Andrea and Scott had been seeing each other exclusively for about four months.  Andrea was ready to take the relationship to the next level.  She wanted to live with Scott but neither of them had enough room in their respective apartments for the other to move in.

Andrea tried to lure the let’s-move-in-together conversation out of Scott to no avail.  However, she had gotten him to share with her his dreams of the perfect house and then she went out looking for it!

Finding it, she rented it.  Confident that making this house available to the two of them would turn the tide in her favor, Andrea could not wait to tell Scott her good news.  The next time she saw him, she made her announcement.

“Scott, wait till you hear, I’ve rented a house!  It is wonderful!  It has three bedrooms and two baths.  It has a charming little patio out back with room for a grill.  The appliances are all brand new!  Do you want to move in with me?  It is exactly the kind of house we’ve talked about.  I can have an office, you can have a workout room, and we can each have a bathroom if we want it that way!  Um…Scott…what’s wrong?”

Scott quit making eye contact with Andrea.  Feeling extremely uncomfortable, he knew that telling her he did not want to move in with her would mean risking a “relationship” conversation, where he would invariably find out his feelings about not wanting to take this step meant he had disappointed her.

He had never encouraged her in this way.  He resented finding himself cornered and knew better than to agree to something he did not want at this time.

Finally, he said, “I’m happy for you with your new home.  I can help you move, if you like.”

Andrea’s heart sank and her face fell, revealing all her disappointment and embarrassment.  She felt rejected and feared the relationship was over.

This scenario and others like it seem to be the norm for romantic relationships these days.  When I was growing up in the 1970’s, grade-school girls did not call boys.  Boys called girls.  If you wanted to hear from your favorite guy, you had to send the right signals while you were at school together and hope for the best.

Girls Chasing Boys is the Norm

Girls who called boys got reputations.  By today’s standards that must seem naïve and innocent!  These days, girls chasing boys is no big deal.  Nevertheless, maybe it ought to be.

In the past thirty-five years, we have raised more daddy’s girls than ever before!  We want our young women to be independent, action-oriented, and successful.  We want them to be able to take care of themselves because in this uncertain world more women are taking care of not only themselves but also their children and their parents on their own.

Daddy’s girls traditionally have the moxie and personal power to make it in a man’s world.  In addition, fathers do not have to be present for daddy’s girls to be created.  Out of longing for or even out of resentment of a missing father, a little girl can be so bound to him that she cannot help but grow up her father’s daughter.

If You’re Not Careful, Independence Can Ruin a Relationship

The problem is all that wonderful independence a daddy’s girl carries can wreck a relationship!  When it comes to the battle between the sexes, the old proverb, “The more things change, the more they stay the same,” holds true for biological reasons that date back to humanity’s first appearance on this planet.

Men, built and hardwired to protect, defend, chase, and hunt, are most powerful in their position to choose a mate when they are grounded in their masculinity.  Women, built and hardwired to connect, bond, protect, receive, and nurture, are most powerful in their position to create a mate when they are grounded in their femininity.

Wait For It!

As frustrating as it would be for Andrea to wait for Scott to make the first move in taking the relationship to the next level, doing so would be far more satisfying than putting him in a position to disappoint her and creating a situation where she fears she has lost the relationship.  Besides, grounded feminine energy doesn’t just sit and wait.

A woman grounded in her feminine energy communicates to her man on a regular basis that she respects his thoughts, ideas, feelings, and actions.  In this way, his confidence to share new ideas with her grows.

Therefore, when he is ready to pop the question that will take the relationship to the next level, he will not hesitate to ask.  In the meantime, the relationship is given time to be tested so that both partners know what they want when it is time to take it to the next phase.

Get Back in Touch With Your Feminine Goddess

A daddy’s girl can be a marvel to behold.  Whatever their realm of influence, daddy’s girls get things done.  Rather than discourage my fellow daddy’s girls, I encourage us to get back in touch with the deep feminine goddess energy in both our alone time and in our romantic relationships.  It will feed us like life giving nectar and improve our romantic lives.

