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Are You Setting Yourself Up For Heartache With Unrealistic Dating Expectations?

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The thing about dating expectations is that sometimes, even when you don’t really have any, they can reach right around and bite you right in the butt.

It can be hard to keep expectations at a realistic level and that’s not even the half of it.

Why? Because there’s another person involved with expectations all their own.
Even at its simplest level, dating is full of expectations. From expecting the phone to ring to expecting an email to having high (or low) expectations for a date, they seem to invade our thoughts at every turn.
Even when we try to keep them at a realistic level, we have no control over the other party’s expectations. And that can be difficult especially if you don’t know what those expectations are.

Motives for dating

People date for all kinds of reasons. Some date to find a lifetime partner; others because they’re bored. Some people see it as a sort of social skills practice; others figure that by dating so many people they’ll eventually find the one they’re looking for. Some are dating to get laid. Still others are too polite to say NO even if they really aren’t feeling it.

Setting ourselves up with unrealistic expectations

This can easily set us up to have unrealistic expectations in dating. For example, if you are dating to find a lifetime partner and the great guy you’ve gone out with 3 or 4 times is into dating as a numbers game, you may very well have your expectations of the relationship set way too high.

Or what about the girl who keeps accepting a date with a guy she really has no interest in because she doesn’t know how to tell him NO? Is he in for a surprise or what? Sure, he is. He thinks she likes him when the reality is she’s probably only interested in him as a friend. His expectations are sure to be shattered.

How to avoid unrealistic expectations

There are a couple of ways to keep your dating expectations realistic and keep yourself grounded in reality.

Know what you want

The first thing you have to do is know what you want. Why are you dating? You have to know what you’re looking for.

If you are dating to find a lifetime partner, you’re going to want to date people who are looking for the same thing. If you’re dating several people hoping to find the right one, you darn sure don’t want to keep going out with someone looking for a lifetime partner. That’s how things get awkward and people get hurt.

Communication is the key

Never assume anything! If you think that great guy is dating several women and doesn’t think you have forever potential, you need to know that. And there’s no better way than to ask. Unless you have that dreaded exclusivity talk, all bets are off as far as he’s concerned.

Think he’s sleeping with just you? If he’s into dating casually, he may very well being sleeping with other women as well. You’d better talk to him and make sure if that’s not okay with you.

Like attracts like

Here’s the thing. It will be much easier to keep your dating expectations in line if you are dating people who are dating for the same reason you are. It’s that simple. If you’re both dating casually, there’s little room for error. Likewise, if you are both dating to find a lifetime partner.
That doesn’t mean it’s all gravy though. You still have to communicate your expectations and encourage the people you are dating to do the same. It’s much easier for everyone if you’re both on the same page.

All In Good Fun – Or Date Rape?

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Everyone has different fetishes and fantasies when it comes to sex. Its part of what makes us dynamic and charismatic as human beings.We all like different things.

Where do you draw the line though? Is there a fetish or fantasy that is wrong to take part in? Are there fetishes or fantasies that shouldn’t be satisfied? How do you know how much is too much?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Is it weird if I like to knock my girlfriend out and have sex with her without her knowing?

— Dave, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o-d1KoOqYY[/youtube]

Two Consenting Adults

There are a few things you can look at when you’re trying to decide if your fetish or fantasy crosses the line. First of all, is the activity between two consenting adults?

That’s the biggie. If it’s an adult and an underage person, it definitely crosses the line. If it’s an adult and an unconsenting adult, it’s considered rape or date rape.

This can be if they’re saying no or if you’ve drugged them or knocked them out. Generally speaking, unless the sexual activity is being performed between two consenting adults, it is definitely too much. If you find yourself wanting or needing to be a part of a sexual activity that includes an underage person or an unconsenting adult, seek help. There are a number of good, unbiased counselors that can help you through what you’re experiencing.

Causing Harm

So you’ve passed the first test. Your sexual fetish or fantasy is something that takes place between two consenting adults. The second test is whether or not it causes a great deal of harm

to a person. Sure, a little pain and pleasure never really hurt anyone, but you need to take a look at whether you’re doing serious damage…

Are you drugging someone? Are you hitting them, hurting them or leaving any sort of marks behind? These are all things that definitely cross the line when it comes to sexual pleasure. You can find ways to enjoy yourself sexually without hurting another person or causing a great deal of damage.

If you and your partner both like to play a little rough, come up with a code word that means “stop.” When either partner says the code word, the activity immediately stops. This is a great way to experience your fetishes and fantasies while still keeping you and your partner safe.

