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How To Handle An Adult Mama’s Boy

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The most important thing you need to know about mama’s boys is that most of them are not attached to their mother’s apron strings!

You see, mama’s boys are not that way because their mothers smothered them. Men grow up to be mama’s boys because they missed out on an invitation from their fathers to enter the father’s sphere of influence in their teenage years. Now, having missed that invitation, the relationship with the mother is quite complex. Some do make mom the most important woman in their lives. Others grew up power struggling with their moms, turning into macho men and even bullies as a result of their confusion over their role in their mother’s and their father’s lives. How a man relates to both parents directly affects his relationship with his woman.

Another type of mama’s boy looks like the perfect man who is capable of being there for his wife and children. Except that he tends to smother his wife and kids! Even another type comes across as an insecure teenager, even when he’s in his forties or fifties, needing his woman to reaffirm his masculinity at every turn.

So, how do you handle an adult mama’s boy, no matter which type you are in a relationship with? Here are nine action steps that can make a difference.

9 Steps For Dealing With An Adult Mama’s Boy

1. Refrain from acting like his mother. This means treating him like a grown man who can take care of the details of his life without you intruding there. This is probably the most important piece of advice. It is also the one you can do the most with because it has to do with controlling your own behavior in order to create positive change outside yourself.

2. Stay out of the middle between him and either parent. Mama’s boys attract women who are willing to go to bat for them, let him handle those relationships.

3. Call forth his masculine greatness. When he takes action meant to provide for you, protect you, impress you, or turn you on – acknowledge it glowingly!

4. Don’t nag. Learn how to express your needs and desires as you would with a peer. Nagging demeans both the giver and receiver. And it aggravates the mama’s boy quality that aggravates you!

5. Recognize that you are part of the problem. He was attracted to you in the first place because of your “mothering” energy. Even if you think you are the opposite of his mother, does he hope you will “mother” him the way she never could?

6. Expect him to be your equal, your lover, your man. The expectation will determine your own behavior as well as call forth the best in him.

7. If he speaks to you in a needy tone, respond as if he didn’t. Don’t feed the little boy energy. Don’t respond in a tone that corrects his neediness. Simply respond neutrally or with a positive tone that ignores his implied need.

8. Remember that there are times when each of you needs to be able to be the weaker one in the relationship, depending on the other to be the strong shoulder. This isn’t about the mama’s boy struggle, it’s about depending on each other.

9. Remember, too, that for adults, sex is play. It’s where we get to revisit the childhood joy of just full out enjoying ourselves. As long as it isn’t a turn off, let each other’s inner child come out to play some when it comes to sex.

Understanding Mama’s Boys

Sitting down a mama’s boy to have a discussion about his personality and how it doesn’t work for you is the most ineffective way of handling the situation. It puts you in the role of mama to his little boy who just can’t get it quite right.

As a mama’s boy, his patterns of behavior and speech are not only deeply ingrained, he got stuck there as a kid because he loved his parents and tried to be who they needed him to be. No one realized they were messing with his future romantic happiness. He doesn’t need to be treated like a victim! He needs to be treated like a man.

I said the most important piece of advice was to refrain from acting like his mother. The second most important piece of advice is that you are a part of the problem. He was attracted to you for a reason. The loving and nurturing energy you carry is delightful for everyone, dangerous for the two of you. However, this is good news because you can do something about it without overtly trying to control or dominate him.

Pay attention to the variety of ways you pour mothering energy over him and determine which expressions of that are healthy and which get you into trouble. Then stop the ones that get you into trouble! For instance, if around the house he has a habit of calling out to you when he wants you; with you leaving whatever it is you’re doing to go to him to find out what he wants, stop it! Little boys can’t be bothered to get up and go find mom, they call her to them. A pleasant, “I can’t hear you!” hollered back at him will result in his getting up to find you.

Or if he wants you to get him a beer, try a pleasant, “I’m not coming that way anytime soon.” The assumption you make is that he is a grown man who can take care of himself. It reduces the power struggles that aggravate the mama’s boy stuff and makes your life together sweeter.

I’ve seen too much advice out there telling you to dump him. These guys are too large in number and their hearts are too big to give up on. Give these nine actions steps a chance – you’re both worth it!

The New Fatal Attraction

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In 1968, Andy Warhol predicted that “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.” It struck a chord and has been a favorite phrase of those achieving fleeting media publicity ever since. Between reality TV and the Internet, Warhol’s prediction has come true in ways unfathomable prior to the 1990’s when the Internet first gained commercial status.

Since November 2009, there is a new breed of publicity grabbing hustlers that ought to strike fear in the heart of philandering men the same way Glenn Close did in Fatal Attraction, when her character, Alex, declared to her lover, “I will not be ignored!” High profile, philandering men beware, there are women who will use you to grab their fifteen minutes of fame at the expense of your reputation and your family’s peace of mind.

