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Are Bankers And Financiers More Vulnerable To Affairs?

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During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places.

According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

Does Money Make You More Vulnerable?

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book Financial Infidelity, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

Relieve Stress Without An Affair

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Best Love And Marriage Articles Of 2009

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This year, public scandals have been on the cover of every tabloid magazine and on every news channel from NBC to ABC to CNN. The Letterman adultery scandal and more recently, the Tiger Woods adultery scandal may make you wonder if there’s any possibility of having a successful marriage or relationship at all without the involvement of an affair. Even though public scandals have topped the list this year, we’ve countered them with tons of articles on how to have successful relationships and marriages, and how to avoid having an affair whether it’s a financial affair or straight up cheating or infidelity. We’ve covered just about every topic there is on love and marriage, so take a peek at our best love and marriage articles of 2009 so you can ring in the new year with a successful and loving relationship or marriage!

On Tiger Woods, And Adultery

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Let me state publically I am not a Justin Timberlake fan at all. His acting and even his stints on commercials and on Saturday Night Live I can handle, but his music and singing leaves me hallow. But in one moment I looked past my own personal dislike for the man’s abilities and saw him as a fellow human being broken before my eyes.

It happened during the Ashton Kutcher show Punk’d on MTV. The prank was to have Timberlake believe his bank assets were frozen, his money gone, and the FBI was on their way to visit him for tax evasion charges. The one person he turned to for help wasn’t Britney Spears, but his mother. He sat there shell shocked and bewildered and at that moment the joke wasn’t funny at all. I saw him on the verge of tears , as if his whole world was crumbling ; whether his own doing or not, I saw a young man who thought he had it all feel very humbled and human. Thankfully Ashton came out, set it straight, got chased by Timberlake and he was back to his old self again. At least it was all a joke.

Tiger’s Betrayal

But for Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods the last few weeks have not been good to the once unstoppable machine. My first thought of the news of Woods’ infidelity was a simple one. Finally, Tiger, the golfing machine, is human after all. And what should be a time to gloat or point is really, for me at least, a time to be saddened for him and to realize my own faults in the area. You see, I betrayed my former wife too and I’m not proud of it one bit. Some may say it’s only because you got caught that you feel sorry. I wish that were true. Unless you are a cold blooded adulterer who just doesn’t give a care for the crimes you’ve committed, there is the tinge of sorrow for the person you betrayed or the situation you find yourself in.

Diane Lane is perhaps one of the sexiest women I ever seen on the screen. But the times she was being sexy she played a woman who chose to have an affair (a nicer word for adultery). In the movies A Walk On The Moon and Unfaithful, she so aptly conveyed the look and feel of a person caught in adultery than any other actor I’ve seen before. Her look on the train ride home in Unfaithful is one of both sexual highs and the low reality of what happens to her relationship with her husband (played by Richard Gere) and her family? It showed on her face, a mixture of bliss and blunt force, not knowing what to do with her feelings, but not ready to let go of the taste of forbidden fruit. That’s the thing about adultery and why it has fascinated both media and the public for centuries.

Adultery In The Bible

One of the commands of the Ten Commandments given to Moses to share to the people has this line in it: “…you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20: 17b) . And yet we do it anyway; we wonder just what it would be like to sample our neighbor’s significant other. The most famous case of adultery is with King David. Yes, THAT David! The one who took down Goliath as a young man with a stone, who went on to become king of Israel and one who has a generational line that later produced a not too shabby carpenter’s son with a flair for miracles. Even the media of the time (who ever wrote the Old Testiment story) caught the act for generations to read about.

No longer going about in battles for the people of Israel, David was relegated to spend his time in the palace while younger men devoted to him sought to fight for the king’s honor. One night he found himself on the rooftop of the palace and checked out this beautiful woman named Bathsheba. She was bathing in a pool not far from the palace. When I read the story I had to think she was probably the finest looking Jewish woman around to get David’s loins aflame like they were in the story, because he took some drastic actions to get his way. He tried to get Bathsheba to come with him through conventional ways (talking to her husband Uriah) but when that didn’t work he sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have Bathsheba for himself. He thought his plan would work and no one would be the wiser.

The prophet Nathan came to be the most famous whistle blower in history when he confronted King David of his crime. As close as David and God were with each other, did David once think he was going to get away with infidelity? Sadly, he didn’t. Nathan laid out his crime and the consequences that would visit not just him but the nation of Israel and his family. Because of what David did, Israel would go through a host of bad kings who did wrong in God’s sight, leave a divided nation, and sowed the seeds for the Jewish people of that time to be taken from the land. Yet David found solace with one of the greatest apologies ever recorded in history and hope for restoration. In Psalm 51, David asked God to “wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.” (From the New American Standard version).

