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What Gives A Woman Sex Appeal?

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Recently I ran across a fellow relationship coach’s online sales copy for a membership site she offers to women.  It promised all kinds of yummy things.  Better sex, greater intimacy, your man looking at you the way he did when you first fell in love or, if you were single, men looking at you in ways they never did before.  She delivered the invitation in a video that was smart, sexy, and charming.

Stopping Sexual Manipulation

Who wouldn’t want that?  I wanted to know more, so I signed up for more information.  Immediately, I got directed to another page with long sales copy and another video.  As the video began, I scrolled down the page, speed reading the copy.  Suddenly, I heard her say something from the video I couldn’t believe I’d heard!  But I did…I heard it!  She said, “We need to stop making men wrong for all the ways they piss us off!  I totally validate you, but…”  Then a moment later, I heard this, “We’ve got to stop withholding sex from them when they’ve been little s**ts!  Again, I totally validate you!  Yet this is high level manipulation and it’s got to end because it’s pushing away the very connection you yearn for.”

Hold on!  I think the attitude behind those statements pushes away the very connection a woman yearns for!  At that point, she didn’t sound smart, sexy, or charming.  While her intention in the first video seemed to be to connect women with their delicious, pleasure filled, goddess selves in order to draw forth the sex appeal that would attract more men than the women know what to do with; the attitude expressed in the second video, in my opinion, had nothing to do with connection, pleasure, or sex appeal that would turn a man’s head.

What Makes A Sexy Woman?

The sexiest women I know don’t call men names and they don’t commiserate with other women about how their men disappoint them.  The sexiest women I know genuinely like men.  They think men are pretty great.  Rather than being threatened by a man’s testosterone, they admire how it makes men different in all the ways that compliment women.

Women with lots of sex appeal enjoy the company of men.  They like to listen to men share their stories of victory and defeat.  These women make lots of direct eye contact, neither getting lost in the man nor being preoccupied with themselves. Women with lots of sex appeal like and love themselves.  They enjoy their own company.  They’re not waiting for the right man to come along to fill them and make them complete.  They are already whole and complete, fully understanding what they bring to the relationship.

Relationships With Sexy Women

I’ve observed these kinds of women and while I personally find them very appealing, it’s how their men interact with them that seals the deal on my willingness to say these are the sexiest women I know.  Their men genuinely enjoy their company.  Their men are chivalrous without being condescending.  Their men laugh at their jokes, appreciating their minds as well as their bodies and the light in their eyes.  Their men are smitten and rightly so!

If you asked my husband, Joseph, he’d probably tell you I’m just such a woman.  I don’t know about that!  I have my own struggles with letting the men in my life be men.  Yesterday, I had a personal victory where feminine sex appeal is concerned.  The nature of the victory might surprise you but it is an example of how this gets played out in the day-to-day minutia of life.

As I cleaned up the kitchen after a meal Joseph had cooked, he came in from digging up potatoes with two mysteriously shaped boxes that had just been delivered.  The type of boxes posters are mailed in, I laughed as I realized they were the Rain-X windshield wipers I’d ordered for our car.

We opened the boxes and he got busy taking out the wipers, reading the directions, and started doing what he thought needed to be done to prepare them to replace our old wipers with them.  This activity made me nervous.  At one point I gently offered that I’d be happy to be the one to go to some car place and ask them to put them on for me.  That got no response.  Several minutes later he asked, “Are you sure you got the right wipers for our car?”  “Yes!” I replied.

A little bit later he said, “Could you hand me a kitchen knife.”  Inside my head I took note of which wiper he had in his hands and how much it cost and refused to say, “Don’t break it!” as I handed him the knife for him to use as a tool.  I don’t know how many times I refused to say out loud, “Don’t break it!” Suddenly, there was a snap and it was done.  The wiper was ready to go on the car and it was perfect!  Wah-hooo!  He felt great about getting them on himself and I felt wonderful for having kept my mouth shut, my attitude in a good place, and the day moving forward without a hitch!

