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Attracting the Relationship You Want Instead of the One You Left

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Unless you have been hiding underneath a rock you have heard about the Law of Attraction in the past couple of years.

Since the movie “the Secret” came out it seems that everyone has been talking about it.

Basically the Law of Attraction says that you will attract what you think about.

So of course, many people think that they would love to use this knowledge to attract the things that they really want in life such as money, career success and of course a wonderful loving relationship.

But is it easier said than done?

The Law of Attraction on Autopilot

The fact is that most people attract things into their lives by default.  Yes, it’s true. We tend to attract things into our life without thinking about it, we attract by autopilot.  It’s like driving to work everyday, we just do it automatically, without even thinking.

When was the last time you even thought about your route to work?

Yet, this very act of attracting by autopilot is what causes many a relationship to flounder.  How many times have you heard of a woman who married someone just like her father, or a man marrying a woman just like his mother?  Now, it is possible that a relationship like that could be a perfect match but it is also possible that it could just be a continuation of misery.

Repeating Relationship Patterns

How many people do you know who have jumped right into a new relationship and except for the exterior package (yes, it is a different person) the relationship is the essentially the same as the one they left? Same problems, different face.

Have you been guilty of that?

One reason why this happens is because of the Law of Attraction.  You see, during the bad relationship you developed habituated modes of thinking and vibrating.  Just breaking up or even an official divorce does not and will not change that mode of vibration.  We quickly develop habits of looking at the world and it takes time to break those habits.

Part of the problem is that people tend to ruminate on “why” they needed to leave the last relationship, why that person was not right for them and all of the bad qualities of the person they left.  But while they are doing all of this stewing, justifying and ruminating, they are still vibrating in that same place so if they do attract someone new it is very likely that the same problems will be there. They will just be packaged in a different person.

Love Yourself First!

In order to use the Law of Attraction deliberately to create a wonderful relationship you need to spend some time alone, getting comfortable with just yourself.  Find things that you love to do and do them just for fun, don’t try to meet anyone, just get happy with yourself.  And while you are doing this you can consider just what you want in a relationship.

Stop focusing on the things that you disliked in your previous relationship and the things that didn’t work and focus on the good and wonderful things that you want.

You’ll get to a point where you will know you are focusing on the good things you want to attract because you will have good feelings, happy feelings and when you are really ready to attract someone new and wonderful who is right for you, you may even be able to look back on your past relationships with thoughts of appreciation.  That person may not have been the one for you but they did get you to where you are and where you are is the only place you can attract the person who will be right for you and the relationship that you really want.

We all want to attract a loving, wonderful person to co-create a magnificent future with.  Change your focus,  think about and really feel inside what it is that you want in a relationship, then let it go, don’t dwell on it.  Have faith that it will happen for you.

Before you know it you will have attracted the one from your dreams.

Can A Break Up Actually Be A Good Thing?

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For most people, a break up or divorce is the most excruciating experience they have had in their lives. It is like losing a part of yourself, a part which is vital for your very survival.

What if I tell you that your break up can actually be a good thing?

What if I tell you that it is an opportunity to find your real self and evaluate your position in life, the ultimate test for life’s upcoming challenges?

The only thing you have to do is to take the right fork in the road when standing at the crossroad.

Why do we suffer so much after a break up?

The usual break up or divorce starts in the same manner: the partner leaves, one way or the other.

How the one left behind copes with this experience is determined by 3 main factors:

1. The nature of the relationship to their partner
2. The expectation they had of the relationship
3. Their personality and personal experiences

A break up is a devastating experience for everyone. Whether or not the person left behind will suffer beyond the borders of normality depends on their expectations and experiences. The healing depends on their ability to face these factors. If they can “look into the core”, identify their behavior and fix their problems, then the healing will take place and there will be improvement in other areas of their life as well.

A break up discloses mercilessly all our weaknesses and hidden pain we have carried around since childhood. We must seize the chance to uncover and get rid of them once and for all.

A case study of two broken hearts

Case no. 1 – Kevin:

When his wife left him after 3 years of marriage, Kevin was devastated. He called in sick for work and didn’t leave the apartment where they used to live for about 6 weeks. He felt as if the very reason for his existence just vanished. He completely lost his center and will for life. All he could think of was the life he had. Although he knew that his marriage was definitely over, he could not stop wishing she would come back. This thought was the very spark of his life and his so called existence.