Coming Clean With Yourself

In my own “Scarlet Letter” moment, I had to pray that prayer a dozen times before calamity hit the fan and I was left in my own destruction. My own actions betrayed a trust, caused a broken heart, and did damage to my life and reputation. I turned to food to give me solace for the crimes I committed and it took a long time to recover from my own deeds.

I keep thinking the media and the public should be having a serious talk about adultery and why do people in the spotlight (i.e., David Letterman, LeAnn Rhimes, Gov. Mark Sanford, etc.) think they can get away with it. Then the cameras should point to the audience and ask the very question to the public. Why do we, peons of the world, think we can get away from our adultery without the need for a camera or publicity in our faces 24 hours a day? Maybe Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, had the right idea that monogamy is overrated. He does have a point; David had many wives if you read in the Old Testament and God made it clear if David was lacking in a wife he could have any that he wanted. Maybe that’s the discussion we need to have about whether the expectations of a monogamous life is a life we can realistically live a “happily ever after” or not?

What Is Lacking In Your Sex Life?

The real conversation—married or not—you should have in your bedrooms should be about your own relationship and is there anything you can do to strengthen it or make it better? Are you lacking in the sexual department? Should you think about ways to make the bedroom spicier than just reading a book or watching Letterman? Even before you decided to get married or living together unmarried the best discussion you should have is where are you and what do you desire intimately? We talk about everything else, but many a couple fail to talk about their intimate desires for fear of sounding too dirty or being rejected.

For now, there’s no stone in my hand aimed for Tiger, no “see I told you so” shouts at him, no wagging of the finger. I have no stone because I’d be one of the men who would drop his stone and walk away to leave the adulterous woman in the care of the carpenter’s son I talked about earlier. See, he came with this profound statement that whoever is without sin needs to throw the first stone. Apparently we all fail in this department and others to keep us from being head executioner.

Sin is sin. No sin is bigger or greater than another. Lying is as bad as adultery. Gluttony is as bad as adultery. These things we need to keep in mind because rain can come in our lives as easy as it does to the famous and powerful. But like anyone who has been through the storms of life, when our world is washed away and blown like the winds of a hurricane, we must find the courage to grieve for the moment, pick up the pieces, and build again.

How To Have An Affair… With Your Partner!

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These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last such as an affair, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.

Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong, passionate relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!

To Confront Or Not Confront: A Mistress Or A Lover

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We’ve all seen it, if not in real life then on TV or in the movies: The faithful wife or husband confronting their partner’s love. It happens time and time again, as the main character meets up with her cheating husband’s mistress.

To Confront Or Not To Confront

The question in itself may sound crazy: Should the jilted partner ever confront the “other woman” or man? But I believe that such a confrontation is sometimes warranted. You don’t have to do it in person, but a phone call can work just as well. In some situations, an confrontation with this person may be an important step of letting go and moving on, whether or not the couple decides to work things out. But as we’ve all seen in the media – in both fact and fiction – such a meeting can be harrowing and dramatic. Here are ten tips to ensure a productive confrontation with the lover of your unfaithful partner:

 1. Pick a neutral public place to meet

2. Never humiliate the lover or your mate in front of friends, coworkers, children or family members.

3. Tell the lover you do not wish to hurt him/her, but you will love your partner and know the feeling is mutual.

4. Make it clear that you will fight for the relationship and that you and your spouse have a history together.

5. Ask for time to make it work.

6. Point out that if your partner leaves the relationship still doubting and full of remorse, the lover will not get a fair shake and might get hurt even worse later on.

7. Look your best.

8. Remain cool, but firm. Remember, these are peace talks.

9. Try to see this person as a wounded child, too. Validate their feelings.

10. Point out the negatives of your partner’s situation- the children, the grim realities of maintaining two households.

Don’t Let The Angry Tiger Out Of Her Cage

You might prefer the idea of tackling your partner’s mistress, but instead aim for empathy, not sympathy. When making the decision to work things out with you partner, there will be many issues to deal with, but at this juncture you are looking to clear the air with the lover. Understand that they may have been a victim of the affair too. They may not have known the truth about your relationship, and even if they did that merely points to the fact that they have their own series of problems to work on.

The point here isn’t to cause a fight or create drama beyond what you’ll already be dealing with, but to bring closure to a situation with the “other” person, so you and your partner can focus on yourselves and making your relationship work again.