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You are here: Home / Archives for Sex & Intimacy

Sex Tips & Advice

Sexting… A Criminal Offence Or A Need For Better Sex Ed?

By karasutra

When it comes to the topic of teen “sexting”, the act of sending nude/barely dressed photos of ones self to another, I find it hard to believe that it can be a matter of “criminal offence” or a reasonable case for registering the photographer as a “sex offender,” especially considering the number variables and scenarios that come into play:

  • The role of the media and it’s influence on teens, up to and including TV/movies/music videos/advertising/print ads etc, and their continual use of sexuality to attain views, target a specific market or gain financial income. If a teen sees something, isn’t educated about its consequences, can we blame them for following the trend? Isn’t that the intention of most media outlets, to influence our decisions and behaviours?
  • Considering the amount of virtual unknowns that have become “celebrities” from sexual exploitation (i.e. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Tila Tequila to name a few)it’s to be expected that teenage girls will only follow their lead as they think its ‘socially acceptable’, especially considering the level of fame and fortune that can be gained.
  • The constant need of society to sexualize everything i.e. a picture of three teenage girls “goofing off” in a bathroom barely dressed becomes the target of someone wanting to make an example of ‘child abuse’ or ‘child pornography’.
  • While it may sound out of place, I find we live in a society where there is a need to vilify others in order to seek a specific outcome; in cases where teens are taking photos of themselves and sending them, seeking to stop the behaviour in order to protect the “child” it is the child that becomes the so called “villain” with their behaviour tried in a court of law as “child abuse” or “child pornography”.  It’s no longer the typical “Pedophile” found as the villain, instead the consequences fall on the “child” who is now treated as a creator of “child porn”. Something just seems wrong about that.
  • The lack of sexual education and the role it plays in helping teens develop a healthy sense of self, respect and personal sexual awareness limiting the need for negative sexual gratification through personal exposure.

Does Sexting Constitute Child Pornography?

What I think I have the biggest issue with is that the terms “child porn” and “pedophile” are being brought into the discussion. I say this because very rarely is an adult the intended audience of such photos. Instead it is the teens friends, unrequited love or girlfriend/boyfriend of the same (or near) age that are the intended recipients.  I can only assume that most teens not only know better, but are self respecting enough not to send random naked photos of themselves to adults. But that’s another issue.

As for the actual issue of “sexting” between teens, the first thing that springs to mind is the old school “right of passage” where a boy would get a girl’s panties/bra, then show them to his friends in a way of gaining social acceptance/deliverance into “manhood.”  The action of providing “proof” of sexual behaviour for acceptance is not “new”, just the method in which it’s being translated.

With all of the advances in technology, teens no longer need to seek physical evidence (in the form of panties/bra or whatever it may be) to show proof of sexual behaviour to others in an attempt at acceptance/belonging. Now everything is push button, instant gratification…i.e. a boy gets a picture of a girls boobs, sends it to his friends and *poof* in an instant he’s cool for having such material because it proves that he’s “sexually active,” not only that but he’s “special” since he is the only person who has that photo.

Herein lies the problem, rarely (if ever) do photos stay between the two people involved in the “transaction.”

When A Sext Comes Back To Haunt You

With all of the “instant media” comes a loss of control; once something (a photo, text, etc.) leaves our hands we no longer have any control of who sees it. A person may have sent something with the intention of it only being seen by one other person, but unfortunately that is rarely the case. 

One of the very unfortunate side effects of this scenario is the belittling, bullying, teasing and unwanted sexual advances that usually come with such exposure, something that isn’t realized by the sender until after the fact.

That said, teens (between the ages of 12-17) “usually” don’t have the insight, life experience or education/knowledge to make decisions that are forward thinking enough to consider the personal repercussions and consequences that come with such behaviour whether it be tomorrow, next week or 10 years down the line.  Realizing this I think it’s highly unfair that a teen should be charged with something that can negatively affect the rest of his or her adult life the way claims of “child abuse” or “pornography” can.

I really do hate to say it, but this is where I think the benefit of active parenting comes into play; as a parent, knowing that my child has access to such personally exploitive technology, it is my responsibility to help teach them about the consequences, especially knowing that if left to their own devices most teens will do what they want, when they want, unless they know of the repercussions and punishments attached to the behaviour.

While I do place some of the sex ed responsibility on the parents, I can also understand that in today’s hectic society, where both parents spend most of their time working to sustain the family, there usually isn’t enough time to “actively parent”. Acknowledging that brings me to the question that’s most often presented in relation to “sexting”; do teens need to be “protected” from themselves?

