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Tips For Holidays With The Family – Thanksgiving, Christmas, And New Year’s

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The holidays can be one of the most emotionally trying times of the year, especially if your family dynamics are complicated. In fact, Ram Dass says that the best way to test how together you are is to spend time with your family, and indeed the holidays can present pretty intense strain on your sanity. In addition, if you are going through any negative personal issues that your family might pester you about, then that can make the whole situation that much worse.

If you’re looking for coping strategies for those trying family get-togethers, here are a few tips!

  • Accept things the way they are. You are never going to be in full control of the situation anyway, and trying to force people and things to be how you want them to be will only cause anxiety for everyone involved. Instead, try setting aside your reservations about the way things are, and just accept them as-is. You’d be surprised how quickly this one attitude shift can change your outlook for the better.
  • Look at situations from other perspectives. Life is a complicated thing, and we each have our own ways of dealing with it. Your brother’s lifestyle choices or your aunt’s behavior when she’s had a couple of glasses of wine may frustrate and embarrass you when you look at it from your own rigid context, but if you can force yourself to step outside your own point of view and look at things in a more flexible way, the less you will feel like judging others. Once you realize that we are all humans who make choices and live with our imperfections, it makes it that much easier to forgive both the little and the big issues you have with others (and with yourself!).
  • Get through the hardest times with a minimum of drama. Sometimes there are certain family gatherings where there is anger or bitterness involved, and you think you’d rather have a root canal than spend time with these people. At those times of high tension it can be easy to say or do something that you will regret later. No matter how much you know you’re in the right, let it go at least for now, and let everyone get through the gathering in one piece. Why is maintaining a truce your responsibility? Because you are not that person who always makes things worse; you are the one who makes things better. If you don’t think you can be that person in a particular situation, then maybe it’s better just to skip it altogether, rather than causing a scene.
  • Rehearse your lines if necessary. Sometimes the key to not saying the wrong things, is practicing the right things to say. If gems like “congratulations on getting that pole dancing job” or “yes, having your wedding at an amusement park should be entertaining” don’t come out of your mouth naturally, then practice these phrases over and over until you can say them convincingly. You know your family members will ask those embarrassing questions or bring up situations that they may be incredibly excited about. if you find their stories appalling, then you need to plan your reactions ahead of time. This is especially true if you anticipate questions or comments that might upset you – for example if you’ve had a recent break-up, or have gained some weight since the last time people saw you. Be ready for whatever they might say, with a calm and rehearsed response.
  • Temper your expectations. Sometimes the reality of a situation is just too much to accept cold turkey, but you can take it in baby steps, a little at a time. Try to cut people some slack and be open to the possibility that something good might come of it. A great technique is to do something to help someone who is worse off than you are. This can foster the spirit of gratitude and help you open your heart, which in turn can help you accept more of what is going on around you.

So really, there is no reason to dread the holidays in particular – think of it as an opportunity to break free of habitual thinking, as you find new ways to face situations where you are faced with painful memories.

Whether You Are With A Cougar Or A Sugar Daddy, Here’s How To Make The Age Difference Work For You!

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Even though the social situation of men dating and marrying “cougars” seems to be a relatively new idea, it’s actually been around for quite awhile. Some famous cougar women of the Twentieth Century include Mary Tyler Moore, Dinah Shore, Cher, Lana Turner, and, of course, Demi Moore. All of them were and are very sexy, vibrant women who attracted and sometimes married much younger sexy and virile men. Burt Reynolds, who was Dinah Shore’s love for a number of years, was twenty years her junior.

The older men who marry younger women have been called “sugar daddies” because, generally speaking, older men tend to be financially stable, able to afford a lifestyle for their second or third (or fourth) younger wives that the women would not be privy to with a man their own age.

Why Age Differentiated Couples Get Together

Today, life is both more complicated and simpler for couples with a big age difference. Financial security doesn’t necessarily come with age and the stigma that used to accompany these relationships is no longer as intense as it once was. More of us find ourselves in second and third (or more) committed relationships in the course of our lives. More age differentiated couples are formed due to mutual attraction and chemistry and less as a result of his or her net worth securing another’s youth and beauty.

What all this means is that couples with a big age difference between them are more likely to have formed due to healthy reasons, like falling in love! However, the game these couples play is complex. There are certain rules that help all players involved succeed. That’s what I want to share with you today.

I come to this article a little prejudiced. My husband, Joseph, is seventeen years my senior. Of all the memorable incidents related to our age difference, the most entertaining one to share happened after we’d been married for a number of years. Sitting across from a couple we’d just been introduced to at a luncheon, I watched their faces change expression as they figured out how to label us. At first they thought we were father and daughter. Their faces clearly revealed their discomfort with the apparent incestuous energy between us! When they discovered we were husband and wife, their faces relaxed momentarily only to scrunch up again as they clearly assumed Joseph was my sugar daddy!

