Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for affairs

Lessons From Tiger Woods’ Apology

By

Tiger Woods’ recent apology could go a long way toward repairing his image, but much more importantly it could help to repair his marriage – IF he meant what he said and follows through with his commitments. In his speech, he admitted to his infidelities (of course), acknowledged that he didn’t deserve special treatment, implored the media to keep his family out of it, and said that he and Elin would be having many deep, difficult conversations that would stay between them. Although most of us will never experience a fall as public as Tiger’s, there are pieces of his speech that can apply to just about anyone when it comes to relational difficulty.

How Tiger’s Apology Can Help Every Relationship

  • Don’t think that you’re above the rules. One of the things that Tiger pointed out was because of his position and fame, he felt that he was entitled to all the perks and opportunities that came along with his role. Unfortunately, when it all came crashing down he realized he would have to deal with the fall-out just like everyone else. People engaging in affairs tend to make similar excuses no matter what their position in life – they come to believe they’re justified or entitled to make the decisions they’re making. But when the truth is discovered, most everyone ends up in the same place, picking up the pieces.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help – from friends or a higher power. In the course of his apology, Tiger referenced the support he’d received from friends as well as his need to get back to the Buddhist teachings of his childhood. When we’ve made mistakes – whether they’re of a sexual nature or not – that affects the people around us and we’re trying to pick up the pieces, we need a support system. Thinking we can do it alone through our own power will only lead to further mistakes.
  • Don’t let the outside in. Conversely, there are certain things that need to be kept between the people most affected. As Tiger implored the media to leave Elin out of it, so people who are in a difficult situation need – even more than normal – to engage in what I call Smart Heart Dialogue, which I mention in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up. This type of communication creates a safe space where the truth can be spoken without fear of judgment or repercussion and where each person has a place to voice their concerns and fears. Creating an environment like this doesn’t happen over night and it certainly doesn’t happen if the people involved are worried that their confessions will be broadcast.
  • Don’t be opposed to putting your life on hold. Serious mistakes need to be taken seriously. And this may mean taking time out to get professional counseling, enter a treatment program or take time apart to sort things out. Don’t think that everything can be business as usual and eventually the details will fall into place. Relationships that have fallen on hard times need even more nurturing, but they CAN grow and move beyond a painful, upsetting phase.

Andrew Young Covers For John Edwards

By

News broke this week that John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth are splitting up, which actually happens in the majority of adultery cases (65%). And since this is such an extreme case, it’s easy to see how – if they weren’t receiving the proper counseling or commitment – this could have happened.

Prior to John Edwards accepting paternity of the daughter he fathered with a woman working on his campaign, his aide had accepted responsibility for this child. On the eve of his aide, Andrew Young, releasing a tell-all memoir (which he’ll be discussing this week on 20/20) that was set to reveal Edwards as the real father – among other admissions and accusations we’ll likely just have to wait to find out about – Edwards himself finally made his guilty admission: that in addition to having an affair he copped to last year, he had also fathered a child.

Denials Give Way To Emotional Issues

These denials, cover-ups, subsequent admissions, more lies and cover-ups and more admissions indicate is likely trying to work through some severely emotional problems. Of course, all affairs and lies are wrong, upsetting and emotionally draining, but it’s likely to get blown out of proportion into an even wider scope when the cycle of stress, lies and affairs is perpetuated by someone in the spotlight – and when more and more drama is piled on as the lies compound.

I think it’s time that we as a society began to look at adultery for what it truly is: an addiction. Just like no other addiction should be excused or justified, so must we demand restitution for infidelity. But looking at it as an addiction or “affair disease” will also help us understand and treat the problem.

We need to stop glamorizing adultery, or – alternatively – bastardizing it. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name). Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure, and so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What Causes Adultery

Adultery can be triggered by feelings of stress, separation and loss. Here again, these are all things Edwards has experienced and – because of his role in the public eye – experienced at an intense degree. The stress of his job not to mention the stress of attempting to run a presidential campaign. The fear of separation from his wife as she battled cancer. The loss of a child he fathered with Elizabeth. This things have all likely played out to their conclusion, resulting in the affair and subsequent attempted cover-up.

One of the things we can learn from the fall from grace is that we need to learn to articulate what we’re feeling before it’s too late. It’s likely that Edwards subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing the election or losing his wife or losing his son – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear and loss by deciding to cheat. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

John Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

By

The New York Daily News came out with an article on John Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Understanding Adultery

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts with the affair disease, who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

How To Avoid Destructive Behavior

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable. It’s caused by stress and fear of separation and loss. As I’ve mentioned before, successful people in the spotlight – like Edwards and Tiger to name only two – experience these emotions intensely and regularly because of their line of work. Edwards was likely especially challenged by fear of separation and loss when he lost his child and when his wife struggled through cancer during the elections. All these components can add up to make the life he faced as a politician even more stressful and frightening.

Of course I would never excuse someone’s adulterous, lying behavior but if we can seek to understand it, like we seek to understand other addiction I believe we can keep couples together.

John Edwards’ Situation Looks Bleak – Can It Be Saved?

By

By now, the news of John Edwards’ admittance to fathering a child with a woman working on his campaign has hit the airwaves and is making its way around the media. Talk shows, news programs, morning shows ~ everyone is riffing off of this admission and everyone has something to say about it. One thing seems to be the general consensus: that following Edwards’ earlier admission to having an affair with this woman, yet denying paternity of the father, no one is actually surprised he’s reneged on this earlier claim.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

If You Are The “Other Woman,” Read THIS!

By

When a man has an affair with a woman who does not match his wife in terms of intelligence, accomplishment, and class, it is because he has no intention of replacing his wife with her. He has no intention of making a life with her. He has no intention of placing himself in the position to be her protector and provider. No matter how hot he is for her, he doesn’t respect her and has no intention of taking care of her. She exists to take care of his needs. To whatever extent his power and the seduction of pretending she is somehow superior to his wife feels good to her and seems to meet a need of hers; he does not, in fact, exist to serve her.

Does He Really Love You?

As Steve Harvey so beautifully says in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

When a man loves you he does three things:

A man in love with you professes his love for you, both to you and to others.

A man in love with you provides for you.

A man in love with you protects you.

When a married man has an affair with you, he is in no position to profess his love for you to anyone outside the relationship because it puts him and his reputation at risk. He is in no position to provide for you either. Even if he buys you expensive gifts or sets you up in an apartment, you have no legal claim on this man. When he changes his mind about you or if he dies, you get nothing and you have no recourse to use your romantic tie to him to get anything.

Steve Harvey says that providing for his woman is “the very core of manhood.” As his mistress, your man isn’t free to express himself with you at his masculine best. This results in resentment towards you and contributes to his lack of respect for you.

When a married man has an affair with you, he cannot protect you from those who will judge you once they know you are romantically linked to a married man. He isn’t in your life enough to protect you from the slings and arrows of life. He cannot protect you from people who mistreat you because to do so puts him at too much risk. When a married man has an affair with you, he puts you in harm’s way. This is why the movie, “Fatal Attraction,” terrified a generation of men. When the mistress put the cheating husband in harm’s way, she completely undermined his power in that relationship, in his marriage, and in the rest of his life.

In the short term, the thrill of the chase, the excitement of being “bad,” and the newness of sex with you can make him appear to be gloriously happy with you. It will not last.

Are There Any Exceptions To This Rule?

There is one caveat to this observation. Sometimes two people genuinely fall in love while cheating on their spouses. Sometimes, when marriages are in trouble and ending, the next love comes along before the marriage has had a chance to come to an end. It is a complicated way to begin a relationship and carries fragility and vulnerabilities that singles who fall in love don’t have to deal with. In such a case, you will find your man either professing his love for you, providing for you, and protecting you or taking action to speed up the day when he can do so.

If you are a married man’s mistress, be deeply honest with yourself about how you perceive him. Take a good long look at whether or not he is making himself free to profess his love for you outside the relationship, genuinely provide for you, and be there to really protect you. If not, confront the fact that he will never really be yours but will always belong to someone else and decide if this is good enough for you.

You are worthy of better love. If he can’t provide it, what are you waiting for?