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The Ugly Truth Revealed

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My husband, Joseph, and I recently attended a workshop where we heard the following relationship truth.  “Usually, women want their men to change.  Usually, men do not want their women to change.  Mostly, men don’t change.”

It reminded me of the scene in the movie, The Ugly Truth, where Mike tells Abby that personal growth ends for men at toilet training!  And then I read the words of a respected spiritual advisor that went something like this, “You wouldn’t leave the nurturing and care of your business in the hands of a kindergartner, why do you leave the nurturing and care of your relationship in the hands of your husband?!”  That spiritual advisor, by the way, is a man not a woman!

Can You Change A Man?

When information comes in threes, I pay attention.  What is the message here and is it any deeper than, “Don’t expect a man to change?”  I think the answers are yes and yes; there is a message and it is deep.

Men and women are hard wired to bring very different but complementary gifts to relationships.  Hundreds and thousands of years ago, these different and complementary gifts gave us very few problems and a lot to celebrate. Presently, however, men and women spend so much time together both in society and at home, that we women expect men to understand us the way our sisters do and men expect women to understand them the way their brothers do.  But we don’t understand each other in that way and no amount of wishing will make it so.

Some of the gifts a man brings to a relationship include wanting to protect his lady, desiring to take care of her, feeling as though he must earn her trust and admiration.  This means when she brings a problem to him, he doesn’t want to listen to every little detail and allow her to process.  He wants to offer advice or action that will bring an end to the problem and her processing!  He has no patience for her need to talk it all out.  That is counter intuitive to his soul and counter productive to providing for her happiness.

Should You Try To Change A Man?

It especially means he doesn’t want to hear how he “done her wrong.”  If things he does or says offend her and she tells him every little detail of why what he does or says doesn’t work for her, she communicates to him that he’s the problem, even the enemy.  It makes him want to fix that problem, which can look like him leaving.  Whether he leaves for a short while and goes to his cave to process the problem or whether he leaves for good; if she communicates that he is the problem, she limits his options to help her.

These gifts of wanting to protect his lady, desiring to take care of her, and feeling as though he must earn her trust and admiration also mean he doesn’t suffer fools lightly.  If she has a friend, co-worker, family member, or superior who disrespects her, he will want to communicate to that person in no uncertain terms that he or she needs to back off from his lady or they will have him to deal with.  And if he cannot get to them and if his lady insists on maintaining a relationship with a person who abuses her, she will find herself on the receiving end of his impatience.

Accept Your Man – As Is

It is fine for a husband and wife to name each other as best friends.  However, men don’t want to be treated like girlfriends.  They want to be respected as men, as difference makers, as protectors and providers.  And so, if you want to change him in order to improve him, making him more like you; you are, in fact, asking him to sacrifice the beautiful qualities that make him a man and that bring sexual chemistry to your union.

If you are a man reading this, imagine how you can be proactive about communicating these ideas to your lady.  Even though you are not hard wired to nurture and grow the relationship, you do have a responsibility for the unique gifts you bring to it.  Especially if she wants to make you over in her image, you could invade her space a little bit, come right out and tell her, “I want to be your lover, not your girlfriend.”  That said with desire coloring the words, “I want to be your lover,” are capable of cutting through her resistance.  Though it may be a scene that needs to be repeated once in a while, the rewards are worth it!

Erotic Fundamentalism

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Erotic fundamentalism doesn’t have anything to do with the fundamentals of eroticism! Think “religious fundamentalism” and we’re getting closer to the term’s meaning.

Are Opposite Sex Friendships Harmful?

There’s a movement across the land of the free encouraging people to restrict their interaction with members of the opposite sex because an innocent, platonic friendship can become emotional infidelity, eventually becoming physical. I even recently wrote an article for AskDanandJennifer.com about the vulnerability of opposite sex friendships becoming emotional affairs prior to getting physical. However, I did not offer advice at the extreme I heard recently. That extreme advice was to just say no to friendships with the opposite sex. That’s just crazy! Although, I must say, it isn’t surprising in a society where six year old little boys can be suspended from school when they “sexually harass” their teachers!

While there is benefit to paying attention to whether or not you are more excited to see a co-worker than you are your spouse, suggesting you might have a crush on the co-worker with the need to wake up to that fact; refusing to make friends with the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship only adds fire to fuel of infidelity. What you resist persists. It is why various charismatic preachers have been caught with their pants down with the wrong woman or man through the years. Putting too much attention on what’s wrong with sex, suggests one protests too much. And if that is true then before too long it will come around to bite one in the butt.

More Comfortable With Violence Than Sexual Expression?

I don’t know if erotic fundamentalists are like other kinds of fundamentalists who are more comfortable with violence than they are with sexual expression. I suspect they are. A prescription for infidelity that includes refusing to make friends with the opposite sex suggests that sexuality is to be considered repugnant. Sex, more than love, is the source of life. You can have babies with or without love. But only sex brings forth life. In my experience, those who find sex repugnant, find violence appealing.