How To Make The Age Difference Work For You

Learn to laugh together over those who will judge you. And they will. It doesn’t matter how sophisticated your family and friends may be, the age difference will push some buttons. Let that be their problem.

Respect the wisdom that comes with the greater number of years your partner has on you. This doesn’t mean you accept condescension from them. In fact, a good way to avoid being patronized is to appreciate their life experience and what that adds to both your lives.

There will be generation gaps. Accept them. Between Joseph and me it’s pretty harmless. I love situation comedies and he can’t stand them. I like his Rock ‘n Roll favorites from the early decades while he only tolerates the soft rock I prefer from later decades. These likes and dislikes aren’t worth forcing on each other. If there is something about your generation that he or she doesn’t appreciate, you are not being rejected. Let it go.

Respect the tension that might exist between you and your parents, aunts and uncles, and family friends who are the same generation as your lover or spouse. You now operate in their field of influence, so to speak, in a way you never did before. They may or may not be comfortable with this. It isn’t worth trying to fix. Let them work out how they deal with the tension and let them handle it. A 50-year-old referring to a 48-year-old as her “daughter-in-law” isn’t the end of the world, particularly when another parent considers her a good friend. As long as they’re doing their best and not trying to offend, let them off the hook.

Choose Your Battles

There are too many easy battles on this playing field that aren’t worth fighting. You do well to observe first and for a long time, giving yourself a chance to respond later. Similar to dealing with how your parents handle it, you may have his or her grown children in your life who are your peers or even older than you. It is wise to allow all these people their processes around your union while expecting to be respected at the same time.

Making friends as a couple can be a challenge. You may find that your friends are not comfortable with your lover (or spouse) and his or her friends are not comfortable with you (especially if there is an “ex” they are fond of). Getting married doesn’t make it any easier for the old friends to get on board. There’s a risk of becoming isolated but hang in there. Do things you both enjoy that involve other people and you’ll make new friends of a variety of ages who appreciate both of you.

This list isn’t exhaustive but it will get you started in the right direction. The simple version is respect and cherish each other for the unique gifts you each bring to what is still a unique relationship. Play and have fun. Let the good chemistry between you be evident for others to witness and they will eventually release their judgment and embrace your love for each other.

The Cuddle Chemical Is Good News For Her, Bad News For Him

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A secret to relationship happiness that I’m going to share with you today comes from a teleconference I was on with Dr. John Gray, the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars relationship help expert. On the call, John talked about a chemical called “oxytocin” that many relationship experts have been talking about lately. It is referred to as the “cuddle chemical” because it rises inside men and women when we cuddle, have sex, have good communication, and in general experience romance

John shared a piece of information about oxytocin that I found transformative. Science shows that whereas this cuddle chemical rising in women causes them to relax; when it rises in men, it causes them stress. Conversely, testosterone rising in men causes them to relax, while its rising in women causes us to stress out! I realized I’d seen proof of this in my own life and figured out how to use the information to increase connection between men and women.

How To Be Close To Your Partner

Here’s how you can use this information to create connection and closeness that works for both of you.

To begin with, there are other things than sex and orgasms that increase oxytocin levels. Good communication raises it. Romantic gestures raise it. Cuddling raises it. Singing in a choir raises oxytocin. But also, an activity like “feathering the nest” raises it. For instance, when we have company coming and I am focused and driven on getting the house clean and perfect, this activity raises my testosterone and stresses me out. On the other hand, when I don’t have an agenda of company coming but instead am puttering around the house, getting the same kind of cleaning done (but at my own pace in my own time), I find this activity very pleasant because it increases oxytocin.

Similarly, when men are involved in activities and problem solving, their testosterone raises and they feel great! It’s one of the reasons why men rush in with solutions when their women want to talk about problems. The release of testosterone feels good, even supporting a man’s sense of his own intuition and internal guidance that he’s spot on with delivering help. It’s one of the reasons why communication breaking down when he offers solutions is so frustrating. It’s because for both of you, the other is acting counter-intuitively, going against what you know in your gut works for you when it comes to problem solving.

How You Both Can Get What You Need

However, you can use this information to create connection and closeness in such a way that you both sometimes get exactly what you need while at other times making sure the other gets exactly what he or she needs.

If as a woman, you will sometimes participate in bonding activities with your husband that raise his testosterone level, he will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! Such activities can be attending a sports game, enjoying a round of golf or another recreational sport, or even just hanging out with him while he does his favorite hobby. If he’s fixing up the car or working in the garden and you just hang out with him, this simple activity will be a bonding agent for him. I realize that, as a woman, that doesn’t make a bit of sense to you but it does to him.