If you are a man with a daddy’s girl in your life, patiently and passionately encourage her to be intentional about slowing down and allowing herself the delight of receiving from you your masculine potency.  Whether you express it sexually, through getting chores done, by taking care of something she usually does herself, etc. encourage her to take this option seriously!

When a daddy’s girl starts slowing down, allowing her deep, sexy, feminine energy to bubble to the surface, it can feel nerve wracking.  It is worth it to work past how uncomfortable it feels until you get used to it.  It is life giving to your soul and will bring joy and happiness to your relationship.

I watched Nicole Kidman, who played a powerful, live-by-her-own-rules kind of woman, make love to Hugh Jackman, who played a powerful, live-by-his-own-rules kind of man, in the movie Australia. Relationships like that are not supposed to work.  In this film, these two powerful people in love were convincing.

Of course, their relationship met hurtles due to all that power multiplied by two.  They eventually locked horns on an important issue and seemed unable to reconcile.  However, love won out in the end with both of them giving a little.  Creating a win-win situation, neither of them had to give up who he or she was to save the romance.

Then I read about Amy Adams, an exciting, powerful actress who is on a roll these days winning memorable and award-nominating roles. She has been in a romantic relationship for six years to an actor who hasn’t had the same measure of success. They recently became engaged.

In an article from Vanity Fair (November 2008), Amy is quoted as saying, “He’s not competitive with me… He has a wonderful talent, and there aren’t many people in the world who are like that, where he does not think that my success is his failure. He just doesn’t see it like that, and I don’t either.”

The Keys to Loving a Powerful Woman

Contemplating these two powerful women, one from fiction and one from real life, I realized some essential pieces to loving a powerful woman. Love her for her strengths. Love her for the vulnerable side that only you are privileged to see. Refrain from interpreting her success as your failure. If you master these three things, you can create love for a lifetime with the woman of your dreams!

Loving Her For Her Strengths

When you love a woman for her strengths, you love her for the things that attracted you in the first place. One of the sexiest aspects of any person in the world is confidence! A woman’s strengths are some of what give her the confidence that caught your eye the first time you noticed her.

As her man, you are privileged to witness a side of her that no one else sees, not even her best girlfriends. Women long to be understood and known by their men. At the risk of sounding like a line from an all-time-favorite chick flick, no one can “complete” a woman like the man who loves her for who she is.

Her desire is to reward him by letting her guard down, allowing him to be with her in a way no one else is. Even something as simple as your eyes being the rare pair that sees her without make-up and without perfect hair means you share an intimacy unique to the two of you.

The Price You Pay

There is a price to mastering this one, however, and that is the extent to which you are asked to listen to her. There may be times when you invite her, politely and with warmth and affection, to quit talking so that you can share her intimate space without the words creating a distance between you.

As much as women want their men to know them and seeing how that involves a lot of verbal sharing, sometimes they need to be reminded that the pathway to your heart doesn’t happen between your ears! It happens in a more visceral, sharing personal space way. Reassure her that you want to hear it all.

Perhaps hearing some now and more a little later would be good. If you invite her to stop talking in order to get physically closer, let her finish her thought or that particular story anyway!

The more power a woman carries out in the world, the more challenged she might be to release it in order to be soft and receptive with you. This is a place where your leadership can shine.

Is Her Success Your Failure?

Finally, whether or not you perceive her success to be your failure is pretty much up to you. If your woman is in the habit of using her success to make you feel patronized, you may already be determining whether or not the relationship will continue. If you are in this situation, she may have good intentions without realizing how she communicates condescension.

In that case, she may be worth hanging onto while you take leadership and help her distinguish when her words and behavior are empowering and when they are disempowering. If she is mean spirited, though, I hope you will love yourself enough to communicate honestly with her and consider letting the relationship go.

Making Your Own Successes

However, if she doesn’t use her success to put you down, then whether or not it does is up to you. You may have friends who tease you about her success or who envy you for it. Sometimes it may be hard to tell the difference between the two. Men, who have had successful relationships with powerful women, have work or a career that is their own.

