Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for speaksexy

Who’s Responsible for Contraception – the Man or the Woman?

By

Having sex for the first time with a new partner is always an exercise in silent negotiation.

Issues such as who will take the dominant role or when the undressing will begin abound and are often worked out using body language, eye contact, and other non-verbal communication cues.

Although these stealthy tools are enough to successfully answer most of the questions that arise during those initial moments of sexual bliss, the issue of contraception is not and should not be one of them.

Don’t Rely on Your Partner to “Take Care Of” Contraception

Unfortunately many women still rely on the man to bring a condom, and many men still rely on the woman to be “on the pill.” Obviously this can lead to a very unfortunate situation in which he doesn’t have a condom and she in not taking an oral contraceptive, leaving them with the choice of either not having sex at all, or having unprotected sex.

Both of these options are bad, and more often than not couples will choose to have sex anyway. This decision not only increases their chances of an unwanted pregnancy, but also of acquiring an unwanted sexually transmitted infection such as HIV or herpes. (Remember condoms should not only be used to prevent pregnancy but to prevent the spread of STD’s as well!)

The easiest way to avoid having to make such a hormonally charged decision is for both partners to take equal responsibility for having a condom on their person – be it in a pocket, a purse, a sock, where ever. Even though it’s the man who wears it, the woman gets just as many benefits from its use, and she should feel comfortable taking the initiative to safeguard her own health and well being. In fact some condom companies are marketing male condoms directly to women by using sexy packaging and imagery in order to promote this healthy habit.

Oral contraceptives do not prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections and should not be the only form of protection used between new lovers. It’s also important to remember that many women rightfully refuse to use oral contraceptives because of the negative side effects they experience while taking them or because of other health concerns. (For example women with a familial history of strokes are advised not to use oral contraceptives).

An even greater number of women discontinue using “the pill” during periods of prolonged abstinence – such as between relationships. So even if she has used oral contraceptives with her past lovers, there’s a good chance that she is not currently using them if this is your first time having sex with each other! Never assume a woman is using an oral contraceptive. If you are unsure, ask her. If you are both ready to have sex, then you should be able to have an honest conversation about contraception.

SHE Should Not Be the Only One Deciding IF Contraception Will Be Used

Another very common, and I think disturbing, trend is…

many men will leave it completely up to the woman to “stop” the progression of sexual activity in order to demand the use of a condom, instead of simply putting the condom on himself without needing to be told to do so by his partner. This behavior unfairly shifts the responsibility of condom use fully onto the woman, and implies that without her demand, he would happily have sex without using a condom at all.

Why are women stereotypically placed in the sexually “responsible“ role? Aren’t men just as concerned about their own health as women? Then shouldn’t men be equally as likely to “stop” the sexual activity in order to use protection?

The usual justification for this scenario is that men get “carried away” in the heat of the moment and “forget” about the consequences of their sexual behaviors, whereas women do not get swept away by their sexual passions and are therefore the ones who must be “responsible” for them both. This argument is based upon too many incorrect culturally-bound assumptions regarding female sexuality to explore in this article. Suffice to say that women are equally as “impassioned” as men, and should not be the only ones who decide whether or not contraception will be used. The “heat of the moment” is not an excuse for irresponsible sexual behavior for either women or men.

Do Have a Verbal and Explicit Conversation About Contraception

Having a conversation about contraception does not have to be as uncomfortable as most people believe. The key is to broach the subject during a non-sexual, calm moment together. One of the worst times to have this “talk” is right before sex because it will certainly kill the mood. It’ll be much better, and lead to a much smoother first time, if this issue is already taken care of and both partners are comfortable knowing that they’ve made a healthy, loving, and respectful decision together.

How Long Can You Go Without Sex?

By

Although you’re probably familiar with the terms “sex drive” and “libido,” how much about your own sexual clock do you understand?

For example, can you list your sexual “need” signs?

How long can you go without sex before it starts to negatively affect you?

Are your needs generally assuaged by “affection” or does it take full intercourse to make you feel satisfied?

Because most people never ask themselves these questions, relationship problems often occur due to misunderstandings regarding the differing sexual needs of the partners. One of the best ways to preempt these common predicaments is to know the sexual needs of your own body and to be able to communicate those needs to your partner in a non-threatening manner.

