Sex Tips & Advice

Is It Normal For a Virgin to Be Into BDSM?

As a virgin, it’s normal to find yourself turned on and sexually excited by many things, even if you’ve never actually had sexual intercourse.

What turns you on is going to be different from what turns someone else on, and it’s important to embrace diversity and celebrate your uniqueness!

Is there ever a point where something that turns you on would not be considered normal, especially if you’re a virgin?

Well, yes and no. It’s a complicated situation that needs a hard, honest look.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I found your website on YouTube. I think I am into BDSM or there may be something wrong with me. I believe I am more Sadistic than Masochistic though and I am still a virgin as is my boyfriend. He likes to be clawed and chained (yet to let me do that though) and when I scream in pain because I got hurt or something he gets a little excited. I have clawed him so bad I took chunks of skin out of his hips and when he screamed in pain I laughed at him.

The idea of burning, whipping, tying down, flogging, wrist/handcuffing, caging, and torturing him sounds fun. Is there something wrong with me?

Is it possible for a virgin to be into BDSM like this?

– Barbara, Missouri

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OxuDMsf76o[/youtube]

Virgin Into BDSM

BDSM often refers to fetishes in general, although many use it to refer to the old S&M or sadism and masochism. Some people find themselves turned on by being possessive and powerful or submissive and this is usually completely natural.

Do you enjoy pain? Many people do. Why else are tattoos, piercings and other body modifications so popular? Lots of people enjoy receiving pain and even giving it, and it’s nothing new to interpret BDSM sexually, even if you are a virgin. There is no law that says that if you’ve never had sex that you can’t enjoy giving and receiving pain and being turned on by it sexually. It’s the same for young men that are turned on by their parent’s Playboy magazines. It is simply what turns you on.

Can you ever go too far?

It’s important to look at what is “too far” for you. If you’re adamant about staying a virgin, than yes, having sexual intercourse would be “too far.” You need to examine your beliefs and morals on your own and really look at them to determine what would be too far for you and your partner.

That said, with BDSM, it is possible to go too far with the giving and receiving of pain. Are you and your partner getting hurt? Are you engaging in dangerous activity that could cause infections or transmitted diseases? If so, you may want to look at toning it down a notch, especially if anything that you and your partner are doing is illegal. If you’re simply looking to put a little kink into your relationship, there’s generally no harm in that.

Are you normal?

Normal, by definition, is something that doesn’t really exist in humanity. Everyone is different. If your attraction to BDSM and fetishes feels normal to you, you most likely don’t have anything to worry about, especially if you and your partner’s actions aren’t hurting anyone.

If you find yourself really looking to hurt your partner, hurt yourself or hurt other people and you feel as though something is wrong with you, don’t be afraid to get help. Seek counseling in an atmosphere where you won’t feel judged.

Overall, most inclinations towards BDSM are normal and perfectly healthy, even if you are a virgin. If you do find yourself hurting your partner or allowing your partner to hurt you, it is important to stop and perhaps tone it down. Nobody needs to get hurt to have a some good, old fashioned S&M fun.

Remember play it safe! Have a code word that you or your partner can use if things get too rough. Once the code word is said, everything stops. If what you’re doing is safe and appealing to you, just have a good time and don’t worry about it!

3-Before-Me: A Proven Guideline For Great Sex

By leejenkins

Have you ever heard of the “3-Before-Me” rule?

Simply put, it means that you do whatever it takes to make your woman experience an orgasm 3 times before you even allow her to start pleasuring you.

Now, just the thought of this may tire you out but we’re not really talking about orgasms during intercourse here. We mean the following (and in this sequence):

Clitoral orgasm
G-spot orgasm
Blended orgasm

It’s best to bring your woman to a clitoral orgasm first for the simple reason that the clitoris is easiest to stimulate and will be most responsive to your ‘attentions’ at the start of making love. Furthermore, a clitoral orgasm prepares her physically for that all-elusive G-spot orgasm.