The first such man that comes to mind is Carl Dean, husband to Dolly Parton. She has said that one of the reasons their relationship has lasted so long and has been so rewarding is because they have their own interests. Carl not only has his own interests, he owns his own business. They’ve been happily married for forty-two years.

Successful, powerful women can be complex creatures yet beautiful to behold and an unending mystery to unfurl. They want to be loved as much as anyone.

If you’re lucky enough to have fallen in love with one, love her for her strengths, appreciate the vulnerability she only allows you to witness, and trust your own power and success rather than interpreting hers as your failure.

I was surprised recently to hear that a couple who has been together only a few months is in couples’ counseling.  How is that possible?

At a few months, the relationship hasn’t had time to become something definable that needs fixing!  Now, at a few months, it may become apparent to one or both partners that this relationship isn’t going anywhere, so it is time to break up and move on.

However, if the love is there and the chemistry is right, the intensity of couples’ therapy, if it comes at all, ought to be years down the road!

Sometimes You Don’t Have to Wait On Your Partner

That doesn’t mean relationships don’t need some help along the way.  Sometimes, though, making relationship help a group effort is just too much.  When it is too much, one of you will dig your heels in and refuse to participate effectively.  At such times, you do not have to wait on your partner to make a difference in your relationship.

Truth be told, not only is your relationship a reflection of you, it is a reflection of your partner is too.  That means if something needs to change you can begin with you.  When you do, your relationship and partner must reflect the new you back to you.

To make this idea concrete, let me share with you from my experience.  In my husband’s and my profession, we work with adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls who have fallen in love with each other, some making it all the way to the altar and eventually raising mama’s boys and daddy’s girls of their own.

Mama’s Boys Are More Complex

By our definitions, mama’s boys are more complex than the stereotype!  Mama’s boys are not only created when appropriate male role models are missing, they are created by fathers who themselves are mama’s boys.  Usually, a mama’s boy can only raise a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl can only raise a daddy’s girl.

We help such couples by encouraging them to address the issue as individuals.  Mama’s boys and daddy’s girls are experts at being inappropriately involved in each other’s lives.  To give them new choices, we give them individual homework.

We invite her to practice not rescuing him, not taking care of it for him, not treating him like a child.  We invite him to stop pushing against her or pulling on her.  He gets to practice taking action and trusting himself.  He gets to practice stopping when he is operating to please her and realign himself to his vision, his passion, and his desires.

Change in the Relationship

The beautiful part of this is whoever begins taking responsibility and making changes, the relationship begins to change.

A woman who stops treating her man as a child accomplishes the following:

1. She gains some time for herself because she is no longer going behind him taking care of whatever she doesn’t trust him to do.
2. The freer he is to express himself as an adult, the more he will meet the challenge.
3. Then she gets to practice letting him do it his way, not hers, which ties into her spiritual growth!
4. The more she lets go, the more the resentment between them begins to fade.
5. He may decide to offer to help in ways that make a difference for her and the relationship.

A man, who quits pushing against his wife, opens up the door for her to trust him more, to fall in love with him again.  A man who stops pulling on her, enjoying her approval but no longer needing it, will find her attention on him shifting.

In the beginning, she may be a little insecure because he has taught her to equate his needing her with his love for her.  However, it can begin to open up their love story to where they can take it to a completely new level.

Anyone Can Change Their Relationship

Even though our primary interest is mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, anyone can do this with any relationship.  All it requires is taking responsibility for the relationship as something you created.  Don’t do it to beat you up for making an unwise choice.

Do it to get to know you better, to improve the relationship, and to get to know the people in your life better too.  After all, if they are a reflection of you, then you are a reflection of them.

Even Singles Can Make Changes

You not only do not have to wait on your partner to improve your relationship; if you are single, you do not have to wait for your partner to show up in order to lay a strong foundation for that future romance.  Review your past romantic relationships.

Look for repeating patterns.  Discover what in you attracts less than what you are looking for in a romantic partner.  Then use that information to get to know you better so you can make better, wiser, more loving choices about how you show up in relationships!  How you show up determines the kind of person you attract.