Yet Another Way Women Are More Complex Than Men

Gentlemen, there are things you can do that will raise her oxytocin, bonding her more closely to you. For instance, sometimes sit and let her talk. Let her talk it all out without trying to fix anything, she will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! One thing you can do which might appease your desire to fix the problem without making her feel dismissed is you can actively listen. That means mirror back to her what she said or what you thought you heard.

For instance, your wife’s boss is acting weird and she thinks the boss wants to accuse her of not pulling her weight. You might say something like, “I hear you saying that you feel like your boss suspects you’re not pulling your weight but won’t come right out and confront you.” She’ll either affirm or correct your perception and dive in deeper into the conversation. I realize that doesn’t even come close to your being able to provide a solution, but your wife will think you hung the moon if, every once in awhile, this is how you listen! (If you just listen and say nothing, she’ll think you’re angry or not really interested and become insecure or angry herself.)

Another thing a man can do with a woman is cuddle up to her and ask, “Give me two or three romantic ideas and I’ll either choose one or be inspired to come up with a fourth choice by this weekend.” This gets you past her wanting you to read her mind, which you can’t do anyway. And it allows you to surprise her with an afternoon or night of romance with complete confidence on your part.

I can’t help but observe it took me one paragraph to tell women what to do to be with a man in such a way that his testosterone increases, he relaxes, and he bonds with her verses the three paragraphs it took to tell men what to do to be with a woman in such a way that her oxytocin increases, she relaxes, and bonds with him. What can I say, fellows? You know we women are more complex than you. The challenge for us women is getting how easy it is to please you and bond with you and just do it!

Confidence Is Nature’s Best Aphrodisiac

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“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.” – Aimee Mullins

I remember as a teenager, being so self-absorbed, hoping my Prince Charming would come along and rescue me from my life as I knew it! One day I read an article in a woman’s magazine about my very predicament. This article informed me that there was no way Prince Charming was going to come rescue me. He wasn’t going to do it because sad, pouting women are not appealing to any Prince Charming.

You Won’t Catch A Prince By Being A Sad, Pouting Princess

This was before the self-help field and resources burst upon the scene. Within a handful of years, the same article would have communicated that any man who did rescue a sad, pouting woman likely had issues of his own. The pair would create a dysfunctional union sure to self-destruct in time.

All I know is that article was one of the things I’ve read in my life that turned my life around. I wish I’d kept it so I could thank the author. I must have instinctively understood what she meant and got busy becoming a funny and flirtatious young woman, allowing my sense of humor and easy laughter to dominate my interactions with people. It didn’t make me any less serious. When I hurt, I allowed myself to process what hurt. When I was angry, I dealt with it. I simply quit taking myself so seriously that I was getting in my own way of having a fun and rewarding youth.

I have kept that advice close to my heart, allowing it to inform my life ever since. From having sweet boyfriends in high school and college to attracting my husband to making friends and getting along well with acquaintances and strangers, generally content and happy people attract good stuff from other people.

Confidence Can Help You Avoid Bad Relationships

In my early thirties, I did get into a rut with a destructive relationship that eventually found me in a low grade depression for a number of years. During that time, the happy version of me was more of a comfortable mask as the relationship tore at my self-esteem, wearing down my confidence.

Towards the end of that phase of my life, I realized something that turned my life around once again. Perhaps because the relationship wasn’t serving me, I found myself studying and admiring other men. With those who were in relationships, I’d study and admire their women as well. Whether it was a Hollywood couple or the couple next door, I think I was looking for answers to my problems in the success other seemed to find.

My observations taught me something precious that goes along with the “Prince Charming likes a happy, confidant woman” thing. I learned that confidence is sexy. I mean it is the sexiest attribute a person can own! Confidence can turn less than attractive looks and turn them into glorious imperfections that you can’t wait to get close to!

Confidence Is A Turn On

Think about it. Patricia Arquette has those adorable crooked teeth. When is her smile the most appealing? Whenever she radiates confidence. Consider Hollywood’s leading men. Any number of them you would not find nearly as handsome without their delicious confidence in tact. Will Smith has funny ears. Who cares? His confidence is so attractive! Christian Bale is a perfect example. He’s played roles where he was insecure, even a little psychotic as well as roles where he exuded confidence. As Batman he is drop dead sexy. It goes far beyond the body building. It’s the confidence. In the roles where he is convincingly insecure, he doesn’t look like someone you want to get close to.

Personally, the chemistry between my husband, Joseph, and me when one or both of us is feeling especially confident; even if we come off a little cocky, is palatably richer. Because the chemistry is good, period; the fact that I can tell that confidence still makes a difference is convincing enough to me that I’m on to something here.