What it Boils Down to

When you boil it down, sex with an unconsenting adult is considered rape or date rape. If you’ve drugged that person and they wake up and realize what happened, they can definitely press charges against you.

Depending on what happened, there is likely to be enough physical evidence for a conviction. The same goes for an underage person or a person who says “no” but you end up having sex with them anyway.

Be careful and keep your fetishes and fantasies between you and another consenting adult, because not only can sex with an underage person or unconsenting adult cross the line sexually, it’s also illegal. It’s always better to be safe than sorry!

Find a consenting adult that enjoys what you do and have fun experimenting with sexual fetishes and fantasies with them. As long as everyone involved is okay with what is happening and no one is getting seriously hurt or damaged, it can be fun and exciting to experience sexual pleasure through your fetishes and fantasies!

Webcam Love Affair – Will It Work?

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In the digital age, internet relationships and love affairs are becoming more and more common.

Dating websites are running rampant and the invention of webcams and microphones, you can have an almost face to face conversation with someone else.

Unfortunately, many of these internet relationships don’t work out. Whether it’s a long distance relationship with a previous partner or someone you met on the internet, without physical contact, your relationship may wane.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with a guy I’ve never met. I’ve seen him on webcam, but that’s all. I seem to have fallen for him and I love him very much. We used to talk all the time, but lately we haven’t talked at all. The past few weeks, I’ve said only a few things to him and one of those times I was angry at someone and complaining to him. We seem to fight all the time and I don’t know what I could do to fix it. We’ve tried all sorts of things, but nothing seems to work!

Please help us! –Keely

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EyhgXriovo[/youtube]

Why Internet Relationships Don’t Cut It

Humans crave physical contact. From the time that we’re born, our bodies crave to be touched. It’s not necessarily a sexual need, it’s more of a physical need. We crave intimacy and closeness with other people, even if it’s just a hug or cuddling on the couch in front of a movie. Webcam love affairs and internet relationships are obviously lacking this very critical component.

If being apart from your partner is temporary, subsisting on webcam and phone communication is often enough to get you through until you are able to be together again. However, if your internet relationship is simply that, it can be difficult if not downright impossible to get the physical contact and intimacy you need from your partner to keep the relationship alive.

Online Introductions . . . Not Online Dating

Internet dating should be called internet introductions. It’s perfectly fine and actually quite helpful to introduce yourself to someone online through an internet dating website, because it helps you find the person that you think best fits your personality. Often, after a period of time communicating online and possibly over the phone, you can meet your partner in person and begin building a real life relationship.

Many people, however, forget to do that last part and confine the relationship to the internet only. This is a critical mistake that can cost you the relationship. An internet relationship isn’t enough to keep you and your partner satisfied, especially if it’s someone you met online.

If you really like your new partner, make an effort to meet them in person and try building a relationship with them.

Relationships are hard work.

It probably comes as no surprise that real life relationships are hard work. It takes a variety of skills such as listening skills, body language skills and interpersonal skills to make a relationship successful. If you get discouraged, it can be tempting to confine a relationship online for fear of getting rejected in real life.

This is no way to have a relationship! Take your time and have confidence in yourself to find someone that you like and that you can have a real relationship with. If you meet someone worthwhile, take the next step and meet them. If it doesn’t work out, take the time to find someone who you are more compatible with.

Dating and having real life relationships is a series of trial and error. If it doesn’t work out with someone, try dating someone else. You can also mix it up a little bit. Search online dating websites for matches while you also keep an eye out in real life for people you think you’d like to date as well. With some effort and a good attitude, you’ll find someone with whom you are compatible with and enjoy spending time and being intimate with!

What Should I Do if My Family Doesn’t Approve of My Lover?

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If you find yourself in a situation where one or more family members don’t approve of your relationship with your partner, you’re not alone.

Often, family members won’t like a partner because they don’t think they’re good enough for you, or for other reasons.

It can be difficult trying to please everyone you care about, including your family and your partner. Does family come first?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My cousin and I have been closer than close for 2 years – Never letting anything get in the way. We are always there for each other. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 months and she has been recently single for 2 months. I’m in a good relationship and everything is going great. We even started having sex. My cousin is totally against it and now wants me to end my relationship with him. What should I do? He’s the only guy that I have been active with and I love him… but I also believe that family comes first. How could I get my cousin to see that were no different and that she shouldn’t try to intervene in my sex life?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxzhXsq9vRA[/youtube]

Making Your Own Choices

If you’re a legal adult, you can make your own choices about who you want to date and when. Perhaps you don’t want to date anyone or perhaps you want to date someone your family doesn’t approve of. Either way, it’s your choice. It’s no one else’s!

