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Sexual Fetishes – Is My Smoking Fetish Weird?

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Everyone has different turn-ons, ranging from turn-ons that seem relatively mild to turn-ons that seem to be completely out there and fetishistic.

How do you know if what turns you on is normal or not? Should you continue to do what turns you on, even if other people think it’s weird?

Many people have these same questions and are wondering what to do about their turn ons. What should you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m a 59 year old male and I have always found the sight of a woman smoking a cigarette to be very arousing.  I am fortunate that my wife (an inveterate smoker) understands this and uses it to excite me but (the question is from both of us) is this weird?  Have you heard of it before?

-Marty, Pennsylvania

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9eP8QBSj_U[/youtube]

Are your turn-ons normal?

Let’s take a look at normal for a moment… Human beings can’t really be considered normal. There is such a wide range of likes, dislikes, habits and more from person to person that you can’t really pin anything down and consider it “the norm.”

That said, what turns you on is probably just fine! Do you like it when women wear high heels? Do you like to wear the high heels yourself? Do you get turned on when women are smoking a cigarette? Go with it! As long as your turn-ons don’t involve harming other people or doing anything illegal in any way, your turn-ons are perfectly fine.

Enjoy and indulge in what gets you excited!

Don’t scrutinize yourself, or let others do so.

Although people are different in so many ways, that doesn’t stop them from judging others. Human beings have a bad habit of passing judgment on their neighbors when they themselves are doing something that would be considered “strange” by someone else’s standards.

Guess what? Everybody is different! Don’t let others try to tell you that you are weird or strange, unless your turn-ons include something that would cause harm to another or that is illegal. If not, then take comfort in the fact that the person judging you is most likely insecure themselves.

On the same token, don’t scrutinize yourself.  If you think your own turn-ons are weird and they make you uncomfortable, don’t do anything about them. Chances are, however, that your turn-ons are perfectly fine to you and you should accept yourself for who you are.

Find someone to play with.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone who likes to play the same way you do. Find someone who shares your interests and shares your turn-ons. If there are two of you who are turned on by the same thing, it will be more fun for you to both engage in what turns the other on! It’s a perfect give and take. It may take time and patience to find that special someone, but if you keep trying, you’ll end up winning out. You can then share all of your turn-ons with your partner, and enjoy them together.

Unless your turn-ons are dangerous, they’re fine for you. If they work for you, let them! Don’t worry so much. Everyone has their own quirks and way that they do things. Just be a good sport. If you don’t want others judging you for what turns you on, don’t judge them! You might meet someone who has a turn on that you think is weird, but remember someone else out there might think your turn on is weird too!

We’re all in the same boat. Accept your turn on and everyone else will too. What works for you might not work for someone else and vice versa, and that’s okay! Just enjoy yourself and your turn ons!

What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt

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You’ve seen the stories in the news – a woman dies during a sex play session with her husband.

The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

  • Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.
  • Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.
  • If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.
  • Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.
  • When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.
  • Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

  • Negotiate a scene. Discuss your turn ons, turn offs, limits, and what you both want out of the experience. Have any ideas for props or role playing? One fun way I discuss my fantasies with my partner is through Instant Messenger. We IM each other from separate rooms, acting out a fantasy virtually, which gets us worked up mentally and physically. Mmm, virtual foreplay!
  • Let’s talk about safewords again. One thing I have noticed in my experience is that I don’t want to use my safeword. I have come to think that uttering it would be weak, and it’ a source of pride for me that I don’t use it. GET OVER THIS MENTALITY. Your dom is depending on you to keep him or her informed of your state of mind. Body language can be read, but not minds. It might be a good idea to employ a play session where the goal is to make the sub use the safeword.
  • Afterwards, baby your sub. Make sure he or she is hydrated, warm, and comfortable.
  • Talk about it afterwards. Share with each other what you liked and didn’t like about the scene. If something freaked you out, that’s not a deal breaker, it’s a learning experience.

Once again I recommend filling out the BDSM fetish checklist, as it has a section on limits, safewords, and signals. Not only does your partner learn more about what turns you on, but in filling it out, YOU learn something about yourself as well. It’s so much fun to explore. Be safe, be well, and flog on!

Is It Normal For a Virgin to Be Into BDSM?

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As a virgin, it’s normal to find yourself turned on and sexually excited by many things, even if you’ve never actually had sexual intercourse.

What turns you on is going to be different from what turns someone else on, and it’s important to embrace diversity and celebrate your uniqueness!