Besides, remember I told you about that destructive relationship where I wound up in a low grade depression? When I began practicing confidence, both the depression and the relationship unraveled, freeing me to have a new life where I got to attract Joseph. I highly recommend confidence as an aphrodisiac and general life enhancer!

Are You Trying To Outmaneuver (Or Out-Mother) His Mother?

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When you try to take the place of your man’s mother, even compete with her for his attention, you are trying to outmaneuver her at her game. That isn’t the game you want to play. It doesn’t matter if both he and she seem to hook you into that game on a daily basis. What game you play with your husband/significant other is your choice!

Your Happiness Relies Only On You

It takes to two to tango. And even though, if you’ve been in a relationship with a mama’s boy, you might want to make a reference to how three can’t tango and that’s what you’ve got in your house; your happiness is up to you, baby. It isn’t dependent on your man or his mother. It’s all about you. Let me explain.

First of all, there are a variety of types of mama’s boys out there. In fact, there are so many that if you swear off all mama’s boys, you won’t have a whole lot of men left to choose from. Sure, the stereotypical mama’s boy still tied to his mother’s apron strings can make you feel pathetic and hopeless. That type may be easy enough to steer clear of. But then there are the mama’s boys who are incredible nurturers of the women and children in their lives. Man, these men seem to be ideal! And, in many ways they are. However, such nurturers, while they may never ask their mother’s advice, they may not be able to make a decision without your advice. Interestingly, this can become annoying, especially when a woman desires leadership from her husband.

Different Types Of Mama’s Boys

There’s another type of mama’s boy that appears macho, independent, and fiery. While this man comes across as passionate and sexy, when his jealousy is stirred, his need for you to make him the absolute center of your universe can become too intense to live with – not to mention, dangerous!

Another type of mama’s boy is the perpetual teenager. He has a lot of energy. He can get things done and take action when required. But he requires a whole lot of attention too. No matter what’s going down in the family with anyone else, all of it seems to always be all about him from his perception. That just becomes exhausting.

What all these types have in common is the need for their woman’s undying attention, devotion and “mothering“– but not that of a lover’s attention and devotion. For the woman, and sometimes for bystanders, his need for maternal attention and devotion can be seen, heard, and felt. It can be a minor annoyance or make her skin crawl. It can be something they laugh about, with her gently challenging him to show up as an adult male; or, it can make her feel trapped in a prison. It can be something she dismisses or something she tries to control.

Another thing all these types have in common is the number of daddy’s girls in their lives! Daddy’s girls are the other side of the mama’s boy coin. When they were growing up, daddy’s girls were encouraged to either take care of their fathers, in some way replacing their mothers; or encouraged to take their absent fathers’ places with their mothers. Both situations lead little girls to perceive themselves as superior to men, which is exactly the kind of woman a mama’s boy attracts.

Don’t Treat Your Mama’s Boy Like A Child

When you find yourself wanting to sit him down and “teach” him about relationships, you’re treating him like a child. When you get impatient, dismissive, and disrespectful about his habits, speech, whatever, you’re taking on the role of mother, as if he’s a little boy. When you spend valuable time complaining about his behavior or choices either to his face or behind his back, you’re acting like a victimized mom who can’t control her son. Perhaps it goes without saying that when you correct anything about him, particularly on a regular basis, you have assumed the role of mother.

By taking on the role of mom with your man, you yourself undermine the potential for the two of you to have an adult relationship heavy on romance and passion, light on power struggle. Just because women are hard wired for relationships and instinctively know how to “do” relationship better than men, doesn’t mean we should come at them all superior and bossy. Those attitudes are certainly a turn off for everyone involved!

How To Tango

Play the game of love and adult romance by refusing to go to either little girl, the doting mother, or overbearing mama bear with your man. Keep choosing to be the receptive woman within your relationship. Do not fall into the temptation of being the one to fix or correct him.

When you feel superior to him, put your attention on some quality of his that catches your breath. If you can’t think of such a quality, search your memory for when you once noticed those qualities and put your attention there. Chances are you’ve just fallen out of the habit of noticing the things about him that turn you on. Revive that habit!

Remind yourself that he isn’t your father, your son, your brother, your student, or even an old boyfriend. He is the man in your life you have chosen to love and respect. Put your attention there. Whatever brings you out of daddy’s girl needing to fix, cajole, protect, defend, or punish your man; go to that place that places you firmly in the place of willing, adult, romantic and sexual partner of this man with whom no one, especially not his mother, can compete. The more you hang out there, the more he and the relationship will mirror your intention. That is an appropriate use of your innate relationship talent!