fighting – Page 10

Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life, and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving to having a physical, emotional or financial affair.

If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal, but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things you should work out under this contract:

Make a decision to fall in love again.

Fidelity, both sexual and financial, results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat each other like you did at the beginning.

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

A touch CAN be magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection, at whatever lever you’re comfortable with, back into your life.

Give up your old money relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

To learn more about Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, visit www.DocBon.com.

Yuck! My Partner Smokes! How Can I Make Her Stop?

By loveandsex

No matter how long you’ve been dating, you and your significant other are bound to have habits and mannerisms that your partner finds annoying and vice versa.

More of these come out of the woodwork as you get more and more comfortable with your partner, however, it might be all you can do to not let them drive you crazy! How do you deal with your partner’s annoying habits?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve been going out with a girl now for about 2 months. And she’s picked up a bad habit – Smoking. I love her a lot, and she loves me too, but I don’t like it when she smokes. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t want to control her or anything and I asked her to stop but she said if I love her it shouldn’t matter. Is this true or not true?

— (YouTube viewer)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl3mDyvMaow[/youtube]

Your partner has an annoying habit, such as smoking or nail biting, that simply drives you up a wall. You love your partner, but their habit, or habits, are getting to be too much. What can you do to help curb your partner’s bad habits so you can be happier in the relationship?

Accept them or change them?

First, you need to realize you have two options here. You can learn to accept your partner’s bad habits, or you can do what you can to change them. By changing them, that doesn’t mean throwing away your partner’s cigarettes or secretly dipping their hands in Tabasco sauce while they’re asleep.

You can try to change your partner’s habits from your end, such as asking your partner to stop, or you can end the relationship. That is, if you can’t learn to accept and let go of their habits.

If you want to try to talk to your partner about their annoying habits, don’t be critical. Don’t give them an ultimatum and certainly don’t chastise them. You’re their partner, not their parent.

If you want your partner to stop smoking or stop biting their nails, let them know that it bothers you and simply ask if they can stop. Don’t entertain them if they get defensive, just let your partner know that you were just asking. After that, the ball is in their court.

What if they won’t change?

Your partner may decide that they can’t, or won’t, do anything about the habits that bother you. If your partner doesn’t want to or can’t quit their bad habits, the ball is back in your court. You have to decide your next move. Will you tolerate the habits or will you end the relationship with your partner?

It may seem silly to end a relationship over a few bad habits, but if they really get to you and your partner is uncompromising, there might be no other way.

What is important in a relationship is that both partners are happy and comfortable with each other. If your partner’s annoying habits keep you from being that way, you might want to evaluate the relationship.

Can you let it go?

If your partner’s annoying habits bother you but not quite that much, you might want to consider simply letting the issue go. It can be difficult to do, but with time you can learn to accept your partner’s bad habits. For example, nail biting might be annoying to you, but it’s not your nails. It’s theirs.

There’s no need for you to control your partner’s every move, so learning to let go of a small bad habit like that can actually enrich your relationship with your partner.

First and foremost, you need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what bothers you. See how your partner handles it. They may choose to nip their bad habits in the bud. If not, take some time and think about your next move, whether it’s accepting your partner’s annoying habits or letting the relationship go.

Divorced After 23 Years – How Do I Move On?

By loveandsex

It’s difficult when any relationship ends, whether you’re the one who ends it or not.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

— Youtube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsgC13nVftQ[/youtube]

The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

After a relationship ends, it’s normal to go through the stages of grief. You lost something and someone that was dear to you and to the human psyche, it’s the same as if someone you loved passed away. You’re going to feel guilt, denial, anger and frustration. You’re going to be hurt and sad, and you’re even going to want to try to get back together with your partner.

The first step to moving on after a break up or a divorce is to realize that all the feelings you are having are normal. It may not help you feel any better right away, but telling yourself that “you shouldn’t feel this way” is not going to do you a bit of good.

When you’re feeling a particular feeling, let yourself feel it. Let yourself be angry and let yourself feel hurt. Then, let it go. Don’t harbor it. Don’t give those feelings a place to stay. Work through your anger and frustration rather than letting it consume you. In time, you’ll feel better about the end of the relationship and you’ll feel yourself start to move on. Don’t rush the process. It takes time.

The end of a relationship, especially a very long one, is tough for both parties involved. There may never be an answer as to what exactly happened to end the relationship because in almost all relationships, it’s more than a single thing. When you begin to focus on yourself and realize that you are in control of only you, you can start to let go of the hurt and anger and make room for a newer, happier state of being.

Do You Know The #1 Secret To A Truly Happy Relationship?

By paulcarlson

It’s a question that just about everyone has asked at least at one point or another in their lives.

What is the secret to long term, happy relationships? Is there even a secret?

While there is no tried and true formula that you can follow to the letter to ensure you have a happy relationship for years to come, there are a few things you can do to make your relationship easier and more fulfilling.

What is the secret to long term happy relationships?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4APs1XqsQg[/youtube]

Accepting your partner.

When it boils down to it, a happy relationship is between two people that love each other. While everyone’s definition of love differs from person to person, there is one thing that seems to be a thread running through every relationship – acceptance.

When you truly love someone, you accept them for who they are. You can’t change a person, and if you go into a relationship thinking that later on down the road you’ll try to change one thing or another about them, the relationship won’t last very long.