A G-spot orgasm will give your partner a different kind of sensation compared to a clitoral orgasm. Many women claim that it’s ‘deeper’ and more ‘body-rocking’ than clitoral orgasms.

After a G-spot orgasm, it’s time for blended orgasms, which is that magic combination of a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm.

Why the “3-Before-Me” Rule Rocks!

Now you may be wondering, “Why give her 3 orgasms first before I even have 1?”

Well, there are plenty of reasons supporting this and trust me, it will benefit you as well.

Did you know that about 70-75% of women do NOT reach an orgasm during sexual intercourse?

Imagine the frustration this brings! So with the “3-Before-Me” rule, you’re actually physically setting her up for a vaginal orgasm. And even if she doesn’t reach an orgasm at this stage, IT’S OK.

After all, she already reached her climax 3 times before right? So no sexual frustration on her part anymore even if she doesn’t have an orgasm during intercourse.

Be the Sex God You’ve Always Wanted To Be

As mentioned above, a great percentage of women do not reach an orgasm during sexual intercourse, yet few men go out of their way to ensure that they’re sexually satisfied in bed. If you practice the “3-Before-Me” rule, she’ll be talking her head off to all her friends that she’s found THE man that can really fulfill her in bed!

It Doesn’t Matter If You Can’t Last Long In Bed

With the 3-Before-Me rule, it doesn’t matter if you can’t last long during sex. Some men get so excited in bed that they tend to come just a little bit sooner than what their partners would like. However, if you pleasure her first, do you think she’ll notice how soon you come during intercourse? I bet she won’t!

The 3-Before-Me Makes Sex Better

Since you’ve gone out of your way to pleasure her and bring her to orgasm three times, can you imagine what she will do to YOU to show her gratitude? Many men claim that sex is definitely better after they pleasure their women first.

Keep in mind that “3-Before-Me” is really more a guide than a rule. It’s not written in stone so don’t feel that you’re doing something wrong if you don’t make her experience a female orgasm 3 times all the time.

What you must remember is this: please her first and you’re in for a rocking time in bed!

Help! I Can’t Feel It When We Have Sex Anymore. Is My Sex Life Over?

By loveandsex

Whether it happens suddenly or it’s something that happens over time, losing vaginal sensitivity can be extremely upsetting for a woman, especially one that’s quite sexually active.

This can come as even more of a shock if a woman has previously enjoyed G-spot or vaginal orgasms and great sex, because the loss of sensitivity may create some feelings of inadequacy. What can a woman that has lost vaginal sensitivity do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I was married for 11 1/2 years and the sex was good. Then I divorced and remarried. While my husband (now) and I were dating our sex was AMAZING!!! I never knew a woman could have an orgasm like that. I would drench him and the sheets by just having regular sex with no stimulation of the clitoris.

We’ve been married for 2 years now and for the last year I am not able to be stimulated inside anymore. I feel his penis in me but it doesn’t get stimulated. I asked my doctor and he just says to stimulate my clitoris, well I don’t want to have to do that all the time. I want to feel the stimulate my vagina again.

Why has this happened? What went wrong? Please help.

– Michael, Florida

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqj2224mdE0[/youtube]

Realize that it may be age or frequent sex that has caused the loss of muscle tone.

Both age and frequent sex cause the loss of muscle tone. It’s something that happens naturally, so if you find yourself in a situation where sex isn’t as great as it once was, age and sex may be the culprits. The loss of vaginal muscle tone also happens after a woman gives birth vaginally. That said, however, you certainly aren’t out of luck when it comes to this situation.

You can increase vaginal muscle tone by doing Kegel exercises. Kegel exercises work to improve the strength of the pelvic floor muscles, which are responsible for holding in urine among other things. You can do Kegel repetitions by simply squeezing your vaginal muscles as though you were going to stop a stream of urine before you had completely finished. No one’s going to know you’re doing it, so feel free to sneak in a few Kegels at your desk or in line for lunch! Regular Kegel exercises will improve vaginal muscle tone, making it easier for you to climax vaginally without any external clitoral stimulation.