Our television and movie viewing habits reveal America’s obsession with violence and revulsion of sex. I remember when I read that a movie is given an NC-17 rating when the people copulating in it reach orgasm at the same time. If the director edits the film so that their orgasms occur seconds apart, they can have an R rating and increase their audience.

The Ugly Truth?

I thought I was above the preference for violence over sex thing until I saw “The Ugly Truth” for the first time. Having a not-so-secret crush on Gerard Butler, I couldn’t wait to see him in a chick flick where his character didn’t have to die! As I sat through my first viewing of the movie, I found myself laughing at the raunchy humor while dying a little inside. Gerard quickly fell off the pedestal I’d had him on. In one scene in particular, he uses the phrase “flick the bean” repeatedly, referring to a woman pleasuring herself.

I left the movie remembering his performances in “Phantom of the Opera” and “300,” saying, “King Leonidas and the Phantom do not say, ‘flick the bean!’ They’re too classy for that!” Then I added, “Of course, they kill people but they don’t say, ‘flick the bean!'” I was humbled to realize I was just like every other American who was comfortable with violence, uncomfortable with sex.

I went back and saw “The Ugly Truth” a second time. It really is best not to put anyone on a pedestal whether they are a real part of your life or part of that grand public parade out there. It was much better for me the second time around!

We do not need to constrict our expressions of love, affection, and friendship with anyone – opposite or same sex person. Resisting the natural inclination for innocent flirtations with and genuine support of friends will not cure what ails us. Being attracted to someone other than your spouse or significant other simply means you are still in the game. You are still alive and vibrant. And, if you like this language, it means your kundalini is healthy. Take responsibility for how you express love, affection, and friendship but please don’t call it quits. If you do, you’ll not only do violence to your heart and soul; you’ll likely find yourself single again and able to flirt all you want with whomever you want while your broken heart keeps you company.

Online Dating Sites Begin The Dating Process, Not Be The Engagement Period!

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A friend I love dearly was recently asked out on a date as a result of an online dating site she belongs to. She was thrilled and frightened. But she was scared in that good way when you are facing down a fear, stretching yourself to be more, and confident that no matter what happens, you will love yourself for trying! Yes, it had been awhile since she had been out on a date. No matter, she was ready to accept the possibility that there might still be romance in her future.

The Benefits – And Downfalls – Of Dating In The Internet Age

One benefit to dating sites is you have access to your date’s birthday before you even meet. Do you know what that means? It means you have access to valuable information about them. You can consult a zodiac chart or something called The Cards of Destiny or any other system that uses birthdates to determine personalities and compatibility. My friend was seriously looking into her compatibility with this date before they’d even met! She was pinning a lot of hope on this first date.

We suggested to her that she just relax and let the date unfold without putting that much intensity into it. After all, it was just a first date between two people who hadn’t yet met in person. They weren’t considering marriage. It was just too early to require so much of any date – much less a first date.

When it was the evening before the date, she received an email from him. He told her he was calling off the date. He said she seemed to be too busy, that what he wanted was to travel, and he couldn’t see her being available for that. Inside herself she responded, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!”

Just One Date

What he missed out on by canceling on her was a lot! He missed out on the chance to connect with another person – a woman. He missed out on the opportunity to get to know himself better in conversation with her. He missed out on the prospect of enjoying the mystery of someone new in his life. He lost the possibility that she may have been ready to trade in her busyness for some travel. He lost the opportunity to make a new friend. He lost self-respect by backing out, being unwilling to keep his word for just one date.

Also, though, there was something very profound when she responded with, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!” The fact that my friend wanted to do an astrological compatibility on this man before she even met him made me want to talk her off the ledge of thinking this date was that important. We gave her the advice to just relax and enjoy herself. At the risk of sounding sexist, it seemed typical of a woman to jump so far ahead in her anticipation of this date. It never occurred to me that he might be in the same position of putting entirely too much stress on this first date – having entirely too heavy an agenda for it.

Enjoy Dating – Don’t Make It More Than It Is

My friend’s online dating experience prompts this advice from me. For single adults of all ages, try to relax and enjoy dating. You are likely to attract the right one as well as be the right one when you are relaxed and not taking life quite so seriously. Even if it has been years or decades since you visited the dating scene, there is more to be gained from a relaxed attitude than there is from the constriction of needing each date to hold so much meaning. Love comes unbidden, in its own time and on its own terms. You cannot force it no matter how much anxiety and agenda you bring to a first date. You may as well relax and enjoy the journey! There are far more benefits to that state of mind.

I Think My Boyfriend is a Mama’s Boy – Can You Help Me?!

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Every once in awhile, I get emails from women who need unique relationship help. They have identified their significant others as mama’s boys and want to know if they should continue to try to love them or leave them. Now, mama’s boys come in a variety of personalities. A real macho dude can be every bit his mother’s son even as the man who is still tied to her apron strings. But these emails are specifically about the “apron strings mama’s boys.”

Is Your Boyfriend Or Husband A Mama’s Boy?

Having changed identifying details to protect the innocent, a recent email read something like this.