After 6 weeks, the initial shock was gone and he slowly started to ask himself where he was headed. He felt he was walking on a thin line towards a crossroad: to his left and right was a deep and dark abyss. He knew that he had to choose which road to follow, and this decision would determine his future life.

So he finally walked out of his apartment, met some friends, spoke with them about his fears and the way he felt. He did some research, and with the help of a friend, who is a psychotherapist, he discovered the main source of his problems: a strong lack of self-esteem and self-love.

His life had been happy because his beautiful wife gave meaning and value to his life. His happiness came from outside, rather than from the inside.

Through the coaching of his friend and a disciplined self-study, he not only overcame the divorce, but also remarkably improved his quality of life. Everything seemed to have changed: his relationships with others, his progress at work, his attitude towards women, his life goals.

He had become an entirely new person.

Case no. 2 – Julia:

Like Kevin, Julia was devastated. Her boyfriend left her in a very rude way: he sent her a text-message stating that it was over and that he had found somebody else. Needless to say, Julia suffered exceptionally. She had put all her hope into this relationship and planned on getting married. Her previous relationships had all been disastrous, from cheating to abusive boyfriends.

Unlike Kevin, she didn’t lock herself up in her flat. She partied for days, avoiding being alone. After one month of destructive behavior, she refused to talk to anyone about her experience, even not to her best friend she had known since high school.

Unable to be alone, she took drugs and alcohol to bridge over the times when nobody could go out with her.

After 4 months in agony, she met this interesting man who made her feel good. Suddenly her life was back on track again. She fell in love, and they quickly moved in together and lived comparably happy.

Julia was pleased… until the next break up hit her without mercy.

What is the difference between Kevin and Julia?

Was Kevin smarter than Julia? Of course not. Did Julia suffer more than Kevin? No, their pain was comparable.

The difference between them was the ability to identify their weak points and the willingness to make the necessary changes.

Kevin realized the inescapable necessity of taking the right path at the right moment. He was prepared to face the pain and invested time for his healing as opposed to letting himself go and avoid the pain.

Julia chose to jump into a new relationship right away rather than face her problems. She was caught in a vicious cycle.

Of course, Kevin had the luck to find the competent help and certainly, Julia had a bad childhood, but both had a choice.

The choice for a better life.

There are many Julias out there right now with similar cases. I hope they all will realize eventually that in order to change their lives, they have to take their break ups or divorces as opportunities and not as a burden.

Use your break up to look deep into your own abyss and face the monster inside.

If you can’t do it alone, get the help you need.

Manifesting A Soul Mate – Is It Really Possible?

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Getting back into the dating game after a divorce is not always easy, especially when you have kids.

Dating as a single parent is not the same game you played before you were ever married.

Many of the things you used to do to meet members of the opposite sex no longer have the same appeal!

And all of the parents at the PTA meetings are already married!

What is a lonely single parent to do?

Are you wondering if you will ever meet someone? Especially if you are not “out there” trying.

Well, here is some inspiration for the hopelessly romantic single parent, Karen Lynch from LiveThePower.com.

Read how one woman attracted the Love that she wanted without even trying!

Manifesting a Soul Mate, by Karen Lynch 

Why There’s Still Hope for Marriage

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Why do we cry at weddings?

I think its because we are all hopeless romantics.  We all want the dream of a lasting connection that keeps us engaged and invested.  We want to feel hot about our lover 30 years into the marriage and we want that for others.  We cry because we want it for ourselves and because we don’t really know if it’s possible.

My daughter cried at my wedding. She was, afraid, perhaps.  Afraid that while it seemed so good at the point of the wedding that it might not end up the fairy tale. I’ve been married three times now and she knew how it could turn out. She has seen my two previous marriages fail and got a really clear picture of how bad a bad marriage can be. But even at that third attempt, she cried. She wanted, at 16 to have a father who cared about her, and a husband for her lonely mom. Her hopes brought tears.

As she walked down the isle herself, a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My husband asked me what I was feeling and I told him, “Sad, glad, wonderful.”

What was amazing me was that in spite of seeing me go through two disastrous marriages, she still had hope.  She believes in her ability to love, and she believes in her husband.

When I hear the debate about whether you should stay together for the kids or show them that it’s okay to find happiness, I am amused. Ideally, we should all be able to make it work out. But watching miserable parents suffer for their sake does not make for well-adjusted children.