The first step to a truly happy and fulfilling long term relationship is learning to accept your partner and love them, even in spite of their unsavory qualities. This isn’t something that happens right away, so give yourself enough time and be patient with yourself. Talk openly with your partner about how you’re learning to accept them for who they are no matter what, and you’d like them to do the same for you.

Getting out of the judgmental state of mind.

More often than not, when our partners do something to upset us, we end up being judgmental. We pass off judgment to them as though they’ve done something “wrong” and we’re the right ones in the situation.

While you and your partner are likely to always have disagreements, being critical is something that doesn’t have to happen, and when it does it’s going to take a toll on your relationship and hurt one or both partners’ feelings.

When your partner does something to upset you, bring it up exactly like that. Don’t say they’ve done something “wrong” or be critical. Simply say that it’s something you don’t really jive with. By not being critical, you become more accepting and loving of your partner and they become more willing to be sensitive of your needs.

Relationships are give and take situations. If one partner is giving more and the other is simply taking and taking, the relationship isn’t going to last too long.

The best thing you can do is be open, honest and accepting of your partner. You and your partner are in this together, as a team!

If you are constantly pitting against each other, it isn’t really a team is it? Work together to find common ground where you and your partner can both function in the relationship and be satisfied and happy with it. If you truly love your partner and your partner truly loves you, many of these things will fall into place and become second nature to both of you.

While living together and staying together for many years takes lots of hard work and understanding, once you and your partner have the right mindset, you can begin unlocking the secrets to staying together and staying happy for the long haul!

How To Break The Communication Gridlock And Save Your Marriage

By melody

As a child I heard that “children are best seen not heard” so often I never spoke up in public about anything. We are taught to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves from an early age.

Gender differences in communication

Girls are taught subtly in the classroom to keep their ideas to themselves.

There was a study done years ago (sorry, I don’t recall the source) where they counted the number of times girls were called upon in class to boys, and the number of times girls were punished for speaking out of turn as opposed to boys. This study revealed that girls are called upon less, and punished for speaking out of turn more.

Boys, of course are taught to hide their feelings from toddlerhood. Our culture doesn’t even allow boys to learn the words for feelings. Then, older boys, fathers, brothers, teachers, and coaches shame them if they show any sign of having a feeling other than happiness or anger.

So it’s no wonder communication is so hard for us. Yet those of us who can overcome our difficulties with communication are the best equipped for any career and have far more financial and social success.

Environmental effects on communication styles

For myself, my “dysfunctional family” further complicated all the cultural edicts against communication. I learned to keep secrets, to protect others from my feelings (I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I hurt because then I would have to tell them why), and to try to guess what others wanted from me since they wouldn’t come out and tell me.

Coming into a marriage with this kind of baggage at age 43 and a history of two failed marriages did not bode well from my new partner. Yet he took the gamble (Yea!) and I think it has paid off for both of us.

To get to good communication from the very beginning we had to fight a number of difficulties.

First, I was phobic of his anger (anger in my family meant someone would get abandoned or hurt) and because of his own Self-Protector mode anger was his primary emotion. Second, I hid my real feelings because of how I had been trained as a child.

The first year of our marriage was turbulent and extremely painful at times. It was a good thing we were so crazy about each other or we could never have survived it!

Overcoming communication difficulties

Overcoming the fear of really being heard was a tough thing for me. I was pretty thoroughly entrenched in the “Victim” role. It has been an evolving process that resembles the peeling of the layers of an onion.

My husband loved me enough to hang in there with me as I peeled off the excess skin and let him see my real self. Because of my childhood wounds I never believed anyone would or could love the “real” me. Yet the opposite has proved to be true. The more I allow my real self to be exposed the more he loves me and the better friendships I develop.

But exposing my real self means telling people what I really think, feel, and need and that can make me feel very vulnerable. What if they don’t like it? What if they don’t like me? What if they get mad at me? What if they leave me? What if “something terrible” happens?

But the worst thing that can happen is my abandoning myself. It may not feel like that is the worst thing in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment the fear of the other person’s reaction feels worse than the consequences to the quality of the relationship, or the impact it has on you. But it is not. Abandoning yourself in this way prevents you from getting what it is you really want in your life and in your relationships. And ultimately, it keeps you from feeling good about yourself.

The ugly truth

The ugly truth is that if we speak our truths, if we say what we really feel and want (in ways that are both respectful and empathetic) the other person could still reject us and we could lose them.

But which is worse, rejecting ourselves or being rejected by another person? My personal experience is that if we are maintaining the relationship with a lie about who we are the relationship is doomed anyway.

In the course of my second marriage I seldom told my whole truth, I struggled to keep up the lie that I was okay with how things were going. I have never been so depressed as I was during those years.

Today, though my husband doesn’t always like it, I tell him what I think and what I need. This adds depth and authenticity to our relationship and cements our commitment to each other.

Speaking our truth may be hard. It may be terrifying in fact. But not speaking our truth can condemn us to unsatisfying, painful relationships with others as well as with ourselves.

Taking Ownership if our needs, wants and feelings while being Respectful and Empathetic with those we love can transform our lives and our relationships. It may be unsettling at first, but oh, is it ever worth it!