Gaining Attention

Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James, was outed for having an affair by the woman he had the affair with. Sound familiar? Tiger Woods now infamous long list of women claiming to have been his lover is seared in our memories as part of the 2009 Holiday season background noise.

You don’t have to have the celebrity status of a Tiger Woods or Jesse James. With today’s fifteen minutes of world wide fame, YouTube can accommodate the whims of any woman in the tiniest community who has just a little knowledge of web sites that require you to sign up, sign in, and load up a little information and then, there you have it; your life as you know it ruined by the other woman, using the affair to create notoriety for herself.

When a number of the women Tiger slept with came forward with their names, faces, and occupations, people were stunned that those women had the audacity to draw attention to themselves rather than disappear into the shadows for fear a scarlet letter “A” be emblazoned on their lives. What kind of woman reveals her status as the lover of an adulterer? What kind of society encourages such displays?

I have a hunch about this. Women are born with an innate desire for their men to protect and provide for them. Never before in history has society offered the other woman the means to either force her adulterous lover’s hand to protect and provide for her or to do that for herself by taking advantage of multiple forms of media to plead her case to the public.

Using An Affair For Publicity

John Edwards’ mistress, Rielle Hunter, raised people’s ire recently with published photographs that included a picture of her lying on her back in bed, looking seductively at the camera as she clutched their child to her breast. She reportedly posed for the pictures because she needed the money. With no apparent regard for good taste or the questionable appropriateness of using her child this way, Rielle used her affair with the former senator and presidential candidate to provide for herself monetarily.

In 2010 in the Western world, the other woman has more power to take care of herself at her lover’s expense than ever before in recorded history. While notoriety and ephemeral fame are short lived providers, they give the other woman a weapon that serves her, not him. That is the distinction that could make this public tell-all by the other woman a new and growing trend. Time will tell.

How To Love A Powerful Woman: Mo’Nique, Sandra And Victoria Reveal Secrets To Success

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You may think this article was written just for men. It wasn’t! Powerful women pay attention because being loved well is your responsibility too! There is useful advice for both of you here.

This year’s Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress winners at the 82nd Academy Awards, Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique, are powerful women happily married to powerful men – men who are not intimidated by their women’s successes.

Fortunately for us, Sandra and Mo’Nique were interviewed repeatedly prior to and following the Oscars where they unsuspectingly shared relationship advice. When you listen to someone who has created a successful love partnership, the way they talk about their beloved reveals secrets the rest of us can use to improve our own love stories.

In addition, this winter saw the movie “The Young Victoria” making its way around the country. Within that little gem is a world of advice for how to love a powerful woman. Based on the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign (the Victoria for whom “Victoria’s Secret” is named), we watch the young beauty fall in love with her handsome Prince Albert – a man who would never be called king – and watch them navigate how to love and be loved in these roles that demand she be his superior in every way.

Prince Albert was no puppet. He masterfully and with great masculine expression, made a place for himself in the palace and in his wife’s heart. “The Young Victoria,” like interviews with Sandra and Mo’Nique, accomplishes what it did not set out to do; it gives us advice for how to love a powerful woman.

Relationship Advice From Some Of The Most Powerful Women

Women, respect your men. In this 21st Century, it’s easy to not appreciate what it costs a man to be in a relationship with a powerful, successful woman. Regardless of how the world measures your and his accomplishments, he is worthy of your respect because he loves you – even adores you. Respect him.

Have a sincere interest in his work and interests. Nothing says, “I love and respect you” quite like having a genuine curiosity in the interests of another. It makes him feel seen and heard.

Mo’Nique makes this provocative statement,” “I don’t think that anyone should be in control of a relationship. I think that if you have a woman that controls her man, he is a puppet and he is weak.” But ladies, the attempt to control him begins with you. If you don’t want to be a tyrant in your relationship, if you want it to feed and nurture you, then respect him.

Advice For Men

Men, have your own work and interests. There are hundreds of ways to love and support her. While you may be content to be the moon that orbits around her as sun, most of you will thrive best if you have your own work and interests.

Know your place in her life. Depending on just how successful she is she may have a posse or entourage of folks who take care of her. Those kinds of relationships can get sticky – a little dysfunctional with various people longing to have a place in her heart that usurps all others. Don’t allow it. You don’t have to go to war with anyone who would like to position themselves between the pair of you. You simply have to know that you are her husband (or lover) and that no one can take your place. Taking that stand, you simply won’t engage with those who would like to be superior to you in her heart.

