, something has occurred that is making each of you experience your biggest triggers; fear for her and shame for him.

Therefore, if you find you want to either confront your lover or run, do not say anything. Don’t speak. Breathe, even step away, and consider a time when you felt love and pride with your partner. As you consider a time when you felt the opposite of fear or shame with your lover, you will relax and feel a little better. You can then move towards each other without words or with fewer, softer words and move forward in a healthier frame of mind and heart.

Practice Makes Perfect

You can practice this with small things all the time, gaining expertise as you go! For those times when you cannot help yourself and you wind up in a knock down, drag out fight, you can still use this technique at the end to help you get back on track, repairing and healing the love that was momentarily, traumatically damaged.

And if you have children, especially infants, remember why your little boys avoid direct eye contact and mushy cuddling. While they are just trying to protect themselves, they actually need more touch and attention than little girls do. So be patient, hang in there with them, neither turning away nor insisting on your own way. Slowly but surely, their tolerance for attention will increase as they learn to trust that you will not shame them.

Men and women are complex, magnificent creatures! Understanding our physiological differences can help us take how we deal with each other a little less personally, giving us patience to learn how to deal with each other in more loving, supportive ways that speak to both sexes in the manner they best see and hear each other’s love.

I cannot speak for what happens when men gossip about women. But when it comes to women gossiping about men, I have some experience on that one and have an insight to share that could make a difference in your personal happiness within your romantic relationship – even (or especially) if the romance seems to be waning!

What Gossip Really Does

When women gossip about their men, an energetic field of toxicity is created that, unless an intervention takes place, grows and expands with the ability to infect the romantic relationship of every woman participating in the conversation, even if they are only listening. Even when I overhear other women “bitching” about their men, or read it in print, if no one raises the bar on the level of conversation being had, I walk away irritated with any man who crosses my path!

Certainly, I can take responsibility for raising the bar. As a relationship coach, if I am in on the conversation, I demand of myself that I raise the bar. I raise the bar by inviting the women involved to take responsibility for what they are creating with their men. If I am the one processing my guy with my girlfriend, I do two things. First of all, I am clear about the period of time in which I am processing my feelings. During that time, the bar may be set pretty low as I am reacting to something said or done to me for which I feel like the victim. However, at some point I move into the second thing which is I take responsibility for having created it.

Processing Your Feelings

In addition, I only process my feelings about my guy with one or two close friends who take the same level of responsibility for creating their reality as I do mine. With other women friends, I monitor what I share because I respect the differences in our maturity levels. If I cannot trust a woman to be able to make the transition with me from victim mindset to taking responsibility for creating whatever it is I’m processing, I will not go there with her.

By now, you may have asked yourself why I equate “bitching” with gossiping. It is because whenever we are “bitching” about anything, we are stuck in the position of victim, making the other person totally at fault. It affects our perception and the things we choose to relate about the other person, things not necessarily true or fair. To the degree that the truth is not being shared, we give a representation meant to manipulate the hearer to our point of view, which means we are gossiping.

And therein lays the nugget of what I am talking about! To what extent do you or the women you know complain and rag on their men, putting themselves or each other in the role of victim, refusing to give it up and raise themselves to a more mature and responsible level? How many of your girlfriends do you trust to hang onto you as a friend if you dare suggest that the role of victim might be a role they should release?

Are You Making Yourself A Victim?….

I’m not talking about real victims here – victims of abuse and neglect. I’m talking about being the “victim” of his long working hours, his preoccupation with the sport of his choice, how he insists on relating to the children in his own way, how his belches are no longer cute, how the things you used to love about him now drive you nuts, etc.

For us females, let me make this announcement: men are different when they are courting us. They are more like us when they are courting us. They stop being like us once they have won us. This isn’t an insult. It is simply a reality. The happiest women in marriages and romantic relationships appreciate the differences between men and women and don’t waste time and energy gossiping or bitching about their men.

If you follow the Law of Attraction and draw the conclusion that we create our own reality; then, as a gender, we women have created a world where men are very different from us. Whether or not they are annoyingly different or deliciously different (as long as you are NOT being abused) is just a perception. And you have control over your own perceptions of your world – including how your fellow shows up in it!

Peter Roth, President of Warner Brothers Television, who is proud of their hit and hot television series “The Mentalist” had this to say about the lead character played by the handsome Aussie actor, Simon Baker, “I think there is perhaps nothing more attractive to women than a man who is able to listen and to quietly deduce the truth,” Roth says.  He is absolutely right.  Whenever my husband listens to me and, in our dialogue, reveals that he heard and saw me more clearly than I did, I fall more deeply in love with him.  Frankly, it is a huge turn on!

What Is It About Them?