In an answer, yes….but not to the extent most legal cases seek.

Sexting Shows A Need For Better Sex Ed…And Better Parenting

I agree that there needs to be some sort of regulation or rule against it. Not in the instance of it being a hardcore criminal offence like “pornography” or “child abuse” (which to me seems unreasonable) but instead possibly a lesser charge of “indecent exposure” for the sender or “defamation of character” for the receiver (if it’s spread around without permission from the sender) depending on the situation and based solely case by case.

That said, like most laws which are based on the concept that a young person may desire sex but may lack the experience possessed by legal adults to make a mature decision, I think the same rules should apply to “sexting” in cases where one is an adult and the other a minor. Maybe in this case it could be classified as ‘child pornography’ but only in two instances:

  • The adult (or person of consenting age) was the person taking the picture of someone who is not the legal age of consent
  •   The adult (or person of consenting age) asked for the photos from someone who is not the legal age of consent
  •   Upon receiving the photos (without asking for them) the adult did not delete them or reprimand the “child” for such behaviour, identifying it as inappropriate and educating them why.

While I do find it inappropriate for teens to be taking nude/barely dressed photo’s of them selves and posting them for others to see, when ever it comes to the subject of teens, their sexuality and/or forms of sexual expression I find myself constantly having to choose between the lesser of two evils; would I prefer someone actually had sex or took photo’s of them self for the purpose of sexual gratification?

Knowing the possible ramifications and risks associated with intercourse, I choose the latter. Especially when it’s used in the attempt to delay sexual intercourse between two individuals who are in a committed, consensual, trusting relationship, but not sure if they are ready to deal with consequences like contracting an STD or an unintended pregnancy that come with it.

That said, do I think “sexting” a case for “criminal offence” or “child pornography”…no. It just serves to reinforce the need for more positive education on sex/sexuality and a wider scope of understanding.

Filed Under: Sexting & Phone Sex Tagged With: sexting

A Delicate STD Matter

By maryannecomaroto

We’ve all been there: we get lulled into a false sense of comfort for one reason or another, and as a result we end up trusting the wrong person. It can be a harsh lesson, especially in the case of one of my students, who emailed me with her ethical dilemma. All names in the following story have been changed.

Dear Maryanne,

I feel so stupid that I’m even in this situation, but I need some advice for an ethical question that has come up. A friend of mine set me up with a man named Alan, whom I already knew to be a great philanthropist in our community. She recommended him as a potentially great match for me, and so we started going out. Things progressed quickly, which I felt comfortable with because my friend liked him so much, and he did in fact seem to be good and upstanding. Within a short time, we decided to spend a night together.

When the subject of condoms came into the conversation, Alan insisted that he had been tested for STD’s and was clean. Who in their right mind would accept that as an excuse not to be safe? Me, apparently, even after warning my goddaughter about safe sex and sending her to college with your book and a supply of condoms. I wasn’t even smart enough to follow my own advice.

Unfortunately, within a few days of sleeping with Alan, I became infected with herpes. Alan refuses to talk about it with me, becoming evasive when I asked him to send his test results to my doctor. So now I don’t know whether I should warn my friend not to set Alan up with anyone else, or just put this whole episode behind me and forget about it. I don’t want to cross any ethical lines, but at the same time I don’t want other women to go through what I’m going through now. Help!

Thank you in advance,

Laura

Dear Laura,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is always difficult to deal with when we discover that the guy we thought was decent and honest is actually the opposite of all those things. It can shatter your trust and cause untold amounts of emotional distress. It’s especially difficult to have such a harsh lesson dealt to you when you have obviously been doing your best to use your CORR® relationship techniques. You have learned the hard way that it’s not enough for someone else to endorse someone – you have to do all the detective work yourself.

But that doesn’t mean snooping or digging around – it’s as simple as communication and observation. Ask the 14 questions outlined in Hindsight, add any of your own, and then wait and see. If you become sexually involved too early, the “wait and see” part can become distorted, as your affection and attachment to this person can cloud your judgement and make you blind to any warning signs that come along. Of course, you probably realize all this now.