“I have invested several years in my relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is his elderly mother. He has lived with her in her house for a decade! She runs his life! They share everything. They even have matching robes. They divide up household chores and expenses as if they are husband and wife. When I visit him in her home, I certainly feel like an interloper, trespassing on their relationship. She doesn’t like me and tries to undermine my relationship with her son at every turn. I can’t get through to him. He just doesn’t see the problem. I’ve broken up with him several times but it’s the sex that keeps me coming back for more. I just feel he has so much potential that he is wasting living this life style with his mother. To be perfectly honest, his lifestyle disgusts me. Can you help? Should I follow my friends’ advice and finally dump him?”

What To Do With A Mama’s Boy

This is my advice for her. Your mama’s boy is in a very intense situation.  The biggest hurdle seems to be that he’s happy living with his mom.  It sounds like whatever you do to change your behavior to make a difference; they both react in an effort to maintain the status quo. The bottom line here is he doesn’t want to change! 

In my work, I talk a lot about looking at your relationship as a mirror of you.  I think your best bet is to let this relationship go; but as you do so, acknowledge it as your creation so that you don’t have to create it again.  When you can take this level of responsibility – honoring your relationship as a mirror of you and as something you created to learn from – then you’re in a much better space to create a healthier relationship next time.

The sex draws you back in because you two are now chemically attached.  The “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin, is released in peoples’ systems when they make love and it contributes to the sense of attachment.  Great sex by itself is evidence of good chemistry but NOT evidence that the relationship is meant to be or that the relationship will ultimately serve you somehow.

You Are Worthy Of Better Love

I think this relationship has served you in terms of letting you know that you don’t want this kind of dysfunction and that you are worthy of better love. I don’t think this man can detach himself enough from his mother to love you better.  Not because he isn’t capable of growth but because he’s apparently content with her and their lifestyle.

Good luck!  You don’t want to waste more years on anyone who can’t really love you back as a full fledged adult. Your friends’ advice is to leave this mama’s boy and get on with your life. If you choose to leave then leave it knowing you created this mama’s boy in your life with clarity that you do not want to do this again. Without that clarity, you will attract to you another mama’s boy in a different form. 

These changes in your life take courage and a lot of self-love. The changes are 1) choosing to look at your relationship as a mirror of you; 2) treating it as something you created so that you know you can create better for yourself; and 3) leaving the relationship because you deserve better. You loving you is the best foundation for a healthy relationship because the more you love you, the more you attract people who can love you too.

When Preoccupation With The Stuff Of Life Interferes With Your Love Life

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There are times when the stuff of life gets in the way of good loving. Whether it’s the demands of work, raising children, or friends and family who need extra attention, life is messy and therefore demanding. My husband and I have experienced this lately and stumbled upon a cure for turning our attention back on us as a couple.

The secret to breaking free of preoccupation with the stuff of life is simple and direct. It lies in the nature of who you are as a man and a woman.

Talking Sexy

If your husband is the one who is preoccupied, find moments to talk sexy. Find double entendres in his speech and get the pair of you giggling. Without needing anything from him in return, admire something about him that you find sexy. It could be the sound of his voice, the way he rests his weight on one leg while resting his hands on his hips when he’s standing around waiting for someone, the hair around his temples graying, or the way he handled a difficult situation. Whatever you can admire about your man, do it without a need for attention. In a relaxed atmosphere, your sexy talk and admiration will soften the cloud of preoccupation hovering around him. He’ll rest his handsome eyes on you, take you in, and allow the chemistry between you to percolate.

Talking Her Up

If your wife is the one who is preoccupied, find genuine ways to compliment her. If her hair is especially pretty or her outfit is particularly becoming, tell her so. If she has just cooked a delicious meal, really pour on the praise and do one more thing. Insist on either cleaning up after supper or insist on helping. Even if she is an “I’ve gotta do it my way so don’t get in my way” kind of woman and can actually be irritated by an extra pair of helping hands, then just clear the table for her. Or find her favorite music or something on television she’s keen on to keep her company while she works.

One of the nicest ways to compliment any woman is to notice the things she does to keep the household running smoothly, tell her you appreciate it, and offer to do some of those things so that she can have time to herself to relax. Particularly when she is preoccupied with fresh demands on her, perhaps a good friend is having surgery, for example; you can anticipate some of the stuff she usually takes care of and tell her you will handle it.

Talking Magic

You probably noticed that I suggest you do two completely different things depending on the sex of the person who is preoccupied. That is purposeful, so let me explain. When your spouse is preoccupied while you pine for his or her attention, the best way to get that attention is to get inside his or her head.

Most men are crazy about sex. A woman who can tease and cajole about sexy topics gets her man in touch with the thing that connects him to his heart, sex. That kind of gentle love talk can persuade him to relax and take notice of her like a magic spell. Most women feel as though they give too much. When her man appreciates everything she does, continues to find her attractive, and is proactive about lending a helping hand, he hands her an aphrodisiac that works, again, like magic.

So break through the preoccupation with the stuff of life by putting attention on the things that will speak care, concern, and interest to your spouse the most. While the “stuff” may continue to need his or her attention, you can get a little loving attention for yourself to tide you over till life is normal again.