Using Current Relationships to Make Yourself a Better Partner

You can also use current relationships with anyone in your life to make yourself a better partner.  Using mama’s boys and daddy’s girls again as an example, is a co-worker or your boss a mama’s boy who places inappropriate demands on you?  How can you operate in a new way that allows them to be grown men rather than overgrown boys who lean on you too much?

In reverse, is a co-worker or your boss a daddy’s girl who tries to take care of you in inappropriate or demeaning ways?  How can you operate in a new way that sets healthier boundaries with them and let’s them know, without you risking your livelihood, they can no longer treat you this way.

If you are attracting dysfunctional relationships anywhere in your life, it will show up in your romantic life as well.  You hold the key as the common denominator in all those relationships is you!

I recently heard a young woman casually refer to the man she’d had rebound sex with at the close of a long term relationship while castigating her former lover for 1) already being in a relationship and 2) being in a relationship with a “skank.”

Because she hoped the result of the break up would be their getting back together some day, she feels he needs to 1) wait for her and 2) maintain his virtue for her satisfaction.

What is wrong with this picture?  When she becomes the seducer out there in the world and desires her former lover maintain his virtue, she assumes the role of the man and expects him to take the role of the woman.  It isn’t fair and it isn’t healthy.

Role Reversal in Our Society

Not only is this scene typical in our role reversal society, it is typical for adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls.  Mama’s boys are men who do not realize the key to their personal power and potency lies within.

They try to get their power by either pushing against or pulling on the women in their lives.  Daddy’s girls are women who do not realize the path to their fulfillment lies within.  They attempt to find fulfillment by taking care of the men in their lives.  Adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls fall into role reversal easily and painfully.

The young woman mentioned above is a daddy’s girl who “mothers” everyone in her life.  She takes care of them by alternately bullying them, nurturing them, patronizing them, and helping make their lives easier by sacrificing for them.  She is a magnet for any mama’s boy looking to please “mother.”

Her former lover is most likely in a rebound relationship with someone who will cause her to feel threatened and humiliated.  When she rejected him, his pride was hurt and now he has something to prove.  Because he is on the rebound, this current relationship will likely not last.

At some point, he will long for a woman who is more demanding so that he can attempt to feel like a man by trying to please her and make her happy.

Relationships Are Messy!

It is easy to look at the surface of this constellation of relationships following a break up, shake our heads and murmur disdain.  It is also possible to look at this scene and feel uncomfortable or ashamed because it is too familiar.  Don’t dismiss these young lovers out of hand.

Relationships are messy because few of us are taught how to have healthy, romantic relationships!  However, we can walk out of the painful complications of role reversal.  A primary guide on the path to healing is the technique called “Act as if.”

Acting As If…

This means acting as if he carries the masculine energy in the relationship and as if she carries the feminine energy in the relationship.  You act as if what you want to be is who are until it becomes a real choice or even becomes the truth of who you are.

As individuals or as a couple, if you decide you would like to each hold the respective masculine and feminine energies, look for clues that you are doing a role reversal and then reverse that!

Say you as a woman realize that you are the aggressor, the seducer, the risk taker, expecting your man to be the virtuous one between you, then put your attention on ways you can be receptive, mysterious, at ease with yourself and with him.

If as a man you discover that you wait for her approval before you act, find something to take action on and do it.  Take action without waiting for her approval.  Then monitor your need for praise afterwards.

There is a difference between soaking up her praise because it feels so good and desperately needing it to feel good about yourself.  You can practice desiring it without needing it until it becomes a reality.

It Isn’t an Easy Road

This may sound like a simple cure for a complex difficulty in relationships.  It isn’t simple.  It takes self-discipline and self-love to give up role reversal.  There are pay offs for role reversal in the first place.  Namely, loyalty to mothers and fathers.

If your mother was your champion, your best friend when you were a boy and young man, releasing your attachment to her and finding your power within your own masculinity can seem like betrayal on a subconscious level where you do not have a lot of control.

Choosing a woman who will take care of you the way she did can feel like “home.”  Asking more of yourself and more of your mate may not only stress that relationship but the one with your parents too.