Gerard Butler has this talent on the big screen.  What is most alluring about Gerard is his ability to look his leading lady in the eyes, stare deeply into her eyes, listen, and come away from the moment knowing, understanding, and loving her better.  Whether it is as King Leonidas in the testosterone filled “300” or as Gerry in the ladies’ choice “PS I Love You,” he does this amazing listening thing with every leading lady.  She gets his full attention with lots of direct eye contact!  While it sets up incredible expectations for men in relationships, he is the perfect “chick flick” actor because of this quality! Of course, on television and in the movies, stories that take place over a period of days, months, even years are condensed to fill one or two hours.  Being that attentive in real life for one or two hours is asking a lot!  One of the reasons for the therapist’s 50-minute hour is because even professionally trained listeners can only attentively listen for just so long!  The idea that a woman could expect a man to be perfectly attentive at a moment’s notice, a good listener any time of day or night, and always appreciating her is pure fantasy.  However, taking some time to experiment with your listening skills and how you report back what you have heard could prove to have a nice pay off.

Being Seen And Heard

Everyone loves to feel seen and heard.  It makes us feel valued and loved.  As such, Gerard and Simon can teach women the same thing about love.  Listening deeply to your man can be a big turn on.  However, I believe there is one significant difference between best listening skills for men and women.  While a woman loves it when her man deeply listens to her, discovering truths about her, and gently reporting those, it may be true that men prefer deep listening without a lot of feedback. Deep listening requires two senses, hearing and sight.  As you listen to the words that are said, you also pay attention to the body language on display.  Chances are we can all think of conversations that turned into heated arguments when his or her words gave permission to speak while body language clearly said leave it alone.

Really Listening

Men take more time getting around to discussing aspects of their lives and personalities that allow you to know them more deeply because such discussion makes them feel vulnerable.  And when they feel vulnerable, they believe they are no longer in a position to protect you.  Oftentimes, perhaps every time, a man discloses to you parts of his life or personality that make him feel vulnerable, he will feel most heard by your attentive listening that doesn’t ask too many questions and that, most especially, doesn’t analyze what he shared.  While those kinds of verbal responses might make a woman feel seen and heard, respectfully listening without pushing him deeper will make him feel seen and heard. For both men and women, when you are invited to listen, be careful to allow his or her thoughts to come to a close before changing the subject or leaving the room.  Leaving the conversation too swiftly or changing it to be about you too soon, makes a person feel dismissed and is a big turn off.  Again, here body language gives a lot of clues. My husband, Joseph, has shared things with me that I did not realize were tender for him to share.  Because I did not pay attention to his body language (some tenseness, lack of lingering direct eye contact, hesitation while sharing), I did not perceive what a vulnerable place he was in.  So, I got busy analyzing and comparing what he shared to something similar in my life, just rambling on because I hadn’t really listened!  When that happens, it is so embarrassing to realize how inattentive and self-centered I can be! On the other hand, when either of us listens attentively, reads the other’s body language, and responds with respect and tenderness, the love and passion grow.  Listening deeply is a lot like smiling.  It takes more effort to smile than to frown, but life (and love) is better when the effort is made!

The other night I watched Keith Urban’s video “Sweet Thing” about falling in love. It got me to thinking about that sweet, potent time when love is new. Here are some of the lyrics:

When I picked you up for our first date baby
Well, your pretty blue eyes, they were drivin’ me crazy
And the tiny little thought that was so amazing
Is they were lookin at me.
I held open the car door for you then you climbed
Inside and slid on over
To the other side.. I thought my, oh my..
Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the cottonwood tree
It’s a good thing and I’m wishin
C’mon sweet thing
Won’t you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
And there’s no way I’ll be leavin
Til we’re kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Is Your Love Fading?

Whenever it seems like the fire of your love is fading, one of the quickest ways to fan the flames is to think, do, and be the way you were when you fell in love. Following are some reminders of how you were together back then.

When you fell in love, you looked at each other in the eyes with compassion, kindness, appreciation, and adoration. How long has it been since this was the usual way you looked at him or you gazed at her?

When you touched each other back then, you really felt it. Touching each other penetrated your skin, coursing through your muscles to your very bones. You felt it through and through because you craved this person’s touch. How long has it been since you were fully present while giving and receiving touch with your lover?

The first time you saw his chest hair, it sent a shiver through your body. The first time you touched her breast, it lit you up like a roman candle! You did not take this person’s body for granted but were mystified by its treasures. How long has it been since the sight of any part of his or her body filled your imagination with awe?

How To Bring It Back

Take a minute or two or twenty or more, go back in time, and remember the appreciation, adoration, compassion, and kindness. Feel the smile play on your lips at the memory. Then turn your attention to him or her and revisit those heart felt days. Fan the flame of your love with the kind of presence you brought to the relationship when it was new and reap the rewards!

If it has been years since you related to each other this way, you may need to get into the habit of this level of being present on a regular basis before the rewards really roll in. Lack of appreciation and attention, the fires of your love fading, can result in resentment and hard feelings. Suddenly becoming interested and amorous can feel false and pretentious. But revisiting that space, allowing it to open your heart and letting it work its magic bit by bit will make a difference over time.

If it hasn’t been that long since you related to each other this way, develop a “discipline” of returning to that potent time of falling in love as a booster shot for your love. It will be the most fun work you will ever put into your relationship!