Why is Sex a “Need”?

The same way your body sends out signals to let you know when you’re hungry or thirsty, it also sends out signals to notify you when it’s time to have sex – or to engage in some kind of physically intimate contact with another human being. These needs have two biologically-based reasons to exist, though both reasons are heavily debated within the scientific community.

The first reason is, of course, reproduction. We have a sex drive so that “mating” happens relatively frequently and we can continue the species.

The second reason is a little more complex and has to do with our survival-of-the-fittest need to live in social groups and act cooperatively.

As the theory goes, we are too physically weak as individuals to protect ourselves from the dangers of our environment, and have survived mainly because we stick together. It’s the “united we stand, divided we fall” philosophy of biological survival. One of the ways to promote this kind of banding together is by making the act of socializing with other members of our species an enjoyable and rewarding experience. In monkeys this is reflected in the importance of social grooming, and in the case of bonobo monkeys, sex.

Now I’m not saying you’re a monkey, but I am saying that like monkeys, humans have an innate desire to physically connect with others of our kind because it has helped us to survive as a species. That’s one of the main reasons we long to be with others – to hold and to be held, to kiss and to be kissed. Rather than just superfluous “wants” these are, in fact, “needs” and should be given the attention they deserve. After all, you eat when you’re really really hungry don’t you?

What are Your Sexual “Need” Signs?

It’s very easy to overlook your body’s sexual needs signs since they are often signs of other problems too. The best way to pinpoint which symptoms are yours is to see which ones seem to go away for a while after you’ve had a satisfying sexual experience – and remember, this kind of experience does not always have to include someone else. (Yes,we can fool our biological needs to a certain extent)!

Some of the Most Common Signs of Sexual Need are:

  • General and Mounting Irritability
  • Overall Feeling of Frustration without Knowing the Cause
  • Feeling Stressed for “no reason”
  • Excessive/Lack of Hunger or Sleep
  • Anger and/or Other Unexplainable Negative Emotions Toward Your Partner
  • Vivid Sexual Dreams that May Lead to Nocturnal Orgasms (Wet Dreams) for both Men AND Women

Basically lack of sex makes people feel disgruntled, to sum it up. Some people even claim that their skin itches, or their everyday thoughts are unusually pervaded by sexual fantasies. What ever your particular signs are, knowing them and recognizing them when they are occurring can be very relieving in and of itself. At least now you’ll be able to know why your body feels so tense!

How Long Can You Go Without Sex Before it Starts to Negatively Affect You?

Once you understand your body’s “I need sex!” signs, the next thing to make a note of is how long between sexual encounters it takes for you to start feeling icky again. For some people, it’s a day. For others, it’s every two months.The amount of time varies greatly from one person to the next, and changes frequently depending upon lifestyle factors (pregnancy,menopause, etc.), relationship status (new relationships tend to increase libidos), and health status.

It’s this internal sex timer that tends to cause the most problems for couples in long term relationships because one person “needs” sex much more frequently than the other. Often the partner with the shorter sex timer gets rejected again and again which leads to feelings of being unloved, unwanted, and eventually resentment toward their partner. Such issues can be avoided and successfully compromised upon when both partners understand the differences in their underlying sex drives. But in order for this to happen, each partner has to first understand his/her own sexual signs and needs.

What Does it Take to Satisfy Your Needs?

The last thing you must consider is what kinds of sexual contacts satisfy your needs. Again, this tends to differ greatly between partners, and especially between men and women. For a lot of women affectionate touches are enough to assuage their sexual desires. Kissing, petting, and manual stimulation are all that may be necessary to make her feel happy again. However, some women don’t feel truly satisfied until they’ve experienced multiple “O”s, so it really depends on the individual.

Men, on the other hand, are usually more “straight forward” in their needs – an orgasm will typically do the trick regardless of how it happens. This is, of course, a huge generalization and some men do feel satisfied with less-than-orgasmic sexual experiences.