However, that doesn’t make it any less difficult of a situation to deal with if your family is consistently hassling you over who you’re dating. It can be hard to have a positive, successful relationship with someone if your family always has something negative to say about your partner, but it can also be hurtful to be in disagreement with your family over who you’re dating. What do you do? Who do you choose?

You Shouldn’t Have To Choose

You shouldn’t have to choose between your family and who you want to date. Your family should love and accept you no matter what. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always happen. If your family is upset and doesn’t approve of who you’re dating, try having a heart to heart talk with them when your partner is not around. Let them know how much you care about this person and how much they care about you. Let them know that you’re really happy and that you want to continue seeing this person. Let them know politely that it really isn’t any of their concern who you date or who you don’t date.

Many times, if you give your family the chance to really understand that your partner makes you happy, they simply will let it go because they want the best for you. This doesn’t happen all the time though, and some people are stuck making a choice even though they shouldn’t have to.

Making A Choice

If you have to make a choice – as in, if your family is truly threatening to disown you if you continue dating someone they don’t approve of – step back from the situation and consider all the aspects of it on your own. Don’t let your partner or your family members have an influence on your decision. This is something you must do on your own!

Really think about what the members of your family mean to you and how much your partner means to you. Give yourself time to mull it over, because either way, it’s going to be a life altering decision. Once you’ve come to a decision, it’s important to let everyone know that you didn’t want to, nor should you have had to, make the choice.

Keep in mind, many people that choose their families over their partners end up falling out with their families later because it never is the same between them. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to continue dating your partner or not. If they make you happy, it’s no one else’s business who you date!

The Attraction of Confidence – Why Women Are Attracted To Confident Men

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You’re standing in a bar. Across from you is a beautiful woman.

You make eye contact and smile. She smiles back and decides to come over.  She gets closer and closer.

You suddenly get a tight little knot in your stomach; anxiety from not knowing what will come next.  Now she is standing in front of you.  Your heart is racing.

You barely manage to get out the words, “Uhhhh Hi.”  She says “hi” back with a look of intrigue. As she begins to speak, you begin to doubt.

You wonder what she’s thinking.  How could this beautiful woman possibly be interested in me?

After a brief moment of small talk, the woman walks away.  You begin to wonder, what the hell just happened?

You can’t help but feel rejected.  You obsess over what could possibly be wrong with you.  The next thing you know, several hours have gone by and you’re a big pile of anxiety.

What turned her off?

So what repelled this woman?  It could have been any number of things.  Was it your breath? Your insecure body language?  Your shortened height? Your hideous disfigured face?  The thing is, you will never know what drove this woman away.  This is the unknown variable of attraction.

Variables of attraction

There are many variables in a person that determines whether they are attractive or not.  There have been volumes written about the science of attraction.  Even many of today’s top dating gurus are constantly seeking ways to decipher the process of attraction.  However, with centuries of research and much discussion, there always seems to be one thing, one variable, that consistently makes a person attractive – confidence.

To be free from doubt; to have belief in yourself and your abilities. This is confidence.

Why confidence matters

You can have any number of physical flaws but if there is one thing you must have, it is confidence.  People call it by different names but it all stems from the same meaning.  For example, pick up artists call it “inner game”.  Self help guru’s call it the “Law of Attraction.” Athletes call it “the zone.”  It’s all the same; to truly believe in yourself and your abilities.

If you ask any woman what she looks for in a man, you’ll almost always get “confidence” as one of the answers.  It’s something that we all know  yet few of us utilize.  Why can’t everyone simply be confident and attract the person of their dreams?  Because confidence isn’t something you get over night.  It’s something that needs to be built over time.

How do I achieve confidence?

We generally achieve confidence in ourselves when we experience success.  You start with a small success, move on to achieving a bigger success and so on.  It’s a snowball effect.  You can’t start off by making a super giant snowball from the start because you will probably fail.  If you start with a little snowball and continue rolling it, you can turn something that was little into something big.  Little successes lead to big successes.  Each success gives you more and more confidence.

This is true in attraction.  If you’ve never approached a woman before, then you probably won’t have the confidence to take home a perfect ten the first night you go out.  You shoot for a small success first, persistently trying until you achieve it, then you move on to the next step in the process.  Start with approaching, then building rapport, then seducing.  Once you have had success with all of these, then you will have confidence, and this will cause attraction.

Persistence leads to success.  Success leads to confidence.  Confidence leads to attraction.