Be Confident In Your Man

That, my friends, makes me a sexually appealing woman!  Had I failed and said, “Don’t break it,” my lack of confidence in my man and my need to feel superior would have been like throwing cold water on both of us.  Even if we had lightly teased each other about it, I would have felt chagrin and he would have felt some measure of shame. Honestly, sometimes the differences between men and women are experienced as incredibly frustrating.  

However, the more we can appreciate the mystery of the differences between the sexes and choose to genuinely like each other, the greater our sex appeal and the more love we get to experience.  At the end of the day, it’s all about the more love we get to experience!

The Problem With Pleasure

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The problem with pleasure is nothing…except the interpretation we bring to it.  Sometimes I think the only other topic with more confusion around it is that of money (i.e. the misreading of scripture that “money is the root of all evil”).  From a similar, puritanical place we are taught that pleasure is synonymous with selfishness.  That it degrades the spirit.  That giving pleasure is better than receiving it.  That we shouldn’t have too much fun because then something bad will happen.

Different Kinds Of Pleasure

There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone.  Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure.  But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life.  In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits.  And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.

For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents.  To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt.  There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal.  But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness.  Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!

Over-Pleasing

Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives.  They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts!  They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued.  The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them.  They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.

There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated.  However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag.  Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides.  Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results.  They fear coming across as too self-centered.  Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure.  It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.

Sexual Pleasure

If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well.  Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure.  If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression.  Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.

Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world.  However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life.  It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day.  People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives.  If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires.  If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want.  Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well.  A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.

Pleasing Yourself

With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value.  You say, “I love you!” to yourself.  You give yourself good strokes for things well done.  You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself.  You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure.  As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well.  And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is How Men Spell Love

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I got a phone call this week from a woman whose relationship was falling apart. It had been fading for a long time and likely didn’t have the potential to be re-birthed. She wanted a magic cure for it. I worked with her from her perspective of trying to save it and towards the end of an hour long conversation, we got to the nuts and bolts of what had likely gone wrong; which was also the thing that could bring the relationship back to life.

Losing All Respect

What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.

As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”

She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”

How To Express Your Respect

I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter.  This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve.  It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!

Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.”  Relationships can’t be perfect.  Life and relationships are messy on this planet.  The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling.  Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!

Grief Can Affect Your Relationship In Surprising Ways

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Our beloved dog, Buddy, died this week.  As a rescue dog, we were never sure of his age, but believe he was at least fifteen.  He was a big black dog with white and black dotted “socks” on his feet.  Of all the breeds that contributed to his physique, the Labrador retriever in him was most evident.  He was beautiful and he seemed to think I had hung the moon.  He was a dear family member and, although it is a privilege to be able to help a pet exit this earthly plane, letting him go was painful.

How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship

This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship.  Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship.  Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks!  It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.

There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship.  The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward.  It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives.  If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before.  Impatience and arguments can then ensue.

How Grief Affects You

Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief.  Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage.  Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall.  At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.

Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache.  It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state.  It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless.  Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more.  Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.

Grieving affects your appetite.  Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less.  If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up.  If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress.  If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.

Grief Is An Expression Of Love

When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere.  My dog Buddy was my shadow.  With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant.  Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever.  During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty.  When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.

The solution to the problem is time and patience.  Joy will return.  Happiness will come back.  Sleeping through the night will occur.  Laughter will fill the belly.  These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly.  You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return.  In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.

If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there.  Grief is an expression of love.  Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet.  In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.

A Big Mistake Newlyweds Make

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“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.”  – Bert Hellinger

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.”  As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!”  It caught him off guard as he did a double take.  But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy.  I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually!  He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!”  His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!”  It’s what kids do with their mothers.  She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here.  This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old.  Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied.  It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another.  That legal bond is deeply affecting.  When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen.  One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other.  No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son.  So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment.  This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower.  I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow.  Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic.  It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt.  The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit.  Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside.  It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark.  It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it.  Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there.  You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish.  I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother.  That will be a fine day indeed!  Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore.  By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!