Know Your Own Needs First

Once you’ve figured out what your sexual need signs are, how frequently your body requests sexual contact, and what it takes to satisfy those needs, you are well on your way to being able to talk honestly with your partner about what you expect from your sexual relationship. If you’re lucky enough to be with someone who also knows what their particular needs are, then the possibility of you enjoying a sexually fulfilling, long-term relationship increases dramatically!

Finding A Rhythm That Works When She’s “On Top”

By

Being in the “on top” position during sex can be a nerve-wracking experience for both women and men.

The expectation to please and to make the person “on bottom” orgasm can easily turn a playful sexual experience into an emotional disaster. Although it’s commonly assumed that the person in the dominant position has more control over the situation, and is therefore less vulnerable, this is not often the case from an emotional perspective.

Sure, they may be controlling the movements, but they are also putting their physical selves and their sexual prowess on display. If these attributes are commented upon or criticized by their partners, it could lead to feelings of shame – an emotion that rarely, if ever, makes sex better.

Women Can Be Particularly Vulnerable to “On Top” Criticisms

Because women are still “supposed” to be the sexually submissive sex, when a woman does work up enough courage to take a controlling position in bed she’s likely to be even more nervous than her male counterparts ever were. Most women feel rather out of place and very hesitant the first few times they try to be on top.

(Guys, remember how you felt the first time you had sex and were expected to “take control” of things?! Now multiply that by five and you’ll have an idea of how she’s feeling.) This nervousness often leads to jerky movements, sudden stops, and a general lack of sexual “flow.” The results can be an “on bottom” partner who not only doesn’t reach orgasm, but may start wondering where his usually submissive and confident sex kitten has gone.

Everyone Has to Find Their Own Sexual “Groove”

Just like everyone has their own special way of boogy-ing down on the dance floor, everyone has their own internal sexual rhythms they need to discover, usually via trial and error. Often by the time men are in their thirties they’ve practically forgotten what it was like to not have a defined sexual pattern. Women, on the other hand, often aren’t comfortable enough to explore their sexuality fully until they are in their thirties, which makes finding their natural rhythms (the ones that really come from their own bodies – not the ones that come from following someone else’s) that much harder.

Tips to Calm Her Down and Help Find Her Own Rhythm

  • Use Background Music – One of the easiest ways to relax into a sexual situation is to play your favorite sensual tunes in the background. Not only will music give her a little “mind escape” since she can close her eyes and let her imagination drift – very helpful is she is really nervous – but it will provide her with a rhythm. She can further play with this idea by picking music of varying tempos to see which ones “feel” the best to her, and to her partner.
  • Stop Thinking Up and Down and Start Thinking Front and Back – Many women who first get on top have an image of a woman “bouncing” up and down on her partner. The up and down motion does, of course, work for some women in some situations, but don’t forget to try rocking her hips back and forth as well! This kind of serpentine motion tends to feel more natural for women and is perfect for either the woman-sitting-man-lying-down positions or the woman-and-man-sitting positions. By rocking her hips front and back she not only stimulates her g-spot (and often her clitoris against his pubis), but gives the man intense stimulation without ever having to “pull out.” Start off slowly, varying the speed and the depth of penetration (it can be too intense if she fully sits down and he is completely inside). This is a great technique that can bring most men to orgasm in a way they never expected.
  • Let Him Lead in the Beginning – For women who are very unsure of how they should proceed, why not let him lead with his hands on her hips in the beginning? This can make her feel more emotionally secure since he is still somewhat in control, and will give her a chance to get used to the new vantage point. Once she is ready, let her go slowly, let her try out different things, and be supportive. Tell her what feels good, what angles you enjoy. And never hesitate to let her know how great she looks “up there!”

Final Things to Consider

Faster is not always better! It’s very common for women to find and enjoy slower rhythms than men. However, this doesn’t mean the woman on top sex position can’t make men orgasm just as easily. In fact many men find a medium paced rhythm to be both effective and excruciatingly pleasurable since it tends to draw out the excitement phase that much longer.

And Guys, if your partner isn’t the smoothest of lovers right away, please try to hide any confusion you may have and remember to be encouraging. She’ll find her “groove” eventually. And when she does, don’t be surprised if you have to wrestle her to the bottom just to get some of your own “on top” time back again!