If your father was your champion, your best friend when you were a girl and young woman, releasing your attachment to him and finding your fulfillment within your own femininity can make you feel like you are hurting the only man who will ever really love you.

It doesn’t make sense.  Why would he not want you to be all that you can be: successful, beautiful, and feminine?  Where the difficulty lies, isn’t on the rational level.  It is deep down trapped in conflicting feelings.

However, choosing to hang out in the energy that belongs to your sex can revitalize your relationship and your life.  No matter what kind of mama’s boy you have in your life, he longs to be respected and admired.

No matter what kind of daddy’s girl you have in your life, she longs to be cherished and loved.  It doesn’t matter for how long you have been committed, consciously or subconsciously, to role reversal, women love to be cherished and men love to be respected.

Learning to hang out in and embrace your same sex energy can jazz up the chemistry between you, making you feel loved and lovable in a whole new way!

“Wait, before we take another breath, before we’ve lived another moment of our lives, and now is fast becoming then. Wait, before you take your lips from mine, how quickly where we are is where we’ve been and give is given.”

~ Alan & Marilyn Bergman

Remember That Falling In Love Feeling?

Do you remember what it felt like when you fell in love for the very first time with someone who loved you back?  Every word, every glance, and every touch filled the air between the two of you with such meaning.

Little confessions and secrets shared made you feel naked and vulnerable long before any clothes came off!  There was no frame of reference for the experience of falling in love for the very first time!  It meant every moment together was infused with the raw energy of newness and loss of innocence.  It was intoxicating!

Innocence lost is never recovered.  We measure every subsequent relationship by the relationships that came before it.  You watch his or her behavior and choices as closely as you watch your own; looking for clues and hoping this time, it will be different.  Maybe this time it will last.  If you aren’t careful, the fear of repeating the past becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Heighten the Chemistry

In your current relationship, though, there is a way to heighten the chemistry between you; making this love, which has never been experienced or expressed before, full of meaning, purpose, and delight.  Begin by turning off the multi-tasking and teach yourself to be present in the present moment.

Many things demand our attention, taking us out of the present moment.  There is the ever-lengthening “To Do” list.  There are deadlines at work, school, and at home.  There are relationship issues with any number of people in our lives.

There are health issues tied to food, sleep, rest, and medications.  There is study that needs to happen, entertainment, and fun too.  There are so many demands on individuals and couples today that multi-tasking is as essential to living as anything we learned in school!

How do you slow down and be present with your romantic partner when there are so many demands on your time and attention?  By making the commitment to choose, on a regular basis, to stop thinking, turn your attention to him or her, and then listen and feel where he or she is coming from.

Being Present

Study his face as he shares a story or concern.  Admire the self-conscious grin that crosses his face when he boasts.  Watch his eyes change focus as he considers what he is sharing and how his expression changes when he’s ready for your feedback.

Get close to him and breathe in his scent, remembering what it was like when his scent was new to you.  Reach out and gently trace his face with your fingertips.  Without saying a word, admire him the way you did when you first met.  It will give your eyes a “come hither” look that will he will surely notice.

Get close to her when she is in the middle of a routine task like washing the dishes or reading.  Touch her somehow.  If she is at the sink, come up behind her and nuzzle her neck.  If she’s reading, rub her shoulders.  Give her a reason to stop for even a moment to let you nurture her.

Smell her hair and complement the scent of her shampoo or perfume.  Run your fingers down her arm or back and appreciate the fact that this woman is yours and that she opens her body and soul to you.

Building Intimacy

Any amount of being present can lead to sex, that is certain!  But not always.  Being present can become a way of building intimacy and checking in using few words.  Ceasing your own internal chatter and really taking in your partner whether he or she is sharing something or doing something or even sleeping is honoring.

Things like building intimacy and honoring one another heightens the chemistry, the energy, between you.  It is a delicious way to attend to yourselves as a couple without requiring the “hard work of making a relationship work.”

Enhancing your relationship can be delicious, fun, and sexy!  You can become more appealing to each other as time passes.  Being present for no other reason than that you love and honor this person fuels the delicious, sexy fun of heightening the chemistry between you!