Is there ever a point where something that turns you on would not be considered normal, especially if you’re a virgin?

Well, yes and no.  It’s a complicated situation that needs a hard, honest look.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I found your website on YouTube. I think I am into BDSM or there may be something wrong with me.  I believe I am more Sadistic than Masochistic though and I am still a virgin as is my boyfriend.  He likes to be clawed and chained (yet to let me do that though) and when I scream in pain because I got hurt or something he gets a little excited.  I have clawed him so bad I took chunks of skin out of his hips and when he screamed in pain I laughed at him.

The idea of burning, whipping, tying down, flogging, wrist/handcuffing, caging, and torturing him sounds fun.  Is there something wrong with me?

Is it possible for a virgin to be into BDSM like this?

– Barbara,  Missouri

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OxuDMsf76o[/youtube]

Virgin Into BDSM

BDSM often refers to fetishes in general, although many use it to refer to the old S&M or sadism and masochism.  Some people find themselves turned on by being possessive and powerful or submissive and this is usually completely natural.

Do you enjoy pain?  Many people do. Why else are tattoos, piercings and other body modifications so popular?  Lots of people enjoy receiving pain and even giving it, and it’s nothing new to interpret BDSM sexually, even if you are a virgin.  There is no law that says that if you’ve never had sex that you can’t enjoy giving and receiving pain and being turned on by it sexually.  It’s the same for young men that are turned on by their parent’s Playboy magazines. It is simply what turns you on.

Can you ever go too far?

It’s important to look at what is “too far” for you.  If you’re adamant about staying a virgin, than yes, having sexual intercourse would be “too far.”  You need to examine your beliefs and morals on your own and really look at them to determine what would be too far for you and your partner.

That said, with BDSM, it is possible to go too far with the giving and receiving of pain.  Are you and your partner getting hurt?  Are you engaging in dangerous activity that could cause infections or transmitted diseases?  If so, you may want to look at toning it down a notch, especially if anything that you and your partner are doing is illegal.  If you’re simply looking to put a little kink into your relationship, there’s generally no harm in that.

Are you normal?

Normal, by definition, is something that doesn’t really exist in humanity.  Everyone is different.  If your attraction to BDSM and fetishes feels normal to you, you most likely don’t have anything to worry about, especially if you and your partner’s actions aren’t hurting anyone.

If you find yourself really looking to hurt your partner, hurt yourself or hurt other people and you feel as though something is wrong with you, don’t be afraid to get help.  Seek counseling in an atmosphere where you won’t feel judged.

Overall, most inclinations towards BDSM are normal and perfectly healthy, even if you are a virgin.  If you do find yourself hurting your partner or allowing your partner to hurt you, it is important to stop and perhaps tone it down.  Nobody needs to get hurt to have a some good, old fashioned S&M fun.

Remember play it safe!  Have a code word that you or your partner can use if things get too rough.  Once the code word is said, everything stops.  If what you’re doing is safe and appealing to you, just have a good time and don’t worry about it!

Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List

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So are you ready to get your kink on?

What will you need? Where are you going to get it? How crazy do you want to be?

This article will offer an interesting twist on classic BDSM items, as well as introduce you to a few new possibilities.

Hint: I’ve found a new use for four AA batteries, and the results have been spine-tingling.

Bondage in Aisle 5 – Hardware Stores Seen in a Whole New Light

It’s so funny – now that I’m into BDSM, the most innocent places spark sexually interesting ideas. We’re talking hardware stores, garden stores, pet stores… I used to have to be dragged into these places for sink parts and dog food, and now I like ducking into the rope aisle to see what colors or textures they have in stock.

I’ll whiz past the rawhide chews to see what kind of dog collars will fit a human-size neck. (“Does this come with a matching leash?”) Garden shops have hemp rope for binding trees – now come on, trees aren’t going anywhere, let’s put that rope to better use!

The Shopping List

In addition to your hands and mouth, here are some suggestions for your BDSM bag of tricks, one for every day of the week:

1. Ropes

Practice your reverse prayer, chest harness, and hog tie techniques with a variety of ropes – nylon, hemp, cotton. Rough, smooth, thick, silky, it’s fun to experiment and find out which works best for you. Not only can you restrain someone with rope, but you can fashion it into something as sexy as lingerie – highlight various parts of the body and turn it into an art form.

Fun tip: Apply a vibrator to a taut length of rope and feel the vibration spread…

Where you can find it: hardware, garden, army surplus store, online. Or steal it from the local boy scout troop.