Seek a sex therapist.

You may have visited your doctor, thinking something was wrong with the machinery down there. This is most likely not the case, although mentioning the situation at your yearly visit to your doctor won’t hurt anything and it’s always nice to get a professional medical opinion about an issue that you’re having. Sex therapists, however, have more to offer in that department so you might want to seek one out to help you with your vaginal sensitivity loss. They’ll have plenty of tips, tricks and things you and your partner can try to get your sex lives up and running again!

Work with different positions.

Nothing stays the same all the time, especially sex. Even if it’s with the same person, sex can change. You can get into a routine where you’re comfortable with sex and nothing out of the ordinary happens. Comfort sex is great, but it can be frustrating when you’re looking to get those mind blowing orgasms back.

Don’t be afraid to try new things and try new positions and realize that the same position that gave you that great orgasm a few months ago might not work now. That’s okay and that’s one of the great things about sex – it always keeps you on your toes, looking for new things to do and new ways to achieve good orgasms and please your partner!

The loss of vaginal sensitivity that many women experience is a mixture of many different factors. It never hurts to get a medical opinion, but if you’ve tried several different sexual positions and nothing is working for you, see a sex therapist. If after a few months of trying to get back into your groove it still isn’t happening, relax. Find a new and different way to enjoy yourself and just go with the flow!

4 Reasons Why Female Orgasms Are So Hard To Achieve

By leejenkins

There seems to be a conspiracy. Men want women to climax, women want to climax. So why is that, according to studies, about 70% of women never reach an orgasm during intercourse?

We can of course focus on other methods women can orgasm (e.g., oral sex, fingering, etc.) but even those may not be enough to giver her an orgasm if she has negative sexual issues with herself.

Female Orgasm Difficulty #1: Shyness

One of the main things that prohibit women to let go between the sheets is good ol’ fashioned shyness. If this is what’s stopping your woman from reaching an orgasm, then there plenty enough ways to help her out.

For one, dim the lights or turn them off if that’s what she prefers. Many women have body and weight issues so the harsh reality of being naked in front of you will not only make her uncomfortable but make her mind focus on the wrong things (i.e., how she looks versus the pleasures her body’s getting).

Another way you can help her out is by actually encouraging her to keep her top on. Tell her how you like seeing her nipples hard and straining against her shirt or lingerie. This will make her think she’s doing you a favor by not removing her top, and help her be less self-conscious at the same time.

Female Orgasm Difficulty #2: Performance Issues

She knows she’s not your first and sometimes, this thought gives rise to nagging performance issues between the sheets. How does she compare to all your other love interests? Well, put her fears to rest and make her focus on reaching her own orgasm by compliment her or whispering her name often while making love.

Female Orgasm Difficulty #3: Physical Pain

Not everything you read or see in X-rated films is what they’re made out to be. A seemingly hot sexual position may actually be causing her a physical discomfort and may not be sexually stimulating at all.

So pay attention to how she REALLY reacts when you try out new moves in bed. If sexual position is not the cause of any physical discomfort she feels, a visit to a doctor may be necessary.

Female Orgasm Difficulty #4: Past Negative Experiences

A bad experience with a former flame may also be inhibiting your woman to let go and enjoy the pleasures of sex with you. For instance, one woman had a former boyfriend confess to her that she smelled funny down there.

This bothered the woman so much that long after the boyfriend had gone, she has never allowed anyone to perform oral sex on her again. Worse, she was so focused on this ‘bad thing’ that sex altogether became unpleasant and she was starting to wonder if she was frigid.

If you notice anything like this with your woman, discuss it while re-assuring her all the while that you do like making love to her and that all you want to do is make her experience the same physical pleasures you’re experiencing. It’s worth the shot!

Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List

By thebeautifulkind

So are you ready to get your kink on?

What will you need? Where are you going to get it? How crazy do you want to be?

This article will offer an interesting twist on classic BDSM items, as well as introduce you to a few new possibilities.