Protect her and provide a safe space from the slings and arrows of life. Because of a woman’s natural ability to multi-task and see a big picture, she can take on entirely too much, attempting to make too many people happy, feeling like the Great Mother to people who both have their own mothers and are perfectly capable adults themselves! Your ability to focus can help her make time for herself and for the both of you to have time to rest and relax and to feel safe and secure.

In her Golden Globe acceptance speech, Sandra had this to say to her husband, Jesse James, “There’s no surprise that my work got better when I met you because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back, so thank you.”

For Both Of You

Finally, work together for both of you to accomplish your goals. Rather than treat the stuff of her life as more important than yours, view your separate and mutual interests as equally valid and do whatever it takes for both of you to win in your careers.

At one point in the movie, Victoria and Albert are drenched from running in the rain, undressing each other back in their private quarters. She clings to him, looks him in the eyes and says, “We will take care of each other, won’t we.” More of a statement than a question, it’s a delicious moment between lovers who are equals in their hearts and souls, unencumbered by the demands of the gifts of their lives that put them in the roles of Queen and Prince.

If you love a powerful woman or if you are a powerful woman in love with a man who loves you, the two of you been gifted with a rare opportunity to contribute to this world and to love each other in a unique and abiding way. Know that you are not alone on this journey; other couples have and do traverse it well. And remember to have fun!

When A Woman Tries To Control, Rescue, Or Fix Her Man

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Every once in awhile I get to experience what it’s like for a man when a woman tries to control, rescue, or fix him. Every time it happens, I get a hint of how humiliating it is for men to have women mother them in this way.

Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will 

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

Moving From The Blame Game To The Joy And Satisfaction Game

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In the middle of an argument with my husband the other night – one of those getting ready for bed and “oops” someone said the wrong thing experiences – I had a humbling revelation. I discovered that making comparisons is just another way of playing the blame game.

As someone who holds the intention to stop blaming others, I’d completely overlooked the not-so-innocent habit of making comparisons, especially comparisons between men and women where women always come out on top! Comparisons such as women are better at nurturing relationships, better at communication, better at being thoughtful, better at anticipating relationship problems, better at taking action to solve those problems, etc. As relationship coaches and mentors, understanding the differences between men and women is part of our business! However, there is an important distinction between understanding differences and making evaluative comparisons.

Stop Playing The Blame Game

Then a friend of mine, Kaliana, expressed this thought at her blog, “Erase from your relationship ‘who is to blame’ and replace it with ‘how do we grow?’” Although the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely a couple is to atrophy into playing the blame game; some people carry it from one relationship to another. They sing the “S/he done me wrong” song on the first date and ever after until the next refrain is, “You done me wrong!” At any point in your relationship (or your life for that matter), you can learn to shift from the blame game to the joy and satisfaction game by asking yourself at every turn, “How do I/we grow?”

Blaming others shows up in many ways. I’ve already mentioned the comparison version. When women compare their men to themselves or their girlfriends and find the men lacking, the men wind up getting blamed for their masculine essence. On one of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, I heard the most amazing line from a man about his woman. It went something like this, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.” That’s insane! You don’t have to read between the lines, the not so hidden message is right there. Men, to make your women happy, don’t speak – ever; unless, of course, you plan to agree with her.

The commercial was funny but many couples’ lived reality isn’t. Any comparison that results in shutting down communication means somebody got blamed for being less than ideal – for being human.

Blame Without Words

More typical ways people play the blame game shows up in things like name calling, tone of voice, eye rolling, exiting the room, resentment filled sighs, etc. You know when you do that you’ve blamed your lover for something. If you’re sensitive at all you realize that you just struck a mean blow with the blame and now any further conversation will take a downhill turn before things can get better between you.

What you may not realize is that even when you think you’re keeping those little blame game behaviors private; such as rolling your eyes out of their view, claming the sigh means you’re just tired, or calling them names inside your head but not speaking it out loud, the blame game is still going on and suffering will ensue.

My friend’s antidote of asking how we can grow is genius! Oftentimes, the very thing that gets on your nerves today was something you once found charming. Asking how you can grow from this experience can get you back in touch with how you once perceived them and what you felt about them when you first fell in love. It can be a reminder that you don’t want to become one of those embittered couples that no one wants to be around.

How To Stop Blaming Your Partner

If you find yourself blaming your lover because he or she has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted, perhaps even being downright rude and mean, you can grow from the experience by exploring what in you has allowed yourself to be treated badly. If you find yourself blaming your lover because of the complex differences between men and women you can grow through making the choice to celebrate your differences instead.

If the blame game turns into one of those excruciating, cathartic fights, you can grow from choosing again to commit yourselves to love each other with expressions of loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and respect. You can grow each and every time you stop yourself at the blame game and make another choice. When you are vigilant about not playing the blame game, choosing instead to grow from the stuff that bothers you, you find you have a happy relationship, even a life, full of joy and satisfaction.