5 Wicked Ways to Get Kinky in the Kitchen

By

It’s no surprise to learn one of the sexiest places in a house is the kitchen; the delicious smells, the beautiful colors, the way everything simmers together, tempting our senses into complete and utter abandon…

Unfortunately most of us never get the opportunity to fully explore all of the hidden erotic treasures patiently awaiting us in our kitchen drawers because we’re too busy reheating yesterday’s pizza to actually spend three savory hours indulging in our sensual creativity.

So here’s my suggestion – make a little cooking date with your lover on a Saturday, or a Sunday, or whenever. Treat it just as you would any other date, give the children to their grandparents, get a babysitter, etc. Make sure the two of you have plenty of time to relax and to really “get into” whatever happens to come up.

Go through your cupboards, your refrigerator, and your pantry with kinky eyes.

Ask yourself questions like “how would that feel running up my spine?” or “how else could this fork be used?”

Before you know it everything will seem wonderfully tempting, and you’ll be well on your way to making steamy memories that will no doubt have you blushing the next time you stick that boring old pizza into the oven.

If, however, you still need a bit of inspiration to get your naughty juices flowing, keep reading.

Five Very Wicked Ways To Turn Your Ordinary Kitchen Accoutrements Into Brazenly Devilish Sex Toys

1. The Spanking Wooden Spoon – Near and dear to my own playful heart, I get a fluttery feeling every time I use one of these classic, extra-large wooden stirring spoons. For the edgy players among you, using a spoon for spanking purposes is not a very shocking idea.

After all, whenever a paddle’s not handy, a wooden spoon will always do the trick! It’s sturdy, fairly wide, and gives that yummy mix of sting and thud. Oh come on, be daring and give your partner a soft teasing whack – their reaction might surprise you!

2. Chip Clip Nipple Clamps – Warning, not for the faint of heart. I’m a little hesitant to make this suggestion because it has to be the right kind of chip clip – you should only use ones that are flat on the inside, NOT the kind with little teeth or jagged edges meant to hold the bag closed tighter! Although impromptu nipple (or other body part) clamps are a fun idea, remember how easily this skin can be damaged and use your common sense. Smaller clips have less power so are better suited for this pain/pleasure toy. And don’t forget to sooth those fire-hot nipples afterward with a little melting ice from the freezer…

3. Really Hot Chocolate – Find a great recipe for homemade hot fudge and make it together. The aroma of melting chocolate alone should get your mind wandering into happy land. Once it’s finished and cooled enough that you can touch it without burning yourself, begin to finger-feed it to your lover. Remember, the point is to be sensual and indulgent. Do it slowly, deliberately.

Watch as your lover takes your finger into their mouth, let yourself feel the roughness of their tongue, pay attention! Don’t be afraid to get sticky and very messy. You know this activity has gone well when all of his, um, “fingers” and all of her “lips” have been completely covered in chocolate – preferably over and over again!

4. Rolling Pin Massage – Grant it, this suggestion is more fun and light-hearted than the others, but we all need a little relaxing warm-up don’t we? I know it’s a funny image, but using a rolling pin to massage the sides of your back, butt, thighs and calves actually feels great! The big handles make it really easy to use and you can get wonderfully long strokes out of it.

Feel free to laugh along the way, but eventually your partner will appreciate the real massage he or she is getting – even if it is from a rolling pin!

5. Guessing Game – Cover your lover’s eyes with a blindfold, or if you think they won’t cheat just tell them to close their eyes. Pick about twenty-five different cooking utensils (tongs, forks, basters, etc.) and use them of various parts of your lover’s (naked) body. Pinch them with the tongs, blow air in their face with the baster – you get the gist. Have your lover try to guess what you are using on them.

For every correct guess, offer them a sexual favor of their choice, and for every wrong guess they have to do something for you. Clearly this simple game can go in many different directions, so you can take it as far as you’d both like.

Of course, these ideas are just the beginning. Your kitchen’s sexuality completely depends on your own unique imagination and preferences, so please don’t ever feel limited to what you’ve heard or what other people have done!

Give yourself and your lover the freedom to be silly, kinky, weird. Something memorable is bound to come out of all that loving energy!