What I like to think my daughter saw, which gave her continued hope, is that when you are determined enough, anything is possible.

Ending two marriages in divorce was not what I wanted for my kids, or in the least, myself.  I was ill equipped to manage a lasting connection.  My mother also went through two divorces, one when I was a toddler, and another long after I was grown.  So I saw both divorce, and “staying together for the kids”.  Neither provided me a model for intimacy.

But I was determined to have what my mother did not, a lasting, intimate connection with my husband.  What I did, and what my daughter witnessed, is to find out what it took to have what I dreamed of having.

I hoped therapy would help me find it. And undoubtedly, the work I did and the things I learned did pave the way.  But it wasn’t until I discovered the Cycles of the Heart model that I fully understood why it is so horribly difficult for most of us to have that romantic dream.  And it wasn’t until I understood the way out that I was able to do it differently.

Discovering that the way our minds are wired and… how our culture has indoctrinated us into believing that we have to view every problem as a question of “who is to blame” transformed my life and my relationships.

I also believe that it is why my daughter was able to confidently take her vows with a kind, loving man with whom I have no doubt she will have a marvelous life.  She learned, along with me, that there is a different way to live than we have been led by biology and culture to believe.

So I cried at her wedding. I cried from a depth of understanding of the possibilities before her, at 27, which were not there for me.  My joy overflows, because she is starting out her life with wisdom that eluded me.

She cried at her wedding, too.  My husband lifted his glass in toast to her.   He said, with tears in his eyes, (as best I can recall) “You two have everything you need to make a marriage work.  Because I know that you (my daughter) have realized that you can’t forget who your husband is when you are in conflict.  No matter how angry he is, or you are, you don’t forget who he is in spite of whatever might be happening. This is how I know you have what it takes.”  She burst into tears because she knew what he said is true, and that she had won an incredible prize by having this gift.

This wisdom doesn’t come easily or naturally. It’s something we have to learn, and continue to practice.  But it makes all the difference in the world in our relationships, whether with our spouse, our children, our parents, our friends or our neighbors.

My Girlfriend Is Acting Distant – Is She Cheating?

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If your girlfriend is acting distant, does that mean she’s cheating, or even that she’s planning to break up with you?

Here’s a scenario…

Your girlfriend goes off for the weekend to celebrate her birthday but does not invite you, and she was extra nice to you the week before she left – unnaturally nice. This by itself is enough to raise some red flags, but what if she stops returning your calls and text messages while she’s away? Now that’s enough to drive most men crazy!

There are two possibilities here…

Most likely, she did hook up with someone else while she was away. That’s why she suddenly stopped responding – she doesn’t want the new guy to think he’s unimportant.

The second possibility is that for some reason or other, she’s intentionally putting distance between you. Maybe she’s thinking of breaking up or maybe it’s just moving too fast for her. Maybe she just needs some space.

Either way, this isn’t looking so good for you.

So what can you do?

First, be honest with her and let her know that her recent behavior hurt your feelings and that you feel neglected. It’s very important to be honest, but NOT judgemental or accusing. You need to create an environment where she feels safe being honest with you. That is if you REALLY do want the truth…

And when she does tell you the truth, be supportive and understanding – even if what she says makes you angry. Face it – you cannot control how she feels or what she does. Read that again. You cannot control how she feels or what she does. The only thing in this life that any of us can really control is our actions and our emotional responses to others’ actions. Period.

So take a deep breath and tell her how you feel.

Here’s a question from Ty in Nebraska who is facing this troubling issue right now.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Yeah so my girlfriend had her birth this weekend and I have been having issues not trusting her lately for some reason or and other. Well she went out of town back home for her birthday and she didn’t invite me! She has been real lovely talking to me lately like she is trying to cover up something it seems. Well I talked to her yesterday afternoon at about 2:30 and she said she would call me back so i waited it out all night and I texted her about 9:30 and never heard from her and then texted her happy b-day at 12:00 am this morning wishing her happy b-day and no hear back from her!

This is totally not like her because she is a text message freak and she has been calling me like crazy the last couple of days! I am starting to wonder if is being unfaithful or just ignoring me or what’s up I don’t know how to confront her on her birthday? I need to say something because it really is bothering me big time!

Lets hear back soon.
Thanks, Tyler

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