2. Handcuffs

Metal cuffs are edgier and more painful, and lend an extra air of humiliation to your play session. It’s especially intense when they tighten up as you’re having sex, it’s like being bitten. I also like the smell of them – the oiled metal is hot.

Where you can find it: sex store, gun store, your friendly neighborhood police officer.

3. Clothes pins

Clothes pins should be renamed “nipple clamps.” I mean, who uses them for hanging clothes these days? The inexpensive wooden clamps can be arranged in nice little rows along the curve of the torso or along the shoulder blades to make “angel wings.”

Where you can find it: grocery store, laundry aisle of retailer store, your old-fashioned neighbors clothesline.

4. Wartenberg Wheel

My girlfriend introduced this one to me (she has a bit of a medical equipment fetish). I LOVE this thing. It’s a stainless steel metal wheel on a handle with sharp pins radiating from the wheel. It rotates as it is rolled across the flesh, lighting nerves on fire. She likes holding me down and running it along my back, my front… she likes making me shriek and squirm.

Where you can find it: ebay, online BDSM store, neurologist’s office.

5. Flog

A flog is great because you can use it as the sweetest little tickle toy, or raise up some serious red welts by putting some muscle into it as you lay into your loved one. At this stage of my exploration, I’m enjoying the light sensations of the many little tails dancing on my skin. Flogs are usually made of leather or rubber.

Where you can find it: Farm supply store (riding crops too!), online BDSM store, make your own.

6. Butt plug

The butt is often the least explored body part, and that is putting tons of sensitive nerve endings to waste. Wearing a butt plug during sex can completely change the dynamics of an otherwise normal and pleasurable coupling. It can add a whole new level of intensity and vulnerability. And guess what – they aren’t just for the bedroom. You’d be surprised how many people are walking around in grocery stores wearing one. Turns a boring trip to the store for some sugar and cereal into something kinky and fun.

Where you can find it: sex store, online, your mom’s bedside table (OK that’s just a rude joke, but wouldn’t it be fun if it were true?)

7. Cobra Stinger

This is my newest discovery, and wow am I excited about it! The cobra stinger is this small black box with two metal prongs. It has a low and high setting. You have to touch both of the prongs in order to feel the minor electrical charge it puts out. Try touching it with two finger, and then running it up your arm. OR you can touch one prong and your partner can touch the other and get the current working through both of you.

Even trippier, if you are both touching it and touch the other person’s tongue – well talk about tongue tingling. It’s more about feeling a fascinating sensation than it is about pain.

Where you can find it: online BDSM store, in my hot little hand.

If you have a toy that you love that hasn’t been mentioned here, please share as a comment. We’re all learning as we go!

Next up: What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt.

Are You Dom or Sub? Sexual Compatibility in the Bedroom

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“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

Take a moment and think about your current relationship. If it’s good, it’s probably because you two match up well – one of you is predominately dom, and the other is predominately sub. If your relationship is tense or otherwise not ideal, it could be that you inadvertently ended up with a person who is the same type as you.

Two doms together are no good. Two subs together are also not good. If you’re matched up with the wrong partner, your sex life will be out of sync. Neither of you will be able to fulfill the other person if you both want to be tied up.

What to do? If you’re already paired up, explore the possibility of one of you switching roles and see how that feels. Some people find pleasure in both the dom and sub roles, depending on their mood.

If you are currently looking for a partner, keep this concept in mind while searching. Look for clues in other people that will indicate if you would be a good match or not. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache.

Look at Others

Now take a moment to think about other relationships you know. How about your parents – is one of them the dominant type? Are they still together?

Think about the unhappy couples you know. What’s the source of their friction and frustration? What about the happy couples you know? Chances are, they are a good match because one is dom and one is sub.

I have a good rule of thumb for figuring out who wears the pants in a relationship – it’s the person who does most of the driving and whose voice is used as the message for the home answering machine.

But it’s not always so cut and dried. I thought long enough about one content couple I knew and figured out that the woman is a dom type who plays the submissive role.

Meanwhile, her husband is the sub type who is playing the dom role, and for some reason, this works for them. If one of them didn’t assume this role, then the whole thing would be off balance and they would run into problems.

Why do I think I’m such an authority on this? Well, I’m a self-proclaimed slut – I’ve had lots of sexual partners, LOTS of hands on research, and all that experience has given me insight on sexual compatibility in a way that someone who has only had sex with a handful of people can’t know.

I only wish I had this figured out ten years ago.