There is a silver lining to your cloud, though. You have the opportunity to love yourself and turn this seemingly negative experience into a way to grow and learn. So how will you figure out what to do now, as a child of the Divine? Here are some tips to get the ball rolling:

  • Spend a few days re-centering your ego. Get away from asking for outside validation by covering all your mirrors with construction paper. Look inward instead for answers, remind yourself about all the ways in which you are unique and strong and gifted, and watch how quickly you move back to a center of internal reference.
  • Cleanse yourself with a clearing ceremony. Make a ritual of writing down everything you need to heal, and all the things you want to let go. You can let a few friends in on it, make a beautiful and sacred place to hold your ceremony, and surround yourself with beauty and wisdom.
  • Take a break from sex. Six or nine months of dating without sex may seem like forever, but you’re worth the wait, and a period of abstinence can help you keep your thinking clear. Use the opportunity to look at why you trusted Alan so soon, and next time when you date, let the trust build naturally over time. You will see how you behave on dates, as well as what sort of men you are attracting.

I think you’ll find, that if you’re patient and gentle with yourself, that as you go through this process your answers will surface. You will soon see what is the most appropriate way forward for you. Please do contact me if you have any more questions.

Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice Tagged With: safe sex, sex education, STDs

How To Improve Your Sexual Fitness

By loveandsex

Everyone wants better sex. Whether your sex life is suffering or you’re already having great sex, there is always the desire to make it better. So how can you have better sex? Improving your sexual fitness. Surprisingly, however, improving your sexual fitness is no different than improving your body’s fitness. Here’s how to get healthier so you can have even better sex than you’re already having.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZBmuil-g44[/youtube]

Toss The Junk Food

Food is fuel for our bodies, and we use that fuel during every activity that we do, including sex. Filling your body with potato chips, fast food and things that aren’t really nourishing isn’t going to give you the fuel you need for a great sex life. Instead, try to swap poor food choices with better ones. You don’t have to eat perfect all the time, but making an effort to make better food choices every day will make a difference, even if you splurge for the chocolate cake every once in awhile. Swap a hamburger for a grilled chicken sandwich at the drive-thru, or drink ice water instead of soda.

Exercise!

Yes! Exercise is the key to a healthier, happier body both in and out of the bedroom. Does that mean you have to spend hours at the gym working out every day? Not hardly. Making time for exercise a few times a week will definitely help improve your overall fitness – and your sexual fitness! Try for a few minutes a day, or even 15 minutes just a few times a week. Take the stairs at work instead of the elevator, or take a walk with your partner in the evening. Anything that you can do to get your heart rate up and improve your stamina is going to make a difference.

Strengthen Your Core Muscles

If you do decide to do any weight lifting or muscle toning, work on your core muscles – you know, the ones you use during sex. Abdominal muscles, glutes and leg muscles are among the most widely used muscles in our bodies when we have sex and if these muscles are in poor condition, you can bet that you’ll be pretty sore after sex. Improving the strength of your core muscles can help you last longer in bed and be more comfortable in new and different sex positions.

Minor Changes Will Make The Most Difference

When most people vow to become more fit, start exercising and eating better, they often bite off more than they can chew. Going on a strict diet or forcing yourself to work out every day is only going to burn you out really fast, instead of actually improving your sex life. Try to make small changes here and there that you are more likely to stick with instead of quit. Focus on making minor changes in your eating habits and getting a little bit of exercise each day or a few times a week to avoid overwhelming yourself. You’ll start noticing the changes in the bedroom before you know it!

Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice

Q&A: Should We Wait To Have Sex?

By loveandsex

It’s one of the most commonly asked questions about sex – when is the right time to have sex? Unfortunately, there’s no concrete answer to this question because the answer is different for everyone. Here are some things to explore on your own to decide if you should wait to have sex.

Question: I am 14. I like this girl and I want to ”do” her. Should I wait or what?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D1gsqvsvEA[/youtube]

Teenage Hormones

Teenagers and even pre-teens are just beginning to discover their sexuality. As you go through puberty, your body is responding to different hormones in different ways. Both boys and girls experience an increase in sexual desire, which can be overwhelming when you’ve never felt anything like it before. If you’re a teenager thinking about having sex for the first time, try to remember that almost every other teenager is or has been in your shoes before. Incredible sexual desire is just something that teenagers go through as they grow into a mature adult and learning how to handle it is part of being mature enough to start having sex.

What To Consider Before You Have Sex

There are many things to consider before having sex. First of all, make sure your partner wants to have sex too. Make sure you are both comfortable with each other and this is something you both want to experience together. Do some research before you have sex. Find out how to use a condom and how to prevent pregnancy. Learn what STD’s are and how you can get them and how to prevent contracting them and spreading them. Encourage your partner to do the same, or better yet, learn about these things together. Sure, it doesn’t sound very fun to read about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases before having sex, but it’s part of being responsible enough to have sex. A few other things you might want to think about before having sex is your morals and religion. Is there any reason that you or your partner might feel guilty for having sex now instead of waiting? Is talking to your parents about having sex something you and your parents have an open enough relationship to do? Talk to your parents if you can, and definitely talk to your partner. Perhaps you and your partner are only comfortable with some things and not others. Those are things that are important to discuss before you take the plunge.