Hint: I’ve found a new use for four AA batteries, and the results have been spine-tingling.

Bondage in Aisle 5 – Hardware Stores Seen in a Whole New Light

It’s so funny – now that I’m into BDSM, the most innocent places spark sexually interesting ideas. We’re talking hardware stores, garden stores, pet stores… I used to have to be dragged into these places for sink parts and dog food, and now I like ducking into the rope aisle to see what colors or textures they have in stock.

I’ll whiz past the rawhide chews to see what kind of dog collars will fit a human-size neck. (“Does this come with a matching leash?”) Garden shops have hemp rope for binding trees – now come on, trees aren’t going anywhere, let’s put that rope to better use!

The Shopping List

In addition to your hands and mouth, here are some suggestions for your BDSM bag of tricks, one for every day of the week:

1. Ropes

Practice your reverse prayer, chest harness, and hog tie techniques with a variety of ropes – nylon, hemp, cotton. Rough, smooth, thick, silky, it’s fun to experiment and find out which works best for you. Not only can you restrain someone with rope, but you can fashion it into something as sexy as lingerie – highlight various parts of the body and turn it into an art form.

Fun tip: Apply a vibrator to a taut length of rope and feel the vibration spread…

Where you can find it: hardware, garden, army surplus store, online. Or steal it from the local boy scout troop.

2. Handcuffs

Metal cuffs are edgier and more painful, and lend an extra air of humiliation to your play session. It’s especially intense when they tighten up as you’re having sex, it’s like being bitten. I also like the smell of them – the oiled metal is hot.

Where you can find it: sex store, gun store, your friendly neighborhood police officer.

3. Clothes pins

Clothes pins should be renamed “nipple clamps.” I mean, who uses them for hanging clothes these days? The inexpensive wooden clamps can be arranged in nice little rows along the curve of the torso or along the shoulder blades to make “angel wings.”

Where you can find it: grocery store, laundry aisle of retailer store, your old-fashioned neighbors clothesline.

4. Wartenberg Wheel

My girlfriend introduced this one to me (she has a bit of a medical equipment fetish). I LOVE this thing. It’s a stainless steel metal wheel on a handle with sharp pins radiating from the wheel. It rotates as it is rolled across the flesh, lighting nerves on fire. She likes holding me down and running it along my back, my front… she likes making me shriek and squirm.

Where you can find it: ebay, online BDSM store, neurologist’s office.

5. Flog

A flog is great because you can use it as the sweetest little tickle toy, or raise up some serious red welts by putting some muscle into it as you lay into your loved one. At this stage of my exploration, I’m enjoying the light sensations of the many little tails dancing on my skin. Flogs are usually made of leather or rubber.

Where you can find it: Farm supply store (riding crops too!), online BDSM store, make your own.

6. Butt plug

The butt is often the least explored body part, and that is putting tons of sensitive nerve endings to waste. Wearing a butt plug during sex can completely change the dynamics of an otherwise normal and pleasurable coupling. It can add a whole new level of intensity and vulnerability. And guess what – they aren’t just for the bedroom. You’d be surprised how many people are walking around in grocery stores wearing one. Turns a boring trip to the store for some sugar and cereal into something kinky and fun.

Where you can find it: sex store, online, your mom’s bedside table (OK that’s just a rude joke, but wouldn’t it be fun if it were true?)

7. Cobra Stinger

This is my newest discovery, and wow am I excited about it! The cobra stinger is this small black box with two metal prongs. It has a low and high setting. You have to touch both of the prongs in order to feel the minor electrical charge it puts out. Try touching it with two finger, and then running it up your arm. OR you can touch one prong and your partner can touch the other and get the current working through both of you.

Even trippier, if you are both touching it and touch the other person’s tongue – well talk about tongue tingling. It’s more about feeling a fascinating sensation than it is about pain.

Where you can find it: online BDSM store, in my hot little hand.

If you have a toy that you love that hasn’t been mentioned here, please share as a comment. We’re all learning as we go!

Next up: What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt.