affairs – Page 8

Letterman Scandal Shines Light On Serial Adulterers

As news broke recently about David Letterman’s admitted relationships with women who worked for him, it points again to the fact that people in the spotlight tend to act out when stressed and pursue illicit relationships. The Letterman scandal was brought to light by a CBS newsman who originally tried to use the information as part of an extortion scheme. The man was apparently desperate and deeply in debt when he tried to blackmail the talk show host for two million dollars, forcing the late night comic to acknowledge having sex with some of the women who work for him.

This accusation and subsequent admission on Letterman’s part has created a sticky legal and professional situation. Although the affairs were prior to his marriage to his long-time girlfriend, the couple was apparently together during the time of the indiscretions.

What’s Behind Serial Adultery?

I’m reminded of the circumstances surrounding John Edward’s affair. While some of the key details are different – Edwards had a family, his wife was sick, he was likely fearing her death and a drastic change in his family and career – many of the important details are the same. Both are men in the spotlight, under an immense amount of pressure. People in the public eye have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis, and therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel. Edwards and Letterman both have the problem of being serial adulterers, which I explain more in my book, Makeup Don’t Breakup. But the good news is that since both these men have come clean to their families and the public, this situation can actually bring their respective families closer. The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with.

Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. More information on facilitating these types of discussions following potentially disastrous indiscretions – relational, financial and otherwise – can be found in my book, Financial Infidelity.

Erotic Fundamentalism

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Erotic fundamentalism doesn’t have anything to do with the fundamentals of eroticism! Think “religious fundamentalism” and we’re getting closer to the term’s meaning.

Are Opposite Sex Friendships Harmful?

There’s a movement across the land of the free encouraging people to restrict their interaction with members of the opposite sex because an innocent, platonic friendship can become emotional infidelity, eventually becoming physical. I even recently wrote an article for AskDanandJennifer.com about the vulnerability of opposite sex friendships becoming emotional affairs prior to getting physical. However, I did not offer advice at the extreme I heard recently. That extreme advice was to just say no to friendships with the opposite sex. That’s just crazy! Although, I must say, it isn’t surprising in a society where six year old little boys can be suspended from school when they “sexually harass” their teachers!

While there is benefit to paying attention to whether or not you are more excited to see a co-worker than you are your spouse, suggesting you might have a crush on the co-worker with the need to wake up to that fact; refusing to make friends with the opposite sex when you are in a committed relationship only adds fire to fuel of infidelity. What you resist persists. It is why various charismatic preachers have been caught with their pants down with the wrong woman or man through the years. Putting too much attention on what’s wrong with sex, suggests one protests too much. And if that is true then before too long it will come around to bite one in the butt.

More Comfortable With Violence Than Sexual Expression?

I don’t know if erotic fundamentalists are like other kinds of fundamentalists who are more comfortable with violence than they are with sexual expression. I suspect they are. A prescription for infidelity that includes refusing to make friends with the opposite sex suggests that sexuality is to be considered repugnant. Sex, more than love, is the source of life. You can have babies with or without love. But only sex brings forth life. In my experience, those who find sex repugnant, find violence appealing.

Our television and movie viewing habits reveal America’s obsession with violence and revulsion of sex. I remember when I read that a movie is given an NC-17 rating when the people copulating in it reach orgasm at the same time. If the director edits the film so that their orgasms occur seconds apart, they can have an R rating and increase their audience.

The Ugly Truth?

I thought I was above the preference for violence over sex thing until I saw “The Ugly Truth” for the first time. Having a not-so-secret crush on Gerard Butler, I couldn’t wait to see him in a chick flick where his character didn’t have to die! As I sat through my first viewing of the movie, I found myself laughing at the raunchy humor while dying a little inside. Gerard quickly fell off the pedestal I’d had him on. In one scene in particular, he uses the phrase “flick the bean” repeatedly, referring to a woman pleasuring herself.

I left the movie remembering his performances in “Phantom of the Opera” and “300,” saying, “King Leonidas and the Phantom do not say, ‘flick the bean!’ They’re too classy for that!” Then I added, “Of course, they kill people but they don’t say, ‘flick the bean!'” I was humbled to realize I was just like every other American who was comfortable with violence, uncomfortable with sex.

I went back and saw “The Ugly Truth” a second time. It really is best not to put anyone on a pedestal whether they are a real part of your life or part of that grand public parade out there. It was much better for me the second time around!

We do not need to constrict our expressions of love, affection, and friendship with anyone – opposite or same sex person. Resisting the natural inclination for innocent flirtations with and genuine support of friends will not cure what ails us. Being attracted to someone other than your spouse or significant other simply means you are still in the game. You are still alive and vibrant. And, if you like this language, it means your kundalini is healthy. Take responsibility for how you express love, affection, and friendship but please don’t call it quits. If you do, you’ll not only do violence to your heart and soul; you’ll likely find yourself single again and able to flirt all you want with whomever you want while your broken heart keeps you company.

The Good Wife

By drbonnieeakerweil

A show called The Good Wife, is a drama that focuses on the wife of a politician. Her husband has recently been thrown in jail for his part in a public sex and corruption scandal. She then returns to her old job as a defense attorney in an attempt to rebuild her life and provide for her kids.

It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?

By drbonnieeakerweil

We’ve all seen it over and over … politicians (and others who are vocal and visible) preach morality, family and the like, and end up falling victim to an affair. Then, what’s perhaps more surprising to us, is that the spouse (usually the wife) decides to stick it out. To forgive and forget and work through whatever issues have arisen. This decision baffles a lot of us, and it’s one that Governor Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, recently tried to explain in a recent interview. She’s the gracious, forgiving woman being called a “role model,”by the Washington Post, and a “media genius” by Newsweek.

Infidelity Is An Addiction

In June, when Gov. Sanford admitted that he had not been traveling along the Appalachian Trail, but in fact, traipsing around Argentina with the mistress he had met eight years ago, Jenny was cool and composed. She and her sons then moved out of the governor’s mansion, but the former investment banker turned stay-at-home mother of four has decided to give her husband another chance, for a reason I completely agree with: Infidelity is an addiction and – just like when someone’s addicted to drugs or alcohol – it becomes nearly impossible to break away.

For this reason, I deem adultery the “forgivable sin” and, in my book Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery, delve into reasons why people need to conquer this biochemical craving for connection and have an affair with their own partner!

As Jenny aptly put it, “Everybody would like an escape sometimes. I’d like somebody 5,000 miles away I could E-mail. It’s not exclusive to men, but I know that isn’t realistic.”

Affairs Are Self-Medicating

Engaging in an affair can provide the desire for an illicit self-medicating, thrill-seeking “high” that many people seek. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An affair fulfills the biochemical craving for connection, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself. In order to re-instate that connection with our partner I suggest taking some time apart and doing what I call a “brush with death,” which Jenny has already done.

More instructions can be found in my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup, but when you do this “break up to make up” correctly, you’re operating from the position that you don’t know what you have till you lose it. This is a technique that jolts most people into getting their feelings back and falling back in love with their partner.

Forgiveness Is Divine

Or, in the words of Jenny Sanford:

“All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else, and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into being a good mother and wife. Now I think it’s up to my husband to do the soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his court.”

When Does Harmless Flirtation Become An Affair?

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Some would say there is no such thing as a “harmless” flirtation. I disagree. Humans flirt. It isn’t just a mating ritual; it is one of the many ways we communicate with each other, extending an invitation for various levels of closeness. When you are around babies and small children and begin cooing and talking baby talk, you’re flirting! It’s a way of letting others know you are safe and fun to be with. It is a way of getting close. However, among married or committed adults, harmless flirting can become an affair long before any physical act of passion takes place.

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll refer to married life in light of this issue. However, it is clearly true that the same advice can be applied to any committed relationship!

Flirtation vs. Affair

The shift from flirtation to affair happens before you begin doing the things in the list I have provided below. The shift happens when deep inside yourself you feel a sense of loyalty and belonging to this other person. You feel the rush of falling in love, even if you don’t call it that. A chemical reaction even happens in your body, allowing this stranger to feel like “home.” Then the following kinds of things begin to happen, sending up a red flag that you have crossed the line.

You can’t wait till the next time you text, instant message, call, or see that person.
You begin sharing things with him or her that you don’t share with your spouse.
You begin making a list of the things you look forward to sharing with your new friend.
You create experiences or conversations with this person that you are reluctant to share with your spouse.
All your spare thoughts are for and about the other person.
You dress for him or her, rather than for your spouse or even yourself.
The two of you begin sharing secrets.
You find that his or her cologne or perfume makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
You resent the time your marriage steals from your new friend.

At this stage of the game, you have an emotional affair underway. Now what? There are many things that need to happen if your first priority is to save your marriage.

An Emotional Affair

First of all, understand that this emotional affair doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Your relationship does need attention. That is obvious.

Take responsibility for what you have created. Don’t waste time playing the blame game, accusing anyone else for your lapse in judgment. Thank God for your ability to make new friends and then get busy taking your life back before it gets ruined.

Get clear about whether or not you wish to remain married. If this emotional affair is the last straw on an already burdened marriage that has been heading for divorce for some time, you need to be aware of that. However, if it was a lapse in judgment and you want to save your marriage, allow it to serve as a yellow flag that your spouse and your marriage need your attention.

If You Want To Save Your Marriage

Stop the behaviors that led you into this affair. Quit texting, instant messaging, and calling this other person. Quit sharing things with him or her that you do not want to share with your spouse. Quit having private lunches or any other private rendezvous.

You may have to tell your friend that while you appreciate the friendship, your family needs more of you and that it’s time for you to turn your attention back to your family. I don’t suggest acknowledging to your friend that the two of you are in the middle of an emotional affair. Not if you want to save your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, your emotional state in light of your friend is actually none of his or her business. It is your business and it may be your spouse’s business, but it isn’t your friend’s business.

Treat turning your thoughts away from this friend and back to your real life and the real loves in your life like a self-growth or spiritual discipline. You don’t have to beat yourself up when you find your thoughts drifting to him or her. Simply turn your thoughts to something else, anything else that has to do with your real life. (I say real because unless this emotional affair is solid proof to you that your marriage is over, you are living a fantasy getting your emotional needs met this way).

Open Communication

Talk to your spouse. Without blame, open the door for discussions about what the two of you need to do and how you need to be in order to strengthen your relationship. The emotional affair may have been an accident, but it is also a warning that your relationship is fragile and needs nourishment. Assure your spouse that your heart, your head, and your body are in the marriage. Be prepared to have that assurance tested by your spouse and your own thoughts and feelings.

Stick to the process with a renewed commitment to increase the intimacy and friendship between you and your spouse and the lapse in judgment that led to the emotional affair could turn out to be a true gift.