There’s No Rush

When you’re a teenager, it may seem like the sexual frustration will eat you alive if you don’t have sex right this minute. Don’t worry – it won’t! Masturbation is a great way to relieve sexual tension and there’s nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until marriage, waiting for the right person or just waiting until you’re a little older. Sex isn’t any better if you do it now and it’s not any worse if you wait until later. In fact, you may just want to wait until tomorrow, or next week. That’s fine too. Just make sure that when you’re ready, you’re ready and your partner is too.

Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice Tagged With: pregnancy, premarital sex, sex advice, STDs

Top 10 Contraception MYTHS

By loveandsex

Contraception has been around for many years, in many forms. Some forms of contraception are more reliable than others, while still other forms of “contraception” are downright myths. Here’s how to separate the facts from the fiction.

1. I Won’t Get Pregnant If I Douche After We Have Sex

No, no and no. Douching after sex actually pushes the sperm up farther into the vaginal canal, making their trip through the vaginal canal to your waiting-to-be-fertilized egg that much shorter and that much easier. Also, once the sperm reach the cervix and travel through the small opening into the uterus, it’s game over. No douching solution can go that far.

2. I Won’t Get Pregnant If He Pulls Out

Yes, if he pulls out, most of the sperm will go wherever he chooses to ejaculate after he does so. A penis, however, is a loaded gun! There’s ammo in the barrel at all times, even before your partner has an orgasm. Anytime a penis comes into contact with your vagina, you run the risk of becoming pregnant, no matter how “low” that risk seems to be.

3. I Can Have Safe Sex As Soon As I Take My First Birth Control Pill

In a perfect world, yes. However, most women need to take the pill for an entire month before it truly becomes the advertised 99% effective. To avoid getting pregnant, a woman must use backup contraception, such as spermicide, a condom or a diaphragm during this month to keep from becoming pregnant while her body is adjusting to the pill.

4. I Can’t Get Pregnant If I’m Breastfeeding

In truth, breastfeeding is designed to tell the body it doesn’t need to drop any more eggs. But our bodies don’t always listen to us, and breastfeeding isn’t a surefire way to protect yourself from getting pregnant again. In fact, some women report that they felt they were more fertile after having a baby than before because they got pregnant again right away!

5. I Won’t Get Prenant If I Have Sex And I’m A Virgin

Nope. Not a bit of truth to that one. If your ovaries have dropped an egg (which they do every month) and your partner ejaculates inside your vagina, that’s a recipe for pregnancy whether you’ve had sex a million times before or have never, ever had sex.

6. If I Pee Or Shower Right After Sex, It Will Prevent Pregnancy

Sperm travel very fast and it’s likely that many of them have already reached your cervix before you even hop in the tub. When men ejaculate, they ejaculate hundreds of millions of sperm. There’s just no way to wash – or urinate – all those sperm away. It’s impossible. And ladies, all your egg needs for pregnancy is 1 tiny, little sperm.

7. Certain Sex Positions Can Prevent Pregnancy

No matter what position you have sex in, if your partner ejaculates in your vaginal canal, his sperm are going to start swimming towards your cervix and possibly a waiting egg. Even if you’re standing up and you think the sperm are going to go down instead of up, those little guys can swim.

8. I Can’t Get Pregnant If I’m On My Period

While your risk of getting pregnant while on your period is lower than any other time of the month, it’s not low enough. Most women, however, have irregular cycles and many women can drop an egg or more than one egg during any time of the month. In addition to that, sperm can live inside your cervix and uterus for up to 5 days!

9. I Won’t Get Pregnant If We Have Sex In A Hot Tub.

Yes. You Can. The water in a hot tub is pretty hot, but not hot enough to kill the 500 some million sperm your guy is ejaculating.

10. I Can’t Find A Condom. A Balloon Or Plastic Wrap Will Work.

No! Can you imagine how uncomfortable a balloon will be for your partner? Not to mention it will probably bust or roll off. Plastic wrap? Surefire semen spillage. A condom is the only thing your partner can put on his penis during sex to help prevent pregnancy.

Filed Under: Sex Tips & Advice Tagged With: safe sex

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